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beating my head against the wall....

Old 09-16-2009, 11:39 PM
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beating my head against the wall....

Hi all, I'm at a loss. Just when I think I have it all figured out, I find myself in a spot where I didn't want to be.

Yes I had detatched from the abf.

Yes--- you were all correct, he reigned me back in when he felt me slipping away, by pronouncing that he was going to kick his pill habit and needed my help.

Yes, I caved in and 'helped' him.

Yes he made it 5 whole days.

and finally yes, I knew it the second he went back.

Well, he's being smart enough to 'only' do it at work, when I'm not around, because he knows I know when his pupils are constricted.

However, he does not realize that 'people' he associates with tell me his 'up' moods... and I can hear it on the phone.

Well, just when I thought I was detatched, this whole, "im gonna get clean" deal, wrapped me right back to where I was.

I don't know what to do.

A little honesty.... I had a severe codie moment, but I just had to know.

I waited for him to start snoreing tonight, took the keys to his car, and got his briefcase out of the trunk... snuck it back inside and went through it.

That is where I found his 'new' empty bottle of pills............
(they obviously wern't there when he cleaned out his briefcase last week to 'get clean'.)

I asked myself, (when heading out the door on my detective mission at 1 a.m. what I wanted to find this information out for).

Peace of mind that I'm correct was really the reason.

Now I just don't know what to do with that info.

I'm just beside myself.

Do I confront him? No --- what good would that do?

Do I just take what I know now, and make a plan to move forward without him in my life.... (get my ducks in row, so to speak?)

I find it so hard to shut my mouth, when filled with this kind of hurt/anger/dissapointment.

I feel like I have been played, and I allowed it.

(however, i still vacillate between feeling played vs. believing in someone till they prove you wrong.)

I'm mostly sad for myself.

I'm sad that I believed for this long, and somehow, I thought he could do it. When he speaks, I hear sincerity.... I deep down, just wanted it all to work. It was easier, when I was in give up mode.... I felt myself just not careing anymore---- yet somehow, someway, his 'words' that he wanted things to be better roped me right back to where I started.

I feel Isolated and ashamed of myself.

I'm so devestated.

I don't really know what I'm asking here....... I just needed to talk to people who can help/or simply understand.

Love,
Cessy
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Old 09-17-2009, 12:06 AM
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Originally Posted by cessy68 View Post
Now I just don't know what to do with that info.

I'm just beside myself.

Do I confront him? No --- what good would that do?

Do I just take what I know now, and make a plan to move forward without him in my life.... (get my ducks in row, so to speak?)

I feel like I have been played, and I allowed it.I'm mostly sad for myself.

I'm sad that I believed for this long, and somehow, I thought he could do it. When he speaks, I hear sincerity.... I deep down, just wanted it all to work. It was easier, when I was in give up mode.... I felt myself just not careing anymore---- yet somehow, someway, his 'words' that he wanted things to be better roped me right back to where I started.

I feel Isolated and ashamed of myself.

I'm so devestated.

I don't really know what I'm asking here....... I just needed to talk to people who can help/or simply understand.

Love,
Cessy
i do understand, and i also think you have nothing to be ashamed of so don't beat yourself up for trying again. you want it to work out, you want to believe in him, and that is understandable.

what do you do with the info? i vote for 'GETTING YOUR DUCKS IN ORDER AND MOVING ON. start over.
so you slipped a little, dust off, pick yourself up and move forward. i can't count the many times i allow my ah to suck me in but i guess i've learned that if i don't listen to his junk, i won't fall for his junk. i had to go no contact until i was able to talk to him without imediately falling for whatever he had to say.

in my opinion, he may have meant to follow through but its his addiction and his choices that is keeping him stuck. i hope this make some kind of sense.
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Old 09-17-2009, 12:13 AM
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(((Cessy)))

I'm so sorry, sweetie. I remember telling my now XABF "I don't want to be with anyone I can't trust" and he said "well, you'd better find someone else" (he was high) and I STILL stayed with him!!

The only thing I can suggest is get him out and go no contact since it's his words taht reel you in. If it makes you feel better, I've been away from my XABF for about 2 years and I'm still afraid that in a certain frame of mind, I might slip and fall for his words.

I'm sorry you're hurting and I know how bad it feels to be mad at yourself for getting into this situation again, hurt that he went back the pills, and mad that he did it. Your head and heart feel like every emotion is spinning around.

Take some deep breaths and calm down. You know if you confront him, he will mostly lie, so I would just skip that part.

Go back to what Cessy wants and do what you need to do to get there.

Sending you lots of love, hugs:ghug3 and prayers, sweetie. Been there, done that, and it just gets worse and worse if you let it.

Amy
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Old 09-17-2009, 12:14 AM
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Oh Cessy... I'm sorry. Is your heart in your throat? I know mine would go there during a moment like you are having tonight.

You don't have to make any decision tonight.... that is the good thing.

To buy yourself some time - don't set him up ... meaning don't ask him any questions that are going to put him in a position to lie - cause that is going to just pi$$ you off. You want to stay calm... so you can keep your head about you.

Keep breathing.... inhale .. exhale.... inhale... exhale.

If you start to get upset or angry with yourself or anything negative about yourself ... I have a trick to help you get yourself out of it right away. It was taught to me and it helps.

Grab your boobs... and say... some thing empowering about yourself. It could be... I'm a Woman! or I'm a B!tch or I'm STRONG or I can do this... whatever it is that will make you shake your head up and down and will instantly put your shoulders back with head up high!

It's a cyclops a fog.... and if you are ready to break through to the other side... you just have to do it. It's like ripping a band aid off..... but you'll only do it when you are ready.

We all know what the remedy is to help our loved ones and not enable..... it's to detach. Step through to that other side... and visualize yourself putting on your protective gear. This will keep you safe while you are still living with the addiction.

make sense?
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Old 09-17-2009, 01:02 AM
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Cessy,
I have been exactly where you are. Frankly, I have been there many times. Right now I am fighting with myself because I am not there right now, I am in a no contact zone right now. Not by my choice, he left and so I am uncomfortable, because the game has changed somewhat and I think I want to be where you are at, because at least I know how to play THAT part of the game.
Do not blame yourself. Addicts say what we want to hear. And no doubt when he said those magic words of wanting to get clean, he really meant it at that moment. I really believe most addicts really don't enjoy being sick, but to admit that would mean they would have to do something about it.
Don't make any drastic decisions. So many times we act out of anger and that can really backfire on us. Like the others wrote, just breathe right now. Is there anything you can say that you haven't said or do that you haven't done that will make him quit? No. He will not quit until he is ready. BUT there is hope for you. Go to Alanon or Nar-Anon. It is not a gripe fest, it is a place where people just like us are there to open their arms and to show you you are not alone, that there is hope.
It sounds like you really love this man. You can learn a way to have peace in your life and have him too if that is what you want. Even if he doesn't seek help for himself. But this is for you to decide when the time is right for YOU to decide.
Please, go to Alanon or Naranon. Read some of their literture. I have been in your shoes, I know the desperation to believe what they say. We want so badly to believe! We want things to be good, we want them and us to be happy and well. So don't feel bad about believing what he said. I have read quite a few postings tonight and this is what I have taken away:
It's not personal. He's not doing it to get back at you for anything. IT'S JUST WHAT ADDICTS DO. It's just what addicts do. After a day spent in severe anxiety and crying, this one statement has brought me more serenity tonight than I have had for a couple of days. My AAH has disappeared, done a large cash advance on the credit card, and I haven't spoken to him in four days nor seen him in a week. I was feeling pretty low today, feeling pretty unloved and used and miserable. But then I read, "That's what addicts do" and it finally sunk in. It doesn't have anything to do with me. That's just what addicts do, but tomorrow is a new day. I can choose to try and be happy or I can spend another day in bed crying. I don't know yet, but I hope it will be a choice to be happy.
Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to reach out to you. Because in helping you we help ourselves. Keep your head up dear, get your self to an Alanon meeting and please keep in mind that you are not alone. We are all here for you. You are loved.
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Old 09-17-2009, 05:36 AM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
How many more addiction related peaks and valleys do you have left in you before you just give up and succumb to living the life of an addict without ever touching the drug?
That really reached out and grabbed me. Even after I got clean/sober, I spent 13 more miserable years engaging in active codependent behaviors that brought me a great deal of pain.

I've seen women who finally 'succumb', and they are bitter, old, and tired beyond their years. There just is no fight left for a better life for themselves.

I thank God that I did hit a bottom, and fought like hell to climb back out of the pit and start my recovery from codependency.

I will no longer be held hostage by someone else's addictions.
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Old 09-17-2009, 06:03 AM
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Do I just take what I know now, and make a plan to move forward without him in my life.... (get my ducks in row, so to speak?)
Yes, this is what you do.
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Old 09-17-2009, 06:31 AM
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"yet somehow, someway, his 'words' that he wanted things to be better roped me right back to where I started.

I feel Isolated and ashamed of myself."

Cessy,
For me, the longer I stayed with an addict the worse this got. We get sucked into their promises because we want SO much to believe them, hoping that THIS the time that they REALLY mean them. We lose ourselves in this possibly neverending cycle.

The longer we expose ourselves to these situations the worse we feel about ourselves and the harder it becomes to get out. I know you care about him and want him to get better, but in my experience this caring needs to take place from a distance.

The time has come to look after Cessy; so girl "grab you boobs" and get to it!
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Old 09-17-2009, 07:53 AM
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I've always been a firm believer that one person should not be able to have such great power over another person's life, to determine their happiness. In fact, I recall talking about this to someone I care about when they were in a relationship with an addict and kept getting hurt over and over again. At the time I had no clue that my own bf would become an addict as well.

As strongly as I feel about this, for some reason I still let my abf have so much power over my life. I thought I'd share this with you, because this is one of those cases where I just can't take my own good advise. There are billions of people in this world. He is just one tiny little person in this great big world.

Sometimes I just stop and think to myself... BILLIONS of people out there... and this ONE human being controls my happiness and well-being??? WTF

There is a reason we keep hanging on and can't let go. I am searching for this reason within myself every day in hopes that I can figure out what the heck is wrong with me that I allow him this power. Why I'm frozen in my tracks. There is a reason inside of you that you are staying. I don't know if you are seeing a counselor or anything Cessy, but I find it really helpful to have someone to be accountable to other than myself. It makes me be more honest with myself about what my intentions are. I hope that you are spending some time thinking about you and performing some internal inspections. It's not all about them... it's really mostly about us and why WE do what WE do. We KNOW why THEY do what THEY do... they are addicts.

Take care of yourself!
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