share with spouse
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3
share with spouse
Hi all! I am a new member of the group. My wife and I have been married for 4 years now. I have been dealing with her drinking for a while now, thinking that it was going to go away. Ive talked to her many times but things are not changing.
I am going to my first Al Annon meeting today and not too sure how I should share this with her. She asked me last night to help some friends at their new home and I had to tell her that I already had plans. I just said I had a meeting at church (which is were I am actually going for it), but I dont want to lie to her about it.
Im trying to figure out the best way to share this with her.
Thanks all!
I am going to my first Al Annon meeting today and not too sure how I should share this with her. She asked me last night to help some friends at their new home and I had to tell her that I already had plans. I just said I had a meeting at church (which is were I am actually going for it), but I dont want to lie to her about it.
Im trying to figure out the best way to share this with her.
Thanks all!
Lovin' life!
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 8
Sometimes it's best to let it go. This would be a good topic to discuss with other members of the group as they have experience in these things. The important thing right now is for you to go, take care of yourself, and listen for the similarities. Alcoholism is devestating to everyone that comes in contact with it.
good luck!
good luck!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
WELCOME to Sober Recovery. You have found a GREAT place with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) of others who have been where you are now.
Al-Anon is for YOU not her. You don't have to tell her 'right now.' When you do, she will deny that she has a problem and will probably be angry. Not Your Problem. In addition to Al-Anon I would suggest you get yourself a copy of "Co Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie, Amazon has it at a very reasonable price. It will help you IMMENSELY.
Whether you wife is an alcoholic or not (we cannot say) the fact that her consumption of alcohol is a problem for you makes it a problem. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to 'help' her, you can only help yourself. Those with problems with alcohol (yes, I was a practicing alkie for many years) will only seek help when they are ready (hitting their bottom). However, that does not mean you have to put up with it.
Al-Anon will help you to figure out your 'boundaries' and to set the 'boundaries' you are willing to live with.
There are 3 C's that help if you repeat them to yourself every day.
I didn't CAUSE it.
I can't CONTROL it.
I can't CURE it.
This is NOT your fault.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Al-Anon is for YOU not her. You don't have to tell her 'right now.' When you do, she will deny that she has a problem and will probably be angry. Not Your Problem. In addition to Al-Anon I would suggest you get yourself a copy of "Co Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie, Amazon has it at a very reasonable price. It will help you IMMENSELY.
Whether you wife is an alcoholic or not (we cannot say) the fact that her consumption of alcohol is a problem for you makes it a problem. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to 'help' her, you can only help yourself. Those with problems with alcohol (yes, I was a practicing alkie for many years) will only seek help when they are ready (hitting their bottom). However, that does not mean you have to put up with it.
Al-Anon will help you to figure out your 'boundaries' and to set the 'boundaries' you are willing to live with.
There are 3 C's that help if you repeat them to yourself every day.
I didn't CAUSE it.
I can't CONTROL it.
I can't CURE it.
This is NOT your fault.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Hi and welcome. Please let us know how your meeting went and good for you for going. Alanon recommends attending 6 meeting before deciding if Alanon is for you or not. Personally, Alanon was one of the key things that helped me in my own recovery. The other things were indidvidual counseling, posting here, and reading books like the one already mentioned to you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi Mackarroni!
Welcome-
I am glad to hear you are giving AlAnon a try.
I realized how deep in denial I was and how helpful I was being to my brothers' disease when I was so terrified to say that I was going to AlAnon! To any and all non-alcoholic friends and family I shared that I was givng it a try but I would feel this terror at mentioning it when they asked me what I was up to or why I was changing so much, ("what the hell is the matter with you??!!").
I eventually shared this at a meeting and there were lots of chuckles and head nodding because I thnk it is pretty common to have a hard time discussing w/ the alcoholic, so what you're feeling is normal. I needed many many months of the skills I learned at AlAnon before I was able to just be my true self around my alcoholic brothers and know what I wanted to say and more importantly why I wanted to say things.
And not just about AlAnon-- I mean the whole style of communication in my family was so fraught with these big elephants you had to avoid in conversation--- UGH! That's the nature of the alcoholic family, that's why it is SO GREAT you are seeking help and making an effort to explore changing yourself.
AlAnon really turned my head around-- gave me the tools to get off the roller coaster, stop walking on eggshells, be myself and focus on me and my own problems.
It all started with acceptance of reality - of my powerlessness over the alcoholic, and over alcoholism. Bt with that came the amazing understanding of the power I have to change myself! Not easy-- but worth it!
peace,
glad you're here and good luck at AlAnon!
b
Welcome-
I am glad to hear you are giving AlAnon a try.
I realized how deep in denial I was and how helpful I was being to my brothers' disease when I was so terrified to say that I was going to AlAnon! To any and all non-alcoholic friends and family I shared that I was givng it a try but I would feel this terror at mentioning it when they asked me what I was up to or why I was changing so much, ("what the hell is the matter with you??!!").
I eventually shared this at a meeting and there were lots of chuckles and head nodding because I thnk it is pretty common to have a hard time discussing w/ the alcoholic, so what you're feeling is normal. I needed many many months of the skills I learned at AlAnon before I was able to just be my true self around my alcoholic brothers and know what I wanted to say and more importantly why I wanted to say things.
And not just about AlAnon-- I mean the whole style of communication in my family was so fraught with these big elephants you had to avoid in conversation--- UGH! That's the nature of the alcoholic family, that's why it is SO GREAT you are seeking help and making an effort to explore changing yourself.
AlAnon really turned my head around-- gave me the tools to get off the roller coaster, stop walking on eggshells, be myself and focus on me and my own problems.
It all started with acceptance of reality - of my powerlessness over the alcoholic, and over alcoholism. Bt with that came the amazing understanding of the power I have to change myself! Not easy-- but worth it!
peace,
glad you're here and good luck at AlAnon!
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3
Thank you!
Thanks a lot everybody!
I just came back from my first meeting. I have to say thanks for the replies and words of comfort. I found the strength I needed to take the first step.
I have to say I was very scared to do it, and now I am so thankful that I did.
The grup usually meets with the AA on the last Thursday of the month, however there were 2 of us new to it, so thanks to Andy for holding the meeting.
It was so amaizing having someone to just talk to and just say at the end "I know exactly how you feel"
I am looking forward to the next one.
Thank you Laurie for the book, I already bought the audio version and have it on my ipod.
Leving the meeting reminded me of the following thought worth sharing...
What Will Today Bring
This is the beginning of a new day.
God has given me this day to use as I will.
I can waste it or use it for good.
What I do today is important, because I am exchanging a day of my life for it.
When tomorrow comes this day will be gone forever, leaving in its place something I have traded for it.
I want it to be gain, not loss; good, not evil; success, not failure,
In order that I shall not regret the price I paid for it, because the future is a whole string of nows…
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
God bless.
I just came back from my first meeting. I have to say thanks for the replies and words of comfort. I found the strength I needed to take the first step.
I have to say I was very scared to do it, and now I am so thankful that I did.
The grup usually meets with the AA on the last Thursday of the month, however there were 2 of us new to it, so thanks to Andy for holding the meeting.
It was so amaizing having someone to just talk to and just say at the end "I know exactly how you feel"
I am looking forward to the next one.
Thank you Laurie for the book, I already bought the audio version and have it on my ipod.
Leving the meeting reminded me of the following thought worth sharing...
What Will Today Bring
This is the beginning of a new day.
God has given me this day to use as I will.
I can waste it or use it for good.
What I do today is important, because I am exchanging a day of my life for it.
When tomorrow comes this day will be gone forever, leaving in its place something I have traded for it.
I want it to be gain, not loss; good, not evil; success, not failure,
In order that I shall not regret the price I paid for it, because the future is a whole string of nows…
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
God bless.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Having an audio version of Co Dependent No More is great. However, my copy is so marked up, highlighted and notes in the borders (just like my AA Big Book, lol) that I am grateful I have a printed copy.
Yes, I still read both, as reminders to me. Both are very instrumental in my recovery.
Glad you had a great meeting. Here's to many more of the same!
Love and hugs,
Yes, I still read both, as reminders to me. Both are very instrumental in my recovery.
Glad you had a great meeting. Here's to many more of the same!
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: South GA
Posts: 67
Welcome Mackarroni!
Isn't it great to hear you're not completely alone? That someone else knows exactly how you feel? I can say that with you since I have a wife of 3 years who is an alcoholic. Al Anon is a good way to take care of yourself.
The only thing I can add is the famous slogan at the end of my meeting, "Keep coming back, it works if you work it!"
Isn't it great to hear you're not completely alone? That someone else knows exactly how you feel? I can say that with you since I have a wife of 3 years who is an alcoholic. Al Anon is a good way to take care of yourself.
The only thing I can add is the famous slogan at the end of my meeting, "Keep coming back, it works if you work it!"
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