cessy68

Hi guys. I posted on the substance abusers site for info.... and somehow (eh hm) -- freedom, made me realize this might be better suited here.

So, yep still with the abf. Yep, detatched-- completly-- and was doing fine, 'ignoring his issue'.

THEN-- abf comes to me and wants to 'get clean'. Wants to do this at home, 'cold turkey'.

BEGS me for help. Tells me he's giving me his keys/ credit cards/ money/ everything he's got, so he can't leave the house -- and/or buy anymore pills.
Tells me he's doing this for himself, (and us) and that he needs my support.

We are on hour 24 and counting.

He's snoring loudly next to me in bed--- after taking an hour bath in epsom salt to aliveate pain.

I'm sad. I'm pissed. I'm exhasperated.

I asked for 'cold turkey' tips on the other site-- and I was told I was rescuing him again.

I kinda see the point (god love ya' freedom).... but at the same time-- if he came to this ON HIS OWN.... and is simply asking for SUPPORT-- and I am still here with him, in this relationship-- isn't that what I should do??

I'm confused.

Furthermore--- I'm pissed-- (and trying not to let him see/ feel it). I'm vascillating between wanting to 'hold him' and 'support him' and tell him I BELIEVE IN HIM--- and wanting to run out of the house and get a hot coffee, and talk to a girlfriend on the phone--- so I don't have to watch him go through this.

THIS BLOWS.

ANY advice???????????

Gentle please, i'm exhasperated.

Love,
Cess

outtolunch

My daughter went CT off a heroin run, more than a year ago. Not my job to play nurse to addiction, so I conveniently found things to do, away from the house. She had months of rehab under her belt, prior to this. She had the tools and it was up to her to use them, or not.

Your guy has nothing going for him. Why is he not in a detox facility? They would likely give him something to help him be more comfortable. He needs to acquire the tools of recovery. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

Just curious, where are the boys?

cessy68

Thanx cynone.....

are you being funny or simply making fun of me?

To answer your question-- he refuses medical treatment.......... I did beg him to do so. * I suppose that it dosen't help that his brother was useing crack and managed to quit cold turkey*--- 4 yrs sober.

perhaps he thinks his family has powers that others don't. I dont know.

cessy68

Good memory outto........ boys go everyother weekend thur-mon a.m. with dad.... thats why he did it now. Plus, the older one just got over the flu....looks to them and everyone else like thats what he has if they saw him.

I am working much of the weekend......

wondered if during other times it would be selfish for me not to be here.....

like 2nite I wanted to go sing karaoke... and felt like I wasn't being supportive.

??

cessy68

[QUOTE=anvilhead;2361396]let him be.......let him do this, if he is going to......don't try to intervene or make this easy for him.....it shouldn't be, it should suck, getting off drugs you shouldn't have been doing in the first place should be hard, and painful and all consuming. if recovery was EASY, everybody would be doing it......the easier/softer way is to keep doing drugs/alcohol....

QUOTE]

I understand anvil......

If you were in my shoes and hank asked you for help... would you?

I'm not being sarcastic, just trying to grasp this.

This really sucks for me, I thought I was detatching enough to end our relationship... (basically giving up hope for recovery for him,and shareing a life with an addict isn't on my "to do" list.)

Then he springs this on me out of the blue........................ saying I'm frustrated and bewildered, and exhasperated is an understatement.

Love,
Cess

outtolunch

He's imposing his withdrawal on you. That sounds rather selfish to me. He has financial resources to take it out of the house and put it in the hands of professionals.

His CT, does not depend on you. If he bolts, that's his choice.

No reason for you to feel responsible for his choices.

cessy68

Amen to that..........

Funny, I used to 'feel' that If I were supportive and he got 'clean' that I'd be a 'good person', like I'd recieve a gold medal.

NOW.... 2yrs later, I feel If he gets 'clean', that I was dragged along with him, and it leaves me negative/resentful....

Very hard to love someone-- and yet, have had enough. I do feel very imposed upon....

Impurrfect

((Cessy)))

Cynical is right...crack is a MENTAL withdrawal. Physically, it's out of your system in no time, so there is no comparison to him and his brother or their addictions.

I agree with the rest. Do as little as possible and let him suffer. This is one of those things that family really can't help with. If you feel you must, stock up the fridge with gatorade or powerade.

Personally, I'd try to stay away from the house as much as possible. He got himself INTO this and he CAN get himself out. If you baby him through this, he's going to think "oh, that's not so bad" and probably not think twice about going back to the pills, thinking he can do this detox thing (with you, of course) all over again.

Big hugs and prayers, sweetie!!

Amy

cessy68

YOU ARE READING MY MIND!!! those are exactly the things I am concerned about as well.

and by the way, it was more a conversation when I was writing to you and outto, then anvil's post was a bit after......

so -- just to clear the air LOVE YOU CYNONE, OUTTO, IMPURR, AND THE REST OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:ghug2

cessy68

i PROMISE Amy, and all of you this---- this is the end of my road with him. My last time. He fails himself again, He's out. MY boundries have been set. If this dosen't work for him, he can leave, and check himself into rehab or find someone elses life to destroy.

thanks for the hugs amy........ I needed it!

itisatruth

Hi Cess, usually helping is supposed to be a good thing....at least the way I was raised, so I get the wanting to help. You want him to get clean, he says he wants to get clean, he needs your help, asks for it, seems as if he is serious this time.....why wouldn't someone want to help? Guess my answer to that question is, if he really, truly is ready, he should be feeling low enough, bad enough, miserable enough to do it on his own (preferably with medical help). There's a reason there are detox facilities....this is a really hard thing to do for the one withdrawing AND for anyone around them.

It doesn't seem fair for you to take on this responsibility and I hope no matter what you do, you don't put up with any BS that you don't want to, you take extra good care of yourself, and you get out of the house often for some time away. You can make it through this, whatever you choose, and I hope you are feeling less exasperated soon.....keep moving forward, keep taking those steps towards figuring out what it is you need and want in life.

Also, when you get to be in control of the money, the keys, etc, you get way too close to one of the three C's. His being clean should be "on him" - his responsibility, his thing to "own". It's better for both of you, IMO, and for the relationship in the long run if you stay together.

Agree with anvil but did want to mention this - unfortunately it doesn't always work that way. It still blows my mind that my H went through withdrawals from Methadone, Vicodin, and/or Xanax, not once, not twice, but several times. You'd think that after suffering through it (for months) he would have learned....nope. After the first time "helping", which was pretty much a month of h*ll coming off Methadone at home, I never want to do that again.

Just wouldn't want Cessie (or anyone else) to think/hope that one time through withdrawals is enough for everyone to be done with doing drugs.

cessy68

I agree, a part of me was really torn on this one, (one hand thought "hey he's friggin serious for a change and not just blowing smoke up my***")

then the other hand felt, "hey buddy, you're a big boy, if you reeealllly want off of this, then don't get in your car. I'm not your mommy, or your babysitter, or your physician/detox agent.... you're friggin amazeing for laying this on ME!"

and then I figured.......... he dosen't even know he's laying it on me.... he's screwed up.

whoooa.

Ann

There was a time where I too, agreed to be banker, nurse, counselor, warden, mother....and all that did was give him someone to blame when it didn't work and take away any time or energy I might have to focus on ME.

"We" are not the solution. "We" are not their only option to get clean. All "We" are is a soft place to fall without them doing any of the work required to get and stay clean. There are so many good options out there, like detox and rehab, that address the underlying issues as well as the substance withdrawal.

If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.

Keeping you both in my prayers.

Hugs

Callie

Cess -

BTDT so many times it's pathetic. Initially I had no clue (years ago) that he was trying to detox. I thought it was the flu. Time and time again he was sick every few weeks. I never understood why nobody else in the household caught it!

If it were me, I'd bring the chicken noodle soup or fluids or toast or whatever. But in the end it was as if I would open the door, throw him what he needed and close the door. I felt no sympathy for him in the end. It can't be that bad, he chose to go through it again and again and again. Even when he did have clean time under his belt he went back and used again, which meant another detox.

I agree with the others, he's doing this because he feels you slipping away. No matter what his reasons though, I hope he can do it. I know how hard it is to be done, finally done - only to be sucked back in again. For me, the anger, resentment got so bad that it was best for BOTH of us if I just left him alone through his detox.

gotahavfaith

Cessy

Just wanted to send u some hugs. The hardest part for me is having a front row seat to all the crap. Watching them use, watching them detox. Trying to help(?). And ending back up in the same place that we started.

I agree with Ann. "WE" are not the solution. Personally I don't want to be anymore.

Gotahavfaith

teke

i agree with the others. for me, withdrawals from crack consisted of strong cravings and maybe depression, not physical. like the others, i think because he see you slipping away, his proposal is designed to tighten his reign on you. imo, if he really has had enough, he'd be willing to do whatever it took and that means he probably wont be so willing to put any more stress and strain on his loved one.

i tried being my ah's monitor, you know, keeping money, keys,etc, but with my ah, it never worked. when his cravings got strong enough, i felt my very life was on the line trying to hold on to his money and keys, etc, so i would have to give it up. when an addict gets ready to use, who ever is standing in their way, might as well move cause they will find away.

i realized that holding his things did nothing as for allowing him to be responsible for his own actions. i pray that he does well and i also pray that you are able to stay strong and stand your grounds in all of this. take care of you, and let him do the same. imo, if its hard enough for him to get sober, he might not be so quick to start using again. bail him out once, you'll bale him out again and again. just my opinion.

DreamAngel

When my abf was home detoxing and needed my support I went to the store spend 170$ on vitamins. He had to take 8 of them 2 times a day. He took pills from restless legs and at the end he choose to go back and do drugs.
He needs to do it alone. By supporting him with your care it does not really work. At least it didn't work in my case.
If i were you and he needed a place to stay I would let him stay but i would not help him detox.
He needs to remember that he only has to do it once and for all!

Yes holding their things does not help.... they can always pawn something when they need to go do their thing........
IMHO don't take the things away because eventually you will have to give it back one day? and then what? wonder what's he is going to do next?

Abundance

Cessy..... I wish that the replies you were getting were from people who did look after their loved one during this "last time detox".... and it remained a last time. The reality is what people redundantly say - he has to do it on his own.... *THAT* is what worked.

The last time my x detoxed (although, there were a couple months later of pill abuse and then the bout of heroin use before the subutex) was about a year ago.... and aside from filling up cups of water and driving him to an NA meeting..... I was keeping myself busy. I also was getting ready to leave him here at home on his own while I went on vacation. *but I did set up a friend to come in and stay with him while I was gone. He didn't want it, but I couldn't leave knowing that he was on his own going through it. Also, it gave him accountability.

I also was coming on SR and the SA forum and asking questions.... but he didn't know that. It's such a trickery, isn't it? I was damned if i did anything and damned if I didn't. (despite the tools I already learned - I just wasn't willing or able to put them into practice right then).

From my past experience, one of the major regrets I have is that I didn't follow thru on my threats. The threats were too large for me to stick to! They sounded perfectly reasonable at the time, as well as, to many people actually - I just was not able to stick with it. Geeezus it sucked so badly that me giving him love and forgiveness and second chances (more like a hundred chances) ..... that it was actually hurting him and myself MORE than it was helping.

Once you are ready to accept for yourself that you will no longer hear the words and only see the action.... is when he will know his track to be on, if you will.

He IS showing you by action right now that he is wanting to be clean... by detoxing. BUT what happens should he relapse. What then? Make it small - if need be. In fact, it's best to start that way because you will then follow thru.


Leave him to his own with this detox and live your life like he is not apart of it and don't allow him back into your emotional space until he EARNS IT!

outtolunch

There is no "we" as it relates to getting and staying sober, is there?

I too sense the potential for manipulation/rationalization....if he fails, it's Cessy's fault. She did not do enough to help/support me, me, me. And oh how this plays with the co-dependent who so often needs to believe I was able to influence the outcome. If he fails, that means I did not do well. And around we go.

Staying positive for the moment, let's assume he manages to detox CT. Then what? The hard work has just begun. He craves it. His buddies are into it. He knows where to get it. He has the money to do it.

And all he needs is an excuse. Hello Cessy, you bad girl. That's right....you caused him to relapse cause we know he has no free will, eh?

Chino

cessy, I knew my daughter had traffic court (again) yesterday and a doctor's appt for her Hep C today. Her license is suspended so she needs help with transportation and we're rural, meaning no public transportation.

I still planned a quick trip out of town and won't be back until tomorrow afternoon. I took her to court and stayed with her as long as I could because it was convenient for me, then her brother picked her up and gave her a ride home because it was convenient for him. I suggested she talk with her dad about transportation to the doctor's office. While we were in court the doctor's office called and rescheduled her appt because of a family emergency. Problem solved.

If I had canceled my trip, I would have been full of resentment given the rescheduled appt. I played the tape through and knew I was better off seeing to my own needs, than trying to manage others. That was my first motivation. My second one was breaking some of the codie cords between her, my husband, and myself.

My husband still expects that I'll take care of everything and she just hopes for that. She didn't complain one bit but he did. I knew I had to leave because it forced him to face shouldering some of the support he insists we give, but in reality always falls at my feet.

If I had stayed home nothing would have changed and once again, they are all surviving just fine without me. If I have to keep taking these mini vacations every couple of weeks, well, so be it and I'm not complaining

Live your life cessy. It's the only one you have