JT

Hi,

I have been having a bit of a time lately accepting this disease. My son is in prison now because of alcohol related offenses and my resentment of this disease is haunting me.

My father is an alcoholic....28 years in the program. He entered AA the same year my son was born. Because of my home life and my parents divorce I reacted my way through my early adulthood. I moved out when my mom remarried and in with the alcoholic who would eventually become the father my child.

When it became apparent that he was a lieing, cheating, drunk, instead of dealing with the disease then, I ran.

From the age of 18 until I was 40 I ran. My son was now an alcoholic and I couldn't run from that.

I have never really blamed my parents. I loved them both and until I entered Alanon I didn't even see what was really wrong with everything. But now, looking backward at my life I see the cycle so clearly that it causes me physical pain.

Like my life was almost predestined, I am just one more victim of this disease. I can't stomach the idea that what I thought were choices were reactions to the dysfuntion. This disease has been pulling the strings in my life all along and I am not happy about it.

JT

Paulie

JT -

You don't have to stay the victim, you know that.

Anger for the disease, boy do I understand that. I sure dont' feel very spiritual when I say this, but sometimes I get pissed off that I wasted so many years of my life using. I get angry about alot of other things that have to do with this disease too, especially the way it affects the ones that we love.

Be angry, that is okay. You have earned that right. But don't let that anger eat away at your faith.

In the year or so that I have known you, I don't see the disease pulling to many strings any more, it may tug at one now and then, but you have a pretty good grip on them.

The position you are in right now with your son in prison due to this disease is a hard one I won't pretend to know how you feel.
But as an addict and major co (are you shocked LOL) I understand the disease.

To end this ramble to you I will quote Dr. Phil who I know you like too.
He says 'we do what we know, until we know better'. That is what you did JT, you did what you knew, you ran, now you don't run anymore, cause you know better.

Sending hugs and love your way.

Morning Glory

If you were to list what you have learned as a direct result of this disease you make look at it a little differently.

JT

Man...I made a real effort not to use the word victim. I guess I slipped.

All I am doing here is spilling some anger. I do know better...and yes I am a better person for being through what I have been through. I am grateful for who I have become. Very grateful.

Pauline you are right about being mad at the wasted time and I am mad at my lack of control...yes control. Not control over what I couldn't change, but feeling a bit like I was shot out of a cannon without any direction.

Ya know...it is a feeling that I have right now, I am sure that has been brought on by the Beav and it will come to a conclusion like all the other stages I have gone through. I have faith in that...but I also have to travel this road so more can be revealed.

Right?
JT

Morning Glory

I don't think it's bad to say we were a victim. We were. The bad thing would be to continue in the victim role when we are no longer victims. I don't see any of us doing that.

We're taking responsibility for what belongs to us now. It's ok to be angry about it too.

Paulie

In my opinion, you are absolutely right!!! I was reading that part of Codependent NO More last night about learning to feel our feelings.

You have to walk through this, it is growth.

JT you sharing this with us helps us to grow to.
And I agree with MG - you were a victim, it is okay to say that as long as we don't stay the victim.

JT

Thanks Pauline...I can always count on you!

Hugs,
JT

srepty

Hi! I just read this thread and I can relate to what you'll are saying. I think my message I just wrote kind of goes along with it. J.T. I am sorry you are hurting.
I always thought I wanted kids but I don't know. I think God knew what he was doing when I didn't have any during my short marriage or any of the other times I had unprotected sex. (this was prior to AIDS)
I want to learn how not to be a victim. I was raped and sexually mollested when I was a kid and for the life of me I caan't feel like a victim of that.(I don't or haven't been angry about it) My Mom said I should have known better. (How would I she never taught me) but I can sure relate to being a victim today with all the other *?#!*?#!*?#!*?#! in my life. I can get angry and dwell on all the injustices in my life but I want to learn how to become a strong, more self reliant woman.
Progress is so slow for me and like I said I get so angry. Anyway thanks for talking about it.
Lisa

JT

srepty,

I just checked in and I have to go...so I will check back tomorrow morning.

Have a great nite and thanks for your thoughts,
JT