CAAW

Okay friends, I need some advice.

As you may or may not know. I am planning on giving my AH a letter outlining my feelings on our marriage, what I envision a healthy marriage being, and the BIG part is expectations on what I want him agree to in order to get healthy and remain married.

I am working on finalizing this, but I do know two of my requirements.

1. go to marriage counseling
2. Him to get treatment for his alcoholism

This is where I really need your input/advice/experience:
Another part of this is finding out where I stand legally if he chooses to not to work things out and wants a divorce.

I have two small children. In the past he has said if we ever divorce he wants 50/50 custody.

I can't do that. I would figure split. My understanding of split is he would get every other weekend and 1 day a week.

Another concern is our house.

I called a lawyer today and this one charged 325.00 for 1 hour constellation. Then if I were to hire her she would start out with a 5,000 retainer.

How do I come up with that??????
One of my fears is he has access to money as his parents and uncle have money.

I on the other hand do not have access to that kind of money. He might use that as leverage to pressure/bully me into things I don't agree with.

I would appreciate any info/advice you all may have.

LaTeeDa

I have to tell you, every single time I set requirements for my AH, I set myself up for disappointment and pain. Either he would not do what I wanted and find all manner of excuses why he couldn't, or worse, he would do what I wanted and it wouldn't bring about the results I desired.

If I were you, I would think long and hard about telling him what he needs to do for you to stay. It only worked out for me when I let go, let him make his own choices, and made mine according to how I wanted my life to be.

As for the divorce, mine had access to his family's money, too. But in the end, he didn't have the ambition or nerve to fight with me over custody. I ended up doing my own divorce for out of pocket costs of less than $500. It took a lot of time, reading and research, frustration at the legal system, but I did it and feel very good about myself for doing it.

Anyway, you're really putting the cart before the horse here. I think it would be wiser to get really clear on what you want, rather than demanding that he perform some tasks and assume that will make you happy.

L

smacked

Or what? Divorce? Are you prepared to follow through? Otherwise it's empty.

And what about him getting and staying sober? Plenty of alcoholics feel they are "treating" their alcoholism by attending therapy and AA, while still getting drunk every night.

Enforcement of said boundaries is the strength you have, I hope you follow through.

Still Waters

Marriage counseling is useless unless both parties are committed to honesty. It won't do you a bit of good if he agrees to go and then lies his way through the sessions. I don't see this as a realistic goal.

Frankly, I don't see rehab or other form of treatment as a realistic goal either. Unless he wants to do it, for his own reasons...it's wasted time and money.

ItsmeAlice

I have to say that I read this...

and the BIG part is expectations on what I want him agree to in order to get healthy and remain married.

...and immediately thought "Ok, now the plan is doomed. What a shame."

I'm being honest here. It's the expectations that are the problem.

Having a clear understanding of what you want out of your marriage, taking a true hearfelt look at what you are able to put into the marriage yourself, and expressing those to your AH is the entirety of what you can reasonably accomplish and fulfill.

You can then ask if he willing to participate in the marriage going forward. You can ask if he is willing to fulfill the needs you have expressed. You can ask him to take stock of what he wants out of the marriage and what he is willing to bring to it. Of course, you can explore these things together in couples therapy, but the bottom line will be that once you've given from both sides on the issue of the marriage, you have to be ready to accept what he has put forth or not. His needs and wants and what he is willing to give are all going to be affected by the demands of his addiction. He has to make the choice as to how much it's all affected or if he wishes to seek recovery from his addiction to give fully of himself and to have other needs met.

Once you add expectations and ultimatums you are setting it all up for failure. As it's been said, he will find the loophole in your expectations and ultimatums and get away with as much as he can to continue his addiction even if that means attending therapy, rehab, abstinence, meetings etc. All the while, if he is not seeking recovery for his own gain and by his own will, he will only continue his pattern of addiction. He could avoid alcohol altogether to satisfy the conditions of your expectations, but continue his same pattern of behavior and possibly with another drug of choice.

In the end if he fails to comply or meet the demands you put forth, you will then be back to setting new expectations and giving new ultimatums, which of course he will find offensive since he has already jumped through hoops for you.

I went down this path a couple of times with my XABF over the years and it was not until I stopped seeking change from him and started looking at what I needed to change within me did I see progress. When I finally figured out what I wanted out of a relationship, I was finally able to see where my relationship was lacking, and it had been lacking regardless of the level of his alcoholism. It was missing whether he was sober or binging. When I stopped making ultimatums, expressed what I wanted our life together to be, and let him decide whether he wanted the same things, I found out through his actions and eventually in drunk rantings, that he didn't want those same things because they interfered with his alcoholism lifestyle. I didn't have to threaten to leave. The relationship died when neither of us were keeping it alive. I was just the one giving it CPR long after its demise.

Alice

naive

i can't imagine that marriage counseling will help if he is in an alcohol induced fog. as you know, they live in a different stratesphere than we do and trying to communicate effectively with an active alcoholic will be nigh impossible, even with a third party present.

i agree with itsmealice, as soon as i read "expectations" i thought, oh dear.

perhaps best to continue to collect your facts regarding separation.

as for the custody issue, it would take planning, tenacity and organizational skills for your AH to launch a custody battle. is he illustrating these skills currently?

Jazzman

Most reputable counselors would suggest holding off on marriage counseling until the addict is in some recovery program or counseling and showing consistent progress.

As far as divorce and custody, get educated about the domestic laws of the state you live in, most can be done on line. In VA the father has equal rights to minor children just as the mother does, 50/50 right down the middle, even if the father is a drunk or a jerk or what ever. Not sure of the laws in your state but most are similar. Does your state have no-fault divorce or equitable distribution? Lots to research and it can all be done online.

And since you're considering litigation I would advise against putting anything in witting even if in the form of a heart felt letter. Those can backfire if in the hands of a vindictive estranged spouse.