Lucy06

When I went to Alanon, I met lots of people (mostly women) who had "successfully" detached from their AS and were still living with them. This is something that I struggle with personally. I can see how one can detach from a relative (friend or family member) addict. But how can you detach from your spouse? I realise that I can't do this because I have expectations about what a partner represents to me: someone I can trust, someone who is willing to listen to me and support me. Without these, I don't see how you can call this person your partner. But how can you expect these from an addict? It's impossible.
So my question is: for those who have successfully detached from their addict partners, what do you "expect" from your spouse? Isn't some important aspects of your relationship missing?

sandrawg

I think the answer to your question IS the question!

I would have to say, as someone who had an ABF, YES, many important aspects of the relationship are missing. Addicts/alcoholics are master manipulators and liars, which makes them impossible to trust. They are not capable of being contributing, equal partners in a truly interdependent relationship. I don't know how people end up staying but I did for a long time-I think I was in denial.

Lucy06

thanks for your answer! So how healthy can a relationship be with an addict? As much work as we can do on ourselves to avoid being hurt, it seems to me that ultimately, no one can have a healthy and fullfiling relationship with an addict, whether you apply the alanon 12 steps or not. This is why I stopped going to Alanon: I felt out of place because I left my AH, failing to detach AND be happy in the relationship. Don't get me wrong, I didn't feel judged by anyone in my group, but I found this whole Alanon thing quite depressing....

Freedom1990

I apply the Alanon principles in my daily life. I do not live with an alcoholic. I was married to/lived with an alcoholic, and I have a 31 year old AD.

Personally I don't know of too many who have stayed in a relationship with an A, attend Alanon, and are happy. I see people in that situation who struggle tremendously, even with Alanon.

Perhaps you could find a different Alanon group?

Pelican

Maybe try a different meeting. I have attended 3 different meetings since the beginning of this year. (3rd because of my move)

My first thoughts were like yours. I thought: I don't belong in Alanon because I am not staying with my A.

I knew before I went to my first meeting that I would leave my A. I stayed after one Alanon meeting and discussed my concerns about leaving my A and still being welcomed in Alanon. I was told to keep coming back and try at least 6 meetings.

I did. I learned that Alanon was not about my A. It was about me and how I was reacting to life. Life that doesn't always involve my A. I have a life with children, relatives, co-workers, neighbors, strangers, crazy drivers on the streets, and other addicts. Alanon gives me the tools to respond to my life in a healthier manner. I have a better relationship with my children, relatives, co-workers, etc... because of the skills I am learning in Alanon.

From your post:
failing to detach AND be happy in the relationshipThis is what I have observed in some of the women I have met through Alanon that are still in relationships with A's.
They have detached with love, one day at a time.
They are happy with themselves and who they are.
They are in a relationship with an A.

Separate issues. My goal is for the first two. Detach with love (daily) and to be happy with myself. I feel like I am making progress, so I will keep going back.

silkspin

Hi Lucy, detachment is a tough concept. When I first heard of it, I ended up just ignoring my spouse. One particularly hard morning I called an Al anon friend, and she explained how she did it. I was struggling because when he was drinking (usually weekends) I'd resent him. During the week once we got over the fights etc, things would kind of calm down and I'd feel better, and he was sober and productive etc. I found myself torn. Would I still ignore him when I felt better towards him?

She said that you detach from the behaviour, and not the person. So when he started drinking, I would excuse myself from him and go to another room to do something else, or go to bed, or whatever. Did not engage with him while actively drinking. If he said anything I'd simply state that I couldn't engage with him at the moment. End of story. No bitching, nagging, anger. Next day would be life as usual. And she said to take it moment by moment if I had to. If I felt good towards him, then I should be good towards him. We'd make dinner together. We'd cuddle, converse, laugh. Still, those moments were still clouded by the drinking, but I at least felt that I could be in the relationship. Rather than being angry all the time. Does this make sense? He wasn't bad all the time, so I didn't act like he was. Al anon also taught me to be more compassionate. He started to not like the drinking - he had demons of his own which drove him to it. Understanding that he wasn't personally trying to hurt me, helped me go on with life, but detach when he drank.

That said, 6 months of this and he was still drinking. I was feeling better day by day because I felt like I was starting to live again. For me. But the gap grew because I was improving and he was stagnating. So eventually I asked him to leave, and it spurred him to get sober.

I think detachment is a tool to help us reclaim our lives. Some may be able to continue indefinitely while their partner continues to drink. I wasn't, because I felt I outgrew the situation and no longer wanted to have that kind of life. Where it wasn't equal.

My suggestion - go back to Al anon. Everyone is different, and their outcomes and choices will be different. But the principles will help you in your unique way, to find your path. Keep open to it. I find it works very subtly.

Thumper

I detached without al-anon. I mean I didn't do it intentionally it was just how it happened. I didn't do it right either because I detached from the person, not the behavior, and that is not the thing to do if you want a relationship.

I can see where detachment would be a life saver if you felt you did not want to, were not ready to, or just could not, leave the relationship.

benham

This was my lightbulb moment with detachment, I hope it makes sense.

If you are detaching, that means you are attached right? The A's moods dictate your own as if there's an umbilical cord between you two. Anytime the A drinks, you feel as if he's doing it on purpose to make you feel bad.

Detachment is cutting the cord that allows you to feel a certain way based on what the A is doing. It allows the relationship to represent two pillars standing next to each other instead of leaning on each other for support. Its easy to write, but HARD to do. There are slip ups along the way as there may be situations where it seems so much easier to go back to the way before. A lot of times, I go back in my ways without realizing it until after it blows over.

ToughChoices

Looking back, a lot of the trouble I had with detachment came because I was ultimately unable/unwilling to compromise what I wanted from a relationship. And I tried. I tried to settle for what my XAH had to offer, but there was always a part of my spirit that protested.

I wanted the "two pillars standing next to each other" relationship, but an alcoholic who is still drinking, does not stand on his own - he/she is propped up by a mind-altering substance. I found that life with an active A required detachment just to keep myself from falling over because of his drunken weight. I detached because it's not my responsibility to keep the A from hitting the floor. That's not the kind of "supportive" relationship that I'm looking for.

silkspin

ToughChoices, well put! We seem to be their third leg - creating a tripod that allows them to continue to stand in THEIR choices. But that means that we're missing a leg and what happens is that we fall over!

I am blessed to have found this forum and al anon to help me 'yank' my leg back so that I could stand on my own 2 feet. If he topples over, so be it! He's got to get his own legs back to stand up around here now!