suchAsucker

I had a realization today... today the movers brought my boxes into my new apartment and I began unpacking them.. Unpacking the sad memories of us together and the happy momories of us together... All by myself. As I've commented several months ago, "if he's using ME for MONEY then I'll use him for company".

I realized today that in many ways I felt like his drug addiction was a perfect "relationship" for my sick-o self. I knew he was addicted to crack, but in addition (addiction) to believing/hoping that he would "change", I also liked being his "life-line" (i.e., flophouse and proprietary dependancy). It is a power-seeking behavior to put oneslef in a position to say yes/no to money/behavior that I KNEW was in the hunt for drugs and held his true needs under my hand. For example, by giving him money or pretending/ignoring his excuses (or pawning items) to leave the apartment in order to get high, he gave up his posture to my whim to acquiesce. Was he "pimping" himself to me to get high? Yes. Was I pimping myself because I wanted to be needed SO BADLY? Yes. I liked being the Higher Power/HP in the relationship.

But, ultimately, I loved him enough to finally let him go. It was very painful to open up boxes-n-boxes of memories today, knowing that he's not here. But I also think that it was painful for me to not be in-control of his decisions.

Upon advice from good friends in AlAnon, I have stoppped trying to seek him out, hunt him down, or look for 2nd-hand stories of where he is thousands of miles away. It does kill me, but I'm beginning to find Serenity in not helping/hunting him.

I do love him. Enough to acknowledge that I am not God. There is a Higher Power at work here. A HP that is working with the best intentions and intent. And, that I have to let him go in order for him to walk his path without me in-control.

I still worry about him, in Love. But I also realize that we found each other with mal-intent, to feed each others' "more primary" needs. I wish he would call and tell me that he's OKAY. But also realize that NOT KNOWING is actually helping me separate myself from his sickness (crack addiction) and my addiction (Co-Dependency) that are killing us both...

Regardless, I haveta share, the photo of us at Medieval Times in Myrtle Beach, SC last April just killed me today. Then, he was outta prison and working out and healthy, and I had lost 18 pounds in anticipation of his release. We walked on the beach and looked/felt great inside and outside. And it was a boxed-memory that made me remember the hope and future that we had envisioned before us. But today, there's no more future, no more hope, just memories in a box of a moment in time that doesn't exist anymore... And I am sad about that.

Thank you for reading. No response necessary, but appreciated.

breakingfree88

You have such amazing insight!! Thank you! You write beautifully and the left paragraph you wrote was especially powerful. I can totally relate (more than I ever wished). I got "off" on being the stable, responsible HP in my relationship.

teke

i think your writing is beautiful too. sounds like you're gonna be just fine.

ElegantlyWasted

Nice Post. Parallels some of my insights concerning past relationships. And may even apply to a certain current one.

outtolunch

Thanks for sharing that.

Your screen name is beneath you. Could you consider changing it to something that better describes the real you.

ThirteenYears

I love love stories because they make me feel so good in the beginning yet so sad in the ending.


And yes, please, change that dreadful name!!

tjp613

Nice post...thank you. Most of all CONGRATULATIONS on your new home and new beginning!

greeteachday

Very powerful and honest post. One of the things I love aout recovery is how it has helped me to clearly see my part in the various dances and to have the courage to face it and work on change.

If you do want to change your screen name, send me a pm letting me know your choice and I'll check with MG.

rose

Thank you so much for sharing, your post was so honest and down to earth. You have not done anything that many of us her have not done when we are in a relationship with an addict. I think alot of what we do is survival, hanging on no matter what it takes, so hopefull that one magical day will come where they just stop.

I just posted on someone elses thread....how I did somethings that I am not to proud of myself for. Today I have to forgive myself and let it go. I do know that inside it was all ment with the intensions of saving the better times and trying to have more. It gets darn challenging trying to save and protect our loved one in addiction. We all know of that wonderful person inside and it can make us loose ourselves trying to get them back.

The best thing we can do for ourselves is reach out for help and guidence and accept it. I as well joined al-anon, my husband/was, had/has an addiction to crack as well. I want nothing to do with going to any al-anon group...why I don't know. I was such a mess at work and a co-worker told me about a al-anon meeting that was that night, I tossed with it and off I went. The minute I walked in that door, I was welcomed. As time went on and I attended more meetings, it got a bit tough on me, I wanted nothing to do with taking any blame of my actions. This was a biggy for me...I did nothing wrong. I was so dead set in this thinking that I was really considering not going back. Well I did and I am so glad I did, I opened up to my wrong doings and accept that I had done some wrong doings, but not without a battle in my mind.

You are sharing Love and Acceptance, you are showing a healthy, down to earth person!

Thanks for this post!

Rose

SHELLY1

I am so glad you posted this , I have been reading this forum for 6 years and thought I knew or had a good idea as to why I have been living in this mess for so long, then you post this and it hits me smack in the forehead [ right where I thought sucker was written lol} what you realized is alot of my issue , which kind of disgusts me . I never thought of it like this I always thought this was my way of retaing/regaining my independence but no it is my own selfishness of having to be needed which now that I think about it has been going on through my whole marriage not just his last 6 years of addiction. You have given me alot to think about and to work on , thank you so much. I truely understand why you picked the name you did I have felt the same

suchAsucker

Thank you all so much for the positive feedback... Upon reflection, I realized that "last April" was April 2008. Seems just like yesterday, but really it was 15-16 months ago... Thanks again so much..

I think I'm going to keep my userID, "suchAsucker"... It's been a lot of hard work, and it helps me remember how far I've come..

outtolunch

I hope it's OK with you, that I prefer to think of you as
" SUCH AN INSPIRATION".

SHELLY1

I like that name better also