Scared
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 46
Scared
I have a big decision to make. I posted what has been going on in my life in this thread last weekend.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...truggling.html
In short, my wife enjoys spending time around people who use drugs and alcohol. I know that for her its not so much about the substances as it is about the people. Many of these people are mutual friends of ours. I like them too. Then again there are also people in this category that I absolutely cannot stomach. These people party hard and they encouraged my wife to divorce me because of my drinking and drugging. Given that my wife is, to my best knowledge, absolutely clean and sober, I know it may sound odd that her social preferences trouble me. I'm not even sure if it matters that anyone completely understand how I'm feeling. The fact of the matter is that I'm deeply troubled by all this. Her spending time with these people is a temptation to me and it leaves me feeling abandoned.
We're butting heads over this in a big way. We've spent a lot of time over the last few days fighting about this. We're trying to work through it in marriage counseling and individually with our own therapists. Well, I had my appointment yesterday and through the course of my session, I came to a rather unsettling conclusion.
My marriage to the woman I love almost came to an end because of my addiction. The continuation of our marriage is also predicated upon my continued sobriety. I'm willing to accept this. I don't quite think that my actions as an addict warrant divorce and, given that relapse is statistically probable, never drinking or using a drug again is a tall order. Nevertheless, this is hand life has dealt me right now. It may or may not be fair, but failure is not an option. So in short, addiction almost ended my marriage.
Now, my wife's actions are causing me major temptations. I feel tempted because I want to be out at the parties she attends. I feel like using because I'm home alone. There's a lot of difficult stuff going on in my life right now, its a struggle to remain clean through all of it. This stuff with my wife seems like its an unnecessary burden. Does she really NEED to be out and about in these situations? Its not that I want her to have no social life. What I do want is for our lives to transition away from this dark world of addiction. Right now I feel like I can't stay sober if she wants to keep one foot in that world. I'm scared that her actions are going to cause me to relapse. If it happens its going to be me that relapses, not her. She can't make it happen, but she can influence it.
My point is that I'm scared that her hanging around certain people will lead to my using again. I already mentioned that if I use again, our marriage is going to end. This leaves me at a difficult realization.
I don't want to relapse. If I do, amongst many other negative consequences, my marriage is over. Perhaps I need to end my marriage before I relapse, that is if she refuses to change her behavior. If I'm going to end up divorced, I might as well be do it and be sober while dealing with it. If it ends because of my using I feel like I'll enter into a downward spiral that I'll never get out of. A big reason I got clean was to save my marriage. I never thought sobriety would threaten it.
This sucks, big time. I don't want this to happen. I'll do anything in my power to avoid it. I just don't feel like I'm going to have the power to stay clean if things stay the way they are.
There's a lot I know I need to change. My recovery is going to get stronger with time. I'm also working on my abandonment issues. I'm desperately trying to find a new job so that our schedules provide us more time together. Part of me feels like if we had more time to spend socializing together, this all might go away, I don't know. I just don't know why she can't be more flexible or accommodating. After my therapy session yesterday, I see now that her giving up these friends is a big thing. On the other hand, I'm not being unfair. It was a big thing for me to get clean and sober. This doesn't mean that she didn't have the right to demand that I do it.
I'm going to talk to her about all this soon, probably today. Any advice or support would be much appreciated. I can't believe I'm at this point and that divorce is a reality, again. Thanks for listening.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...truggling.html
In short, my wife enjoys spending time around people who use drugs and alcohol. I know that for her its not so much about the substances as it is about the people. Many of these people are mutual friends of ours. I like them too. Then again there are also people in this category that I absolutely cannot stomach. These people party hard and they encouraged my wife to divorce me because of my drinking and drugging. Given that my wife is, to my best knowledge, absolutely clean and sober, I know it may sound odd that her social preferences trouble me. I'm not even sure if it matters that anyone completely understand how I'm feeling. The fact of the matter is that I'm deeply troubled by all this. Her spending time with these people is a temptation to me and it leaves me feeling abandoned.
We're butting heads over this in a big way. We've spent a lot of time over the last few days fighting about this. We're trying to work through it in marriage counseling and individually with our own therapists. Well, I had my appointment yesterday and through the course of my session, I came to a rather unsettling conclusion.
My marriage to the woman I love almost came to an end because of my addiction. The continuation of our marriage is also predicated upon my continued sobriety. I'm willing to accept this. I don't quite think that my actions as an addict warrant divorce and, given that relapse is statistically probable, never drinking or using a drug again is a tall order. Nevertheless, this is hand life has dealt me right now. It may or may not be fair, but failure is not an option. So in short, addiction almost ended my marriage.
Now, my wife's actions are causing me major temptations. I feel tempted because I want to be out at the parties she attends. I feel like using because I'm home alone. There's a lot of difficult stuff going on in my life right now, its a struggle to remain clean through all of it. This stuff with my wife seems like its an unnecessary burden. Does she really NEED to be out and about in these situations? Its not that I want her to have no social life. What I do want is for our lives to transition away from this dark world of addiction. Right now I feel like I can't stay sober if she wants to keep one foot in that world. I'm scared that her actions are going to cause me to relapse. If it happens its going to be me that relapses, not her. She can't make it happen, but she can influence it.
My point is that I'm scared that her hanging around certain people will lead to my using again. I already mentioned that if I use again, our marriage is going to end. This leaves me at a difficult realization.
I don't want to relapse. If I do, amongst many other negative consequences, my marriage is over. Perhaps I need to end my marriage before I relapse, that is if she refuses to change her behavior. If I'm going to end up divorced, I might as well be do it and be sober while dealing with it. If it ends because of my using I feel like I'll enter into a downward spiral that I'll never get out of. A big reason I got clean was to save my marriage. I never thought sobriety would threaten it.
This sucks, big time. I don't want this to happen. I'll do anything in my power to avoid it. I just don't feel like I'm going to have the power to stay clean if things stay the way they are.
There's a lot I know I need to change. My recovery is going to get stronger with time. I'm also working on my abandonment issues. I'm desperately trying to find a new job so that our schedules provide us more time together. Part of me feels like if we had more time to spend socializing together, this all might go away, I don't know. I just don't know why she can't be more flexible or accommodating. After my therapy session yesterday, I see now that her giving up these friends is a big thing. On the other hand, I'm not being unfair. It was a big thing for me to get clean and sober. This doesn't mean that she didn't have the right to demand that I do it.
I'm going to talk to her about all this soon, probably today. Any advice or support would be much appreciated. I can't believe I'm at this point and that divorce is a reality, again. Thanks for listening.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome back Meo
The only thing you can control is yourself and your responses. She could not make you get clean and sober, she can not keep you clean and sober. If you pick up again, it will be because YOU PICKED UP AGAIN. She is not powerful enough to make you pick up again.
Your life, your choices.
Her life, her choices.
She is an adult. She needs to be able to make her adult choices and pay the consequences for her actions.
Your counselor may be able to help you with boundaries and control issues.
For today, breathe!
You don't have to decide the fate of your entire marriage today before 3:00 p.m. right? Why put that kind of pressure on yourself?
I struggled with my marriage for years. Should I stay or should I go? I finally put my marriage on the 24 hour plan. Each morning before I put my feet on the floor, I decided if I would stay married that day or begin taking steps to end the marriage. Everyday during those last 2 years, I made the decision to stay married, then I put my feet to the floor and lived that day to the best of my married ability. That's all that I had the power to do.
In my case, the day finally came when I decided to take the necessary steps to end my marriage. I put my feet to the floor that day and took those steps.
Each day I was able to free my mind from internal struggle by choosing the path for the day. Each day I had peace knowing that I was doing the best I could for that day.
Best wishes for today.
The only thing you can control is yourself and your responses. She could not make you get clean and sober, she can not keep you clean and sober. If you pick up again, it will be because YOU PICKED UP AGAIN. She is not powerful enough to make you pick up again.
Your life, your choices.
Her life, her choices.
She is an adult. She needs to be able to make her adult choices and pay the consequences for her actions.
Your counselor may be able to help you with boundaries and control issues.
For today, breathe!
You don't have to decide the fate of your entire marriage today before 3:00 p.m. right? Why put that kind of pressure on yourself?
I struggled with my marriage for years. Should I stay or should I go? I finally put my marriage on the 24 hour plan. Each morning before I put my feet on the floor, I decided if I would stay married that day or begin taking steps to end the marriage. Everyday during those last 2 years, I made the decision to stay married, then I put my feet to the floor and lived that day to the best of my married ability. That's all that I had the power to do.
In my case, the day finally came when I decided to take the necessary steps to end my marriage. I put my feet to the floor that day and took those steps.
Each day I was able to free my mind from internal struggle by choosing the path for the day. Each day I had peace knowing that I was doing the best I could for that day.
Best wishes for today.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Meo I had to get sober for me and nobody else. My marriage was as close to ending as possible, so close that when I went into detox I had no idea if my family would still be home when I got out.
Just tell her the truth, exactly how you feel and why. If you feel that these other folks are a threat to your sobriety then just tell your wife you are not going to hang with them.
You bet, no matter what, if you have your sobriety you stand a chance, perhaps you could tell her this.
This sounds to me like an excellent course of action, just be sure to be honest with your wife and the therapist, the chips are going to fall where they may.
Just tell her the truth, exactly how you feel and why. If you feel that these other folks are a threat to your sobriety then just tell your wife you are not going to hang with them.
If I'm going to end up divorced, I might as well be do it and be sober while dealing with it.
We're trying to work through it in marriage counseling and individually with our own therapists.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Meo,
I'm going to be honest with you. Reading your post, I feel like you are too tied up in your wife's life/issues. I really believe you need to focus on yourself and your sobriety. Don't accept the notion that a relapse is inevitable. It's not. A relapse is a choice. You need to focus your energy on not having a relapse. Also, it sounds to me like your wife is making a choice of what she wants in her life. Have you told specifically how difficult it is for you to be around people who are drinking/using? If so, then you probably can't change much. All you can do is to take care of yourself.
I'm going to be honest with you. Reading your post, I feel like you are too tied up in your wife's life/issues. I really believe you need to focus on yourself and your sobriety. Don't accept the notion that a relapse is inevitable. It's not. A relapse is a choice. You need to focus your energy on not having a relapse. Also, it sounds to me like your wife is making a choice of what she wants in her life. Have you told specifically how difficult it is for you to be around people who are drinking/using? If so, then you probably can't change much. All you can do is to take care of yourself.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
What she said.. 
Relapse is part of active addiction, NOT recovery. It is a choice.
Your wife is also making choices for her life.
Sounds like it's good you are seeing counselors..
I think we forget how much pain and destruction we cause while wrapped up in active addiction.
Relapse is part of active addiction, NOT recovery. It is a choice.
Your wife is also making choices for her life.
Sounds like it's good you are seeing counselors..
I think we forget how much pain and destruction we cause while wrapped up in active addiction.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 219
Hi Meo...I think your sobriety is the most important thing. If being with your wife makes your life so miserable because you are tempted to use maybe you would be better off getting your divorce while you are sober. At least you are in control and will be able to deal better. I know that is harsh but I just had to say it as it is how I feel after reading your post. Good luck with everything and I hope it all works out for the best.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 46
I'm not accepting that relapse is inevitable. The fact that I'm considering dissolving my marriage to avoid one speaks to that. The fact of the matter is that not only do most people not recover from addiction, the ones that do usually relapse and its usually more than once before they finally clean up. I only know one person who stayed sober after their first encounter with rehab/recovery. I'm working hard to make sure it doesn't happen. This doesn't mean I'm not scared that it could happen.
I'm also not sure that I'm too wrapped up in my wife's issues/life. This isn't a friend or a parent or a sibling or even my child. My wife is my partner in life. Our lives are practically one and the same. In order for this to work we need to be on the same page. Would anyone argue that I DON'T need to change people, places and things. Even if my wife isn't one of those in herself, if she keeps me tied to them is it unreasonable for me to ask her to give them up.
As I said in my other thread, after all the chaos that addiction brought into our lives, I would think that she would want nothing to do with those kinds of environments. I REALLY don't want to give up on this marriage. The thought of leaving her makes me sick to my stomach. I'm not looking to control her. My hope is that I can help her to see why the alternative is in her and our interest.
I'm also not sure that I'm too wrapped up in my wife's issues/life. This isn't a friend or a parent or a sibling or even my child. My wife is my partner in life. Our lives are practically one and the same. In order for this to work we need to be on the same page. Would anyone argue that I DON'T need to change people, places and things. Even if my wife isn't one of those in herself, if she keeps me tied to them is it unreasonable for me to ask her to give them up.
As I said in my other thread, after all the chaos that addiction brought into our lives, I would think that she would want nothing to do with those kinds of environments. I REALLY don't want to give up on this marriage. The thought of leaving her makes me sick to my stomach. I'm not looking to control her. My hope is that I can help her to see why the alternative is in her and our interest.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 46
So what you're saying is that I should never try to change someone's actions/opinions/etc? If so then I suppose that my wife shouldn't have attempted to get me to get clean and sober? I guarantee you that I would still be out ruining my life had she not intervened. Her actions allowed me to see. She changed my perspective. I'm clean now for myself, but its not only for myself. I owe it to her. I owe it to a few people to be quite honest.
Even beyond recovery, I've seen many people change many other people. I recall myself sitting in a philosophy class, stubborn as hell thinking I already had all the answers. It was because a good professor took a chance and challenged me that I was able to make a lot of positive changes. He may not have changed me but he was a huge contributing factor to the process. I probably wouldn't be sober if I wasn't able to understand myself and that ability came because of that professor.
What I want to achieve with my wife is along these lines. She has to change herself but I can certainly contribute to that change. I think that by presenting my argument to her and laying things on the line, I can help her see things more clearly.
Sorry, I'm just not of the opinion that we can only change ourselves. I'm of the opinion that we can change the world. I think that things often stay the same because people refuse to take risks and put themselves out there. Thanks for the advice.
Even beyond recovery, I've seen many people change many other people. I recall myself sitting in a philosophy class, stubborn as hell thinking I already had all the answers. It was because a good professor took a chance and challenged me that I was able to make a lot of positive changes. He may not have changed me but he was a huge contributing factor to the process. I probably wouldn't be sober if I wasn't able to understand myself and that ability came because of that professor.
What I want to achieve with my wife is along these lines. She has to change herself but I can certainly contribute to that change. I think that by presenting my argument to her and laying things on the line, I can help her see things more clearly.
Sorry, I'm just not of the opinion that we can only change ourselves. I'm of the opinion that we can change the world. I think that things often stay the same because people refuse to take risks and put themselves out there. Thanks for the advice.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
meo.. you came here for ideas and suggestions (I think?), and I understand you're having a hell of a time.. but you seem very defensive about the very things you're requesting guidance about.
What would be more helpful to you? All we can provide is our experience and ideas.
It sounds like what you're doing NOW is not working..
What would be more helpful to you? All we can provide is our experience and ideas.
It sounds like what you're doing NOW is not working..
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 46
I am looking for advice, I thanked everyone for it at the end of my last post as I always do. I'm inquisitive and argumentative by nature. I'm trying to understand my situation. I believe we reach our deepest insights through dialogue not instruction. This isn't a minor problem I'm facing. If someone recommends a course of action to me, the decision that I will ultimately make is too important for me not to second guess that course of action. I'm sorry you think I'm not working. Trying to work through this problem is exactly what I am doing. I appreciate everything that you all have said to me so far. Just because I might not agree with some of the things mentioned does not imply that I am being defensive.
I'm in a bad spot. I'm looking for suggestions and a lot of this is that I need to vent my feelings. I'm trying to be honest. If I don't reply with my objections then, in my mind I'm not being honest. If I object, it means I don't understand or that I think that I might have a preferable answer. I'm not trying to win a debate here. I'm trying to preserve my recovery and save my marriage. Sorry if I stepped on your toes if that's what you think I did. Thanks for listening.
I'm in a bad spot. I'm looking for suggestions and a lot of this is that I need to vent my feelings. I'm trying to be honest. If I don't reply with my objections then, in my mind I'm not being honest. If I object, it means I don't understand or that I think that I might have a preferable answer. I'm not trying to win a debate here. I'm trying to preserve my recovery and save my marriage. Sorry if I stepped on your toes if that's what you think I did. Thanks for listening.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
I said what you're doing isn't working.. or doesn't seem to be thus far. I also said that I think it's great you guys are getting some counseling. I understand this is huge for you, and I agree with the fact that you're in a bad spot. I really was just wondering if what people were throwing out there as ideas were nothing you wanted to hear, what else might be helpful to you. I wish you luck with this situation, take care 
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I agree with Anna. But at the same time I am really curious as to why if you and your addiction almost ended your marriage. I am guessing your wife wasnt too happy about you using. Why she would hang out with people that do the same exact thing that almost caused you two to split?
But that really may not be the point. I was just wondering.
But that really may not be the point. I was just wondering.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 46
Aysha, you guessed right and I'm just as puzzled as to why she wants to revisit that environment. She has told me it is because she doesn't have to take care of these other people. I believe that she feels that way, but I don't get it. So be it. She doesn't get why I have a problem with it as long as she's not using or drinking. My argument is that she doesn't have to get why it bothers me (at least not in full) she only needs to understand that it does. I hope that she can come to see exactly how much it its harming me and therefore how much it hurts our marriage. At that point I'm hoping that our marriage means more than a few hours socializing. If its not, then I don't need to be in the marriage anymore, especially if its going to jeopardize my sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 184
Meo, I'm sorry to hear you are going through this tough time both working to stay sober and working to save your marriage. I understand your situation very well as I no longer drink but my wife is an active alcoholic and it can be very difficult to not pick up when it is right in front of me every night. (*disclaimer: I am still addicted to opiates)
I think what you are getting at is that you want your wife's assistance (or at the least not hinderance) in staying sober so that you may stay married and sober.
I bet you are wondering why is she not understanding how this effects you and your ability to stay sober to be able to stay married to her?
What a vicious circle! I'm sure that because she does not have addiction issues she will have/is having a difficult time understanding how this effects you. BUT, being your life mate one might expect that she would listen to your concerns and do her best to understand and help you to stay the course even if that means sacrificing her social time with this group of friends.
Personally, I see your wish to contribute to her changing her own behavior by providing insight as reasonable. I see it as open communication. You are not forcing her to change. It sounds like you are asking her to respect your sobriety, which she had a part in bringing about, and that while you did it for yourself you also did it for her and your marriage. You are now, essentially, asking the same of her.
I agree with Anna, and others, that it sounds like she is making a choice regarding her wants and that while you can try to get your wife's understanding it is really only your behavior/thoughts you can control. I'm not saying that you are trying to control her, just that its only you who can pick up that drink.
Have you discussed in your sessions with the marriage counselor what she wants regarding your behavior/hers and how each can contribute to making it work or breaking it down? Have you talked about mutual respect? I'll bet, if your drinking effected your marriage like mine (and my wife's) did, there are bound to be respect issues to work on. I hope you can get to a place of understanding each others wants and needs.
I'm sorry if I rambled or talked in circles.
I think what you are getting at is that you want your wife's assistance (or at the least not hinderance) in staying sober so that you may stay married and sober.
I bet you are wondering why is she not understanding how this effects you and your ability to stay sober to be able to stay married to her?
What a vicious circle! I'm sure that because she does not have addiction issues she will have/is having a difficult time understanding how this effects you. BUT, being your life mate one might expect that she would listen to your concerns and do her best to understand and help you to stay the course even if that means sacrificing her social time with this group of friends.
Personally, I see your wish to contribute to her changing her own behavior by providing insight as reasonable. I see it as open communication. You are not forcing her to change. It sounds like you are asking her to respect your sobriety, which she had a part in bringing about, and that while you did it for yourself you also did it for her and your marriage. You are now, essentially, asking the same of her.
I agree with Anna, and others, that it sounds like she is making a choice regarding her wants and that while you can try to get your wife's understanding it is really only your behavior/thoughts you can control. I'm not saying that you are trying to control her, just that its only you who can pick up that drink.
Have you discussed in your sessions with the marriage counselor what she wants regarding your behavior/hers and how each can contribute to making it work or breaking it down? Have you talked about mutual respect? I'll bet, if your drinking effected your marriage like mine (and my wife's) did, there are bound to be respect issues to work on. I hope you can get to a place of understanding each others wants and needs.
I'm sorry if I rambled or talked in circles.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi Meo
you've got some great advice here, especially from Pelican and Anna.
Trust me, relapse is only inevitable if you think it will be.
I 'relapsed' many 100s of times over 15 years, but over the last 2 and a half years, despite some quite dreadful ups and downs, my sobriety has remained intact.
Work hard enough at it and yours will be too
Speak to your wife about this - tell her how you feel - I hope you two can work it out.
D
you've got some great advice here, especially from Pelican and Anna.
Trust me, relapse is only inevitable if you think it will be.
I 'relapsed' many 100s of times over 15 years, but over the last 2 and a half years, despite some quite dreadful ups and downs, my sobriety has remained intact.
Work hard enough at it and yours will be too
Speak to your wife about this - tell her how you feel - I hope you two can work it out.
D
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Well, I guess I will go against the grain here and suggest there a couple of scenarios that may be going on. Did your wife marry you when you where an active alcoholic/drug user? If so, she may have been attracted to all the drama and the adventure of the life, and that persona that you used to be....and maybe she slipped into codependency and liked that role. Sounds sick? Not really, it's rather common.
So now you are trying to stay sober....it may not be that surprising that she may still be attracted to the "scene". And still wants that "role". Which may be exactly why she is seeking it out.
You also can't rule out the fact that if you introduced her to this group of friends while you were actively drinking and using....it is not all that strange that she developed friendships there and wants to keep them. Those friendships don't seem to be based on using and she may actually have different relationships with them than what you are imagining.
I would recommend that you let it happen. Let her be with them, especially if she apparently is not using. You both are probably going through the trauma that often happens in relationships when one of the partners gets sober or straight: it is actually quite difficult on the partner who is NOT recovering.
If she knew you as mr. Party hardy and good ol' times, it is going to be a transition for her to get to know the new you. She may find you boring. For a while.
I mean, us recovering people rarely think about how we would feel if our partners walked through the door one day being VERY different from before and not at all the same person we were used to. That is sort of what we do to them when we recover.
So now you are trying to stay sober....it may not be that surprising that she may still be attracted to the "scene". And still wants that "role". Which may be exactly why she is seeking it out.
You also can't rule out the fact that if you introduced her to this group of friends while you were actively drinking and using....it is not all that strange that she developed friendships there and wants to keep them. Those friendships don't seem to be based on using and she may actually have different relationships with them than what you are imagining.
I would recommend that you let it happen. Let her be with them, especially if she apparently is not using. You both are probably going through the trauma that often happens in relationships when one of the partners gets sober or straight: it is actually quite difficult on the partner who is NOT recovering.
If she knew you as mr. Party hardy and good ol' times, it is going to be a transition for her to get to know the new you. She may find you boring. For a while.
I mean, us recovering people rarely think about how we would feel if our partners walked through the door one day being VERY different from before and not at all the same person we were used to. That is sort of what we do to them when we recover.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Oregon
Posts: 50
I'm only 8 days sober so don't have a lot of advice to offer, but I salute you for asking other's opinions.
While I pretty much agree with what Anna and Smacked and some of the others have said, I also am puzzled by your wife's behavior.
I have a kind of similar situation where my boyfriend recently told me he thinks I'm an alcoholic and suggested I go to AA. And I have been going (for me, not for him). Part of the reason I was drinking so much lately was to block out the anger I was feeling because of the (very heavy drinking) neighbors he has become close friends with, who are over at our house pretty much every day for the past several months. It's been driving me crazy, and I've talked with him about it many times. Now, even though I'm not drinking, he still hangs out with them A LOT. (Interesting that they don't come over here at all since I stopped, but he still goes over to their house pretty much every day, often even before he comes home.) And get this: While I was in my first AA meeting, he called those same neighbors, and after the meeting, I found them all in a bar down the street, drinking beer. I think there's something passive-aggressive going on that others are not seeing here. Just my 2 cents.
While I pretty much agree with what Anna and Smacked and some of the others have said, I also am puzzled by your wife's behavior.
I have a kind of similar situation where my boyfriend recently told me he thinks I'm an alcoholic and suggested I go to AA. And I have been going (for me, not for him). Part of the reason I was drinking so much lately was to block out the anger I was feeling because of the (very heavy drinking) neighbors he has become close friends with, who are over at our house pretty much every day for the past several months. It's been driving me crazy, and I've talked with him about it many times. Now, even though I'm not drinking, he still hangs out with them A LOT. (Interesting that they don't come over here at all since I stopped, but he still goes over to their house pretty much every day, often even before he comes home.) And get this: While I was in my first AA meeting, he called those same neighbors, and after the meeting, I found them all in a bar down the street, drinking beer. I think there's something passive-aggressive going on that others are not seeing here. Just my 2 cents.
Last edited by UniversesChild; 09-17-2009 at 05:51 PM. Reason: spelling error
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