The path to acceptance
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
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The path to acceptance
I have been thinking lately about how I've gotten where I am in recovery and where I still want to go. I started rereading (again) Codependent No more. Each time I read it, I find someting that didn't sink in the last few times. Last night I was reading the chapter Learn the Art of Acceptance. I think acceptance is a difficult concept for many (including me early on and now in new ways. I think Beattie's explanation of the five stages to acceptance is very good and continues to help me see things more clearly. Here are a few excerpts that have helped me.
From Codependent No More:
We accept things through a five-step process......people go through these stages whenever they face any loss.
1. Denial
The first stage is denial. This is a stage of shock, numbness, panic, and general refusal to accept or acknowledge reality. We do everything and anything to put things back in place or pretend the situation isn't happening. There is much anxiety and fear in this stage......
I am convinced we do most of our codependent behaviors in this stage -- obsessing, controlling repressing feelings. I also believe many of our feelings of "craziness" are connected to this state. We feel crazy because we are lying to ourselves. We feel crazy because we are believing other people's lies. ... The deep instinctive part of us knows the truth, but we are pushing that part away and telling it, "You're wrong. Shut up." ....
We are not denying whatever we are denying because we are stupid, stubborn, or deficient. We are not even consciously lying to ourselves. "Denial isn't lying," explained Noel Larsen, a licensed consulting psychologist. "It's not letting yourself know what reality is."
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.
.
2. Anger
When we have quit denying our loss, we move into the next stage: Anger. Our anger may be reasonable or unreasonable. We may be justified in venting our wrath, or we may irrationally vent our fury on anything and anyone. We may blame ourselves, God, and everyone around us for what we have lsot. Depending on the nature of our loss, we may be a little peeved, somewhat angry, downright furious, or caught in the grips of a soul-shaking rage.
This is why setting someone straight, showing someone the light, or confronting a serious problem often does not turn out the way we expect. If we are denying a situation, we won't move directly into acceptance of reality -- we'll move into anger. That is also why we need to be careful about major confrontations.
.
.
.
3. Bargaining
After we calm down, we attempt to strike a bargain with life, ourselves, another person, or God. If we do such and such or if someone else does this or that, then we won't have to suffer the loss. We are not attempting to postpone the inevitable; we are attempting to prevent it.
.
.
.
4. Depression
When we see our bargain has not worked, when we finally become exhausted from our struggle to ward off reality, and when we decide to acknowledge what life has socked to us we become sad, sometimes terribly depressed. This is the essence of grief: mourning at its fullest. This is what we have been attempting at all costs to avoid. This is the time to cry, and it hurts. The stage of the process begins when we humbly surrender, say Esther Olson, a family counselor who works with the grief or, as she calls it, "forgiveness process." It will disappear when the process has been worked out and through.
5. Acceptance
This it is. After we have closed our eyes, kicked, screamed, negotiated, and finally felt the pain, we arrive at a state of acceptance.
"It is not a resigned and hopeless 'giving up,' a sense of 'what's the use?' or 'I just cannot fight it any longer,' though we hear such statements too," wrote Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. "They also indicate the beginning of the end of the struggle, but the latter are not indications of acceptance. Acceptance should not be mistaken for a happy stage. It is almost void of feelings. It is as if the pain had gone, the struggle is over..."
We are at peace with what is. We are free to stay; free to go; free to make whatever decisions we need to make. We are free! We have accepted our loss, however minor or significant. It has become an acceptable part of our circumstances. We are comfortable with it and our lives. We have adjusted and reorganized. Once more, we are comfortable with our present circumstances and ourselves.
Not only are we comfortable with our circumstances and the changes we have endured, but we believe we have in some way benefitted from our loss or change even if we cannot fully understand how or why. We have faith that all is well, and we have grown from our experience. We deeply believe our present circumstances -- every detail of them -- are exactly as they ought to be for the moment. In spite of our fears, feelings, struggles, and confusion, we understand everything is ok even if we lack insight. We accept what is. We settle down, We stop running, ducking, controlling, and hiding. And we know it is only from this point that we can go forward.
From Codependent No More:
We accept things through a five-step process......people go through these stages whenever they face any loss.
1. Denial
The first stage is denial. This is a stage of shock, numbness, panic, and general refusal to accept or acknowledge reality. We do everything and anything to put things back in place or pretend the situation isn't happening. There is much anxiety and fear in this stage......
I am convinced we do most of our codependent behaviors in this stage -- obsessing, controlling repressing feelings. I also believe many of our feelings of "craziness" are connected to this state. We feel crazy because we are lying to ourselves. We feel crazy because we are believing other people's lies. ... The deep instinctive part of us knows the truth, but we are pushing that part away and telling it, "You're wrong. Shut up." ....
We are not denying whatever we are denying because we are stupid, stubborn, or deficient. We are not even consciously lying to ourselves. "Denial isn't lying," explained Noel Larsen, a licensed consulting psychologist. "It's not letting yourself know what reality is."
.
.
.
2. Anger
When we have quit denying our loss, we move into the next stage: Anger. Our anger may be reasonable or unreasonable. We may be justified in venting our wrath, or we may irrationally vent our fury on anything and anyone. We may blame ourselves, God, and everyone around us for what we have lsot. Depending on the nature of our loss, we may be a little peeved, somewhat angry, downright furious, or caught in the grips of a soul-shaking rage.
This is why setting someone straight, showing someone the light, or confronting a serious problem often does not turn out the way we expect. If we are denying a situation, we won't move directly into acceptance of reality -- we'll move into anger. That is also why we need to be careful about major confrontations.
.
.
.
3. Bargaining
After we calm down, we attempt to strike a bargain with life, ourselves, another person, or God. If we do such and such or if someone else does this or that, then we won't have to suffer the loss. We are not attempting to postpone the inevitable; we are attempting to prevent it.
.
.
.
4. Depression
When we see our bargain has not worked, when we finally become exhausted from our struggle to ward off reality, and when we decide to acknowledge what life has socked to us we become sad, sometimes terribly depressed. This is the essence of grief: mourning at its fullest. This is what we have been attempting at all costs to avoid. This is the time to cry, and it hurts. The stage of the process begins when we humbly surrender, say Esther Olson, a family counselor who works with the grief or, as she calls it, "forgiveness process." It will disappear when the process has been worked out and through.
5. Acceptance
This it is. After we have closed our eyes, kicked, screamed, negotiated, and finally felt the pain, we arrive at a state of acceptance.
"It is not a resigned and hopeless 'giving up,' a sense of 'what's the use?' or 'I just cannot fight it any longer,' though we hear such statements too," wrote Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. "They also indicate the beginning of the end of the struggle, but the latter are not indications of acceptance. Acceptance should not be mistaken for a happy stage. It is almost void of feelings. It is as if the pain had gone, the struggle is over..."
We are at peace with what is. We are free to stay; free to go; free to make whatever decisions we need to make. We are free! We have accepted our loss, however minor or significant. It has become an acceptable part of our circumstances. We are comfortable with it and our lives. We have adjusted and reorganized. Once more, we are comfortable with our present circumstances and ourselves.
Not only are we comfortable with our circumstances and the changes we have endured, but we believe we have in some way benefitted from our loss or change even if we cannot fully understand how or why. We have faith that all is well, and we have grown from our experience. We deeply believe our present circumstances -- every detail of them -- are exactly as they ought to be for the moment. In spite of our fears, feelings, struggles, and confusion, we understand everything is ok even if we lack insight. We accept what is. We settle down, We stop running, ducking, controlling, and hiding. And we know it is only from this point that we can go forward.
Member
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Going thru this process for me was the result of working on steps 1, 2 and 3. Working those steps became my means of facing reality, giving up my ficticious control, and learning to truly, deeply trust in God.
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