Relatioship of 4 years, Drugs all messed up, Help!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 4
Relatioship of 4 years, Drugs all messed up, Help!
Hello to all the great people of this forum:
I am passing throw a really rough time, and I am very blessed to find this place because I am really looking for some advice, guidance and support.
I will try to explain my situation as simple as I can, since there are so many facts and details, maybe similar to other posts in here, so here it comes:
First, the facts I guess:
I am a 32 year old male, with a good family values and good university background, with clear goals about my what I want in my future (at least before I got messed up). The ugly facts, well yes, not everything is gold, my family beside their values has some issues (Dad pretty distant emotionally, mother with a co-dependent behavior towards us and my Dad, Dad was unfaithful to my mom, but they still together). I recently, lost my job due to some reduction personnel staff (I was at a high level managing position, and please I am not explaining this to be cocky about it, just to get a clear view for what’s coming). My financial status is in red right now, since all the global economics and the situation of my country (I live in South America), so I wasn’t been able to find a good job or at least something to support my life as I use to. I took the decision to invest my time in helping developing a family company at my home town, so I had to move from my city, leaving all my previous life behind.
I had been in a relationship with girl of 24 years old for about 4 years now. When I first meet her, she had all the vivid life that I felt complement my life style. When I got falling in love in her, she told me she uses drugs (maybe 2 months of being dating), I have never had experience on dating girls with that issue, so I kept with her, but after seen her doing hard drugs (starting with weed, then coke, then base of coke, then pills and God know who else), I discover that my feelings can’t watch her destroying herself, but it was too late to walk away since I already loved her at that time. Her behavior was most of the times very volatile, sometimes too harsh, and sometimes too careless about us. She’s has been very jealous with me, we had have some fights over that theme. Her brother also uses drugs, her mom likes to drink and party a lot (she’s on her 50’s now), I mean like when she’s out with her friends she don’t come back until the next day, and sometimes she keeps drinking at their home. My girlfriend’s dad is very absent one, he lives sometimes here with them, and sometimes he goes to other country to stay with his mom.
THE PROBLEM
With my girlfriend, we have had maybe 3 or 4 separations due to her drug problem. That’s when I figure it out and I told her to make a decision about her consumption problem (basically I told her if she wants to keep doing it, well she can, but I can´t stand no more that life, and I mean, I explained her why, I started to develop my co-dependancy towards her, I felt that life was not according to my principles, I am referring to the kinds of parties, kinds of friends, usually all consumers, some heavy consumers ones). We kept been together since she came back to me saying that she will not do drugs anymore, but it always comes to 180 degree turn back in few months, always following this pattern:
1. I discover/or she told me she took drugs again and we fight and I go away.
2. We keep distance and then we communicate, saying how we miss each other.
3. I explain her I cannot take her back if she's doing drugs.
4. She makes promises about not getting back to drugs and staying away from “bad” friends.
5. We hook up again, we live as a happy couple and then in few months, she starts complaining to me she is bored.
6. She starts blaming that we don’t do “fun” things, like going to those parties or with those friends (consumers).
7. She starts telling me that she feels alone, as I try to encourage her to make new “healthy” friends
8. She complains that “everyone” does drugs at her college and she can’t find anyone who at least doesn’t smoke weed.
9. We start to fight about her boredom (even we had social life and when she’s lovely she claims she love the life I share with her) and she almost ask me like a challenge if I can find her friends who doesn’t do drugs.
10. Then I discover back, she’s seeing again her old “bad” friends, and when I ask her about her promise, she just tell me, that they are her long time friends (from High school, which is true) and she can’t be going in life without them, but she swear to me that she won’t do drugs with them.
11. Then I find out or she tells me, that she is doing drugs again (usually only weed as she says) but it’s “under control”.
12. Then I start to feel the same old treatment: Parties I cannot go, friends I can’t not meet, usually her spending lots of time on the house of a couple which they are very into weed, and watching her losing all interest in seeing me for days.
13. Then I got sick, with co-dependance, and I step back and off from the relationship, to avoid feeling the same worries, but the circles comes back from 1 again.
We had talked about family, children, travel and getting more serious, like getting married, I just recently propose her to come to live with me to the place I am now and start a new life. But all this comes to a dead end, when I face her coming backs to her old habits.
The other major problem is since I got too deep into her, and her problems, and adding to this equation that most of my friends are already married with kids by now, I found myself very alone. Most of my “new” friends are from her age (which is cool, but not if they are drug abusers). So, I am falling into a very deep depression because I want to get throw this, focus on myself and keep busy and hang out, but I don’t have anyone to hang out. I am starting to feel I lost so many time on her, that I got misdirected to get new friends (specially girls because she was too jealous) and the only girl which I consider friend of me, well she’s quite distant with me now. And all this increase since I am living now on this town, which I don’t know much people in here like myself, I feel trapped here, but in other way I am feel the responsibility of developing this company of my family which probably my parents depends on very much (they over 70’s now).
I really miss her, I miss our life together, my folks seem to love her very much, and they open their home and hearts to her, specially my mom. We use to spend almost every weekend traveling and with my folks, she feels like part of the family. That’s what it is so hard for me.
I know I can’t change her, I know I can’t make her stop using drugs for good. I just walked away again, saying to her, that she betrays again my trust on her, and she breaks her promises on the drugs issue. And we have been apart for 3 weeks now. We have had a couple of offline chatting at MSN, where she claims, that I am “overreacting” about this, because she says she didn’t lie this time, because she said “I told you I was smoking weed again”, and that’s what makes me more angry, for her is so easy to say “oh, sorry I fall it into drugs again”, so I told her I cannot go throw that again. Last message I got from her, is “If I leave the drugs would you married me and can we live together, because I think you are all making excuses to not get serious with me”. I just replied, that as many times before “I won’t married a girls who uses drugs, I don’t want a spouse like that, I don’t want a mother of children like that, I don’t want that kind of influence and friends around my family, so if you can get some professional help this time, I will be around to support you, but this time, make a good decision”, then I haven’t heard from her.
Also, I thought about to talk to her mother about her drug problem, but then I think, and I remember she already got suspicious and she knows her older son is doing drugs, but she doesn’t seem to have any clue of what to do about this. So maybe if I tell her mom, it would hit on face right back, like putting me as disloyal person with my girlfriend (because of not keeping the “super secret”). Also my gf had to drop off the college because of financial problems of her family too, and I was paying her studies until I got jobless, so I felt so pressured on that, because I felt her like already my spouse of something, that’s why I told her, to come live with me here, so we can have some financial security and I can still paying her studies here on the local college, which is fairly a good school. But that was until she told me she was back again on weed “only”, at least what she says.
QUESTIONINGS of numbness
• If she’s doing only “weed” and she’s “controlling” that thing, am I overreacting with this? I mean, I have strong principles about drugs, but I have read so many forums and talked to many people, friends, strangers, everywhere, and yes, they all seem to do some weed and some do few hits of coke once in a while to boost the party, and all seem ok.
• How to deal with her “special” parties I am not and will not be invited? Because she claims I will “put long faces” when people start using drugs, and I will be making her pass a bad time. Which is true, I don’t judge anyone, and before her I was more easy going with people doing drugs around me, I mean I do have a couple of friends who does, but I guess they respect themselves and me by not doing it deliberating in front of people like me who doesn’t.
• What would be the best approach this time with my gf? She refuses to accept she is an addict, she claims she came back on weed, because she likes the flavor (and I guess the stoned hit), I asked before to make her a drug test to prove it that she’s only doing weed, but she get all angry at me, saying “I won’t do it even if my mom asked me”. She promise at the past she will look for help, but she never do it, she claims she is too busy, she doesn’t have money for that (which is sadly true now, and even for me, to support a paid drug addiction program). How can I be sure?
• Any lights why am I attracted and love to this issued girl? I know, it is also a fact that there is something wrong with me, but I want to cure myself from that, if this relationship would end, and I had to start over again.
• How can I improve my social life? Here? Elsewhere? Considering all my age level friends are already in other stage (spouse and kids). I am very active man, I like sports, extreme ones, I like traveling, I like many things, but now I am just so depressed I barely find some energy to wake up to go to work and then get back to bed, I wish I had some girls and male friends to visit or going out. Jesus!
Thanks to all for reading this, excusing my poor english, and any help with be so appreciated.
Bless you.
Makia
I am passing throw a really rough time, and I am very blessed to find this place because I am really looking for some advice, guidance and support.
I will try to explain my situation as simple as I can, since there are so many facts and details, maybe similar to other posts in here, so here it comes:
First, the facts I guess:
I am a 32 year old male, with a good family values and good university background, with clear goals about my what I want in my future (at least before I got messed up). The ugly facts, well yes, not everything is gold, my family beside their values has some issues (Dad pretty distant emotionally, mother with a co-dependent behavior towards us and my Dad, Dad was unfaithful to my mom, but they still together). I recently, lost my job due to some reduction personnel staff (I was at a high level managing position, and please I am not explaining this to be cocky about it, just to get a clear view for what’s coming). My financial status is in red right now, since all the global economics and the situation of my country (I live in South America), so I wasn’t been able to find a good job or at least something to support my life as I use to. I took the decision to invest my time in helping developing a family company at my home town, so I had to move from my city, leaving all my previous life behind.
I had been in a relationship with girl of 24 years old for about 4 years now. When I first meet her, she had all the vivid life that I felt complement my life style. When I got falling in love in her, she told me she uses drugs (maybe 2 months of being dating), I have never had experience on dating girls with that issue, so I kept with her, but after seen her doing hard drugs (starting with weed, then coke, then base of coke, then pills and God know who else), I discover that my feelings can’t watch her destroying herself, but it was too late to walk away since I already loved her at that time. Her behavior was most of the times very volatile, sometimes too harsh, and sometimes too careless about us. She’s has been very jealous with me, we had have some fights over that theme. Her brother also uses drugs, her mom likes to drink and party a lot (she’s on her 50’s now), I mean like when she’s out with her friends she don’t come back until the next day, and sometimes she keeps drinking at their home. My girlfriend’s dad is very absent one, he lives sometimes here with them, and sometimes he goes to other country to stay with his mom.
THE PROBLEM
With my girlfriend, we have had maybe 3 or 4 separations due to her drug problem. That’s when I figure it out and I told her to make a decision about her consumption problem (basically I told her if she wants to keep doing it, well she can, but I can´t stand no more that life, and I mean, I explained her why, I started to develop my co-dependancy towards her, I felt that life was not according to my principles, I am referring to the kinds of parties, kinds of friends, usually all consumers, some heavy consumers ones). We kept been together since she came back to me saying that she will not do drugs anymore, but it always comes to 180 degree turn back in few months, always following this pattern:
1. I discover/or she told me she took drugs again and we fight and I go away.
2. We keep distance and then we communicate, saying how we miss each other.
3. I explain her I cannot take her back if she's doing drugs.
4. She makes promises about not getting back to drugs and staying away from “bad” friends.
5. We hook up again, we live as a happy couple and then in few months, she starts complaining to me she is bored.
6. She starts blaming that we don’t do “fun” things, like going to those parties or with those friends (consumers).
7. She starts telling me that she feels alone, as I try to encourage her to make new “healthy” friends
8. She complains that “everyone” does drugs at her college and she can’t find anyone who at least doesn’t smoke weed.
9. We start to fight about her boredom (even we had social life and when she’s lovely she claims she love the life I share with her) and she almost ask me like a challenge if I can find her friends who doesn’t do drugs.
10. Then I discover back, she’s seeing again her old “bad” friends, and when I ask her about her promise, she just tell me, that they are her long time friends (from High school, which is true) and she can’t be going in life without them, but she swear to me that she won’t do drugs with them.
11. Then I find out or she tells me, that she is doing drugs again (usually only weed as she says) but it’s “under control”.
12. Then I start to feel the same old treatment: Parties I cannot go, friends I can’t not meet, usually her spending lots of time on the house of a couple which they are very into weed, and watching her losing all interest in seeing me for days.
13. Then I got sick, with co-dependance, and I step back and off from the relationship, to avoid feeling the same worries, but the circles comes back from 1 again.
We had talked about family, children, travel and getting more serious, like getting married, I just recently propose her to come to live with me to the place I am now and start a new life. But all this comes to a dead end, when I face her coming backs to her old habits.
The other major problem is since I got too deep into her, and her problems, and adding to this equation that most of my friends are already married with kids by now, I found myself very alone. Most of my “new” friends are from her age (which is cool, but not if they are drug abusers). So, I am falling into a very deep depression because I want to get throw this, focus on myself and keep busy and hang out, but I don’t have anyone to hang out. I am starting to feel I lost so many time on her, that I got misdirected to get new friends (specially girls because she was too jealous) and the only girl which I consider friend of me, well she’s quite distant with me now. And all this increase since I am living now on this town, which I don’t know much people in here like myself, I feel trapped here, but in other way I am feel the responsibility of developing this company of my family which probably my parents depends on very much (they over 70’s now).
I really miss her, I miss our life together, my folks seem to love her very much, and they open their home and hearts to her, specially my mom. We use to spend almost every weekend traveling and with my folks, she feels like part of the family. That’s what it is so hard for me.
I know I can’t change her, I know I can’t make her stop using drugs for good. I just walked away again, saying to her, that she betrays again my trust on her, and she breaks her promises on the drugs issue. And we have been apart for 3 weeks now. We have had a couple of offline chatting at MSN, where she claims, that I am “overreacting” about this, because she says she didn’t lie this time, because she said “I told you I was smoking weed again”, and that’s what makes me more angry, for her is so easy to say “oh, sorry I fall it into drugs again”, so I told her I cannot go throw that again. Last message I got from her, is “If I leave the drugs would you married me and can we live together, because I think you are all making excuses to not get serious with me”. I just replied, that as many times before “I won’t married a girls who uses drugs, I don’t want a spouse like that, I don’t want a mother of children like that, I don’t want that kind of influence and friends around my family, so if you can get some professional help this time, I will be around to support you, but this time, make a good decision”, then I haven’t heard from her.
Also, I thought about to talk to her mother about her drug problem, but then I think, and I remember she already got suspicious and she knows her older son is doing drugs, but she doesn’t seem to have any clue of what to do about this. So maybe if I tell her mom, it would hit on face right back, like putting me as disloyal person with my girlfriend (because of not keeping the “super secret”). Also my gf had to drop off the college because of financial problems of her family too, and I was paying her studies until I got jobless, so I felt so pressured on that, because I felt her like already my spouse of something, that’s why I told her, to come live with me here, so we can have some financial security and I can still paying her studies here on the local college, which is fairly a good school. But that was until she told me she was back again on weed “only”, at least what she says.
QUESTIONINGS of numbness
• If she’s doing only “weed” and she’s “controlling” that thing, am I overreacting with this? I mean, I have strong principles about drugs, but I have read so many forums and talked to many people, friends, strangers, everywhere, and yes, they all seem to do some weed and some do few hits of coke once in a while to boost the party, and all seem ok.
• How to deal with her “special” parties I am not and will not be invited? Because she claims I will “put long faces” when people start using drugs, and I will be making her pass a bad time. Which is true, I don’t judge anyone, and before her I was more easy going with people doing drugs around me, I mean I do have a couple of friends who does, but I guess they respect themselves and me by not doing it deliberating in front of people like me who doesn’t.
• What would be the best approach this time with my gf? She refuses to accept she is an addict, she claims she came back on weed, because she likes the flavor (and I guess the stoned hit), I asked before to make her a drug test to prove it that she’s only doing weed, but she get all angry at me, saying “I won’t do it even if my mom asked me”. She promise at the past she will look for help, but she never do it, she claims she is too busy, she doesn’t have money for that (which is sadly true now, and even for me, to support a paid drug addiction program). How can I be sure?
• Any lights why am I attracted and love to this issued girl? I know, it is also a fact that there is something wrong with me, but I want to cure myself from that, if this relationship would end, and I had to start over again.
• How can I improve my social life? Here? Elsewhere? Considering all my age level friends are already in other stage (spouse and kids). I am very active man, I like sports, extreme ones, I like traveling, I like many things, but now I am just so depressed I barely find some energy to wake up to go to work and then get back to bed, I wish I had some girls and male friends to visit or going out. Jesus!
Thanks to all for reading this, excusing my poor english, and any help with be so appreciated.
Bless you.
Makia
Last edited by Makiavelic; 09-19-2009 at 12:24 AM.
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
Hi Makia and welcome to SR!
From what I read in your post, it sounds to me like you love this girl, but you want her to live the life you dreamed of for the two of you. It doesn't sound like she shares that same dream.
What I'm currently in the process of learning: sometimes love ISN'T enough. I never understood that saying before. The thing is, you can love her, but maybe you weren't meant to be together. If drugs are causing problems for you and in your relationship, then you aren't overreacting. I feel that if she doesn't change, you won't be happy. Also, I feel that if she does change that SHE won't be happy. So seems like a no-win to me.
I know you love her and I understand very much how you feel. How you WANT it to work because you LOVE her. I really do get that. But maybe it's just not meant to be? From what I read, it seems to me that you would be giving up a lot of who you are to be with this girl and that's just not fair to either of you.
Take care of yourself and keep reading and posting. Others will be coming with more advise and insight. Take care!
From what I read in your post, it sounds to me like you love this girl, but you want her to live the life you dreamed of for the two of you. It doesn't sound like she shares that same dream.
What I'm currently in the process of learning: sometimes love ISN'T enough. I never understood that saying before. The thing is, you can love her, but maybe you weren't meant to be together. If drugs are causing problems for you and in your relationship, then you aren't overreacting. I feel that if she doesn't change, you won't be happy. Also, I feel that if she does change that SHE won't be happy. So seems like a no-win to me.
I know you love her and I understand very much how you feel. How you WANT it to work because you LOVE her. I really do get that. But maybe it's just not meant to be? From what I read, it seems to me that you would be giving up a lot of who you are to be with this girl and that's just not fair to either of you.
Take care of yourself and keep reading and posting. Others will be coming with more advise and insight. Take care!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 4
Thanks for your insights Justtired, and I would like to express that, I think she is very much into share a life with me, since she is asking me now, (via MSN) that she would like no more gf-bf relationship, and shes actually telling me "if I leave the drugs for good with professional help, would you married me?"... The only thing here, and you are right, I won't be confortable with drugs at any level, not even on weed. She just told me, that is a phase and she will pass thru, but I am afraid, that it will be another custom fix or quick fix to get back together, and yes, I do love her, and it seems she loves me too, and she wants to come here to live with me, but now I am so afraid, that if I invest strong feelings again, or even get married, I will be so devastaded if she comes out with another "fall into drugs" and those enviroments.
I have strong feelings on having a child with her, and she shares that too. So, you can how deep feelings we have involved into this. That's why I feel so angry inside, part of me against her, because i tell myself how can she do this, knowing that drugs will tear appart those dreams. But then i realize that what she has is a disease... who sadly affected me.
Wish things were different this time, but I can't keep exposing my heart to be broken over and over.
;(
I have strong feelings on having a child with her, and she shares that too. So, you can how deep feelings we have involved into this. That's why I feel so angry inside, part of me against her, because i tell myself how can she do this, knowing that drugs will tear appart those dreams. But then i realize that what she has is a disease... who sadly affected me.
Wish things were different this time, but I can't keep exposing my heart to be broken over and over.
;(
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
I didn't mean to imply that she didn't want to share a life with you. It does sound like she does want that. I only meant that I don't think that she really wants to share a drug-free life with you which is what you want.
I'm afraid that if she only makes these changes for you and not for herself, that you are going to experience a lot of heartbreak. You say that you want to have children together, but do you want to have children with someone who could be too impaired to take proper care of your little baby?
My bf and I have been together for 9 years. He too would like to share a life with me and get married and have children. I would like that with him too, but I've told him that I can't move forward until I feel 100% comfortable. I can't imagine getting married and questioning in the back of my mind if it's the right thing to do.
Please trust how you feel. If it is a problem for you, then you aren't overreacting. I know how hard this is. I'm right there with you. If you can make it to alanon or naranon meetings, that might be helpful to you so you can have people to talk to face-to-face about what you're going through.
I'm afraid that if she only makes these changes for you and not for herself, that you are going to experience a lot of heartbreak. You say that you want to have children together, but do you want to have children with someone who could be too impaired to take proper care of your little baby?
My bf and I have been together for 9 years. He too would like to share a life with me and get married and have children. I would like that with him too, but I've told him that I can't move forward until I feel 100% comfortable. I can't imagine getting married and questioning in the back of my mind if it's the right thing to do.
Please trust how you feel. If it is a problem for you, then you aren't overreacting. I know how hard this is. I'm right there with you. If you can make it to alanon or naranon meetings, that might be helpful to you so you can have people to talk to face-to-face about what you're going through.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 4
Thank you again Justtired, you are so kind to be around, I haven't been able to catch some sleep this night, but yes you are right on your comment.
I guess, as one of questions to add, would be...
How do I know for sure, if this time, she wants to change for herself and not to avoid losing me or our relationship?
Bless you
I guess, as one of questions to add, would be...
How do I know for sure, if this time, she wants to change for herself and not to avoid losing me or our relationship?
Bless you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Makiavelic 
How do I know for sure, if this time, she wants to change for herself and not to avoid losing me or our relationship?
I spent five years thinking things would change with my now ex-husband, and it only continued to get worse.
You deserve so much better.
Surely there is individual counseling or therapy in your area where you can begin to look at why you've put up with this for 4 years, and you can begin to heal from the pain?
:ghug2
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi makia, welcome
i'm so sorry you are having to deal with this issue, i know how painful this can be. i agree with whats already been said and i'm sorry to have to say it.
against all advice, i did marry my addicted boyfriend even after going through all that you have described above. aside from our 2kids, i think that was the biggest mistake i could have ever made. he made the same kind of promises as your gf only to break every one of them every time. 23 yrs later, his addiction and his addictive behavior has gotten progressively so much worse. we are not together now, but it took 21 yrs of this on and off relationship for me to realize if i wanted a life, then i had to let go and began to move forward. it was causing me my sanity.
i know its not easy but she will only stop when she is sick and tired of using. nothing you can say or do that will make her stop. i'm sure she may love you but her desire to get high will come first, until she seeks help for herself and stick to it WILL get worse.
imo, you deserve a better life than what you are considering. i agree, get professional help for yourself, don't know if you have alanon or naranon support groups for you where you live but it would be very helpful it you could find and attend a few meetings.
keep reading and posting, there is a lot of info in the stickies at the top of the forum page.
i think your decision to not allow drug addiction in your life is a good decision. i was just about your age when i first met my ah and now i'm 23yrs older still dealing with the same issues and i don't want to see that happen to you.
btw. i think your english is just fine. ill keep you and all of yours in my prayers.
i'm so sorry you are having to deal with this issue, i know how painful this can be. i agree with whats already been said and i'm sorry to have to say it.
against all advice, i did marry my addicted boyfriend even after going through all that you have described above. aside from our 2kids, i think that was the biggest mistake i could have ever made. he made the same kind of promises as your gf only to break every one of them every time. 23 yrs later, his addiction and his addictive behavior has gotten progressively so much worse. we are not together now, but it took 21 yrs of this on and off relationship for me to realize if i wanted a life, then i had to let go and began to move forward. it was causing me my sanity.
i know its not easy but she will only stop when she is sick and tired of using. nothing you can say or do that will make her stop. i'm sure she may love you but her desire to get high will come first, until she seeks help for herself and stick to it WILL get worse.
imo, you deserve a better life than what you are considering. i agree, get professional help for yourself, don't know if you have alanon or naranon support groups for you where you live but it would be very helpful it you could find and attend a few meetings.
keep reading and posting, there is a lot of info in the stickies at the top of the forum page.
i think your decision to not allow drug addiction in your life is a good decision. i was just about your age when i first met my ah and now i'm 23yrs older still dealing with the same issues and i don't want to see that happen to you.
btw. i think your english is just fine. ill keep you and all of yours in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Originally Posted by Makiavelic
How do I know for sure, if this time, she wants to change for herself and not to avoid losing me or our relationship?
Bless you
Bless you
Hey Mak – not sure if you’ve read my threads or not but they are in a LOT OF WAYS parallel to yours. 4 years of ups and downs. She shunned responsibility all the time, telling me I am “over-reacting” (as if it is not normal to be upset when someone says they will be over and then you don’t see them for days and they ignore your calls..), that she was afraid to give up everything and quit/change her life because I might leave her and she’d have “nothing”. I have also heard how “it won’t be like this forever”, and that she didn’t want that life anymore, that she was starting therapy, and that the lifestyle wasn’t even fun for her anymore.
She had gone to therapy a few times but over the course of a few months quit either because she couldn’t afford it or “it isn’t really helping me”. She has changed over the years, for the better, but the changes have been s l o w in coming. She still uses, and at the end of the day she still has a very different view of the world than I do (“I don’t see the point in living”, “I don’t want to be limited and controlled”, doesn’t mind being in debt at all, doesn’t prepare for a future at all).
All the lack of follow thru, lies, and deception killed me. Even when she told me the truth, that she was smoking weed all weekend and that is why she didn’t see me, it hurt. We didn’t have much of a “relationship” because her primary relationship was with drugs and her family (who also used with her). I told her many times that I was sick of being the affair on the side. Sadly, instead of accepting that and walking away from it because it was not meeting my needs I stayed and tried to change things to MAKE it work (there were many factors like a business involved that made it very hard to let go of).
It is easy to hold onto the hope and fantasy we develop of these people. The harsh reality is on some level they are not who we may have created them to be in our heads (I don’t think I ever except for fleeting moments allowed myself to envision the girl I loved a wasted mess at some party…it was too painful for me…but it was a part of her none the less). Then, at times we do see who they are and then we (or at least I) have a rush of emotions for them (love, compassion, pity, just a sense of caring) and that in and of itself is a “hook”.
For me, it was the roller coaster from hell. Since I have detached I have strengthened many friendships I had already and meet many new women. I learned and am still learning a ton about myself and what I did, what I need. I still struggle with wanting to call her, but have not. I feel for her, miss her. Not sure it’s love, not sure what it is, but I need to just keep it down and keep away.
Not sure if any of this helps… look at a book called “getting past your breakup”. It talks about that, but maybe more importantly about helps you learn about yourself and why you were there in the first place. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Hi Makia, Welcome to SR.
Love isn't supposed to hurt this much. Once we get into a relationship with an active
addict, it is so hard to part ways, because we think if we just are more loving, more firm,
more patient, or more whatever they will change. Truth is we can't change them. They
have to want recovery and work at it really hard. They have to work their recovery
as much as they work their active addiction. ACTIONS not WORDS. She SAYS she
wants recovery. Be sure to watch her ACTIONS and see if she is following through.
Most will advise a year in recovery before making any big changes in life.. like getting
married.
Be sure to read all the sticky posts at the top of the forum, learn all you can about
addiction, enabling and setting boundaries. Setting boundaries protects you and your
sanity... try to put the focus on YOU and your happiness... read the book
"Co-dependent no More" by Melody Beatty.... it explains alot about why
we want to fix another person....
3 C's of addiction:
You didn't Cause it
You Can't Cure it
You Can't Control it
Keep reading and posting! It helps so much!
Love isn't supposed to hurt this much. Once we get into a relationship with an active
addict, it is so hard to part ways, because we think if we just are more loving, more firm,
more patient, or more whatever they will change. Truth is we can't change them. They
have to want recovery and work at it really hard. They have to work their recovery
as much as they work their active addiction. ACTIONS not WORDS. She SAYS she
wants recovery. Be sure to watch her ACTIONS and see if she is following through.
Most will advise a year in recovery before making any big changes in life.. like getting
married.
Be sure to read all the sticky posts at the top of the forum, learn all you can about
addiction, enabling and setting boundaries. Setting boundaries protects you and your
sanity... try to put the focus on YOU and your happiness... read the book
"Co-dependent no More" by Melody Beatty.... it explains alot about why
we want to fix another person....
3 C's of addiction:
You didn't Cause it
You Can't Cure it
You Can't Control it
Keep reading and posting! It helps so much!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Yeah, my opinion, you are very young still, and you have every chance to find love with a non-addict. There are so many fish in the sea. I was married to an Argentinian man for a year, and so I am aware of the cultural differences in the relationships between men and women in your country and mine. I remember how my Porteño husband would so often try to control me and my behavior. I think his machismo was very offended by not being able to stop me, even more than an American man would be, because he explained it is very shameful in his culture to have a "badly-behaved," out-of-control wife. I can't imagine how this relationship can ever work out for you. It will be awful, I think.
What about trying to date some women close to your own age? With some more maturity, perhaps. You might enjoy not having to look after a woman. You might find one who can pull her own weight, pay her own bills, maybe someone who is at the same stage of life as you. I know the age difference of 24 and 32 seems minimal, but if she has only been a student living at home with her parents, and you are a man who's been independent for some time, the difference can be more than in years.
I don't think that she sounds anywhere near ready to make the kind of changes that will ensure a happy life for you and your future children. My suggestion to you is to go no-contact for a whole year. Painful, but effective. Also, they do have Alanon in many big cities in South America. Maybe you could check out a meeting?
Love,
KJ
What about trying to date some women close to your own age? With some more maturity, perhaps. You might enjoy not having to look after a woman. You might find one who can pull her own weight, pay her own bills, maybe someone who is at the same stage of life as you. I know the age difference of 24 and 32 seems minimal, but if she has only been a student living at home with her parents, and you are a man who's been independent for some time, the difference can be more than in years.
I don't think that she sounds anywhere near ready to make the kind of changes that will ensure a happy life for you and your future children. My suggestion to you is to go no-contact for a whole year. Painful, but effective. Also, they do have Alanon in many big cities in South America. Maybe you could check out a meeting?
Love,
KJ
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
I agree with KJ in that I think you are still young, which means you have time to figure this out and not rush into anything. I know this is not the advise you want to hear, but maybe the best thing for you would be to separate from her for a while. If she still chooses recovery, then you would know that this is a choice she is making for herself and not for you. My guess right now, from what you've said, is that she is telling you what you want to hear. It doesn't sound to me like she's done with it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 4
Thank you so much for all the support and advice JJustired, Kj3880, rayofsunshine, IPT, Teke, Freedom1990... I will try to absorb and process all your suggestions in the best way possible, maybe it is still too early for me to accept this, meanwhile I will try to keep an update of things and share them, so maybe It can be helpfull to others, with all your wisdom.
By now, she's trying to make contact with me, telling me she wants to know about what I am doing and telling me she miss me so much. Of course, what always bother me on this "mini separations of us" is that she only seems to try contact me, when the weekend is off. LOL(but a LOL with deep sadness). Anyway, I told her about a good contract I pulled off last week, and I was happy for that, cuz it will put my company numbers to finally start moving from the financial recovery. Sharing that her makes me feel like the good times, and that's reminds me how I am starting to hate drugs. Maybe I am wrong.
I try not to be too avaible for her Text messaging, but if I told her, that I want to get a more serious "separation", how will I know if she taking treatment or something? when I usually end a relationship, I try to put REALLY some distance, until I don't feel anything about the girl. Maybe I am not ready to put the risk of losing her if I break with her, there so much feelings, I mean It would kill me to see her with other man because I walked away knowing that I love her.. (this is my heart writting only).
If she only tries to contact me for "knowing what I am doing" or "how my life is" or maybe she is brain washing me that "I have to go to her and ask her to marry me in order to get a new life (allegedly without drugs this time) and bring her to live with me", how do i avoid all that, without making clear to hear that I stepped away because of her compsuntion?
God, I never suspected that this disease will aftect me so much my thoughts and my common sense, even the way i love, i feel so messed. I usually I am tough guy, but I want to cry and scream at her "Leave the drugs!!!!".... and I even haven't had a single hit of weed in my life... I hate drugs.
By now, she's trying to make contact with me, telling me she wants to know about what I am doing and telling me she miss me so much. Of course, what always bother me on this "mini separations of us" is that she only seems to try contact me, when the weekend is off. LOL(but a LOL with deep sadness). Anyway, I told her about a good contract I pulled off last week, and I was happy for that, cuz it will put my company numbers to finally start moving from the financial recovery. Sharing that her makes me feel like the good times, and that's reminds me how I am starting to hate drugs. Maybe I am wrong.
I try not to be too avaible for her Text messaging, but if I told her, that I want to get a more serious "separation", how will I know if she taking treatment or something? when I usually end a relationship, I try to put REALLY some distance, until I don't feel anything about the girl. Maybe I am not ready to put the risk of losing her if I break with her, there so much feelings, I mean It would kill me to see her with other man because I walked away knowing that I love her.. (this is my heart writting only).
If she only tries to contact me for "knowing what I am doing" or "how my life is" or maybe she is brain washing me that "I have to go to her and ask her to marry me in order to get a new life (allegedly without drugs this time) and bring her to live with me", how do i avoid all that, without making clear to hear that I stepped away because of her compsuntion?
God, I never suspected that this disease will aftect me so much my thoughts and my common sense, even the way i love, i feel so messed. I usually I am tough guy, but I want to cry and scream at her "Leave the drugs!!!!".... and I even haven't had a single hit of weed in my life... I hate drugs.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Welcome!!!
Been there, done that. Those 'special' parties probably involve crack, no one free bases these days. Unless they do it differently in Argentina. I remember my ex telling about her cocaine use, she never mentioned the word crack until we had been in the relationship almost 2-1/2 years. Most folks-myself included-have a very negative image of crack cocaine, and rightly so.
I could send you copies of text messages and emails-amazing how addicts sound like they're reading from the same script-bottom line, my addict was mainly interested in what I had to offer her. Living in the world of an addict is like living in a parallel universe where black is white, up is down.
With an unrecovering addict/alcoholic everything is a head-game and the only winning move for me is not to play. Ever. Period. By sitting around worrying about his motivation, he has got you playing. If that's really what you want to do, fine...but, like I said, in my experience there is no way for you to win....the game is run by alcoholism, the parameters for the rules are set by the disease, the disease allows the alcoholic to change all the rules at will, except for one....and, ultimately, it's the only one that matters: ONLY THE DISEASE CAN WIN.
freya
Thought I'd share this wisdom from "Freya", if you read the posts here you will hear your story mirrored in someone else's story many times.
Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
Been there, done that. Those 'special' parties probably involve crack, no one free bases these days. Unless they do it differently in Argentina. I remember my ex telling about her cocaine use, she never mentioned the word crack until we had been in the relationship almost 2-1/2 years. Most folks-myself included-have a very negative image of crack cocaine, and rightly so.
I could send you copies of text messages and emails-amazing how addicts sound like they're reading from the same script-bottom line, my addict was mainly interested in what I had to offer her. Living in the world of an addict is like living in a parallel universe where black is white, up is down.
With an unrecovering addict/alcoholic everything is a head-game and the only winning move for me is not to play. Ever. Period. By sitting around worrying about his motivation, he has got you playing. If that's really what you want to do, fine...but, like I said, in my experience there is no way for you to win....the game is run by alcoholism, the parameters for the rules are set by the disease, the disease allows the alcoholic to change all the rules at will, except for one....and, ultimately, it's the only one that matters: ONLY THE DISEASE CAN WIN.
freya
Thought I'd share this wisdom from "Freya", if you read the posts here you will hear your story mirrored in someone else's story many times.
Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
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