Need Advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: California
Posts: 51
Need Advice
I am new to this site and am glad I found it. I really didn't realize I needed support until recently and I have been reading some of your posts the past couple of days. They have helped me a lot. Thank you. I now know I need help and should not be scared to ask for it.
I have a codependent mom. I never thought I would say that. She starts drinking wine at about noon, sometimes earlier. She sips her wine until about 6 p and drinks water until she passes out in bed at about 9. I think this is what happens since I am not there all the time. I live a few hrs away with my family. When I am there she will try to stay up longer to spend time with me and passes out on the couch. I have had to put her to bed several times now. She cannot walk straight and almost falls. She is bleary eyed and mumbles. It is hard for me to see this. She was not like this when I was growing up. I don't know how long she has been drinking like this but it's been years. I guess we have all been in denial. But no longer.
My dad does nothing except complain and yell at her. When they go to Costco to buy large bottles of wine he says nothing too. My mom can be very nasty when she is drunk. She bashes my father, brother, me, etc... She will say mean things to us and always brings up the past to throw in our faces, how she's given us this and that. She makes up things too to hurt us. She tries to poison our minds against each other. She tries to manipulate us using money as a tool. She even threatens to kill herself or my dad. This is quite alarming and I yell at her to get help. She of course denies she has a problem, that she hasn't been drinking much or that she needs help. She'll say for us to just leave her alone. She complains that my dad is lazy, hits her, has never been a good husband etc...She threatens to leave him. They have had terrible fights yelling and screaming. Then there are the few days of the week she seems fine and normal. It's like jekel and hyde...She's still drinking but she acts normal?
My brother, who unfortunately lives close by to my parents, tells me not to get involved or let them make me nervous. He says he leaves when he senses things getting strange. Poor guy. I feel like he has borne the brunt of there insults and insanity for so long. I now see why he is the way he is. He is divorced from an alcoholic wife, and has two girls with problems:autism and ADD. He has literally been trapped between this while I have been more of an outsider. Although my mom sometimes calls and picks fights with me.
A couple of evenings ago she called with her not very happy tone and started to lay into me about money she's given her grandson, the past etc. I got mad and began telling her to get help for her drinking to stop her from saying more. She yelled back and hung up. I am nervous that every phone ring will be her again. She has done this to me before many times and sometimes I have called to apologize and sometimes she has.
What I want to know is how to respond to her phone calls and not be an enabler or provoke. I don't want my emotions to be stepped on either. If I hang up she is enraged with me. If I yell at her and tell her to get help, she is hurting the family etc...she yells back and hangs up. What would you suggest I do or say to her? I love my mom and want to help her. I don't know what to do. Should I just listen and not respond but say okay or ???
Sorry this is so long, I needed to get it out. I am in knots and can't sleep well.
Thanks for listening
I have a codependent mom. I never thought I would say that. She starts drinking wine at about noon, sometimes earlier. She sips her wine until about 6 p and drinks water until she passes out in bed at about 9. I think this is what happens since I am not there all the time. I live a few hrs away with my family. When I am there she will try to stay up longer to spend time with me and passes out on the couch. I have had to put her to bed several times now. She cannot walk straight and almost falls. She is bleary eyed and mumbles. It is hard for me to see this. She was not like this when I was growing up. I don't know how long she has been drinking like this but it's been years. I guess we have all been in denial. But no longer.
My dad does nothing except complain and yell at her. When they go to Costco to buy large bottles of wine he says nothing too. My mom can be very nasty when she is drunk. She bashes my father, brother, me, etc... She will say mean things to us and always brings up the past to throw in our faces, how she's given us this and that. She makes up things too to hurt us. She tries to poison our minds against each other. She tries to manipulate us using money as a tool. She even threatens to kill herself or my dad. This is quite alarming and I yell at her to get help. She of course denies she has a problem, that she hasn't been drinking much or that she needs help. She'll say for us to just leave her alone. She complains that my dad is lazy, hits her, has never been a good husband etc...She threatens to leave him. They have had terrible fights yelling and screaming. Then there are the few days of the week she seems fine and normal. It's like jekel and hyde...She's still drinking but she acts normal?
My brother, who unfortunately lives close by to my parents, tells me not to get involved or let them make me nervous. He says he leaves when he senses things getting strange. Poor guy. I feel like he has borne the brunt of there insults and insanity for so long. I now see why he is the way he is. He is divorced from an alcoholic wife, and has two girls with problems:autism and ADD. He has literally been trapped between this while I have been more of an outsider. Although my mom sometimes calls and picks fights with me.
A couple of evenings ago she called with her not very happy tone and started to lay into me about money she's given her grandson, the past etc. I got mad and began telling her to get help for her drinking to stop her from saying more. She yelled back and hung up. I am nervous that every phone ring will be her again. She has done this to me before many times and sometimes I have called to apologize and sometimes she has.
What I want to know is how to respond to her phone calls and not be an enabler or provoke. I don't want my emotions to be stepped on either. If I hang up she is enraged with me. If I yell at her and tell her to get help, she is hurting the family etc...she yells back and hangs up. What would you suggest I do or say to her? I love my mom and want to help her. I don't know what to do. Should I just listen and not respond but say okay or ???
Sorry this is so long, I needed to get it out. I am in knots and can't sleep well.
Thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Goldberry, welcome and glad you found us! A lot of us have had to deal with alcoholic parents who still live in denial of their own disease.
I know that, for me, I had to stop taking calls from mine (and my sister, who was far worse) in order to save my sanity. But first, I had to admit that I could not save them. I kept answering, thinking there was something I could say or do that would help them, but truly, the only person who can help your mother is your mother.
You can be kind, you can be angry, you can be anything in between, and IT WILL NOT MAKE HER BETTER. Your brother is actually on the right track with this, in his way:
You can't save her. You can only save you, and as it appears that her alcoholism is really affecting your life, you may want to make extra efforts to focus on your own life & happiness and let her find her 'bottom' herself, as they say.
Al-Anon meetings, and the 12 Steps (which are being practiced online here) were really, really helpful in getting me through the process of letting go with love.
Hugs to you, I know how hard this is
I know that, for me, I had to stop taking calls from mine (and my sister, who was far worse) in order to save my sanity. But first, I had to admit that I could not save them. I kept answering, thinking there was something I could say or do that would help them, but truly, the only person who can help your mother is your mother.
You can be kind, you can be angry, you can be anything in between, and IT WILL NOT MAKE HER BETTER. Your brother is actually on the right track with this, in his way:
My brother, who unfortunately lives close by to my parents, tells me not to get involved or let them make me nervous. He says he leaves when he senses things getting strange.
Al-Anon meetings, and the 12 Steps (which are being practiced online here) were really, really helpful in getting me through the process of letting go with love.
Hugs to you, I know how hard this is
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
My question for you is: why do you feel you have to sit back and listen to verbal abuse?
What you're describing is verbal abuse. Your mom is not just being verbally abusive, but she is choosing to be disrespectful. I say this because if you can choose to show courtesy and not raise your voice when you're upset, then so can she. She can also choose not to drink, which seems to escalate this behavior.
My AF (alcoholic father) is similar. Definitely tries to control his kids with money. He doesn't yell when he's drunk, but he does get aggressive. He will say whatever is on his mind, whether it's hurtful to anyone else or not. He also drinks until he passes out, taking for granted that someone will haul him into bed. (I've watched my brother put my AF to bed for too many christmases) In the morning he is a completely different person. You can't tell whether he even remembers how he behaved the night before.
I used to feel so much guilt when I tried to help him. He is my dad, and I want him to be happy. But I can't make another human being want to be happy. He has to want it. He has to choose it. He has to choose to put the alcohol aside (which definitely escalates all this negative behavior and hard feelings) and work on improving his life. Your mom makes the same choice when she chooses to drink; she's also choosing to ignore your concern for her and cope with stress by drinking.
Respond with boundaries. For example, start with the verbal abuse. "When you yell, I can't understand what you're trying to say. If you don't stop yelling, I will hang up." And then do it. That's it. You are not being rude. If you are uncomfortable, you have a right to speak up and let the other person know about it. That's what makes a boundary so good - you're letting the other person know what behavior you won't accept, and what the consequence is if they continue.
I don't know if you're open to it, but some counselling may also help (I practised boundaries with my counsellor A LOT; just saying the words felt so unnatural coming out of my mouth that I needed to practice so I didn't freeze up when my AF called). You sound like you have a lot of anxiety - not only when your mom calls, but also when she doesn't call because you're dreading when it's going to happen (so basically torturing yourself for her, even when she is not around - that's just not a good deal for you). You're living your life in fear, and that's going to have a hard impact on anyone. If you feel apprehensive about counselling, there's plenty of great books worth reading that may help you relate on how to improve your situation. Of course, you can always post here
It's just sometimes all the extra support you can get can really help to pull you out of an unhealthy dynamic.
Check out the Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) Forum next door. The following link takes you straight to one of the stickies posted there...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ll-rights.html
What you're describing is verbal abuse. Your mom is not just being verbally abusive, but she is choosing to be disrespectful. I say this because if you can choose to show courtesy and not raise your voice when you're upset, then so can she. She can also choose not to drink, which seems to escalate this behavior.
My AF (alcoholic father) is similar. Definitely tries to control his kids with money. He doesn't yell when he's drunk, but he does get aggressive. He will say whatever is on his mind, whether it's hurtful to anyone else or not. He also drinks until he passes out, taking for granted that someone will haul him into bed. (I've watched my brother put my AF to bed for too many christmases) In the morning he is a completely different person. You can't tell whether he even remembers how he behaved the night before.
I used to feel so much guilt when I tried to help him. He is my dad, and I want him to be happy. But I can't make another human being want to be happy. He has to want it. He has to choose it. He has to choose to put the alcohol aside (which definitely escalates all this negative behavior and hard feelings) and work on improving his life. Your mom makes the same choice when she chooses to drink; she's also choosing to ignore your concern for her and cope with stress by drinking.
Originally Posted by Goldberry 
What I want to know is how to respond to her phone calls and not be an enabler or provoke.
I don't know if you're open to it, but some counselling may also help (I practised boundaries with my counsellor A LOT; just saying the words felt so unnatural coming out of my mouth that I needed to practice so I didn't freeze up when my AF called). You sound like you have a lot of anxiety - not only when your mom calls, but also when she doesn't call because you're dreading when it's going to happen (so basically torturing yourself for her, even when she is not around - that's just not a good deal for you). You're living your life in fear, and that's going to have a hard impact on anyone. If you feel apprehensive about counselling, there's plenty of great books worth reading that may help you relate on how to improve your situation. Of course, you can always post here
It's just sometimes all the extra support you can get can really help to pull you out of an unhealthy dynamic. Check out the Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) Forum next door. The following link takes you straight to one of the stickies posted there...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ll-rights.html
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Powerless, Pa
Posts: 18
Golberry,
The first sign of an alcoholic or addict for that matter if DENIAL . .but the
good thing is YOU"RE not in denial . . good thing #1
your mother is just like my mother but she only drinks occasionally
and I consider her a "dry drunk" that means when the person
stops drinking , they're THINKING doesn't change .. .and that's
the hardest concept most people don't understand . . ..
May I say this without offending you or judging your mother (I see how much you care and love her?) ...Your mother is trying to manipulate
you with guilt and shame and I see very evidently that something
is or hasn't been resolved in her life and she won't disclose it to anyone.
She hates herself and her life, but she may never tell you what it is.
But drinking isn't also the problem, it's the "underlying" reason
WHY they drink to begin with ... .there must be a reality in her
life, present or past that she just can't deal with . . .drinking
alcohol or doing drugs . .. is a BANDAID to inner pain.
Unfortunatly most . . .(unless they get help, share their pain,
or let their guard down and tell someone what REALLY is "hurting"
them . . . becuae alcohol NUMBS pain and reality.
I can identify w/ your mother's behavior, but my mother doesn't
drink , but i have been told my a good firend that she IS an alcoholic.
dunno . ..but I want to help in some way here. I feel from your post
that your mother hates herself and she hates her life and doesn't
know how to deal with it . . .alcohol is her FIX or bandaid . .. .
What should you say when she bashes you? Say "Mom , I love
you, I'll pray for you and then HANG UP! don't be offended here
but when my mom does this with me, it used to make ME drink
but I found a higher power , God and I ask God to bless her
and soften her heart . . .and I hand over my mother's problem
and give it to God and say "thank you God that you are in control
of this, I give my mother back to you and this battle because
you created her and I surrender and I've learned that
IF I step OUT OF THE WAY . . . .I let God do his part,
if I try and help her .. I am wasting my time . .. .becuase
acceptance is the answer to all my problems today !
I hand her over to God, he loves he more than I EVER could
and HE has the power to change her, if you pray for her.
and leave it at that .... ..Suggestion, make a God box
out of a shoe box and anything or anybody that bothers
you, write it down, put it in the box and what's in the box
you are giving to God to handle becuase he promises to do that.
then it is no longer your problem. . . .trying to tell someone
they need help . . then they're drinking . they don't want
to hear it . . . . you're wasting your time . .
Love the person , hate the disease!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
post privately if you want to talk . . .been down this road
being an A and also dealing WITH the alcoholic.
peace and hugs . ...
hope this helps!
ps
you've done all the right things, your intentions are out of love
don't change YOUR personality becuase of someone else's
self-hate. . . .
Debs
The first sign of an alcoholic or addict for that matter if DENIAL . .but the
good thing is YOU"RE not in denial . . good thing #1
your mother is just like my mother but she only drinks occasionally
and I consider her a "dry drunk" that means when the person
stops drinking , they're THINKING doesn't change .. .and that's
the hardest concept most people don't understand . . ..
May I say this without offending you or judging your mother (I see how much you care and love her?) ...Your mother is trying to manipulate
you with guilt and shame and I see very evidently that something
is or hasn't been resolved in her life and she won't disclose it to anyone.
She hates herself and her life, but she may never tell you what it is.
But drinking isn't also the problem, it's the "underlying" reason
WHY they drink to begin with ... .there must be a reality in her
life, present or past that she just can't deal with . . .drinking
alcohol or doing drugs . .. is a BANDAID to inner pain.
Unfortunatly most . . .(unless they get help, share their pain,
or let their guard down and tell someone what REALLY is "hurting"
them . . . becuae alcohol NUMBS pain and reality.
I can identify w/ your mother's behavior, but my mother doesn't
drink , but i have been told my a good firend that she IS an alcoholic.
dunno . ..but I want to help in some way here. I feel from your post
that your mother hates herself and she hates her life and doesn't
know how to deal with it . . .alcohol is her FIX or bandaid . .. .
What should you say when she bashes you? Say "Mom , I love
you, I'll pray for you and then HANG UP! don't be offended here
but when my mom does this with me, it used to make ME drink
but I found a higher power , God and I ask God to bless her
and soften her heart . . .and I hand over my mother's problem
and give it to God and say "thank you God that you are in control
of this, I give my mother back to you and this battle because
you created her and I surrender and I've learned that
IF I step OUT OF THE WAY . . . .I let God do his part,
if I try and help her .. I am wasting my time . .. .becuase
acceptance is the answer to all my problems today !
I hand her over to God, he loves he more than I EVER could
and HE has the power to change her, if you pray for her.
and leave it at that .... ..Suggestion, make a God box
out of a shoe box and anything or anybody that bothers
you, write it down, put it in the box and what's in the box
you are giving to God to handle becuase he promises to do that.
then it is no longer your problem. . . .trying to tell someone
they need help . . then they're drinking . they don't want
to hear it . . . . you're wasting your time . .
Love the person , hate the disease!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
post privately if you want to talk . . .been down this road
being an A and also dealing WITH the alcoholic.
peace and hugs . ...
hope this helps!
ps
you've done all the right things, your intentions are out of love
don't change YOUR personality becuase of someone else's
self-hate. . . .
Debs
Originally Posted by Goldberry
I am new to this site and am glad I found it. I really didn't realize I needed support until recently and I have been reading some of your posts the past couple of days. They have helped me a lot. Thank you. I now know I need help and should not be scared to ask for it.
I have a codependent mom. I never thought I would say that. She starts drinking wine at about noon, sometimes earlier. She sips her wine until about 6 p and drinks water until she passes out in bed at about 9. I think this is what happens since I am not there all the time. I live a few hrs away with my family. When I am there she will try to stay up longer to spend time with me and passes out on the couch. I have had to put her to bed several times now. She cannot walk straight and almost falls. She is bleary eyed and mumbles. It is hard for me to see this. She was not like this when I was growing up. I don't know how long she has been drinking like this but it's been years. I guess we have all been in denial. But no longer.
My dad does nothing except complain and yell at her. When they go to Costco to buy large bottles of wine he says nothing too. My mom can be very nasty when she is drunk. She bashes my father, brother, me, etc... She will say mean things to us and always brings up the past to throw in our faces, how she's given us this and that. She makes up things too to hurt us. She tries to poison our minds against each other. She tries to manipulate us using money as a tool. She even threatens to kill herself or my dad. This is quite alarming and I yell at her to get help. She of course denies she has a problem, that she hasn't been drinking much or that she needs help. She'll say for us to just leave her alone. She complains that my dad is lazy, hits her, has never been a good husband etc...She threatens to leave him. They have had terrible fights yelling and screaming. Then there are the few days of the week she seems fine and normal. It's like jekel and hyde...She's still drinking but she acts normal?
My brother, who unfortunately lives close by to my parents, tells me not to get involved or let them make me nervous. He says he leaves when he senses things getting strange. Poor guy. I feel like he has borne the brunt of there insults and insanity for so long. I now see why he is the way he is. He is divorced from an alcoholic wife, and has two girls with problems:autism and ADD. He has literally been trapped between this while I have been more of an outsider. Although my mom sometimes calls and picks fights with me.
A couple of evenings ago she called with her not very happy tone and started to lay into me about money she's given her grandson, the past etc. I got mad and began telling her to get help for her drinking to stop her from saying more. She yelled back and hung up. I am nervous that every phone ring will be her again. She has done this to me before many times and sometimes I have called to apologize and sometimes she has.
What I want to know is how to respond to her phone calls and not be an enabler or provoke. I don't want my emotions to be stepped on either. If I hang up she is enraged with me. If I yell at her and tell her to get help, she is hurting the family etc...she yells back and hangs up. What would you suggest I do or say to her? I love my mom and want to help her. I don't know what to do. Should I just listen and not respond but say okay or ???
Sorry this is so long, I needed to get it out. I am in knots and can't sleep well.
Thanks for listening
I have a codependent mom. I never thought I would say that. She starts drinking wine at about noon, sometimes earlier. She sips her wine until about 6 p and drinks water until she passes out in bed at about 9. I think this is what happens since I am not there all the time. I live a few hrs away with my family. When I am there she will try to stay up longer to spend time with me and passes out on the couch. I have had to put her to bed several times now. She cannot walk straight and almost falls. She is bleary eyed and mumbles. It is hard for me to see this. She was not like this when I was growing up. I don't know how long she has been drinking like this but it's been years. I guess we have all been in denial. But no longer.
My dad does nothing except complain and yell at her. When they go to Costco to buy large bottles of wine he says nothing too. My mom can be very nasty when she is drunk. She bashes my father, brother, me, etc... She will say mean things to us and always brings up the past to throw in our faces, how she's given us this and that. She makes up things too to hurt us. She tries to poison our minds against each other. She tries to manipulate us using money as a tool. She even threatens to kill herself or my dad. This is quite alarming and I yell at her to get help. She of course denies she has a problem, that she hasn't been drinking much or that she needs help. She'll say for us to just leave her alone. She complains that my dad is lazy, hits her, has never been a good husband etc...She threatens to leave him. They have had terrible fights yelling and screaming. Then there are the few days of the week she seems fine and normal. It's like jekel and hyde...She's still drinking but she acts normal?
My brother, who unfortunately lives close by to my parents, tells me not to get involved or let them make me nervous. He says he leaves when he senses things getting strange. Poor guy. I feel like he has borne the brunt of there insults and insanity for so long. I now see why he is the way he is. He is divorced from an alcoholic wife, and has two girls with problems:autism and ADD. He has literally been trapped between this while I have been more of an outsider. Although my mom sometimes calls and picks fights with me.
A couple of evenings ago she called with her not very happy tone and started to lay into me about money she's given her grandson, the past etc. I got mad and began telling her to get help for her drinking to stop her from saying more. She yelled back and hung up. I am nervous that every phone ring will be her again. She has done this to me before many times and sometimes I have called to apologize and sometimes she has.
What I want to know is how to respond to her phone calls and not be an enabler or provoke. I don't want my emotions to be stepped on either. If I hang up she is enraged with me. If I yell at her and tell her to get help, she is hurting the family etc...she yells back and hangs up. What would you suggest I do or say to her? I love my mom and want to help her. I don't know what to do. Should I just listen and not respond but say okay or ???
Sorry this is so long, I needed to get it out. I am in knots and can't sleep well.
Thanks for listening
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: California
Posts: 51
Thank you all for your amazing suggestions and truths. Deb42, I think you have hit the nail on the head. She has told me about many hurts in her life. Her father leaving and not caring about her, my father's treatment of her, disappointment of her children's/grandchildren's lives...etc... I became a believer in Christ when I was 27! I have been praying and ministering to my family ever since... I have messed up at times but I want them to see Jesus' love in my life and want it for themselves. I am worried also for my father who doesn't know what to do for her or how to handle her. He basically goes into the computer room or listens to the radio and tunes her out. It's his way of escaping. But he can't always escape and they have horrible fights. She even threatens to hurt someone. She has broken her ankle by trying to run in the house intoxicated. Unfortunately he sides with her against us sometimes too. I think he does this to keep peace with her and glad it's not him she's angry with. I will write down your suggestions and thoughts and the idea about a God box to give them to Him is a wonderful idea too.
I will try also to practice what I would say to her when she starts to say abusive things to me. Thank you again so much.
I will try also to practice what I would say to her when she starts to say abusive things to me. Thank you again so much.
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