How do I tell him to get sober or get out??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Tulsa, OK
Posts: 5
How do I tell him to get sober or get out??
Hi, I'm new here and it's so good to hear everyones story they are all alot like mine. I don't have the energy to replay and go over my WHOLE situation at this moment, maybe at a later time. I'll just try to quickly sum it up (if that is even possible).
My AH has cheated on me, lied to me, and stolen from me in the past. He went to rehab in January for a month and we stayed seperated for 4 more. In May we decided to get back together and he continued to stay in a sober house untill about a month ago he moved back in. I thought he was doing really well but I think I was wrong.
A week or so ago I found out that he was smoking pot again. He seems to forget that this is how this whole thing started in the first place. It was pot, pills and then turned into shooting up pills. He says atleast he will know when it gets bad this time and he will ask for help (yeah right!). He also just got a "job" but I'm not so sure the pieces are all fitting together. It would not suprise me if he is hanging out with his druggie friends for 10 hours each day (it's only been 2 days so far). I just have that sick panicky feeling and I hate that. Ignoring that last time only made things worse, I got so used to second guessing myself I felt like I was going crazy when I REALLY did know what was going on. I still can't believe my gut feeling was right back then!!
Do I tell him to fess up or he's out? If he does fess up how am I not gonna want to kick him out anyway? Or should I give him the option of if he quits from now on then he can stay if not, he's gone. I haven't really let him know my boundaries yet. Ugh, I know if this was anyone of my friends I'd think they were so stupid!! He has been so sweet to me and we have been getting along so well lately. We also have a daughter and he is very good with her...I just don't know what to do. I want to look for evidence and believe me I am so obsessed, I've looked through his jeep and his phone many of times and check up on his phone bills almost daily (I know I'm sick). I've attended 2 al-anon meetings so far and I really liked them and I plan on going more. I just don't know if I've hit my "bottom" yet. I don't think I have the guts to kick him out yet and I'm wondering if I ever will. I have that stupid happy family fantasy in my head and I don't know if I'm ready to let go. Please help!!
-Kristen
My AH has cheated on me, lied to me, and stolen from me in the past. He went to rehab in January for a month and we stayed seperated for 4 more. In May we decided to get back together and he continued to stay in a sober house untill about a month ago he moved back in. I thought he was doing really well but I think I was wrong.
A week or so ago I found out that he was smoking pot again. He seems to forget that this is how this whole thing started in the first place. It was pot, pills and then turned into shooting up pills. He says atleast he will know when it gets bad this time and he will ask for help (yeah right!). He also just got a "job" but I'm not so sure the pieces are all fitting together. It would not suprise me if he is hanging out with his druggie friends for 10 hours each day (it's only been 2 days so far). I just have that sick panicky feeling and I hate that. Ignoring that last time only made things worse, I got so used to second guessing myself I felt like I was going crazy when I REALLY did know what was going on. I still can't believe my gut feeling was right back then!!
Do I tell him to fess up or he's out? If he does fess up how am I not gonna want to kick him out anyway? Or should I give him the option of if he quits from now on then he can stay if not, he's gone. I haven't really let him know my boundaries yet. Ugh, I know if this was anyone of my friends I'd think they were so stupid!! He has been so sweet to me and we have been getting along so well lately. We also have a daughter and he is very good with her...I just don't know what to do. I want to look for evidence and believe me I am so obsessed, I've looked through his jeep and his phone many of times and check up on his phone bills almost daily (I know I'm sick). I've attended 2 al-anon meetings so far and I really liked them and I plan on going more. I just don't know if I've hit my "bottom" yet. I don't think I have the guts to kick him out yet and I'm wondering if I ever will. I have that stupid happy family fantasy in my head and I don't know if I'm ready to let go. Please help!!
-Kristen
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, welcome. you have come to a good place. there is a lot of wisdom, experience,support and love here. i want to say that you are someone important and we do care. keep reading and posting. others will be along shortly.
i'm a ra married but seperated to an addict. you are not alone here. i'll keep you and yours in my prayers
i'm a ra married but seperated to an addict. you are not alone here. i'll keep you and yours in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by NoOneImportant 
I haven't really let him know my boundaries yet.
So often, when we set boundaries, they tend to be attempts to control other people. When other people do not react in the way we want them to, we have a tendency to get mad, depressed, anxious and blame ourselves. It's a vicious cycle.
Boundaries are about you, what is acceptable to you, or not.
Is lying, cheating and stealing acceptable to you? Is supporting his sustained unemployment acceptable to you?
There is a world of difference between " you better and I will/will not"
Think about it.
.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
NoOneImportant
I am sorry for what you are going thru. As I read this I can feel your pain. And although you are not ready to let go, you are thinking and have went to some meetings. That is a good start. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I just wanted you to know that I care.
(And I think you are someone important)
Gotahavfaith
I am sorry for what you are going thru. As I read this I can feel your pain. And although you are not ready to let go, you are thinking and have went to some meetings. That is a good start. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I just wanted you to know that I care.
(And I think you are someone important)
Gotahavfaith
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi. I've been where you are at right now. What helped me the most was writing down my boundaries and writing down the consequences that would happen if someone violated them. If I wasn't willing to enforce the consequence, then it wasn't really a boundary. It helped me get real honest with myself about the kind of treatment I was willing to accept from other people.
For example, my ex lied and cheated on me more than once. And I told him it was over each time. But it really wasn't. I caved everytime. That got me wondering why in the world I was willing to allow myself to be treated like garbage and keep going back for more. I learned I was sick. Sicker than my ex in many ways. I started focusing more on me. I started working on myself. I started getting better. Then eventually, I was able to set real boundaries and stick with them. I got my self respect back and I got my life back.
I wish that for you too.
For example, my ex lied and cheated on me more than once. And I told him it was over each time. But it really wasn't. I caved everytime. That got me wondering why in the world I was willing to allow myself to be treated like garbage and keep going back for more. I learned I was sick. Sicker than my ex in many ways. I started focusing more on me. I started working on myself. I started getting better. Then eventually, I was able to set real boundaries and stick with them. I got my self respect back and I got my life back.
I wish that for you too.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
As F&F of active A's, or even A's in recovery, or anybody for that matter, I've found that we have two major things in our arsenal.......: Ultimatums and Boundaries.
Ultimatums are when we try to control the A's behavior (ie: if you want to live in this house you will not drink/use; if you do, you're out), and I've usually found these to be a total waste of time......unless I have the strength to physically put the A out.....not!!
therefore..............
I stick with Boundaries; these have all to do with me and what I'm willing to accept; what I'm willing to live with.....and if not, what I will do......for ME (ie: if the A drinks or uses, I will leave). Like others have said, I must be willing to do what I say; no waffling. I've also found that I don't always need to tell the A of my boundaries; after all, they're only for me and my actions, and NOT to influence the A's actions.....
You sound like a very strong/able woman; just in a bit of a funk right now. My only suggestion, for now, would be to ask yourself just what you're willing to accept; what you're willing to live with..... (o:
NoelleR
Ultimatums are when we try to control the A's behavior (ie: if you want to live in this house you will not drink/use; if you do, you're out), and I've usually found these to be a total waste of time......unless I have the strength to physically put the A out.....not!!
therefore..............
I stick with Boundaries; these have all to do with me and what I'm willing to accept; what I'm willing to live with.....and if not, what I will do......for ME (ie: if the A drinks or uses, I will leave). Like others have said, I must be willing to do what I say; no waffling. I've also found that I don't always need to tell the A of my boundaries; after all, they're only for me and my actions, and NOT to influence the A's actions.....
You sound like a very strong/able woman; just in a bit of a funk right now. My only suggestion, for now, would be to ask yourself just what you're willing to accept; what you're willing to live with..... (o:
NoelleR
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Wise words above, boundaries are safety zones I set for myself, preparing to change myself if my circumstances are not tolerable. They are not about changing anyone else, just making clear what is and is not acceptable in MY life
and deciding what I might need to do to enforce them.
I used to tell my son my boundaries and then he could choose whether to live in my home and respect them or live any place else and I'd love him just as much.
It's a fine line between boundaries and rules or ultimatums, but once you get the hang of it it becomes clear.
Hugs
and deciding what I might need to do to enforce them.
I used to tell my son my boundaries and then he could choose whether to live in my home and respect them or live any place else and I'd love him just as much.
It's a fine line between boundaries and rules or ultimatums, but once you get the hang of it it becomes clear.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Everyone has explained boundaries well so i wont elaborate on that.
but i would say that its much more miserable living with an addict when you are always trying to find out what they are doing - you'll drive yourself crazy. A couple of things i learned were:
my life was better when i wasnt focused on catching my AS
when i was searching for evidence AS got more evasive - when i stopped looking his addiction showed itself on its own (and i wasnt as stressed)
when I caught AS he blamed me - when it came out without any influence from me he couldnt blame me and had to face it alone.
focusing on my own life helped me regain my sanity - detachment is the best thing for us and many times helps them more then us trying to control the situation.
but i would say that its much more miserable living with an addict when you are always trying to find out what they are doing - you'll drive yourself crazy. A couple of things i learned were:
my life was better when i wasnt focused on catching my AS
when i was searching for evidence AS got more evasive - when i stopped looking his addiction showed itself on its own (and i wasnt as stressed)
when I caught AS he blamed me - when it came out without any influence from me he couldnt blame me and had to face it alone.
focusing on my own life helped me regain my sanity - detachment is the best thing for us and many times helps them more then us trying to control the situation.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Taking the focus of the A and putting it back on you is good, but it can be real hard to put into practice when the A is doing things that directly affect you--taking your money, cheating on you (exposes you to disease), not working (affects your household finances). I personally couldn't live like that. Being with an addict is kind of like being on drugs. You'll keep going until the pain of being with him is less than the pain of being alone. Have you read the book Codependent No More, by Melodie Beatty? It changed my life. I also think alanon is a great idea for you, and commend you on starting meetings! Now, get yourself a sponsor and begin your recovery! After all, your recovery is the only one you can really control!
Love,
KJ
Love,
KJ
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hello-Kitty said:
This is what I went through too. I don't know if anyone else is like me but it took me 12years from the time I realized I was sick and started working on ME to get to the point where I realized I have weak boundaries and started working on them. So, it seems everyone learns and changes according to their own time.
I learned I was sick. Sicker than my ex in many ways. I started focusing more on me. I started working on myself. I started getting better. Then eventually, I was able to set real boundaries and stick with them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 17
Hello, sorry for all of the pain you are going through. Something that struck me what you saying that your GUT was right, guess what listen to your gut again. Stick to your word. I have an alcoholic father and a drug addicted brother, my gut is always right when it comes to them using. My mom has had to kick my brother out of the house, its not easy because you LOVE them. Listen to your gut please, you deserve a life, you deserve peace in your life. If someone in your life is causing this much pain, what use is this person in your life? He will start with pot, and then replase again. YOU do not need to watch that again. He has taken part of YOUR life from you. Dealing with an addict is so so hard, I am sure so many on SR understand.
Bottom line, YOU are in control of YOUR life, so stand up for yourself. You need peace, when he is better than he can come back in your life when your ready. You are not being selfish taking time for yourself, because I am sure you have giving him so much of your life.
My prayers are with you, please let me know how things work out.
Remember take care of YOU. That is the most important. :ghug3
Bottom line, YOU are in control of YOUR life, so stand up for yourself. You need peace, when he is better than he can come back in your life when your ready. You are not being selfish taking time for yourself, because I am sure you have giving him so much of your life.
My prayers are with you, please let me know how things work out.
Remember take care of YOU. That is the most important. :ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Tulsa, OK
Posts: 5
Thank you all for your replies and prayers. I am still trying to take in all the advice and step back and take a look at my life, my wants, and my needs. I've bought several al-anon books ("One day at a time in Al-anon" and "Courage to Change")and they are so amazing. I was also starting to read "Co-dependant No More" but got side tracked with all the other books I got 
I'm still not sure on what boundaries I am going to set for myself. I am gonna take hello-kitty's suggestion by writing them down. I have been carrying a notebook around to put my thoughts down which seems to help me a bit. You guys are right about not threatining to end things or kick someone out unless you are really going to DO it. I am not ready to do those things...yet. I have found that when I do make those empty threats it really hurts me, my husband, and our marriage. I am known for blowing up and being somewhat verbaly abusive at times towards my husband and I think it has been a way for me to "get back" at him and I am trying to learn and control what I say which has been a two steps forward THREE steps back kinda thing for me but I am glad I am more aware of the things I've been doing.
I'm still very unsure about many things in my marriage all I know is that I do love my husband and I wish the best for him. I have a lot of things to work on. Thank you guys again.
I'm still not sure on what boundaries I am going to set for myself. I am gonna take hello-kitty's suggestion by writing them down. I have been carrying a notebook around to put my thoughts down which seems to help me a bit. You guys are right about not threatining to end things or kick someone out unless you are really going to DO it. I am not ready to do those things...yet. I have found that when I do make those empty threats it really hurts me, my husband, and our marriage. I am known for blowing up and being somewhat verbaly abusive at times towards my husband and I think it has been a way for me to "get back" at him and I am trying to learn and control what I say which has been a two steps forward THREE steps back kinda thing for me but I am glad I am more aware of the things I've been doing.
I'm still very unsure about many things in my marriage all I know is that I do love my husband and I wish the best for him. I have a lot of things to work on. Thank you guys again.
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