I'm not "FUN" any more
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: MN
Posts: 40
I'm not "FUN" any more
So today is day 11.
And a little bit of a back story my husband has been the one telling me I need to quit drinking for over a year. He even started getting my parents involoved saying I had this big problem with drinking.
Well With his threats of leaving, and me knowing it was time to live sober & be there for my kids I made the decision to just quit.
Well I can count 2 times in the last 11 days that he has not drank. He's been to the bar 4 or 5 times in that time too & will come home from work & walk in the door with a beer in hand. He actually had me stop at the liquior store the other day while he ran in.
Normally our nights consist of the kids & I in the family room doing homework, playing cards, or watching TV. While he sits in the kitchen & plays stupid games on facebook, & drinks the whole time.
So last night he asked me no less than 10 times if I still wanted to be with him, & he feels ignored. I asked him to just quit & I was trying to deal with this in my own way. So after about 8 beers last night he proceeds to tell me that I'm not any fun anymore. Then started making comments like "Since when do you go to be at 10:30"
When I finally said Its hard for me to be around you when you are drinking when ever you are at home. And that I am doing excatly what he asked of me. Then he got pissed & tried to tell me he was supporting me, but he wished I would have some fun, and he didnt care if I had a couple drinks once in a while if I would just pay attention to him.
He is driving me insane!
And a little bit of a back story my husband has been the one telling me I need to quit drinking for over a year. He even started getting my parents involoved saying I had this big problem with drinking.
Well With his threats of leaving, and me knowing it was time to live sober & be there for my kids I made the decision to just quit.
Well I can count 2 times in the last 11 days that he has not drank. He's been to the bar 4 or 5 times in that time too & will come home from work & walk in the door with a beer in hand. He actually had me stop at the liquior store the other day while he ran in.
Normally our nights consist of the kids & I in the family room doing homework, playing cards, or watching TV. While he sits in the kitchen & plays stupid games on facebook, & drinks the whole time.
So last night he asked me no less than 10 times if I still wanted to be with him, & he feels ignored. I asked him to just quit & I was trying to deal with this in my own way. So after about 8 beers last night he proceeds to tell me that I'm not any fun anymore. Then started making comments like "Since when do you go to be at 10:30"
When I finally said Its hard for me to be around you when you are drinking when ever you are at home. And that I am doing excatly what he asked of me. Then he got pissed & tried to tell me he was supporting me, but he wished I would have some fun, and he didnt care if I had a couple drinks once in a while if I would just pay attention to him.
He is driving me insane!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
ToABetterMe11 first of all, you need to be sober for you, not him.
Explain to him that having a few driinks is not an option for you, tell him if he wants to support you then take the actions to do so and don't just talk about it! In other words, if he wants to talk the talk and have it matter he needs to walk the walk as well.
Do what you need to do for you, let him do what he needs to do, it almost sounds to me as though he may have a problem himself, perhaps now would be a good time to put the shoe on the other foot or possibly it may be time to just accept what he does or move on.
Stay sober for your self, let his problems be his and deal with your own.
Explain to him that having a few driinks is not an option for you, tell him if he wants to support you then take the actions to do so and don't just talk about it! In other words, if he wants to talk the talk and have it matter he needs to walk the walk as well.
Do what you need to do for you, let him do what he needs to do, it almost sounds to me as though he may have a problem himself, perhaps now would be a good time to put the shoe on the other foot or possibly it may be time to just accept what he does or move on.
Stay sober for your self, let his problems be his and deal with your own.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: WA Perth
Posts: 168
isnt it crazy,, how they want you to drink so it makes their drinking ok......
after i begged my husband to not bring it home,,he rocks up the next day with four pack of black bourbon, oh I got you some drinks babe.............just so it was ok for him to drink......
I have learnt that i have to do this on my own,,,,, and if it stays the same well decisions need to be made...
and i totally understand...... how the hell can they support us while they are drinking.... i dont get it....
after i begged my husband to not bring it home,,he rocks up the next day with four pack of black bourbon, oh I got you some drinks babe.............just so it was ok for him to drink......
I have learnt that i have to do this on my own,,,,, and if it stays the same well decisions need to be made...
and i totally understand...... how the hell can they support us while they are drinking.... i dont get it....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Congrats on the 11 days....
I was sober for close to 6 years, and just recently relapsed.
I too know I needed to quit. Tried several other times, and linked together several months. Finally, I knew I needed to quit, for myself, so that I could be a better person, a better wife, mother, sister, employee and friend.
My husband is a weekend warrior. He never quit drinking during any of this time. It used to bug the living crap out of me...but, I learned that was his choice. Just as he wanted me to stop, or just moderate (which I couldn't and tried many times) I chose to quit.
Its not easy having alcohol in your house while battling the demon. In the beginning he actually kept it in an ice chest, outside the house, and would sit outside if he was drinking. I never asked him not to drink, or not to bring it in the house. I know that I could be tempted with it in the house, or when I am in the grocery store. If I wanted to drink, I would find a way.
New sobriety is a rocky road at times. I discovered that alot of my emotional instability had to do with feelings that I had swallowed with my drinking. It takes time.
I also had to redefine what my idea of fun was. Drunks can be fun, but, they can also be annoying as anything. So...give it time.
Your hubby is also realizing he is losing his drinking buddy. He will have to deal with that in his own way.
It can be very challenging, but, sobriety is the best gift you can give your children. They need an example of an adult that doesn't have to get trashed to have fun.
Things will change...but, the gifts of sobriety are worth it.
I was sober for close to 6 years, and just recently relapsed.
I too know I needed to quit. Tried several other times, and linked together several months. Finally, I knew I needed to quit, for myself, so that I could be a better person, a better wife, mother, sister, employee and friend.
My husband is a weekend warrior. He never quit drinking during any of this time. It used to bug the living crap out of me...but, I learned that was his choice. Just as he wanted me to stop, or just moderate (which I couldn't and tried many times) I chose to quit.
Its not easy having alcohol in your house while battling the demon. In the beginning he actually kept it in an ice chest, outside the house, and would sit outside if he was drinking. I never asked him not to drink, or not to bring it in the house. I know that I could be tempted with it in the house, or when I am in the grocery store. If I wanted to drink, I would find a way.
New sobriety is a rocky road at times. I discovered that alot of my emotional instability had to do with feelings that I had swallowed with my drinking. It takes time.
I also had to redefine what my idea of fun was. Drunks can be fun, but, they can also be annoying as anything. So...give it time.
Your hubby is also realizing he is losing his drinking buddy. He will have to deal with that in his own way.
It can be very challenging, but, sobriety is the best gift you can give your children. They need an example of an adult that doesn't have to get trashed to have fun.
Things will change...but, the gifts of sobriety are worth it.
Meow
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: The Great Lakes State
Posts: 1,585
Ouch (((ToABetter)))
My hubby drinks also, but he is (in his own way) trying to cut down and be supportive right now. This is after the first week, where he offered to go and get me some beer one night when I was frustrated and also acted like he had no idea that I was actually going to quit. I think he was in denial and it was driving me crazy. Now he realizes that I am serious.
I don't know what to say about your hubby except to throw you some hugs and support. Maybe he'll realize that you are serious about your sobriety. Also, as Taz says, it is all about you right now. However, I know from experience that it is hard to be face to face daily with an active drinker when you are trying to quit.
My hubby drinks also, but he is (in his own way) trying to cut down and be supportive right now. This is after the first week, where he offered to go and get me some beer one night when I was frustrated and also acted like he had no idea that I was actually going to quit. I think he was in denial and it was driving me crazy. Now he realizes that I am serious.
I don't know what to say about your hubby except to throw you some hugs and support. Maybe he'll realize that you are serious about your sobriety. Also, as Taz says, it is all about you right now. However, I know from experience that it is hard to be face to face daily with an active drinker when you are trying to quit.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Oh boy reading that brought me back to those first few tender weeks/months of my sobriety. I got "not fun" too. My husband has never drank as much as you're telling us that yours does, but much of our social time together was for sure spent drinking. It really hurt me, when he'd blame me for things like that. When he would go out without me, and I'd be hurt.. and he'd remind me that I was the one that had the problem and I was the one to change 'everything'. It hurt, a lot. He also told me a handful of times that he missed his "buddy".. his drinking buddy, in me. That hurt a ton too.
Eventually after a few heartfelt and sobbing talks with him about how it FEELS when he says things like that, he started to realize that 1. he was hurting me, and had to stop it, and 2. that I was perhaps no longer his drinking buddy, but that I am his wife. And now he has me back. Sure I go to bed earlier, but I don't fall up the stairs anymore or pass out on the couch with a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I don't embarrass him by having to stumble out of the bar at last call, while he holds me up and drives me home.
After a few months, I noticed his drinking got less and less.. and of course I realized that it was ME who had practically turned HIM into a daily bar rat, because it's what I wanted to do. Now he drinks maybe once a week, and maybe a beer and a half, and has done that for months.. as he's not an alcoholic. There has not been alcohol in this house since the day I quit back in December.
Sometimes I do think about how much change has happened in our relationship, just by me getting sober, and I do think about how I would have felt, in the midst of our 4-6 times a week bar nights, if he had walked in the door and been like.. "I'm done, have fun if that's what you want to do". Maybe I would have rebelled.. maybe I would have been a little scared of the change in him. Maybe it would force me to really look at my OWN drinking behaviors. It would have scared the bejeezus out of me!
HOWEVER. It sounds like your husband has some serious problems w/ alcohol himself. Of course only HE can decide if he ever does something about that. Only YOU can decide if it's something you can live with now. I know that I could not have continued my relationship with my husband if he was an alcoholic, or a heavy drinker. My sobriety is life or death to me, and has to be.
Eventually after a few heartfelt and sobbing talks with him about how it FEELS when he says things like that, he started to realize that 1. he was hurting me, and had to stop it, and 2. that I was perhaps no longer his drinking buddy, but that I am his wife. And now he has me back. Sure I go to bed earlier, but I don't fall up the stairs anymore or pass out on the couch with a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I don't embarrass him by having to stumble out of the bar at last call, while he holds me up and drives me home.
After a few months, I noticed his drinking got less and less.. and of course I realized that it was ME who had practically turned HIM into a daily bar rat, because it's what I wanted to do. Now he drinks maybe once a week, and maybe a beer and a half, and has done that for months.. as he's not an alcoholic. There has not been alcohol in this house since the day I quit back in December.
Sometimes I do think about how much change has happened in our relationship, just by me getting sober, and I do think about how I would have felt, in the midst of our 4-6 times a week bar nights, if he had walked in the door and been like.. "I'm done, have fun if that's what you want to do". Maybe I would have rebelled.. maybe I would have been a little scared of the change in him. Maybe it would force me to really look at my OWN drinking behaviors. It would have scared the bejeezus out of me!
HOWEVER. It sounds like your husband has some serious problems w/ alcohol himself. Of course only HE can decide if he ever does something about that. Only YOU can decide if it's something you can live with now. I know that I could not have continued my relationship with my husband if he was an alcoholic, or a heavy drinker. My sobriety is life or death to me, and has to be.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: london, england
Posts: 184
you cant pronounce him as an alcholic, all you can do is keep yourself safe. the bottom line here is that if you want to stay sober "god can do for you what you cant do for yourself. no matter where you are or what situation you live in. you must do this for yourself and not for him.
One Foot in Front of the Other
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 582
ToABetterMe:
I am very sorry that your husband does not seem to be taking your sobriety seriously, and worse, appears to be guilting you for it.
When I was thinking about quitting drinking, "not being fun anymore" was one of my big concerns. So I opened up to my wife about it. She was, and is, very supportive of my decision, and this should not surpirse me even though it did initially.
I think the really big tests for me will be the reactions of friends and family during the upcoming holidays.
As others here have noted, you need to do whatever you feel in necessary to protect your sobriety, regardless of what your husband does. Of course, I can't tell you what techniques will work for you, so please continue to look at what has worked for other people, and don't be bashful about posting here and asking for help.
Be well!
I am very sorry that your husband does not seem to be taking your sobriety seriously, and worse, appears to be guilting you for it.
When I was thinking about quitting drinking, "not being fun anymore" was one of my big concerns. So I opened up to my wife about it. She was, and is, very supportive of my decision, and this should not surpirse me even though it did initially.
I think the really big tests for me will be the reactions of friends and family during the upcoming holidays.
As others here have noted, you need to do whatever you feel in necessary to protect your sobriety, regardless of what your husband does. Of course, I can't tell you what techniques will work for you, so please continue to look at what has worked for other people, and don't be bashful about posting here and asking for help.
Be well!
Hannitized
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 353
Originally Posted by ToABetterMe11 
So today is day 11.
And a little bit of a back story my husband has been the one telling me I need to quit drinking for over a year. He even started getting my parents involoved saying I had this big problem with drinking.
And a little bit of a back story my husband has been the one telling me I need to quit drinking for over a year. He even started getting my parents involoved saying I had this big problem with drinking.
Maybe your husband in projecting a bit.
Congrats on your sober time! That is awesome!!!
Disposable Hero
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Being, ME
Posts: 3,758
It may seem like a contradiction that he wanted one thing and now wants another. How has doing what he wanted, when he wanted it worked out for you in the past? In what ways is he your Higher Power?
Unfortunatly, addicts & alcoholics (when they are using) tend to be very controlling and manipulative of everyone else around them. As the disease continues to cause harm to our emotional, mental, spiritual, & physical well being, it causes an amount of pain which cannot be indentified easily. As it continues to take away the feedom of choice from us, we act more and more against our true nature. The result of this, for many of us, has been that we become confused about who we really are, what we are really doing, & where we are really going. Denial and refusal of the truth about our condition isolates us from the power to do anything about it. For many of us, we became trapped by the very thing which used to be fun at one time.
i hope that you will seek out the support & acceptance of recovering alcoholics and addicts who have found a new way to live. Congratulations on staying sober for this amount of time & i look forward to you sharing about your commitment to stay that way no matter what.
Unfortunatly, addicts & alcoholics (when they are using) tend to be very controlling and manipulative of everyone else around them. As the disease continues to cause harm to our emotional, mental, spiritual, & physical well being, it causes an amount of pain which cannot be indentified easily. As it continues to take away the feedom of choice from us, we act more and more against our true nature. The result of this, for many of us, has been that we become confused about who we really are, what we are really doing, & where we are really going. Denial and refusal of the truth about our condition isolates us from the power to do anything about it. For many of us, we became trapped by the very thing which used to be fun at one time.
i hope that you will seek out the support & acceptance of recovering alcoholics and addicts who have found a new way to live. Congratulations on staying sober for this amount of time & i look forward to you sharing about your commitment to stay that way no matter what.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Originally Posted by ToABetterMe11
While he sits in the kitchen & plays stupid games on facebook, & drinks the whole time.
Well done on your 11 days, hopefully he will follow your lead, but that is not to be your concern, you need to concenttrate on yourself:-)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: U.K.
Posts: 9
I have the problem where my good lady who is a very moderate drinker gives me grief for drinking and belittles me because of it. When I've tried to stop previously she's always said that when I stop I get easily annoyed with her and the kids because I haven't had a drink so it then makes it easy for me to start drinking again.
Tonight I told her in no uncertain terms that if she was going to give me grief when I drank and grief when I didn't then the complete subject was now out of bounds. My recovery is progressing and even if she refuses to leave the subject alone I'll not drink because I don't want to drink and not because she wants a sparring partner.
It's her choice how she deals with that but I guess I can't be that bad a guy if she's decided to stay with me for ten years. Up till now anyway !
Hope this is of help.
Tonight I told her in no uncertain terms that if she was going to give me grief when I drank and grief when I didn't then the complete subject was now out of bounds. My recovery is progressing and even if she refuses to leave the subject alone I'll not drink because I don't want to drink and not because she wants a sparring partner.
It's her choice how she deals with that but I guess I can't be that bad a guy if she's decided to stay with me for ten years. Up till now anyway !
Hope this is of help.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 6
I'm nearly 6 months sober, and both my wife and my 15 year old son have told me I was more fun when I was drinking. Of course, both of them wanted me to quit when I was drinking. Sometimes you just can't win. What's important is that you're keeping your comittment to sobriety, and you can't control what your husband does. Don't let him guilt you into taking a drink, you'll regret it forever.
I think it's completely selfish of him to drink in front of you, especially this early in your sobriety. I also think he's acting totally selfishly when he sits at the computer networking on facebook. Let him know he needs to spend time with his family, and the time he spends isolating himself on the computer is time better spend with his kids.
I think it's completely selfish of him to drink in front of you, especially this early in your sobriety. I also think he's acting totally selfishly when he sits at the computer networking on facebook. Let him know he needs to spend time with his family, and the time he spends isolating himself on the computer is time better spend with his kids.
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