Puggrinz

Well not doing so hot today. It's been four days since I have heard from my AAH (I hope that's correct, addicted alcoholic husband). I have seen no bank activity since he took out a rather large cash advance on his credit card last thursday. I have had no calls from him, I checked airline reservations as he flys to work and nothing. It's like he has just fallen off the face of the earth, except I know he hasn't. He has a meeting tomorrow for work, then goes off on a two week business trip. I have heard nothing from him. Nothing. So this is new--usually he always calls, every few days even if to say something nasty like he isn't coming home or he wants a divorce or something. But now, nothing. His "roommate" called me today to tell me he was going to come by and pay me some money for taking care of his dog because my husband had been telling him that I had been harping on him for the money. I explained to the roommate that this was a lie and I did not expect to be paid. I took care of the dog because I wanted to and that I did not expect compensation. So not only has my husband left me eleven days ago and not spoken to me since I called him in moments of weakness on saturday, now he is lying about me. I keep going back and forth between anger and sadness. Sadness because I feel so unloved and thrown away. And I keep reading the sticky about what an addict does, but right now it isn't helping. I just feel worthless and have spent the day crying and crying and crying. I think it is because I am so fearful because I can't track his movements, he has fallen completely off the grid. So I know that comes back to trying to control him. I also know that I am having trouble with "let go and Let God". I just can't stand this silent treatment!! And that's exactly what it feels like the silent treatment. I keep fighting with myself, I want to pick up the phone and call him on his cell. But I keep warring with myself because I think that's always what I do, I chase him down and before long I am crying and begging him back. I keep thinking I need to just leave him be--stay out of his business, mind my own. But it's like I am totally being ignored!! And after eight years of being together he knows how much I HATE the silent treatment. He knows that even a drunk phone call to me is better than none. I can't believe that someone who says he loves me and who I think in his way does, can treat me this way. And I am such a puddle of self doubt that I keep wondering "well maybe now he doesn't. Maybe he has found someone else and I just CAN'T STAND IT!!!! I CAN'T STAND THE SILENCE!!!!!!!!

teke

ok, lets take a long breath. first of all, he seems to be communicating with the friend so we know he's probably ok. he checked out a large sum of cash so he's probably out using. just my opinion though.

addicts are master manipulators, he could possible be somewhere waiting on you to chase him down, but in doing so, are you saying that you are willing to quitely except his behavior? i do agree with you, if you can, leave him alone allowing him to suffer the consequences of his actions.

time to do whatever you have to for you. protect your finances, maybe get your own account if you don't already have one. if you are tied to that card maybe a good idea to detach yourself from it if you can. have you gone to any alanon meetings yet?

you are not alone, most of us are either where you are or have been there. i know its hard but this has nothing to do with you, its probably his addiction that is keeping him away. active addicts usually WILL NOT allow anyone or anything come between them and their getting high.

you setting boundaries with consequences will probably be the best thing you can do for the both of you.

when i first came here, i was literally going insane, worrying about the same kinds of behavior. my ah would stay away days at a time.

do whatever you have to to keep yourself from thinking about him. what do you like to do? do it for minutes at a time if you have to but do it. you can get better even if he's not quite ready yet. i'm still praying for you guys.

Puggrinz

Ok, I have calmed down some. Yes I did go to my first al anon meeting. It helped, (yesterday and Monday night) Just today all my fears and anxieties hit me because I knew he was going to leave for work and of course he didn't call and say goodbye or go to h--l or anything. Not that I really expected him to, but still had unrealistic hope. One of my giant fears is that he is with another woman, and I know I get this because my alcoholic father cheated on my mother when they split up. So, that has always been my fear no matter what relationship I am in. And of course, I feel miserable and I imagine him out there just having a ball and charming this person and that person and floating through the air with no responsibilities and drinking and using and laughing and so much happier without me! And I feel like crap because all I can think about is that he doesn't love me, even though the other part of my brain says how can he??? he's addicted and only loves his substances of choice!!

teke

try to change your thoughts when you get negative thoughts like this. i know its hard but you can do it. i'm a recovering addict and i can tell you, using drugs was not fun. it was the most miserable life i've ever had to try to live. this has nothing to do with whether or not he loves you. right now, i'm almost sure, his getting high is what he's most concerned about.

really, he's gonna do what he's gonna do and you making yourself sick with worry is not help. i think he loves you the best he know how right now. drugs will keep you stuck out there.

don't know if you believe in the bible but there is a passage that says something like "the thing you fear the most will come to past. try for a minute or two to think about something other than him. something you can do to lose your thoughts doing. he'll probably show up with all kinds of excuses and all depressed when his money and drugs run out.

maybe its time that you start planning what you want your life to look like in the near future and focus on working toward that goal. addiction get progressive worse. is this something you can live with for the long haul?

trust me, i know how hard and how painful this gets. i'm now separated from my ah of 23yr. it took me 21 of those yrs to figure out that i had to let go or be drug through the mud with him. when i first came here, i was literally going insane with worry. try to keep focusing on you, you do deserve to be treated better, you deserve more than he seems to be offering right now. it will get better, i promise.

Puggrinz

Thank you. Yes, I have been doing some reading tonight on this site. I have really taken this one statement that I think you said in another posting:
That's just what addicts do.
Someone else wrote: It's not personal.
So those two statements have really helped me tonight. I just keep repeating to myself,
It's not personal, it's just what addicts do.
I am not ready yet to think about the future. Because it makes me all panicky. So right now I just have to deal with right now. Right now I have peace. I am not yelling or screaming at him. I am not hitting or choking him over being lied to for the thousandth time. I am not being lied to or having to hear about some crazy money making scheme or incoherent speech where he has conversations with himself and no one else.
For right now I am ok.
That's all I can ask for. That's all I can handle. After all: It's not personal. It's just what addicts do.

hello-kitty

Keep going to those meetings Pug. You will get stronger and stronger. You are going to be fine. I try to stay in the moment when I feel overwhelmed with Ifs and Buts and The Future.

Focus on what is right in front of you. And everything else will take care of itself. You always have us to talk to.