OldDadBack

Hi all, haven't posted too much on here before, but I am just needing somewhere to share whats been going on. I finally got to have one whole weekend to myself as a bridesmaid in a good friends wedding while my AH is in rehab. The weekend was going well and I was so happy to not have to think about where he was and what he was doing.
Then, he texted me that he was going to take a cab home from rehab and stay the night there because he was "fed up" with the rules and all the bullcrap. I am sitting at the head table, listening to speeches and in full panic mode to get to the phone....I managed to talk him down and get him to stay at rehab but I was SO damn angry afterwards. This was supposed to be the one time in ages that I got to have fun and be with my friends. Then he pulls the woe is me crap...this is the first time he has been to rehab, and everything is very new.
Is it wrong of me to feel so resentful? I love him so very much and am trying to work my own recovery. But, I just wanted one night....

Pelican

Did he know this weekend was important to you? If so, you were played by the addict. He used his text message to bring you to the front and center of his drama.

Are you angry at him for hooking you or are you angry at yourself for being hooked?

What would have happened if you ignored the text? What would have happened if you said have a nice night at home alone and I hope the cab will take you back in the morning?

He is an adult. He can take care of himself. He is fed up with the rules and bull crap? Sounds like a temper tantrum. It was his behavior that caused him to need rehabilitation. It is his behavior that needs to change.

I'm sorry your evening ended with anger and resentment. You do deserve better. I hope you will continue to work on your recovery, vent when needed, and reach out for support.

CatsPajamas

His rehab is his business, his project, his responsibility. When his sobriety becomes a top priority, he will do whatever it takes to make that happen.

I hope you're able to rest, relax and have some time to yourself. Your peace of mind can be your own top priority.

Hugs

Barbara52

It takes two to play that game. This time you decided to be a willing participant. Next time, you can choose not be. The choice of your behavior and your actions is up to you.

ItsmeAlice

When I started working through recovery and was living with my XABF, I was trying do the whole "focus on me" thing and had sketchy success with it for a while.

I set a rule for myself that I could consider making a meal for both of us in the evening after I finished with work (he did not cook at all) IF he showed up at home by a certain time. When that time came and went I would plan a great meal for me that included all the things he hated but I enjoyed. This was supposed to be my lesson in moving on without him and not getting sucked in to calling or driving around to find him, worrying and pacing the floor, cooking a meal then angrily throwing it away when he didn't show etc.

I would realize half way through chopping a great salad that my mental focus was still on him! I would be looking out the window, not to watch the horses roam the paddock or the barn cats chasing butterflies, but watching the driveway for sign of his truck. UGH!

It took me months of practice, stopping and correcting myself, fighting the urge over and over again, and getting really damn mad at myself before I truly put my habit aside and left him out there on his own. No watching, no worrying, no wondering internally what might happen when he got home. I had to stop the physical habits as well as the mental ones.

It started with the evening meal, then crept into spending my weekends doing things I liked to do without consulting him or even mentioning where I was off to. (It's not like he ever told me where he was going, I was just to figure it out, right?)

Be patient with yourself. Your agitation is understandable and can be put to good use. Get angry with yourself when you don't devote, really devote, your ME-time to yourself. He was in rehab. He was in good hands. Whatever he was going to do to ruin that was his problem. You were supposed to be present in that moment at that wedding for you and you gave that up to read his text and get involved in his drama. Next time, leave the phone in someone ele's care (If it's a real emergency apart from AH, they can let you know) or leave it turned off alltogether.

Best to you,

Alice

LaTeeDa

Uh oh. I sounds like you are WAY more invested in his recovery than he is. Did he go to rehab on his own, because he wanted to? Or was it forced by you or outside circumstances? It's not a good sign that you have to talk him into staying at rehab....

One way to work on your own recovery is to put his responsibilities back on him, where they belong. It's not your job to 'make sure' he does the right thing.

Are you seeing a counselor? Attending Alanon? Do you have a plan B in case he quits rehab, or rehab fails? What if he manages to quit drinking, but the alcoholic behavior remains? How will you take care of you if this rehab doesn't solve all your problems?

I used to think that if my H would just quit drinking, all my problems would be solved. Boy, was I wrong.....

L

mermaidgirl

ODB-you are definitely invested in his recovery...and simply put-you can't be. You can only invest in yourself...but still care in a healthy way. You CAN do it.