kitana

hello all.

my name here is kitana. i'm 28 years old and my mother is an alcoholic. she and my dad split up when i was about 11 and i lived with her alone for about 5 years after this, when she went to pieces and well, things weren't good. we aren't in touch that much these days, she lives in a different country and we speak on the phone maybe once a month, we get on fine because the problem has never been admitted or talked about. if i ever mentioned to my mum about her drinking, she would hang up and not talk to me for quite a long time, so it's all been brushed under the rug and we pretend those years never happened.

i have been trying to heal for a long time now, but always trying to heal the surface problems that occur, and when i get down to the real issue, my mum, i have always pushed it to one side to be dealt with later.

i've been with my partner for a year now. he is wonderful, kind, caring, trustworthy, not addicted to anything and has a lovely family. for ten years before i met him i have been in abusive relationships with addicts or womanisers, serial cheats and compulsive liars, and i have never spent any time alone between these relationships, always having another man to fall back on. i don't know how i have managed to manifest this relationship, it must be a sign of progress in my healing. the thing is, i am messing it up with my messed-up-ness!!!

my partner told me a lie, back in march, nothing huge, just something he rather i didn't know that he was embarrassed about but i totally over reacted, and since then, even though he has done nothing else to hurt me, i have become my "old self" again.

last night i spent some time online reading, and thought i would look into the problems caused by having an alcoholic parent. i was astounded at how accurately i was described in the things i read, and have ordered 2 books that will arrive tomorrow.

i look at myself today honestly. i am going to tell you this because i have never been so honest about it before and it needs to be said. i am controlling, unbelievably jealous and insecure, terrified of being left by my partner or that he will find someone better, prefer someone else to me. i cannot stand deceit of any kind and if i have any suspicion of lies i will interrogate him, even though deep down i know he would never cheat on me it's like i almost "want" to find something out and when i found out the lie in march he told me i was almost like "see i knew you were just like everyone else, i knew you were lying" and as betrayed as i felt i was sort of relieved, which i really don't understand. since then i haven't trusted him, even though i know he would never cheat on me it's just a fear i can't control, it's always there. i know my intolerance of lying is probably because my mum always lied to me about drinking and hid it, even when it was plainly obvious to everyone around her.

i start arguments, i act crazily sometimes like telling him to go and then making him come back again and again i hate myself when i do this, if he hangs up on me during an argument i call him back repeatedly and won't let it go.

i am terrified of meeting new people. i don't have many friends and i find it very difficult to make new ones. i am very shy and quiet, i never "let go" because i'm always afraid of making a fool of myself or worry what people will think, or that they won't like me. my partner has a large circle of friends and they all want to meet me, but i keep putting it off because i am so terrified and awkward in social situations, and this has offended him a little, and i can't admit to him the real reason i haven't, i just make excuses, i work nights at the weekend in a club so usually manage to avoid social gatherings but this sunday there is one i just can't avoid and i'm going to meet all these people and i'm terrified!!

i'm moody, up and down all the time, i'm lazy, i procrastinate, i'm disorganised and never follow through with my ideas, i get depressed, sometimes i avoid work because i'm too anxious to be around people.

so this is me at my worst. believe me, i am not like this all the time, i do keep control of it mostly and have come a long way from where i was, but really it's like i appear as normal to others as possible and all this stuff is under the surface. these days i have more peace and happiness than i ever used to, which i am grateful for. however, at times i feel i have made no progress.

the thing is, it's exhausting. i'm so tired of it. i'm so tired of being angry and fearful and having to be in control all the time. and i feel bad for my poor boyfriend, who half the time can't do anything right. i don't want to ruin this relationship. he wants to have children in a few years and even though i have always been totally against the idea, i am actually a little broody since i met him! which is great, but i am pretty scared of being a parent myself, and i really don't want to pass my issues on to my children.

i am sorry this post is so long, especially as its my first, i just feel so overwhelmed and needed to get it out, without sugar coating it, in the hope that somewhere like this i may be understood and not judged. i don't know if all these problems i have are caused by having an alcoholic parent, but from what i have been reading it certainly seems to have had an effect.

i just want to get better, i want to feel free, i want to be normal, whatever the hell that even is.

thank you so much for reading this. as much work as i have done on myself it all feels like preparation for tackling "the big issue" that i am facing up to now.

thank you and blessings. kitana.

Still Waters

Welcome to SR kitana Sounds to me like you've definitely got a good start on it!

I just wanted to say Hi! Others will be along to offer you much better welcomes and shares than I can (I'm not an ACOA).

takincareome

Hi Kitana, and welcome.

All of what you've said sounds familiar to ACOAs. We aren't all exactly alike but there are definitely some traits that we share, and you touched on many of them.

I'm so glad you're ready to tackle this issue. I think you'll find it leads to more serenity and peace on your part. It's hard work, but it's worth it.

The books are a good start and a way to keep your feet wet. There is also al-anon. Some people swear by it and others are reticent about it. I'm currently attending meetings but I'm not entirely sure it's for me. Still, I'd encourage you to at least give it a try. It's nice to be in a room full of people who understand completely what friends and relatives of alcoholics go through.

You'll also find help here. I'm new here too but I really like what I've seen so far. I think there are great people here and it's really supportive and positive. So I'm here (and we're here) if you need us. Sounds like you are doing all the right things. Remember, too, that it's important to take care of yourself and your needs as well. If you're like many ACOAs (like me), you haven't the slightest how to do that, but it's a good time to think about what that might mean.

In the meantime, sending you big hugs and lots of love. Welcome, friend!

Iwanttoheal

Hi Kitana

Welcome to SR.

It takes a lot of courage to look at yourself warts and all, I think you are incredibly brave.

I am also an ACOA and a co-dependent. I am just beginning to scratch the surface of what that means. In the beginning I thought my issues were due to my AF, my codie mother and my alcoholic brother (I have just recently realised that that label applies to him, as in last night). I have only recently (as in the last week) begun to look at my role in all this messed-up craziness and to explore co-dependency.

I am giving you a standing round of applause for dealing with your issues before bringing children into the mix. My own children are 17 and 14 and although they haven't been brought up in an alcoholic home; they have seen me acting out two unhealthy relationships with my mother and brother.

So well done you, IWTH xxx