going to Al-Anon, maybe I need AA instead
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going to Al-Anon, maybe I need AA instead
Not used to forums, so bear with me please, hope I do this right.
I've been in a relationship for 9 yrs w/ average guy, he drinks socially, some verbal abuse, commitment only up to a point (all but the wedding..we have in vitro child, house, business, cars, just no marriage) and I turned into a workaholic over three yrs, running our biz solo, getting angrier with no help from him, and we lost our connection completely. Over two yrs, we had tragedies..family deaths, our house split in two from storms..our baby had surgery..I kept hounding him for counseling. He said if I needed to go, fine. He didn't need help. He'd shut down on me completely by then. And worse yet, the stress took its toll. I began to drink more wine every night, I was suffering heart problems, feeling like I would just explode from resentment. that well over a year ago. I've always been faithful to him, never looked twice at another guy.
Till last September.
I was listening to Louise Hay, finding my inner self, practicing love with detachment from my mate, focusing on our daughter, trying so hard, still drinking my nightly wine..floundering. The most beautiful fireman entered my life in September, and all I can say is I was rescued, he rescued my heart, my soul. I don't know what happened, suddenly we were like magnets on fire, I pursued him, he pursued me, we broke up three times, we had an emotional and then a physical affair, in places we shouldn't have, I don't know how we didn't get caught. He proposed to me four times. I noticed the hand tremors, the dilated pupils, the mood swings, it was a pattern. He's so heavily dependent on alcohol. In denial, of course. I kept pushing that part off in my mind, because suddenly, for me, I felt great, I loved life, my relationship with daughter was wonderful..I was happy. And by then, completely emotionally detached from my mate at home. Home was oppressive, our house was still broken from a wild storm and my mate insisted we stay there thru the reconstruction. Between the dust, the stress, the noise, the resentment, it was alot. I had a small blood clot and some temporary blindness, and my bp soared..I was having a crisis.
My fireman, turned out he had a heart condition all along, I never knew it till after I told him what I was suffering thru..he was calm, he talked me thru the worst parts, eased my fears. So now, I'm 39, slender, have panic attacks, and I have to take blood pressure meds and carry a monitor around with me. All from stress of a bad relationship, and not caring for myself.
The fireman asked me to move in and leave my mate. I was so fearful of losing my child, I kept backing up, by then I was aware he had a drinking problem, knew deep down I couldn't have my child near that element. I asked him if he could stop drinking for me. He binged instead, blacked out, forgot conversations..he'd swagger into our biz, so drunk, try to kiss me.
Anytime I nag, he binges. So I tried to stop nagging. It was an emotional rollercoaster though, I even went to a pal of his to ask some ?'s about his drinking, and he shunned his pal completely, angrily. He dropped off my radar constantly, showing up at the worst times, in the worst places, angry and stinking drunk.
And I finally went to my mate, and sat him down, and said, Look. Here it all is, all that has happened. I love you but I'm going to leave. NOW will you go to counseling?
So my mate and I have been in counseling for 7 months, and I've dropped one bomb on him after another, he knows almost every gritty detail about me and the fireman, and he's a stubborn mate, deeply in love with me tho I am not in the least with him. I am still deeply insanely in love with the fireman, fearful of losing my child, watching him drink himself maybe to an early grave.. and I decided, on my own, to go to Al-Anon. I just began the process. Learn how to cope with the madness. Maybe be able to let go.
I love the Al-Anon! So far, it's brought me some serenity, a little hope for myself. My fireman love doesn't know I am going to Al-Anon, and I won't tell him, I don't want to give him more excuses to feel the need to binge.
But my eye-opener came the other day, when I caught myself drinking wine at about, oh 8 am. I was so stressed, I grabbed the half full glass on the counter from the night before and chugged it. It was stale, might have had a bug in it, I didn't even check. It's not the first time I've done that lately.
I used to be a heavy drinker in my late teens, I'd drive, I'd function. I was the worst type of drinker. You couldn't tell I was drunk. I was quiet. I blacked out, did things I don't want to remember, tried drugs. I had a wake-up call one day when I didn't recognize myself in the mirror, and I cried like a baby, packed my bags, jumped a plane, abandoned college and headed home to detox with my mom. No rehab or counseling. Stopped drinking almost completely, the drugs stopped cold, and I smoked cigarettes and loved coffee.
Now, I see myself. I'm on Xanax for anxiety, heart pills 3 times a day, my drinking is increasing, my child sees me with a glass of wine in my hand every night..we haven't recycled bottles in a while, and the wine bottles are everywhere in the laundry room. And my mate at home, he says its hard to tell when I am drinking. He sees nothing wrong with my behavior (that he sees), he is encouraging me to fill up the wine cabinet because I keep it stocked so low. (what he doesn't know, is that the vodka in the freezer I drank, also, slowly over time..and bought a new bottle so he wouldn't notice.)
Yesterday I made a resolution not to buy any more wine. Went shopping last night, got up to check out and wouldn't u know it, I'd grabbed a bottle of red. A bigger bottle, on sale. Haven't opened it yet. I finished the bottle that was open though. You know, couldn't throw it out.
So, I am insanely in love with an alcoholic in denial. He went across the street to the bar today, because its his only day off..got lit..just came to see me, oh why does he look at me with those incredible eyes, sweet sexy smile, and melt my heart..he's nice drunk.. try him when he's withdrawing though, ooh just stay outta his way.
I firmly know, he's my soul mate. We connected so hard, before I knew he had problems..before he knew I had problems..we connect when he's sober, when he's drunk..I know in my heart, he is it.
My mate and I continue to go to counseling, I can't even have sex with him anymore without having to pretend its my fireman, and I cry after..it feels like I'm cheating on the fireman, which i know sounds crazy.
My worry is, my patterns. If Al-Anon is where I need to be, or if I need to go to AA. I haven't gone a day without a drink in weeks. Its two glasses about every night. Even though it sends my heart spinning, I do it anyway, as far as I can tolerate it.
Sorry the post is so long. I think that's about the gist of it. Thank you so much for being here.
I've been in a relationship for 9 yrs w/ average guy, he drinks socially, some verbal abuse, commitment only up to a point (all but the wedding..we have in vitro child, house, business, cars, just no marriage) and I turned into a workaholic over three yrs, running our biz solo, getting angrier with no help from him, and we lost our connection completely. Over two yrs, we had tragedies..family deaths, our house split in two from storms..our baby had surgery..I kept hounding him for counseling. He said if I needed to go, fine. He didn't need help. He'd shut down on me completely by then. And worse yet, the stress took its toll. I began to drink more wine every night, I was suffering heart problems, feeling like I would just explode from resentment. that well over a year ago. I've always been faithful to him, never looked twice at another guy.
Till last September.
I was listening to Louise Hay, finding my inner self, practicing love with detachment from my mate, focusing on our daughter, trying so hard, still drinking my nightly wine..floundering. The most beautiful fireman entered my life in September, and all I can say is I was rescued, he rescued my heart, my soul. I don't know what happened, suddenly we were like magnets on fire, I pursued him, he pursued me, we broke up three times, we had an emotional and then a physical affair, in places we shouldn't have, I don't know how we didn't get caught. He proposed to me four times. I noticed the hand tremors, the dilated pupils, the mood swings, it was a pattern. He's so heavily dependent on alcohol. In denial, of course. I kept pushing that part off in my mind, because suddenly, for me, I felt great, I loved life, my relationship with daughter was wonderful..I was happy. And by then, completely emotionally detached from my mate at home. Home was oppressive, our house was still broken from a wild storm and my mate insisted we stay there thru the reconstruction. Between the dust, the stress, the noise, the resentment, it was alot. I had a small blood clot and some temporary blindness, and my bp soared..I was having a crisis.
My fireman, turned out he had a heart condition all along, I never knew it till after I told him what I was suffering thru..he was calm, he talked me thru the worst parts, eased my fears. So now, I'm 39, slender, have panic attacks, and I have to take blood pressure meds and carry a monitor around with me. All from stress of a bad relationship, and not caring for myself.
The fireman asked me to move in and leave my mate. I was so fearful of losing my child, I kept backing up, by then I was aware he had a drinking problem, knew deep down I couldn't have my child near that element. I asked him if he could stop drinking for me. He binged instead, blacked out, forgot conversations..he'd swagger into our biz, so drunk, try to kiss me.
Anytime I nag, he binges. So I tried to stop nagging. It was an emotional rollercoaster though, I even went to a pal of his to ask some ?'s about his drinking, and he shunned his pal completely, angrily. He dropped off my radar constantly, showing up at the worst times, in the worst places, angry and stinking drunk.
And I finally went to my mate, and sat him down, and said, Look. Here it all is, all that has happened. I love you but I'm going to leave. NOW will you go to counseling?
So my mate and I have been in counseling for 7 months, and I've dropped one bomb on him after another, he knows almost every gritty detail about me and the fireman, and he's a stubborn mate, deeply in love with me tho I am not in the least with him. I am still deeply insanely in love with the fireman, fearful of losing my child, watching him drink himself maybe to an early grave.. and I decided, on my own, to go to Al-Anon. I just began the process. Learn how to cope with the madness. Maybe be able to let go.
I love the Al-Anon! So far, it's brought me some serenity, a little hope for myself. My fireman love doesn't know I am going to Al-Anon, and I won't tell him, I don't want to give him more excuses to feel the need to binge.
But my eye-opener came the other day, when I caught myself drinking wine at about, oh 8 am. I was so stressed, I grabbed the half full glass on the counter from the night before and chugged it. It was stale, might have had a bug in it, I didn't even check. It's not the first time I've done that lately.
I used to be a heavy drinker in my late teens, I'd drive, I'd function. I was the worst type of drinker. You couldn't tell I was drunk. I was quiet. I blacked out, did things I don't want to remember, tried drugs. I had a wake-up call one day when I didn't recognize myself in the mirror, and I cried like a baby, packed my bags, jumped a plane, abandoned college and headed home to detox with my mom. No rehab or counseling. Stopped drinking almost completely, the drugs stopped cold, and I smoked cigarettes and loved coffee.
Now, I see myself. I'm on Xanax for anxiety, heart pills 3 times a day, my drinking is increasing, my child sees me with a glass of wine in my hand every night..we haven't recycled bottles in a while, and the wine bottles are everywhere in the laundry room. And my mate at home, he says its hard to tell when I am drinking. He sees nothing wrong with my behavior (that he sees), he is encouraging me to fill up the wine cabinet because I keep it stocked so low. (what he doesn't know, is that the vodka in the freezer I drank, also, slowly over time..and bought a new bottle so he wouldn't notice.)
Yesterday I made a resolution not to buy any more wine. Went shopping last night, got up to check out and wouldn't u know it, I'd grabbed a bottle of red. A bigger bottle, on sale. Haven't opened it yet. I finished the bottle that was open though. You know, couldn't throw it out.
So, I am insanely in love with an alcoholic in denial. He went across the street to the bar today, because its his only day off..got lit..just came to see me, oh why does he look at me with those incredible eyes, sweet sexy smile, and melt my heart..he's nice drunk.. try him when he's withdrawing though, ooh just stay outta his way.
I firmly know, he's my soul mate. We connected so hard, before I knew he had problems..before he knew I had problems..we connect when he's sober, when he's drunk..I know in my heart, he is it.
My mate and I continue to go to counseling, I can't even have sex with him anymore without having to pretend its my fireman, and I cry after..it feels like I'm cheating on the fireman, which i know sounds crazy.
My worry is, my patterns. If Al-Anon is where I need to be, or if I need to go to AA. I haven't gone a day without a drink in weeks. Its two glasses about every night. Even though it sends my heart spinning, I do it anyway, as far as I can tolerate it.
Sorry the post is so long. I think that's about the gist of it. Thank you so much for being here.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Hi Chris
That's a hell of an introduction LOL.
I'm not gonna give you a long response.
I think you need to start to focus a little on you.
I think you need to nip this stress relief drinking in the bud before you start to complicate all the other problems you have.
I hope dealing with this now rather than later helps to clear your mind about the other stuff too
D
That's a hell of an introduction LOL.
I'm not gonna give you a long response.
I think you need to start to focus a little on you.
I think you need to nip this stress relief drinking in the bud before you start to complicate all the other problems you have.
I hope dealing with this now rather than later helps to clear your mind about the other stuff too
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: OR
Posts: 28
hi Dee74,
lot to get off my chest. I haven't even revealed any of this in Al-Anon yet. Just trying to take it one day at a time. For the moment, I'm staying with my mate.. my child had a rough emotional moment couple days ago, she thought I was leaving her..we haven't had any conversations in front of her. So for my child, for now, I stay put.
Yeah, I was trying to focus more on me.. tho I know I've been walking two paths..LOL that can be exhausting
lot to get off my chest. I haven't even revealed any of this in Al-Anon yet. Just trying to take it one day at a time. For the moment, I'm staying with my mate.. my child had a rough emotional moment couple days ago, she thought I was leaving her..we haven't had any conversations in front of her. So for my child, for now, I stay put.
Yeah, I was trying to focus more on me.. tho I know I've been walking two paths..LOL that can be exhausting
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
How about just stopping drinking, completely?
1. It would keep your mind clear to do your step work.
2. It would keep your mind clear for your child.
3. It would keep your mind clear for counseling.
1. It would keep your mind clear to do your step work.
2. It would keep your mind clear for your child.
3. It would keep your mind clear for counseling.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: OR
Posts: 28
Yes. Going to try tonight. I remember going a few days without, a while back. Eventually I had one, I think we'd gone out to dinner..and well, he has one, then I have one. I never had this problem when I was pregnant. didn't drink a drop. LOL ah, if only I could just stay pregnant. (like that's a good idea) So I know i can do without if i try. Listening to the Al-Anon meetings, really taking a good hard look around, kind of opened my eyes to my own patterns.
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Originally Posted by tommyk 
I'd suggest AA. 
Last edited by chrisfire; 08-09-2009 at 06:52 PM. Reason: counselor discussion
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AA is alot about talking with people who have experienced similar situations.
"Should I try it on my own first...ah, I don't know what's right to do anymore."
In AA... make some new friends... see what they think... see what they did.
"Should I try it on my own first...ah, I don't know what's right to do anymore."
In AA... make some new friends... see what they think... see what they did.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 85
You sound hesitant to give AA a shot. Completely understandable. I was hesitant (actually, resistant!) for 12+ years.
As was previously mentioned, why not stop drinking? Say for 5 weeks. For most normal people, this isn't a serious challenge. If you find yourself constantly fighting off the urge to drink, replacing drinking with other addictive behavior or simply can't do it, I think that would be a pretty clear sign.
As for your relationship issues, I'm not even going to try to help.. It sounds like it's best left to a professional, but I do wish you luck there.
As was previously mentioned, why not stop drinking? Say for 5 weeks. For most normal people, this isn't a serious challenge. If you find yourself constantly fighting off the urge to drink, replacing drinking with other addictive behavior or simply can't do it, I think that would be a pretty clear sign.
As for your relationship issues, I'm not even going to try to help.. It sounds like it's best left to a professional, but I do wish you luck there.
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Oh no, not hesitant.. just don't know what to do.
My mate noticed I wasn't drinking last nite, he saw me drinking a cup of tea instead and asked me if I was ok, which of course I lied outright (I'd actually been fighting the bit to stay away from the wine cabinet, I'd been getting cranky and feeling increasingly wiped out) and said I just didn't feel like having a glass of wine.. so he said, well how about a beer then??? And he opened up the fridge. I said no thanks, I'm okay..
about 15 min go by, and I'm still in the freaking kitchen, trying to drink that cup of tea. So I took a Xanax, instead..
one stress relief for another..oh, what a relief it was though when the stress melted off of me like butter..my mate couldn't even tell I took it till I passed out in his arms on the couch.
tonight, I'll try it without either, and see how far I get. I'd really like to go the 5 weeks, try it at least. This means removing all the bottles, the glasses, the empties, I don't know about his stash of beer tho, I can't even talk to him about this and it's going to BE THERE, along with his Morgans and Jack..thank God the vodka's all gone..he didn't even like vodka, it was there for when his mother would come over because she's an alcoholic and the whole family is in denial about her drinking, they're more concerned she's going to smoke herself to death..
My mate noticed I wasn't drinking last nite, he saw me drinking a cup of tea instead and asked me if I was ok, which of course I lied outright (I'd actually been fighting the bit to stay away from the wine cabinet, I'd been getting cranky and feeling increasingly wiped out) and said I just didn't feel like having a glass of wine.. so he said, well how about a beer then??? And he opened up the fridge. I said no thanks, I'm okay..
about 15 min go by, and I'm still in the freaking kitchen, trying to drink that cup of tea. So I took a Xanax, instead..
one stress relief for another..oh, what a relief it was though when the stress melted off of me like butter..my mate couldn't even tell I took it till I passed out in his arms on the couch.
tonight, I'll try it without either, and see how far I get. I'd really like to go the 5 weeks, try it at least. This means removing all the bottles, the glasses, the empties, I don't know about his stash of beer tho, I can't even talk to him about this and it's going to BE THERE, along with his Morgans and Jack..thank God the vodka's all gone..he didn't even like vodka, it was there for when his mother would come over because she's an alcoholic and the whole family is in denial about her drinking, they're more concerned she's going to smoke herself to death..
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the county I live in, highest alcoholism rate in the state, highest suicide rate. everyone drinks here, alot..its all perfectly acceptable behavior. Hardly anyone drives their car...they all pedal drunk on their bikes.
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Chris - you seem to mention other people, and what other people do, alot.
Maybe think more about what you want for you and your life.
Drinking, xanax, lying to your mate and everyone else.... doesn't sound like any kind of life.
Keep coming back.
Maybe think more about what you want for you and your life.
Drinking, xanax, lying to your mate and everyone else.... doesn't sound like any kind of life.
Keep coming back.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: OR
Posts: 28
Seaside, Oregon. Seasonal tourist town. We see the AA Roundup twice a year here, this is where they congregate.. I've always loved them when they came to town, they always seemed to be so happy or at least at peace with their world.
I have question..about who I tell..
I am really worried about telling my mate, we are so close to calling it quits anyway and I worry the concept I might have a problem will get in the way of child custody.
My closest friend here, who is considering going to Al-Anon to deal with her past familial alcohol abuse problems, is urging me to come clean with the fireman and tell him everything..I am so afraid of losing him..I know fully well the reason I am falling apart is because of love, fear of losing, and stress..
However, there should be no secrets.
What do you think?
I have question..about who I tell..
I am really worried about telling my mate, we are so close to calling it quits anyway and I worry the concept I might have a problem will get in the way of child custody.
My closest friend here, who is considering going to Al-Anon to deal with her past familial alcohol abuse problems, is urging me to come clean with the fireman and tell him everything..I am so afraid of losing him..I know fully well the reason I am falling apart is because of love, fear of losing, and stress..
However, there should be no secrets.
What do you think?
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Hi Chris, welcome to SR. Definetly sounds to me like you need to get your priorities in order, drinking so much along with anxiety medication and involvement with an alcoholic certainly does not sound like a good environment for you and not for your child at all. If I were you I'd get myself healthy both mentally and physically before even thinking about pursuing the fireman anymore. You sound like your on a road of self destruction and that's obviously not a good road to take.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: OR
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by tommyk
Chris - you seem to mention other people, and what other people do, alot.
Maybe think more about what you want for you and your life.
Drinking, xanax, lying to your mate and everyone else.... doesn't sound like any kind of life.
Keep coming back.
Maybe think more about what you want for you and your life.
Drinking, xanax, lying to your mate and everyone else.... doesn't sound like any kind of life.
Keep coming back.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by chrisfire
I'd really like to go the 5 weeks, try it at least. This means removing all the bottles, the glasses, the empties, I don't know about his stash of beer tho, I can't even talk to him about this and it's going to BE THERE, along with his Morgans and Jack..thank God the vodka's all gone..he didn't even like vodka, it was there for when his mother would come over because she's an alcoholic and the whole family is in denial about her drinking, they're more concerned she's going to smoke herself to death..
I say that, because needing to remove all the alcohol from the house in order to not drink is classically alcoholic in nature. Don't let that be an excuse. Leave them where they are. If you really are a "normal person" as it pertains to drinking, it shouldn't be that big of a deal. My parents probably had the same 5 bottles of liquor in their house for 15 years, they drank so infrequently.
Look at it like an experiment, if you can make it the 5 weeks you're probably just over-reacting. If you can't, or if that is 5 weeks of literal hell, you have your answer.
And just to add, as you mentioned, the Xanax is cheating a bit
I would take pain pills myself so I wouldn't drink. I could go for months without drinking in that scenario. Ultimately, however, I ended up doing both the pills and drinking. Talk about expensive.. \
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Originally Posted by jamdls
Hi Chris, welcome to SR. Definetly sounds to me like you need to get your priorities in order, drinking so much along with anxiety medication and involvement with an alcoholic certainly does not sound like a good environment for you and not for your child at all. If I were you I'd get myself healthy both mentally and physically before even thinking about pursuing the fireman anymore. You sound like your on a road of self destruction and that's obviously not a good road to take.
Now, my mate's priorities are 'WORKING ON THE RELATIONSHIP" i am so tired of the word working, makes me wanna retch. I don't want to work on anything, stretched too thin. I want to run away and join a nunnery some days LOL I never needed anxiety meds before, or had panic attacks, my body is definitely screaming at me to pay attention
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Originally Posted by ClaretandBlue
You don't have to remove all the alcohol in order to not drink.
\
\
I STAYED IN THE FREAKING KITCHEN!!! drank my tea.
I really hope I'm just a stress drinker. Cut the stress, maybe that would do the trick.
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Join Date: Sep 2006
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Originally Posted by jamdls
Hi Chris, welcome to SR. Definetly sounds to me like you need to get your priorities in order, drinking so much along with anxiety medication and involvement with an alcoholic certainly does not sound like a good environment for you and not for your child at all. If I were you I'd get myself healthy both mentally and physically before even thinking about pursuing the fireman anymore. You sound like your on a road of self destruction and that's obviously not a good road to take.
Though I've been in a similar position, though not with a fireman, and I wouldn't have listened to any sane advice that ran contrary to what I wanted. I was blinded by lust and selfishness for another woman who was having problems, but justified everything by saying my wife was an Irish nutter, and my kids were suffering because of our constant fighting; when really it all boiled down to me being the crazy one.
Well, unsuprisingly what a mess I made of things; I haven't seen my two lovely girls in six years; things just didn't turn out the way I planned them to and lots of people; particularly my daughters; paid the price.
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