going to Al-Anon, maybe I need AA instead
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so what do I do then..
Originally Posted by Tosh 
All of the above!
Though I've been in a similar position, though not with a fireman, and I wouldn't have listened to any sane advice that ran contrary to what I wanted. I was blinded by lust and selfishness for another woman who was having problems, but justified everything by saying my wife was an Irish nutter, and my kids were suffering because of our constant fighting; when really it all boiled down to me being the crazy one.
Well, unsuprisingly what a mess I made of things; I haven't seen my two lovely girls in six years; things just didn't turn out the way I planned them to and lots of people; particularly my daughters; paid the price.
Though I've been in a similar position, though not with a fireman, and I wouldn't have listened to any sane advice that ran contrary to what I wanted. I was blinded by lust and selfishness for another woman who was having problems, but justified everything by saying my wife was an Irish nutter, and my kids were suffering because of our constant fighting; when really it all boiled down to me being the crazy one.
Well, unsuprisingly what a mess I made of things; I haven't seen my two lovely girls in six years; things just didn't turn out the way I planned them to and lots of people; particularly my daughters; paid the price.
My regular doc gave me the Xanax for the anxiety..he kept encouraging me to take it..
I was hoping the Al-Anon would keep me grounded and focused..
the love for my mate, it's there..but its like we're friends, that's all. Intimacy is impossible anymore. I'm only staying there for my daughter's sake. Anytime I talk about needing tangible space to sort out my life, my mate FREAKS out and the house becomes so unbearable, he won't eat, he throws up..he looks like I beat him with an emotional wet newspaper..tension is stifling.
I'm so sorry you haven't seen your daughters..I love my baby so much, we went thru so much to have her, she was a medical miracle.. probably the only child I will ever be able to have..
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my vote is the same as last time Chrisfire - stop the drinking - thats got to be the first step in trying to sort out yr life.
If your doctor encourages you to take Xanax, then not drinking is even more of an imperative - it's a necessity.
And like you said at the beginning - maybe you need a programme, like AA, if you can't stop on your own?
I'd think about speaking honestly with my friends in al anon too - seems like you need some opinions and advice.
D
If your doctor encourages you to take Xanax, then not drinking is even more of an imperative - it's a necessity.
And like you said at the beginning - maybe you need a programme, like AA, if you can't stop on your own?
I'd think about speaking honestly with my friends in al anon too - seems like you need some opinions and advice.
D
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Chris, I know you sent me a PM, but it may help others if I share my story here.
Well, about seven-years-ago I was drinking heavily; I wasn't in a sane state of mind, though I thought I was. I was a Staff Sergeant in the army, in a Warrant Officer's post, so I held a responsible job.
I was married to an Irish lass, and we had two small children. I was under a lot of pressure at work, planning for this, that, and the other (firemen strikes (honest), Afganistan, Iraq, and other stuff), but I was an alcoholic, though I wouldn't have admited it then.
I was seriously unhappy and pinned much of the blame onto my Irish wife. I blamed her for making me unhappy, and I blamed her for my drinking; I also blamed the stressful job I had too. It's funny though, because it was actually the drinking that was causing me to stress; I often felt hungover, cross, and things weren't going my way.
Eventually I had an affair - the sex was great - and left my wife and kids for another woman (who I still live with; the sex is probably just or below normal now from what I remember), but the resentment I gave my ex-wife was massive as you can imagine. She was forced to move out of our army married quarter and return to Ireland. She hates me with a vengance; I've got two of her terrorist/gangster cousins wanting to harm me.
But when I examine the past with hindsight, it really wasn't my ex-wife's fault that I hated her (and I did hate her at the time). The fault was with me and my mental state of mind. I blamed everyone for my negative feelings, and I blamed my circumstances for the crappy hand of cards I felt I'd been dealt.
Not once did I take a look at myself, because I didn't think I needed to, nor did I know how to; but after being shown how in AA I was rather shocked at what I found.
If I could go back in time to a point prior to having the affair, this is what I'd do:
1. Join AA.
2. Throw myself into the AA programme.
3. Let God do the rest (sounds strange, but it's not really, it basically means doing the next right thing in front of you).
Had I done the above, I can guarantee you I'd be far happier, things would've worked between my ex-wife and I, and my children would have a Father.
However, I shouldn't think about what could have been, I live for today, but I'm human with faults, so sometimes I just can't help it.
But I see some of the same states of mind I used to suffer in some of your posts, when I was an insane alcoholic (not that I'm suggesting that's what you are), so I hope some of this has helped.
Well, about seven-years-ago I was drinking heavily; I wasn't in a sane state of mind, though I thought I was. I was a Staff Sergeant in the army, in a Warrant Officer's post, so I held a responsible job.
I was married to an Irish lass, and we had two small children. I was under a lot of pressure at work, planning for this, that, and the other (firemen strikes (honest), Afganistan, Iraq, and other stuff), but I was an alcoholic, though I wouldn't have admited it then.
I was seriously unhappy and pinned much of the blame onto my Irish wife. I blamed her for making me unhappy, and I blamed her for my drinking; I also blamed the stressful job I had too. It's funny though, because it was actually the drinking that was causing me to stress; I often felt hungover, cross, and things weren't going my way.
Eventually I had an affair - the sex was great - and left my wife and kids for another woman (who I still live with; the sex is probably just or below normal now from what I remember), but the resentment I gave my ex-wife was massive as you can imagine. She was forced to move out of our army married quarter and return to Ireland. She hates me with a vengance; I've got two of her terrorist/gangster cousins wanting to harm me.
But when I examine the past with hindsight, it really wasn't my ex-wife's fault that I hated her (and I did hate her at the time). The fault was with me and my mental state of mind. I blamed everyone for my negative feelings, and I blamed my circumstances for the crappy hand of cards I felt I'd been dealt.
Not once did I take a look at myself, because I didn't think I needed to, nor did I know how to; but after being shown how in AA I was rather shocked at what I found.
If I could go back in time to a point prior to having the affair, this is what I'd do:
1. Join AA.
2. Throw myself into the AA programme.
3. Let God do the rest (sounds strange, but it's not really, it basically means doing the next right thing in front of you).
Had I done the above, I can guarantee you I'd be far happier, things would've worked between my ex-wife and I, and my children would have a Father.
However, I shouldn't think about what could have been, I live for today, but I'm human with faults, so sometimes I just can't help it.
But I see some of the same states of mind I used to suffer in some of your posts, when I was an insane alcoholic (not that I'm suggesting that's what you are), so I hope some of this has helped.
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THANK YOUI don't think I can last like this much longer. The love for the fireman, I know it to be real. Its hard to describe, its soul mate love. I know though I finally found him, at the wrong time in my life, and we are both completely screwed up. What rotten luck *sigh*
Whether it will last the test of Al-Anon or AA...well, that's going to be his decision, not mine. I won't force him into any program, he'll have to make that choice on his own. I've always told him that I will be there for him in his darkest hours, pretty sure he didn't know what I meant but it was enough for me to truly mean what I said, and feel good about it. He may never lean on me, that's sad.
But I can work on my own issues and become a healthy girl.
I have an Al-Anon meeting this Tuesday night, so I'll do my best to speak up for myself this time.
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Originally Posted by chrisfire
THANK YOUI don't think I can last like this much longer. The love for the fireman, I know it to be real. Its hard to describe, its soul mate love.
For me it wore off with time, I think it took about three months of living together and I think it was about the same for her too.
Remember, emotions are transitory experiences and because of their short lived nature you shouldn't really make life changing decisions based on them; especially if you suspect you're both 'screwed up' as you put it.
Sorry, I had to say it, I couldn't help myself. I see so much of the situation I was in within your circumstances.
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re: emotions...
Originally Posted by Tosh
Yes, I felt exactly the same about the lady I had the affair with; though we had fantastic sex on top of all that too!
For me it wore off with time, I think it took about three months of living together and I think it was about the same for her too.
Remember, emotions are transitory experiences and because of their short lived nature you shouldn't really make life changing decisions based on them; especially if you suspect you're both 'screwed up' as you put it.
Sorry, I had to say it, I couldn't help myself. I see so much of the situation I was in within your circumstances.
For me it wore off with time, I think it took about three months of living together and I think it was about the same for her too.
Remember, emotions are transitory experiences and because of their short lived nature you shouldn't really make life changing decisions based on them; especially if you suspect you're both 'screwed up' as you put it.
Sorry, I had to say it, I couldn't help myself. I see so much of the situation I was in within your circumstances.
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hi chrisfire, I would like to bring you back to your op...going to Al-Anon, maybe I need AA instead....
It caught my eye because I also did that. I went to al-anon hoping to get some sanity back in my life. I was married to an alcoholic and had become destroyed by his alcoholism. Thing was ....I was soo busy watching his drinking I hardly noticed my own creeping up. He eventually got sober and I remained miserable.....Long long story short.........found al-anon great but very difficult for me to work those steps with a bottle of wine in my hand. Eventually I stopped looking at him and everything around me and got help. I am sober today in AA, my child also became a much brighter happier child. the ripple effect of recovery. It starts with us looking at ourselves only.
It caught my eye because I also did that. I went to al-anon hoping to get some sanity back in my life. I was married to an alcoholic and had become destroyed by his alcoholism. Thing was ....I was soo busy watching his drinking I hardly noticed my own creeping up. He eventually got sober and I remained miserable.....Long long story short.........found al-anon great but very difficult for me to work those steps with a bottle of wine in my hand. Eventually I stopped looking at him and everything around me and got help. I am sober today in AA, my child also became a much brighter happier child. the ripple effect of recovery. It starts with us looking at ourselves only.
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Nelco,
you don't know how relieved that makes me..
It feels surreal going thru all this, trying to sort it out, make sense of it.. Al-Anon for me is a huge leap..going to AA sounds comforting and frightening at the same time, and I don't know why.
Knowing that you went through the same experience, really helps this feel like I can breathe a bit easier.
I was on the beginners path of healing myself when love hit me between the eyes LOL with a beer can in hand and marriage proposals... oh Lord, love was the last thing I wanted..I wasn't even looking. And I don't fall in love. The last time I fell in love was 11 years ago.
you don't know how relieved that makes me..
It feels surreal going thru all this, trying to sort it out, make sense of it.. Al-Anon for me is a huge leap..going to AA sounds comforting and frightening at the same time, and I don't know why.
Knowing that you went through the same experience, really helps this feel like I can breathe a bit easier.
I was on the beginners path of healing myself when love hit me between the eyes LOL with a beer can in hand and marriage proposals... oh Lord, love was the last thing I wanted..I wasn't even looking. And I don't fall in love. The last time I fell in love was 11 years ago.
Last edited by chrisfire; 08-10-2009 at 03:55 PM. Reason: more thoughts
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I found I could not deal with anything while I was drinking. Deal with the alcohol first and then when your head clears a bit, you can look at the other areas in your life. You have nothing to lose except the booze and it has you in chains it seems. you have everything to gain......peace of mind was the best gift of all for me .....
I really hope you find peace and I would love to hear what you decide to do.
I live in Ireland and its late now so Im off to bed soon, but I will keep in touch x
I really hope you find peace and I would love to hear what you decide to do.
I live in Ireland and its late now so Im off to bed soon, but I will keep in touch x
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pearls of wisdom
Originally Posted by nelco
the ripple effect of recovery. It starts with us looking at ourselves only.
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thanks Tosh
Originally Posted by Tosh
Yes, I felt exactly the same about the lady I had the affair with; though we had fantastic sex on top of all that too!
For me it wore off with time, I think it took about three months of living together and I think it was about the same for her too.
Remember, emotions are transitory experiences and because of their short lived nature you shouldn't really make life changing decisions based on them; especially if you suspect you're both 'screwed up' as you put it.
Sorry, I had to say it, I couldn't help myself. I see so much of the situation I was in within your circumstances.
For me it wore off with time, I think it took about three months of living together and I think it was about the same for her too.
Remember, emotions are transitory experiences and because of their short lived nature you shouldn't really make life changing decisions based on them; especially if you suspect you're both 'screwed up' as you put it.
Sorry, I had to say it, I couldn't help myself. I see so much of the situation I was in within your circumstances.
yes emotions are transitory..I do agree..best part about all this, I hardly drank a drop around him, I was always sober..he was the one drinking..but not always.. 11 months of sheer love. I broke both us up three times trying to break free so he could have his life, cuz sometimes I couldn't deal with it. If I didnt' have my daughter, he'd have walked me down the aisle. I broke with him last night, he'll probably never take me back. and I'm still under this spell of love, and sorrow, and no I won't drink.
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