Learn2Live

So many posts I've read today remind me of something very helpful and important I realized during this most recent relationship I had with an addict (drugs-crack, alcohol, gambling and apparently sex).

I was so afraid that this man, who I loved so much, cared so much about, and did so much for (don't we ALL say all these things?) would "cheat on me."
I was so worried about this that everytime he showed even the smallest indication that he was using, or was going to use, it was like I had been struck by lightning. I had the Fear of God in my heart. I would panic, everything would fall apart, I couldn't function, my heart would race, I'd become super-stressed out, couldn't go to work, sick to my stomach, etc,etc,etc.

What I realize now is that, even though I KNEW in my head that this person was bad for me, and even though I KNEW in my heart that I truly loved him and wanted to help him and be with him forever, MY FEAR was what had paralyzed me--for two years. Once he did actually have sex with another person, it was like a release.

I guess this is something I need to work on...

Learn2Live

Hi Anvilhead, Thanks so much for your post. I do, unfortunately, recognize the fight-or-flight response you define and describe in your post. I have been reading about fight-or-flight and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, because the doctor indicated I may have that. I've been practicing ways to handle it at work--Because it's really not good to fight your boss or run away from work in the middle of the day, LOL.

Lemme' ask you something, are you saying that just because you knew you were going to use, you had the fight-or-flight response? Like your body was preparing itself for the use, in response to your thoughts?

Did it feel emotional? That sounds like a weird question, doesn't it? What I mean by that is, I've been trying to strengthen the connection between my thoughts and my feelings. It's my understanding that when a person has ADHD, like me, the neurological connections between their primitive brain (instinct, feelings) and their "new" brain (thoughts, rationalization), are not "normal," or healthy. So, I've been trying to train my brain to connect the two. For instance, you may recall my recent request for words to describe what was occuring with the addicted person in my life and the widow and compare those words to my feelings.

From what you are saying, I see I may need to consider also the biological response in all this PTSD/ADHD stuff I'm working on. I wonder if I can reconnect whatever neurological what-evers to lessen the fight-or-flight response with the thoughts as they relate to biology. I have no idea what I just said or what I am talking about. Just thinking out loud in response to what you said. See how confused I make myself? LOL!

Learn2Live

Anvil, You are funny. And smart.

I am going to think about all you have said, probably for about a week, then go to the library and get as many books as I can related to what I think you are saying, and then immerse myself in them for a weekend :O)

That's my modus operandi.

Thanks again for your unique insight.

brundle

I like how you put the "rush". I remember those feelings. The funny thing is if your with that person after most of those things happen you just don't 'feel' anymore. In fact, I wish he would cheat. I would be like thank the lord now he's done it all. I have proof I can leave.

Well that's only part true. I feel saddness. But that's it. No fear. Nothing. Kind of strange. Maybe that's why I don't lock my doors! I'm looking for that axe murdering bear! LOL!