BS08

He's something I'm noticing I'm trying to deal with....

Since going through this with the xabf, I find that I have absolutely NO TOLERANCE anymore for alcohol or pot, stories or use! None! The moment someone talks about or jokes about some little drunk moment, I feel like I get on a high horse and start preaching. I've got it under control now, and not everyone is an alcoholic. Most people just like a casual drink and are responsible, but I just can't tolerate even the joking about it! The vast majority of people in the world drink. I don't really drink at all. Never had. It's not all bad.

Some of my friends have used pot at some point in their life. People have those experimental stories from college, etc. in their past. But they **** me off when they start talking about it like it's nothing and not a problem.....

I don't want to alienate people or make them feel bad for a random casual behavior they have had. Or even if they just use maybe once a year or have a causal drink. I know these are my issues with it, but what's the best way to handle the inner pissed-offness about it? I've internalized it now....

Still Waters

Good question, I feel the same way.

I just don't say anything at all now.

queenie88

BS08 i was just thinking about this earlier today...i was talking to my friend and she mentioned how she went out last night and drank and smoked weed...and something inside me just went off. and it's the STRANGEST thing to me. before xabf, i myself was a social drinker and smoker. but after this experience...everything gets to me. pictures, movies (i was watching marley and me last night and owen wilson refers to taking bong hits...i CRINGED!), books, anything involving weed and alcohol i am now hyper-aware.

i honestly don't know what it is and why i react to it now like i do. but i just internalize it as well. haven't figured out a better way to deal with it.

it's just so crazy isn't it? i'd really like to be able to get back to the point where drinking doesn't make me feel guilty. the weed i can honestly live without forever. i think i have more internal anguish about that than i do the alcohol. maybe because xabf made me feel like such a crazy hypocrite about it.

whyamistaying

I am the same way...have no tolerance for it. I dont' know if I ever will.

Shivaya

I know exactly how you feel. I choose to stay away from bars, as I do not drink. I also have zero tolerance for anyone under the influence of anything. I have no problem being around friends at a dinner party, where there is drinking. However, if friends begin having slurred speach, I'm out the door. Simply do not want to be around that type of behavior.

I believe we have every right to distance ourselves from anyone who is engaged in behavior/activities that we do not agree with. And I would not consider it "being on a high horse", when you are looking out for yourself. I don't care for cursing...so I'm not going to hang around a group that uses profanity...

As a matter of fact, when I am considering dating someone, one of my first questions is "do you drink?" I choose to stay away from the "yes's" and am more interested in the "no's". That's just me.

Never feel bad for having your feelings!

Shivaya

naive

hi bs08-

after my experience with xABF, i stopped drinking altogether myself. i was only a social drinker but i too became disgusted with alcohol.

i find that i have zero tolerance now for drunk people. casual drinkers don't really bother me, but the moment it moves into drunken sloppiness (slurring, repeating, etc.) i'm out the door.

what i am experiencing is that this creates a void of sorts, between me and drinkers. i don't say anything but they don't want to talk to someone who is cold stone sober.

i know that understanding leads to compassion. i believe that most people drink because they are in pain and want to numb themselves. i understand this, as i too am in pain, however i choose to face it differeently than they do.

TakingCharge999

Oh that's right, I went without for 10 months now, not a single drop. Angry at everything, even signs on the street or T shirts with JACK DANIELS made me cringe!! Horrible!!!

But after working through some feelings I am able to enjoy a drink again, the therapist said alcohol had nothing to do with an ABUSIVE PERSON, and that it was important for me to be myself and enjoy whatever I enjoy.

Of course now I drink a margarita with a close friend, a glass of wine with bf, when celebrating something with my dad, baileys after lunch etc.

No longer parties or discoteques - I do it responsibly, in moderation and with people I trust. And if I feel like getting drunk I would do it at home. Has not happened yet anyway, I hate hangovers... its just not the same. I guess priorities change.

ICant

I know what you mean. I can handle somebody drinking, but I can't handle watching someone get drunk anymore. I used to be a social drinker, I am now a non drinker. Once I realised that my husband wasn't just a frequent drinker but an alcoholic, it dawned on me that in our circle of friends, the heavy drinkers must also on some level be addicted to the stuff. Once I recognised my codie behaviours I could see it in my friends. I remember one of my shares at an Al-Anon meeting: by the end I was screaming "IT'S EVERYWHERE AND IT DISGUSTS ME!"

spinner

Same thing here. I was an occasional drinker but now I choose not to drink at all. Ads for alcohol disgust me and I hate liquor stores. I know many people drink responsibly and socially but it's the havoc it creates among the rest of the people that I hate. And drunk people make me very, very sad, thinking of my ex ABF.

Spinner

BS08

A hard thing for me is that I work in an ER and about 70-80%, I'd say, of the people I take care of are ragging alcoholics or have done something due to alcohol. Rollovers, bar fights, falling off of things, etc, and I just get SICK of cleaning up these messes day in and day out.

When I was with my ex, I told him during on conversation near the end that it was hard for me because I would go to work and see the aftermath. I would see him in every alcoholic or drunk pt I took care of. I would be at a party at my ex's house, watching them get all tanked and then joke about stuff (like driving home, passing out on the couch, etc), wondering who'd end up in the hospital. I wanna scream IT"S NOT A JOKE!!!

I have family members begging me to get their dad or brother to stop. I can't fix that, and then I get pissed for watching what they are doing to their families. Or they are all alone and no one comes.

It's the hardest part now for me. Trying not to get really angry at work for these lost people, and the reminded that one of those lost people is someone I love....

It makes me angry for what we lost, the destruction it causes. It now makes me super responsible, and I'm kinda sick of feeling that way.

TakingTime

I feel the same way, and the funny thing is I used to love to drink myself, and smoked quite a bit of pot in my day too. But I haven't been doing any of that for nearly 3 years now, and it feels so distant from me. I felt really alienated from a very good friend recently when we met up and I could smell wine on her. It repulsed me, and I felt bad for that. I also can't stand to walk past liquor stores. But I also think it's made me more aware of possible dysfunction where before I would have normalised it (and therefore,stay away)- e.g. a guy with a small kid drinking beer in the middle of the day, striking up a chat with me - I used to think that was fine, now it rings alarm bells in my head.

I just try to remember that we all have different ways of dealing with our pain, and for me its a bit easier b/c I HAVE very nearly been down an addict road myself, but was saved by my stronger spiritual leanings which never allowed me to quite get there, and then finally helped me leave it all behind for good (I hope!). It think it's quite normal when recovering from the effects of alcoholism in one's life, to feel this way, but like Naive said, I try to have compassion even though it's hard, and just remember the Al-Anon slogan 'live and let live'.

BS08

At work last night, a friend of mine that just came back from vacation was telling me about her trip. They were doing a private multiday whitewater trip (I'm a guide as well) and she was all excited telling me how they just about flipped and almost pinned their boat in a rapid up against a wall. She said it was "sooo scary" but then added "***** had had 2 Bloody Mary's that morning, which he probably shouldn't of had. He was so worked up after we got it all together that he had to have a beer!" and she laughed about this! I joked about it, but I was horrified! You CHOSE to do that to yourselves!!! You placed yourself in that position! So I have to keep my mouth shut and just say "wow, glad you weren't hurt".

Why don't people get this stuff.....

Still Waters

I didn't get it BS08 - not until I saw the devastation of it first hand.

SailorKaren

I was in Bermuda last week, working on sound crew for a Mary J Blige concert, and one day early on we were walking in downtown Hamilton looking for a place to eat, and we passed a Bacardi headquarters. A bunch of folks in our group rushed across the street to stand in a group picture in front of the sign. There was a waterfall fountain in the landscaping, and someone said wouldn't it be great of that was rum instead of water? It was weird how they got all giddy, like they were in love. I found myself feeling repulsed (my ex loved Bacardi and coke). I had a couple of drinks during the trip, way more that the zero I've had for months now; I don't think I would have if I had been all by myself. And second hand smoke is the absolute worst -- even tiny amounts make my skin crawl, and I have to get away from it. I was so glad to get home and be away from all the bragging and smug talk, and the audio guy for the headliner who got in a huge fight with the caterer over a bag of chips.

Latte

I'm in recovery myself and I don't want to hear drinking/using stories either. I don't want to be around someone who is drunk. I don't mind if my husband has a drink (he is a normie) but he doesn't get drunk. I'm also a grownup so my tolerance for irresponsible childish behavior gets to me. I'm not talking about my 11 year old mouthing off, I expect that.

You aren't alone.

BS08

I actually had a little outburst at work yestereday. 2 coworker friends were talking about getting together for a drink at a local brewery and when I came over one said "you should come....oh wait. It's a brewery. You probably wouldn't want to come".:wtf2 I got mad. So I can't socialize or carry on a conversation if I don't have a 16oz in my hand?

So I asked if everyone was going to get an appetizer. They asked me what that had to do with anything. I told them I couldn't go unless everyone was eating. They said what does it matter? I said it's the same with the beer. It's doesn't matter whether I have a drink or not. It's the same thing. Then I had a bit of a rant about how I'm sick of everything revolving around alcohol and how everyone places such importance on something so stupid.

HoopNinja

I have the same intolerance for people who are drunk or high. With AH--it makes no difference if it is one drink or a hit because I know that is a good indication that I am only seeing the tip of the iceberg.
BS08 I understand seeing the damage it does to people because I used to be a criminal investigator and I don't know how many times I heard as a defense "I was drunk"--except of course for OWI. That was always, it was not me driving the car. My favorite for drugs was "They were not my pants. I borrowed them." I used to laugh that the same pair of pants must be traveling around the city full of dope.
Since DS has had to deal with AH I completely stopped drinking. I will occasionally have a glass of wine but not often.

I was a bartender in college too and talk about the things I would see. It was repulsive. No one could figure out why I would not drink at work. I wanted to just say--look around, does that look attrative to you. I had a friend who used to point at some unattractive woman in a bar and tell me he was going to drink her pretty. Ugh.

Learn2Live

Yup, ditto, agree, happens to me.
NO tolerance for those people.

It's part of my anger problem too. I just go ballistic on drunk people or addicts who force their way into my life. Scream, yell, throw things, break things, whatever, to get them the hell away from me. (Doesn't work).

I remember some time after I got sober and started Al-Anon and active Recovery, I noticed just how many bars and liquor stores there are. I noticed how this society is so focused on alcohol. And just because drugs are "illegal" does not mean they don't play a huge role in our lives-they do. Imagine if there were no alcohol and there were no drugs; imagine how many jobs would be LOST as a result. Really makes you think about our society and who is in power. In my state it is evidenced most recently by the fact that they now allow slot machines here. People are severely addicted to gambling, just like alcohol and drugs. They ALL go hand-in-hand. Makes me sick.

naive

thanks for this thread, it's very helpful in my new alcohol free life.

what i realized in the last few months of not drinking, is that pretty much all of my friends drink. i'm self-excluding myself from so many events nowadays, because i just can't handle being around people drinking to excess.

i actually find i'm hanging out with children a lot more. they are sober!

even watching a film bugs me, because in so many of them, they are drinking or someone gets drunk in a comedy, etc.

Learn2Live

I no longer have alcohol drinkers in my social life.
I guess that's why I HAVE no social life. LOL