Cleansing

I made it home sober. I kept it simple and said, "I will not use today because I do not want to go through the hangovers/withdrawals again". And I left it at that, I didn't have to think about it anymore because that's all it took to get me home. Sometimes keeping it simple and working it by the moment helps.

but fukk, then I made it home, and it's about 10:40 am (I had an early day). This is when I start thinking again, and thinking always gets me into trouble.

I told myself "it's early, you can get high now, and be good for the evening," "it won't be so bad, you'll just do a little bit," "this will be the last time."

Before I knew it I was popping pills and mixing it with alcohol. I got really messed up.


And this was yesterday. I've relapsed about two weeks ago, and been using whatever I could get my hands on for the past two weeks. On and off of course. It wasn't a daily thing, maybe 7/20 days of using. But 7 days was enough. I'm exhausted, but i was also exhausted for the past 4 days (took a break), and yet, as soon as I felt better, I fell back into the drugs and booze.


What it was was that I was 75 days clean and sober, and for some reason i started to break down, and went for the drink with the Valium, then threw in some DXM. It felt good, and no one knew what I was doing, so I decided to do it a few more times. Until yesterday when I somehow agreed to go the movies with some people, and then my problem was discovered.

I had stop posting on this site because I don't get along with some of the posters here, and I didn't want to hit up the chatrooms because I preferred to be in my own space. I had stopped calling my friends and was avoiding my parents. I cut oof my support. Made it very easy to just be in my own world and waste away. It's a trick i haven't used in a while, but as isolate, I find it easier to use.


So of course it wasn't worth it, and I feel like I wasted so many days.
I don't know what I'm trying to say really, I guess I should have not ignore the support, and I should have kept it simple. Thinking too much is a problem especially when the addict mind will always rationalize a way to get more, instead of a way to remain clean.

MycoolFitz

Yea, you have a dis ease, it'll get you like sweets get a diabetic. You know the game, you know the score. Its up to you as what to do. You sure know what not todo and why. Whatever happens I hope the best for you. As for not getting along with some posters, its your life and your relationship with family and friends you're dealing with. Clean up, sober up and get some perspective. As long as you're alive its never too late.

change4penny

Isolating yourself always leads to relapse. When I came so close to relapse a few weeks ago, I was alone, my husband was out of town, my kids weren't gonna be around for a couple day....I told myself, "I can do it and no one will know".
Long story short, thank God I didn't use and I now have 10 months clean. I thought about this situation a lot over the last few weeks and I realized that you begin to relapse long before you actually pick up. The thing is, I'm my own worst critic, and if I were to use, nobody else may know, but, I WOULD KNOW. I couldn't live with myself. I have a hard enough time forgiving myself as it is, so if I were to relapse, it would be the death of me.

Penny

tommyk

Sometimes more lifestyle changes are necessary, it can take more than just not using, something has to fill the void, right?

Vintersemestre

Neither do I, but there's alot more people I do like (about 10x more) so I don't let the small minority of loudmouthed zealots ruin it for me, I just don't read what they write.

Cleansing

Yeah this is all I have left. I've lied to everyone else I've know, so there aren't many people to talk to about this. As for my use, I don't know what to think about it

I loved the highs so much, I just needed to take a break because I felt exhausted. And I wasn't doing anything while high, just staring at the computer screen and walking around aimlessly. both of which i could be doing sober.

But 3 months ago I hated it, and I was determined to stay clean. 90 days later, I relapsed, and now I'm on the fence again. Tomorrow will be a pivotal day. I feel ready to use again. I don't have to, and I shouldn't, but I already have reservations.
I'll have to think of all the TERRIBLE, LIFE-THREATENING times I've had because of my addiction. That's what will stop me. Because even though nothing goes on while I'm high, being sober is so damn unrewarding, I don't even want to feel that way. I rather feel nothing.

Tomorrow is key. If I can make it through tomorrow, it'll be easier afterwards. Because that would make it 3 days clean, and by then, the effects wont be felt as much. And just looking at my schedule for tomorrow it would be ideal to use.


But there are plenty of negative consequences to using:
(1) My meds won't work as well
(2) I might dip into a deep depression which can last up to weeks
(3) I can have a big fallout with my family
(4) I could die. I usaully don't use that much, but I go crazy and mix all types of things together, some combinations i've read to be fatal. This should really be number one.
(5) physically, I'll feel sick and weak.
(6) I'll get all anxious, and I'm not on Valium anymore (well I won't be starting Saturday).

And it really doesn't feel good, or make things seems anymore exciting. I don't know why I do this. I just don't appreciate life I guess.

Timebuster

If you took the suggestions of the people you don’t get along with. You probably wouldn’t be in the pickle that you in now? Right?

Instead you are agreeing with Vin that has nothing to offer you but criticism of other members here. See my point.

When you get serious about recovery. This zealot will be here to support you. Until then good luck.

Cleansing

Well I was serious about getting clean. Those that know me on this site know how hard I've tried to stay clean for 3 months. I did everything right. I just always had reservations. Which I don't think is such a bad thing, because as my therapist pointed out to me, it's not that I don't want to get high, because I do. It's that I can't get high, it has ruined my life. I have to remind myself that I can't do it anymore. It's just that sometimes i don't believe it. Sometimes i tell myself "you can do it, it won't be a big deal."

Another thing I did wrong was that I was messing with my meds, mainly the Valium. I should have seen this coming. I actually talked about this on this site, but I didn't want to hear anybody. I mentioned how I was abusing my Valium, but that I didn't consider it using because I wasn't getting a high.
Well I soon relized that mixing Valium with my Drug of choices (there are many) was something I liked. And that's how I got stuck in this latest round of using.


I talked about all of this, but I still gave up one day, and it felt good to use. So I decided to give in a few more days. Now i'm done with it. Tired, Sick. Weak. I'm just not sure for how long I'll put it down. All I can do is a day at a time, because If I start to plan things out, I'm off to the races again. Just like tomorrow, I really just have to wait and see how I do. I can't promise I'll be clean forever. I just have to do whatever it takes to stay clean on a daily basis until this obessession subsides. It's only the first few days, but I feel like I'm taking some steps into ensuring I stay clean. I kept my use quiet until yesterday. It's no longer a secret I'm holding in. I haven't told everybody in my ciercle, but now you guys know, and my parents know. I'm excercising in the mornings, eating right, and sleeping right.


this time I'm not gonna use Valium, otherwise, I'll do everything else the same, because it was working out for a while.


I have no reason in the world to use. I just give in because I don't care about life enough to stop using for good. I think I take the wrong things too seriously. I'm not surre what my problem is.

fibermaster

Cleansing - Keep on posting please. You are one of the people posting that REALLY helped me. I am only 2 months clean from oxy, and do not know what the future holds honestly. But I think it is important to read that if you do slip up, its not GAME OVER. There are people who will get help from your posts like I did, whether you have slipped up or not.