chrisfire

so I just posted in the Aug Sobriety group I caved last night, i held on to that beer for the longest time and looked at it..I don't even like beer. I'm for the wine.. My mate and I stayed up very late talking, I fessed that I'd been stress drinking and he laughed at me, he thinks I'm over-reacting. And we talked about the fireman that's helped make me a mess.
Y'know I feel like I'm just losing my mind here. I can't escape the stress, so I have one to ease it..I keep thinking of Louise Hay's "101 Power Thoughts for Life" and how she says "We are never stuck". About a year ago, I listened to that cd til I wore scratches in it, it was my only way to focus on me.
I am a co-dependent and enabler, I stopped loving my mate two years ago when he began his barbed nagging and blamegames, and I was actually on a journey of healing my inner self and detaching, but still drinking. I can't believe my rotten luck that when I was wide open to accept love and change and love myself, including remembering that my body's a temple, that the most screwed-up new love stepped inside and seriously screwed me up further than I was, and fireman's got such a grip on me. It's strong, it's really strong love, not necessarily healthy though.
I've been searching for a therapist here that can actually help me break this spell I let myself be put under.. I'm still under this "magical umbrella" of thinking I can help him, that if only he'd realize he's got a serious drinking issue we could help each other.. but that's complete BS, fireman has to help himself. I have to fix me. He has to fix him..it breaks my heart to pieces thinking about all this. Being in love can really really SUCK and I'm just spinnin' my wheels.
But according to Louise Hay, "We are never Stuck. We can always change our way of thinking." I have to remember this almost every hour lately. Along with the Serenity Prayer.
I keep telling my mate he must let me go for a while, I have to break this drama love triangle. He won't let go of me.
My biggest fear aside from losing my daughter to this craziness is that I'll slip into the bottle to escape. Either wine or a pill. Either does the trick.
This mess might be better suited at this point for the Mental Health Forum thanks for reading. Just venting, and I'll listen to whatever you'd like to say. I think its time for ME to make the changes, break the spell, whatever it takes.
I'd really love the support here.

chrisfire

nelco, I'm so new I to the forum that I have to post more before I can PM back..thank you so much for checking up on me.. I hope your day is a beautiful day to experience

tommyk

Chris - we all make choices that effect our lives, and our daily doings.

Ask yourself... do these people really need to let go of you...?

Or... do you need to stand up and do a few things for yourself?

I read a phrase once that really hit home with me, it said, "Don't be anyone's puppet..".

I pull my own strings these days.

Keep coming back.

chrisfire

My instinct tells me to pull back and work on myself, and I do feel like a puppet most days.. LOL chew thru those strings someday...
I have arranged for a place to stay, for some tangible space, which is what I wanted to do all along, I KNOW things are screwed up and I'm seriously needing to take the Steps and do some soul work. It's hard though, my mate keeps FIGHTING ME with this decision, and there's my daughter to consider, this is hard for her ..but I guess it's as hard and as complicated as I want to make it

Astro

Of course you're welcome to post wherever you'd like, but the Newcomers forum is a great place to get lots of support, I think your topic is very appropriate for early recovery.

I drank over stress, I drank on weekends, weekdays, and holidays, I drank every day that ended in D-A-Y, and in the end I knew that couldn't happen anymore, the jig was up and there was nothing left to drink over safely. I had to get sober for myself and no one else, I had to abstain 100%, I couldn't take a drink no matter what.

Anna

Hi Chris,

I drank for every mood in my life, and before very long, I remember thinking, "I hav to drink, how else can I get through this?". I had a long way to go, but believe that you can deal with life and you don't need alcohol to do so.

chrisfire

thanks Astro
my mate's favorite thing was always to say i was Over-Reacting.
And last nite..well, I laid it out to him, and he said it again.
Augh. that made me even more angry.

ventuhome

There are lots of people on this forum that are chemically dependent and co-dependent. Come on over and visit the friends and Family pages anytime. You DO have to take care of yourself (and your daughter, if she is a minor).

Astro

I got called passive-aggressive the other day. Ouch. The truth hurts me hardest sometimes

chrisfire

Yes. I'm a Taurus, though most call me a stubborn mule instead. It's hard for me to see my faults. *sigh* so much easier not to deal with faults. But look at where it gets ya. I just want to relax my grip a lil and let Him help me through this, I haven't talked to Him in years..

nelco

Hi Chrisfire, just noticing this thread now. Sorry you drank again. It all sounds sooooo familiar. The drink and then long chats about the problem. Nothing will change untill the drinking stops Im afraid. you need to look for the solution now. Its impossible to sort out all that crazyness around you while the crazyness goes on in your head. I read ALL those inspirational books too,......louise hays, melody Beattie, all those books on co.dependancy, feel the fear, the list is endless.......none were any use while I was abusing alcohol, or using alcohol as a solution to my problem. They all took on a whole new meaning when I left alcohol to my past. Life is very good when you start owning your own behaviour, Its scary at the start but so worth it,..... so come on put on the big girl pants and take an action on that alcohol, make a call, get support, go to a meeting, get numbers, support. It works, if you work it. xxx

tommyk

Does drinking really even do anything to alleviate stress?

chrisfire

putting on my big girl pants is hard to do. I'm pretty fired up right now, there's no Xanax in my system and I'm going to have my couple's counseling in one hour..Al-Anon meeting tonight.. and its taking everything I've got to keep it together at work, thank god its not that busy LOL you know, I haven't smoked in years, been dreaming about smoking, I won't go that route but oh it does sound so good.. NO NO NO no more addictions.

Thanks guys. I will gladly bend over for a swift joyful kick in the pants from you all anytime.

nelco

do let us know how you go............were all here for each other!

lauraandersen4

This zodiac thing made me laugh a little bit. I don't buy into a lot of astrology junk, but I read that Pisces (which I am) are known for being escapist and unreasonably stubborn. So hey... If my husband again says "why do you have to drink so much every night?" The response should be "free pass, I'm a pisces. ::leaves room:: ?" Don't hide behind your zodiac sign

It isn't the Taurus in you that doesn't want to see your own faults. It is the human in you that doesn't want to see them! Something we all pretty much have in common.. and by all, I mean PEOPLE

Tazman53

Why are you letting him own you? You should let go of him!

I would suggest listening to your instincts, that very well could be your HP telling you something!

BINGO!!!! TAKE THE STEPS!!!!! Take the steps to HEART!!!!!

Who is running your life? Your mate?

The easiest thing to do is DO IT!

You say you are going to Alanon, are you going to AA?

Take care of your self and your probelm first, for your own sake and the sake of your daughter.

BTW the only reason your mate is saying you are over reacting is to where he can continue to drink guilt free.

I am an alcoholic and I had an enabler for many years, she kept trying to fix me, protect me, care for me not knowing that all she was really doing was helping me continue to drink.

I quit when she quit enabling, when she quit enabling me I was able to see that my drinking was a problem and I was going to die if I did not quit. My enabler was all but gone at that point, I quit drinking for myself and as a nice by product of that she stuck around.

Hon you are saying all the right things, but you are doing NOTHING!!!!

Time to step up to the plate for your own sake as well as your daughters.