not comfortable in my own skin
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
not comfortable in my own skin
although i'm back to 13 days clean...I still have no desire to write, along with no desire to exercise, and very little desire to meditate and instead I’m having too much coffee and cigarettes and food. But I am praying in the morning, through the day, and at night; I’m praying more and more. I’m praying for acceptance, gratitude, and humility. I’m praying for my mom, that I can stop resenting her. I’m praying for help to not use and to want to stay clean more than I want to use. Yet still I want to drink sometimes too, but playing out the tape always leads me back to the same place, from the past, to my addiction.
It would be good to add “letting go of my wants and my will and my ego” to my prayers.
I say I’m not comfortable in my own skin but do I really WANT TO BE comfortable in my skin? Actually I think that what I want is for the discomfort to go away. I don’t have the desire to be comfortable in my skin...rather I merely want it to go away and so I do all kinds of things, even in recovery, to numb the discomfort away like cigarettes, coffee, TV/movies, food, sleep, and fantasy. And this in effect is my choice every day: to want to die--as these things kill the life that lives within my own skin. It would be good to add this to my prayers as well: “Please god help me to want to be comfortable in my own skin and to live”.
It would be good to add “letting go of my wants and my will and my ego” to my prayers.
I say I’m not comfortable in my own skin but do I really WANT TO BE comfortable in my skin? Actually I think that what I want is for the discomfort to go away. I don’t have the desire to be comfortable in my skin...rather I merely want it to go away and so I do all kinds of things, even in recovery, to numb the discomfort away like cigarettes, coffee, TV/movies, food, sleep, and fantasy. And this in effect is my choice every day: to want to die--as these things kill the life that lives within my own skin. It would be good to add this to my prayers as well: “Please god help me to want to be comfortable in my own skin and to live”.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,051
For being 13 days C&S you're doing so many things very right, and making great progress. Please take the time to be gentle on yourself and take a pat on the back for your effort.
I have a pretty good idea of how that feels, I spent my first 5 months of recovery just wanting to die, stuffing my face with sweets cuz it made me feel better temporarily, sleeping or lying in bed and staring at the ceiling rather than facing the life ahead of me.
Success in recovery started in small increments. Screwing up the courage to take a walk one day, then a week later I took a bicycle ride. I ate frozen meals for those 5 months, then I decided to get a little crazy and attempt the gourmet cooking that I used to love to do. One day I sat outside at a coffee shop and people-watched, the next weekend I was invited to sit with a group of AA'ers at the same place and suddenly I felt surrounded by new friends.
I wanted everything to happen right away, to have a happy life and put my miserable past behind me. But I had to take it in baby steps, and looking back it was probably best that way. It took 27 years for me to find recovery, surely it might take more than a couple weeks to put together the beautiful life I have now
I have a pretty good idea of how that feels, I spent my first 5 months of recovery just wanting to die, stuffing my face with sweets cuz it made me feel better temporarily, sleeping or lying in bed and staring at the ceiling rather than facing the life ahead of me.
Success in recovery started in small increments. Screwing up the courage to take a walk one day, then a week later I took a bicycle ride. I ate frozen meals for those 5 months, then I decided to get a little crazy and attempt the gourmet cooking that I used to love to do. One day I sat outside at a coffee shop and people-watched, the next weekend I was invited to sit with a group of AA'ers at the same place and suddenly I felt surrounded by new friends.
I wanted everything to happen right away, to have a happy life and put my miserable past behind me. But I had to take it in baby steps, and looking back it was probably best that way. It took 27 years for me to find recovery, surely it might take more than a couple weeks to put together the beautiful life I have now
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 257
I numbed the discomfort away with cigarettes, coffee, TV/movies, food, sleep, and fantasy as well. After a month, I started to deal with more. Just keep on being good to yourself and realize that the misery will pass. I know you know this already. Just wanted you to know that I read your post and understand.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 957
ksplash5,
""not comfortable in my own skin" Wow, same here friend, smoking and drinking wayyyyyyyyyyyyy to much coffee.
"although i'm back to 13 days clean...I still have no desire to write, along with no desire to exercise, and very little desire to meditate and instead I’m having too much coffee and cigarettes and food. But I am praying in the morning, through the day, and at night; I’m praying more and more. I’m praying for acceptance, gratitude, and humility. I’m praying for my mom, that I can stop resenting her. I’m praying for help to not use and to want to stay clean more than I want to use. Yet still I want to drink sometimes too, but playing out the tape always leads me back to the same place, from the past, to my addiction."
May I ask why you resent your Mom? And, yes, I want to drink too, but I can't. I do not have another "yet" in me.
It would be good to add “letting go of my wants and my will and my ego” to my prayers.
I say I’m not comfortable in my own skin but do I really WANT TO BE comfortable in my skin? Actually I think that what I want is for the discomfort to go away. I don’t have the desire to be comfortable in my skin...rather I merely want it to go away and so I do all kinds of things, even in recovery, to numb the discomfort away like cigarettes, coffee, TV/movies, food, sleep, and fantasy.
" And this in effect is my choice every day: to want to die--as these things kill the life that lives within my own skin. It would be good to add this to my prayers as well: “Please god help me to want to be comfortable in my own skin and to live”.
Just keep praying, relax, take care of your self.
""not comfortable in my own skin" Wow, same here friend, smoking and drinking wayyyyyyyyyyyyy to much coffee.
"although i'm back to 13 days clean...I still have no desire to write, along with no desire to exercise, and very little desire to meditate and instead I’m having too much coffee and cigarettes and food. But I am praying in the morning, through the day, and at night; I’m praying more and more. I’m praying for acceptance, gratitude, and humility. I’m praying for my mom, that I can stop resenting her. I’m praying for help to not use and to want to stay clean more than I want to use. Yet still I want to drink sometimes too, but playing out the tape always leads me back to the same place, from the past, to my addiction."
May I ask why you resent your Mom? And, yes, I want to drink too, but I can't. I do not have another "yet" in me.
It would be good to add “letting go of my wants and my will and my ego” to my prayers.
I say I’m not comfortable in my own skin but do I really WANT TO BE comfortable in my skin? Actually I think that what I want is for the discomfort to go away. I don’t have the desire to be comfortable in my skin...rather I merely want it to go away and so I do all kinds of things, even in recovery, to numb the discomfort away like cigarettes, coffee, TV/movies, food, sleep, and fantasy.
" And this in effect is my choice every day: to want to die--as these things kill the life that lives within my own skin. It would be good to add this to my prayers as well: “Please god help me to want to be comfortable in my own skin and to live”.
Just keep praying, relax, take care of your self.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
It took me a while to get to like myself; to like being in my own company; to be comfortable in my own skin, BUT when I did, I found it was truly worth it.....except for one tiny caveat............
When you get to this point, be careful who you tell....I found that some folks don't want to hear it; this new good news/fortune (especially some folks in AA--those who haven't quite made it, yet---note I'm not saying ALL AAer's, just SOME).
When I was finally comfortable in my own skin, I couldn't wait to tell some folks, and since AAer's were my main friends, they are who I told. I told folks, "Wow, I'm finally there....! I'm so comfortable in my own skin, I sometimes prefer my own company to that of others," to which they replied, "Uh oh; be careful; sounds like isolating to me." LOLOL
What I learned was that good ole honest Abe was right....: You can please all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time." (paraphrased; one word changed)
Just keep on trudgin' ksplash5; it's worth it.
NoelleR
When you get to this point, be careful who you tell....I found that some folks don't want to hear it; this new good news/fortune (especially some folks in AA--those who haven't quite made it, yet---note I'm not saying ALL AAer's, just SOME).
When I was finally comfortable in my own skin, I couldn't wait to tell some folks, and since AAer's were my main friends, they are who I told. I told folks, "Wow, I'm finally there....! I'm so comfortable in my own skin, I sometimes prefer my own company to that of others," to which they replied, "Uh oh; be careful; sounds like isolating to me." LOLOL
What I learned was that good ole honest Abe was right....: You can please all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time." (paraphrased; one word changed)
Just keep on trudgin' ksplash5; it's worth it.
NoelleR
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
Drinking/using didn't make you more comfortable either, right?
I'd suggest speaking with a few people in AA/NA who have experienced what you are going through
I'd suggest speaking with a few people in AA/NA who have experienced what you are going through
the thing is...in the past i don't think about afterwards when i'VE used. all i want is instant relief and i've let go of my recovery tools and went the old way.
this time there is one difference in my recovery from the other times of sucessful abstinance in the last year, and that is I am now praying in the morning, night, and through the day.
i've never had a problem going to meetings, and in fact that part of my recovery has been stronger than ever as i've gained a group of people who are very supportive of me no matter what and who i appreciate very much. people who are perhaps similar minded in many areas, and who's difference i accept and honor as they do mine as well.
my plan is to keep doing the things that are working, with this addition of prayer. and to keep an open mind to taking more action as well
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by ksplash5 
i've never had a problem going to meetings, and in fact that part of my recovery has been stronger than ever as i've gained a group of people who are very supportive of me no matter what and who i appreciate very much. people who are perhaps similar minded in many areas, and who's difference i accept and honor as they do mine as well.
It does take time to be comfortable in your own skin, but it can happen!
:ghug2
Resident grateful guy!
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Bloomington, Mn.
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by ksplash5
although i'm back to 13 days clean...I still have no desire to write, along with no desire to exercise, and very little desire to meditate and instead I’m having too much coffee and cigarettes and food. But I am praying in the morning, through the day, and at night; I’m praying more and more. I’m praying for acceptance, gratitude, and humility. I’m praying for my mom, that I can stop resenting her. I’m praying for help to not use and to want to stay clean more than I want to use. Yet still I want to drink sometimes too, but playing out the tape always leads me back to the same place, from the past, to my addiction.
It would be good to add “letting go of my wants and my will and my ego” to my prayers.
I say I’m not comfortable in my own skin but do I really WANT TO BE comfortable in my skin? Actually I think that what I want is for the discomfort to go away. I don’t have the desire to be comfortable in my skin...rather I merely want it to go away and so I do all kinds of things, even in recovery, to numb the discomfort away like cigarettes, coffee, TV/movies, food, sleep, and fantasy. And this in effect is my choice every day: to want to die--as these things kill the life that lives within my own skin. It would be good to add this to my prayers as well: “Please god help me to want to be comfortable in my own skin and to live”.
It would be good to add “letting go of my wants and my will and my ego” to my prayers.
I say I’m not comfortable in my own skin but do I really WANT TO BE comfortable in my skin? Actually I think that what I want is for the discomfort to go away. I don’t have the desire to be comfortable in my skin...rather I merely want it to go away and so I do all kinds of things, even in recovery, to numb the discomfort away like cigarettes, coffee, TV/movies, food, sleep, and fantasy. And this in effect is my choice every day: to want to die--as these things kill the life that lives within my own skin. It would be good to add this to my prayers as well: “Please god help me to want to be comfortable in my own skin and to live”.
"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not.
They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
They will always materialize if we work for them."
:praying
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I believe what you are talking about when you say 'not comfortable in my own skin' is really that BIG HOLE in your gut, you know the one, the one that is big enough to drive and 18 wheeler through.
Now how to heal the hole? Well, meetings are a great start. Get a sponsor and most important LISTEN to your sponsor. Start working the steps with your sponsor. Go to lots and lots of meetings and don't drink in between. If the urge arise, call someone from the phone numbers you have hopefully collected.
Prayer is great! However, prayer without action isn't going anywhere. You as I did, will have to take ACTION. When I wasn't at work, or fulfilling my duties where I lived, I was in meetings, or with my sponsor, or in the meetings after the meetings (coffee with other sober members of AA). It was the only place I felt safe, and there were many times they kept me at the coffee shop until after 2AM (the closing time for liquor stores and bars, lol). But it worked. I stayed sober, even when I felt I needed or wanted a drink.
And the days built up. I started working the steps with my sponsor and that BIG HOLE started to close, slowly but surely it started to close. By about 6 months alcohol and/or drugs were no longer an option for me, the OBSESSION had been lifted.
You can do this, you know you can. Yes, early recovery can be uncomfortable, very uncomfortable, but something I figured out pretty quick was that as uncomfortable as I was in early recovery, it was still a hell of a lot better than when I was drinking. I was waking up, not coming to. I knew what I had done the night before. I was physically starting to feel better than I had felt in a long long time.
So, I M H O you are on the right path. You just need to 'add' some more 'action' to your plan.
You can do this! I know you can.
Love and hugs,
Now how to heal the hole? Well, meetings are a great start. Get a sponsor and most important LISTEN to your sponsor. Start working the steps with your sponsor. Go to lots and lots of meetings and don't drink in between. If the urge arise, call someone from the phone numbers you have hopefully collected.
Prayer is great! However, prayer without action isn't going anywhere. You as I did, will have to take ACTION. When I wasn't at work, or fulfilling my duties where I lived, I was in meetings, or with my sponsor, or in the meetings after the meetings (coffee with other sober members of AA). It was the only place I felt safe, and there were many times they kept me at the coffee shop until after 2AM (the closing time for liquor stores and bars, lol). But it worked. I stayed sober, even when I felt I needed or wanted a drink.
And the days built up. I started working the steps with my sponsor and that BIG HOLE started to close, slowly but surely it started to close. By about 6 months alcohol and/or drugs were no longer an option for me, the OBSESSION had been lifted.
You can do this, you know you can. Yes, early recovery can be uncomfortable, very uncomfortable, but something I figured out pretty quick was that as uncomfortable as I was in early recovery, it was still a hell of a lot better than when I was drinking. I was waking up, not coming to. I knew what I had done the night before. I was physically starting to feel better than I had felt in a long long time.
So, I M H O you are on the right path. You just need to 'add' some more 'action' to your plan.
You can do this! I know you can.
Love and hugs,
hypercube
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 306
One step at a time, ksplash5. Healing is a slow process. You've done so well to get where you are. Forgive yourself for the cigarettes, coffee, TV and sleep, you're in survival mode right now. Little by little the discomfort will decrease and you'll be able to take bigger steps towards recovery. The illusion of "I was happier using/drinking" is what keeps the cycle going.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
The longer I stay clean and sober the better things get ksplash - the more I'm able to evaluate myself clearly, and the more I'm able to work effectively on those parts of me I can do better with.
I actually like myself these days, which is a miracle really. It can be your miracle too - if you want it and can wait for it.
I had to just accept I had no business wanting instant relief. It was never relief anyway - it was temporary oblivion, which is nowhere near the same thing.
I'm not a masochist - but I really believe there is an opportunity for growth in getting through the situations and feelings I used to run away from. And you're never alone in having to get through them
'Instant relief' will either kill you, or worse, make you wish you where dead, ksplash.
D
I actually like myself these days, which is a miracle really. It can be your miracle too - if you want it and can wait for it.
I had to just accept I had no business wanting instant relief. It was never relief anyway - it was temporary oblivion, which is nowhere near the same thing.
I'm not a masochist - but I really believe there is an opportunity for growth in getting through the situations and feelings I used to run away from. And you're never alone in having to get through them
'Instant relief' will either kill you, or worse, make you wish you where dead, ksplash.
D
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 111
I merely want it to go away and so I do all kinds of things, even in recovery, to numb the discomfort away like cigarettes, coffee, TV/movies, food, sleep, and fantasy. And this in effect is my choice every day: to want to die--as these things kill the life that lives within my own skin. It would be good to add this to my prayers as well: “Please god help me to want to be comfortable in my own skin and to live”.
ps: i love my crazy cat and love his meow.
bh
Last edited by brokenhalo; 08-08-2009 at 06:48 PM.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
thanks all for your responses....
a day has passed and i've had some relief. yesterday i visited with my mom for a few hours. i've carried resentments and intolerance towards her for years, and always get all worked up when i know that i will be seeing her. well yesterday was different. i was more tolerant and i saw her love for me and her forgiveness. in seeing that i was able to open up and i felt a lightness from the weighted burdens that i've carried for so long. i'm so glad for our time together yesterday. funny, perhaps my prayers helped us along and readied me to be open and willing to make amends, in effect. in wasn't a conscious 9 step per say, but it was more healing than any 9 step work i have ever done with her or anyone else.
wanted to share that. i'm going to keep praying for things. yesterday I wrote a prayer as i was preparing myself to be more open for the visit with my mom. here is the prayer:
I pray for help right now and in all of this day. I pray that I can become quiet and humble and have a quiet focus upon creation as I pray.
I pray that I may accept people just as they are; knowing that I need ALL the people that are in my life. I pray for gratitude, that I am thankful for the security and health and friends that I have, and especially for my very life: my thoughts and wonder and fears and love.
I pray that I may continue to forgive, forgive, and forgive myself over and over again. I pray for the willingness to especially forgive my mother. I pray that I may know that her actions are about her. I pray that I can become free of the resentments I hold—that I don’t have to carry them around anymore.
Help me let go of my anger at myself and at the world and at god. And help me let go of the negativity in my thoughts and to open my heart to possibility.
I pray that I may be comfortable in my own skin, and when I am not that I may be able to feel this discomfort and not run away from it but walk through it
I pray to be renewed, and filled with Love and compassion; and to let wonder into my home and every fabric of my being.
I pray that I may open my heart to your great creation right now. Oh how I want to get me ready to let you in.
a day has passed and i've had some relief. yesterday i visited with my mom for a few hours. i've carried resentments and intolerance towards her for years, and always get all worked up when i know that i will be seeing her. well yesterday was different. i was more tolerant and i saw her love for me and her forgiveness. in seeing that i was able to open up and i felt a lightness from the weighted burdens that i've carried for so long. i'm so glad for our time together yesterday. funny, perhaps my prayers helped us along and readied me to be open and willing to make amends, in effect. in wasn't a conscious 9 step per say, but it was more healing than any 9 step work i have ever done with her or anyone else.
wanted to share that. i'm going to keep praying for things. yesterday I wrote a prayer as i was preparing myself to be more open for the visit with my mom. here is the prayer:
I pray for help right now and in all of this day. I pray that I can become quiet and humble and have a quiet focus upon creation as I pray.
I pray that I may accept people just as they are; knowing that I need ALL the people that are in my life. I pray for gratitude, that I am thankful for the security and health and friends that I have, and especially for my very life: my thoughts and wonder and fears and love.
I pray that I may continue to forgive, forgive, and forgive myself over and over again. I pray for the willingness to especially forgive my mother. I pray that I may know that her actions are about her. I pray that I can become free of the resentments I hold—that I don’t have to carry them around anymore.
Help me let go of my anger at myself and at the world and at god. And help me let go of the negativity in my thoughts and to open my heart to possibility.
I pray that I may be comfortable in my own skin, and when I am not that I may be able to feel this discomfort and not run away from it but walk through it
I pray to be renewed, and filled with Love and compassion; and to let wonder into my home and every fabric of my being.
I pray that I may open my heart to your great creation right now. Oh how I want to get me ready to let you in.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I have no words of wisdom, or maybe even no words of comfort for you. All I can honestly tell you is that I too am uncomfortable in my own skin. It's very esay not liking myself, and it's a very longstanding habit that can be hard to break. My 'head' knows that self hatred is a self fulfilling prophecy and only fuels more self hatred. It also makes it hard to make progress, to grow spiritually, as hating myself makes it too easy not to do anything about it. As long as I hate myself I'm 'content' to just hate myself and not work on loving myself for the wonderful creation I am.
But, like so much else, it's easier said than done, and tho I know I need to "let go and let God" it's 'easier' to just stay stuck in self loathing and feeling uncomfortable with who I am.
I pray you find some relief in yourself soon and that you can be comfortable being yourself. I'm sorry I can't be of more help to you.
:ghug3
But, like so much else, it's easier said than done, and tho I know I need to "let go and let God" it's 'easier' to just stay stuck in self loathing and feeling uncomfortable with who I am.
I pray you find some relief in yourself soon and that you can be comfortable being yourself. I'm sorry I can't be of more help to you.
:ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
My 'head' knows that self hatred is a self fulfilling prophecy and only fuels more self hatred. It also makes it hard to make progress, to grow spiritually, as hating myself makes it too easy not to do anything about it. As long as I hate myself I'm 'content' to just hate myself and not work on loving myself for the wonderful creation I am.
But, like so much else, it's easier said than done, and tho I know I need to "let go and let God" it's 'easier' to just stay stuck in self loathing and feeling uncomfortable with who I am.
But, like so much else, it's easier said than done, and tho I know I need to "let go and let God" it's 'easier' to just stay stuck in self loathing and feeling uncomfortable with who I am.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Ksplash I am going to say something with love so I want you to understand that before I say it.
Take the damn steps with your sponsor ASAP.
If you do not have a sponsor get one and take the steps.
I found comfort in my own skin through the steps. The steps have taken me to a place where alcohol is not a solution to anything in my life. The steps have led me to a new solution for life, a solution that works for me, it has allowed me to live life on lifes terms sober.
Prayer is pretty useless unless there is ACTION on your part!
If you pray to have a mountain moved, the mountain is not going to move unless you bring a shovel to help move it!
Take the damn steps with your sponsor ASAP.
If you do not have a sponsor get one and take the steps.
I found comfort in my own skin through the steps. The steps have taken me to a place where alcohol is not a solution to anything in my life. The steps have led me to a new solution for life, a solution that works for me, it has allowed me to live life on lifes terms sober.
Prayer is pretty useless unless there is ACTION on your part!
If you pray to have a mountain moved, the mountain is not going to move unless you bring a shovel to help move it!
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