worthyoflove

I'm really not sure how to begin or what to write. Just list how I have hurt others? Or, how I think I have hurt others?

Ago

I have

I'd say get a sponsor and start at Step One

Step Four is the step with the writing

There are helpful workbooks but nothing takes the place of working with an actual sponsor or a therapist with experience in the Twelve Steps

Taking yourself through the twelve steps is like writing your own book about piloting a plane without ever having taken a lesson, the twelve steps reveal things about you that you literally can't see on your own, you need a guide or you will miss the benefits.

Good Luck.

worthyoflove

I do have a sponsor. She told me to just write a list of all people I have harmed.

Ago

Then that is exactly what I would write, personally, I followed the instructions that said I wrote who I was resentful at, I want to work the steps I go to the guys who wrote them

http://silkworth.net/zips/4thStep.zip

Downloads & mp3's from silkworth.net

Let me know if that is what you are looking for, Joe and Charley from AA made the first and most effective formats that I know of

I am resentful at:

The Cause:

and then finding out columns three and four with your sponsor

affects my:

What is my part:

For right now just write who you are resentful at and why, later on you will write your fears and sexual history

worthyoflove

Thank you very much for this.

Ago

No worries

Let me know by PM if you have further questions

Just FYI step 8 is "made a list of persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all"

Step four is the personal inventory

step five is sharing it with another human being (and God)

dothi

Imagine what a healthy exercise this is for alcoholics, who tend to be "oblivious" to the harm they cause others. If I understand it right, this step helps us become more self-aware, especially as we've often learned unhealthy behaviors from our A-parents. It's those unhealthy behaviors that help perpetuate the cycle from one generation to the next, in spite of our best intentions.

worthyoflove

Thanks Dothi. I do know the harms I have done; however, I wanted to make sure I get everything down and thought there would be a good way to make sure I didn't forget anything or something I am oblivious to.

takincareome

Let me know how it goes. I'm interested. I'm still a huge newbie to al-anon and trying to get my head around it. Not ready to tackle steps or get a sponsor just yet.

DesertEyes

I've done several runs thru all the steps. I _hate_ starting out, but it feels _so_ good when I'm done.

How I begin to write is first I write down everything that is causing me _pain_. For example, I wrote down that that divorcing my ex wife was painful, and that I didn't want to take off the wedding ring. Ever.

Then I write down the _specific_ situations where the pain is worst. Which was taking off the wedding ring and having to admit it was over.

Next is listing who is involved in that situation. And that was _everybody_. Everybody who would know my marriage had failed. And that would know that _I_ was a failure as a husband.

Then I write down what character defects are impacted by that pain, which for me was "pride".

And at the moment, when I "connected the dots" from the wedding ring to people knowing to me being a failure to "pride" I realized _why_ I was in such deep pain.

Not because my marriage ended, that was just a small part. The intensity of the pain was caused because I was afraid that I had become a failure as a husband and become like my alcohlic father. _that_ was the root cause of my pain. As well as the root cause of why I stuck it out far too long, and why I seek out unhealthy relationships.

What I get out of these "inventories" is I unravel the tangled motivations that drive me to do unhealthy behaviors. Once I can work that out, the whole insanity just evaporates. The day I shared that inventory with my sponsor is the day I realized that I am _not_ like my father. Not in the slightest. He never cared that he was a drunk and a failure, whearas I have spent my entire life trying to be a good man and improve myself.

That's the magic of recovery, not only does it stop the self-destructive behaviors, it makes their power vanish.

That ring? I gave it to the Salvation Army. I figure they need the money and some young couple can use it for their own start in life.

Mike