please comment
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: italy
Posts: 32
please comment
hello all,
my husband is an alcoholic. or i guess he is since he is denying he has a problem. he is an emergency doctor. we live in a small town and almost everybody knows him. as he is well known in hospital or at least he used to be.
he drinks a bottle of wiskey when he is home and during his working days half a bottle between his shifts. he can't sleep when he is not drinking. we had bad days of fights and discussions in past. i tried my best to convince him to quit. but he always tells me that his problem is not alcohol and if our marriage is not working well is not because of alcohol.i love him when he is not drinking but recently he is drinking all the time when he is home. i guess he has been drinking for 10-15 years. now he is 51. i didn't know about his problem when i married to him since he is very intelligent in hiding it. he drinks at home in our basement. he never goes to a bar or pub since people know him.i've learned that i should not focus on him and don't go to search for his empty bottles....
i'm so afraid that he makes a mistake at work or hurt someone. he has shaky hands in the morning sometimes.i don't know what to do. he has many times promised me to control his drinking but i can see that alcohol is more powerful than him.
so i thought maybe if i talk to his boss and ask him to not tell him that i talk to him and maybe his boss can force him to go to a rehab or ask for some help.
do you think that it will work or it will get worse?
i appreciate your comments.
thanks
my husband is an alcoholic. or i guess he is since he is denying he has a problem. he is an emergency doctor. we live in a small town and almost everybody knows him. as he is well known in hospital or at least he used to be.
he drinks a bottle of wiskey when he is home and during his working days half a bottle between his shifts. he can't sleep when he is not drinking. we had bad days of fights and discussions in past. i tried my best to convince him to quit. but he always tells me that his problem is not alcohol and if our marriage is not working well is not because of alcohol.i love him when he is not drinking but recently he is drinking all the time when he is home. i guess he has been drinking for 10-15 years. now he is 51. i didn't know about his problem when i married to him since he is very intelligent in hiding it. he drinks at home in our basement. he never goes to a bar or pub since people know him.i've learned that i should not focus on him and don't go to search for his empty bottles....
i'm so afraid that he makes a mistake at work or hurt someone. he has shaky hands in the morning sometimes.i don't know what to do. he has many times promised me to control his drinking but i can see that alcohol is more powerful than him.
so i thought maybe if i talk to his boss and ask him to not tell him that i talk to him and maybe his boss can force him to go to a rehab or ask for some help.
do you think that it will work or it will get worse?
i appreciate your comments.
thanks
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
I don't know what talking to his boss will do other than maybe push him out of a job.
Here in the states medical professionals can get treatment and there is usually a program that they know about.
Perhaps finding an Al-Anon meeting for yourself will help you. My prayers are with you.
Here in the states medical professionals can get treatment and there is usually a program that they know about.
Perhaps finding an Al-Anon meeting for yourself will help you. My prayers are with you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 146
Your husband reminds me of my ex (drink of choice, consumption volume of said drink, inability to sleep sober, etc) which means that your husband is in a dark, dark place.
Of course he tells you these things. He is an alcoholic. Alcoholics are in denial. All day. Every day. He will say and do anything to protect his addiction which is why, if you plan on staying, you should brush most everything he says and does right off of your shoulder (unless it interferes with a strict boundary you've set). It is all garbage.
The best advice I can give you is to take care of yourself. Try not to spend too much of your time trying to "fix" this man. It is bad for your soul. Are you willing to accept him as he is right now? If not, what are the steps you're ready to take to ensure your own happiness and peace? He will not change until he is ready.
He has a problem and he will eventually fall. Don't pick him up. As far as I know that is the only way to really help.
I wouldn't talk to his boss. That's very controlling and trying to control this will only cause you pain.
Take care of yourself. Are you seeing a therpist? Attending al-anon?
but he always tells me that his problem is not alcohol and if our marriage is not working well is not because of alcohol.
The best advice I can give you is to take care of yourself. Try not to spend too much of your time trying to "fix" this man. It is bad for your soul. Are you willing to accept him as he is right now? If not, what are the steps you're ready to take to ensure your own happiness and peace? He will not change until he is ready.
He has a problem and he will eventually fall. Don't pick him up. As far as I know that is the only way to really help.
I wouldn't talk to his boss. That's very controlling and trying to control this will only cause you pain.
Take care of yourself. Are you seeing a therpist? Attending al-anon?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: italy
Posts: 32
Dear Latte, thanks for your message. yes in italia there are rehab centers and aa and alanon meetings as well. i can't go to alanon meeting since if he knows about it he would kill me probably and other than that people know me as well and since he is denying his problem i don't want to ruin his reputation. i know he can't go on like this.i know i am depressed and i need help. i tried and trying my best to convince him till now no success.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: italy
Posts: 32
dear crazy4him,
thanks for your message.
i'm not attending alanon meeting.for the time being i am not planning to leave him. i feel pity for him and i still love him.as you said he would probably fall and i can't do anything thing about it. he should accept his problem.
i used to see a therapist. it was really helping but unfortunately she passed away couple of months ago.
in september i will go to visit my parents for a month. i will not be here to control him to not delay his work, make him food and take care of him while he is drunk. i am afraid he hurt himself or make a mistake at work. i know i have to take care of myself and i need some time for myself but i am still worried.
thanks for your message.
i'm not attending alanon meeting.for the time being i am not planning to leave him. i feel pity for him and i still love him.as you said he would probably fall and i can't do anything thing about it. he should accept his problem.
i used to see a therapist. it was really helping but unfortunately she passed away couple of months ago.
in september i will go to visit my parents for a month. i will not be here to control him to not delay his work, make him food and take care of him while he is drunk. i am afraid he hurt himself or make a mistake at work. i know i have to take care of myself and i need some time for myself but i am still worried.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 146
I'm sorry to hear about your therapist, what a shame. 
On the other hand, happy to hear you're going to your parents for the month. Honestly can't think of a better way to get away, family and friends. A month will be a good chunk of time for you to have to yourself.
I know you're worried about him, how could you not? Someone you love is falling apart and all you can do is stand and watch. It's an awful, painful thing to have to go through. You're in good company here, we understand!
If you don't mind me asking, what does he do for work?
On the other hand, happy to hear you're going to your parents for the month. Honestly can't think of a better way to get away, family and friends. A month will be a good chunk of time for you to have to yourself.I know you're worried about him, how could you not? Someone you love is falling apart and all you can do is stand and watch. It's an awful, painful thing to have to go through. You're in good company here, we understand!
If you don't mind me asking, what does he do for work?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Crazy
He is an emergency room physician. She is worried that he might make mistakes and harm his patients while impaired. Maybe the powers that be could get him some help for his disease before that happens?
Sara, I am the recovering alcoholic and I just want you to know I understand and am interested in what those spouses here in friends and family think. Having and ER doctor impaired at work is kind of in the same universe as the drunk driver...
Mark
He is an emergency room physician. She is worried that he might make mistakes and harm his patients while impaired. Maybe the powers that be could get him some help for his disease before that happens?
Sara, I am the recovering alcoholic and I just want you to know I understand and am interested in what those spouses here in friends and family think. Having and ER doctor impaired at work is kind of in the same universe as the drunk driver...
Mark
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 63
Hi Sara
I'm sorry, I can see how anxious and upset you must be at all of this. We have all been there, and are still there to a degree. As for me, I have learned that you cannot force an alcoholic to do anything. His boss can't and you can't. In fact, your nagging him about it only makes things worse. Your husband is on a journey - hopefully towards recovery, but possibly not. The first step is admitting he has a problem. You can't make him see that, he has to see that himself. Usually the way that alcoholics admit they have a problem is when their lives become SO unmanageable or SO dire that it slowly begins to dawn on them. Sometimes the admitting they have a problem happens after a terrible crisis relating to their drinking. In the meantime, they live in denial. And even after admitting they have a problem - there is no guarantee they will be motivated enough to get help.
The sad thing is that there is nothing that you can do for him. That is why in Al-Anon (a support group for partners/friends/family of alcoholics) also have their first step as "admitting our lives were unmanageable" and "admitting we were powerless over alcohol." This is admitting our helplessness/powerlessness over our alcoholic's recovery or drinking problem. That is a very hard step for us to take. It is terrible to watch someone you love live in denial and continue to hurt their lives as well as those around them.
So the sad news is that you have to let him go and walk his journey himself, and pray that he becomes aware of his problem and gets help. In the meantime, the one thing you CAN do is to get help for yourself. AA/Al-Anon say that alcoholism is a "family disease". They say this because it affects the whole family, and the whole family begin to get sick from it. That is why it is so highly recommended to attend Al-Anon to sort out the parts of you that have become "sick" in relation to your husband's alcoholism. And to find peace and a good life for yourself despite your husband's drinking problem. Yes, it is possible - despite his issues, his drinking and his behaviour!
When you asked what to do - the only thing you can do is to arm yourself with knowledge about alcoholism, the effect that has on partners and families, and find support for yourself.
And please remain here and continue to post here and learn and contribute along with the rest of us!
I'm sorry, I can see how anxious and upset you must be at all of this. We have all been there, and are still there to a degree. As for me, I have learned that you cannot force an alcoholic to do anything. His boss can't and you can't. In fact, your nagging him about it only makes things worse. Your husband is on a journey - hopefully towards recovery, but possibly not. The first step is admitting he has a problem. You can't make him see that, he has to see that himself. Usually the way that alcoholics admit they have a problem is when their lives become SO unmanageable or SO dire that it slowly begins to dawn on them. Sometimes the admitting they have a problem happens after a terrible crisis relating to their drinking. In the meantime, they live in denial. And even after admitting they have a problem - there is no guarantee they will be motivated enough to get help.
The sad thing is that there is nothing that you can do for him. That is why in Al-Anon (a support group for partners/friends/family of alcoholics) also have their first step as "admitting our lives were unmanageable" and "admitting we were powerless over alcohol." This is admitting our helplessness/powerlessness over our alcoholic's recovery or drinking problem. That is a very hard step for us to take. It is terrible to watch someone you love live in denial and continue to hurt their lives as well as those around them.
So the sad news is that you have to let him go and walk his journey himself, and pray that he becomes aware of his problem and gets help. In the meantime, the one thing you CAN do is to get help for yourself. AA/Al-Anon say that alcoholism is a "family disease". They say this because it affects the whole family, and the whole family begin to get sick from it. That is why it is so highly recommended to attend Al-Anon to sort out the parts of you that have become "sick" in relation to your husband's alcoholism. And to find peace and a good life for yourself despite your husband's drinking problem. Yes, it is possible - despite his issues, his drinking and his behaviour!
When you asked what to do - the only thing you can do is to arm yourself with knowledge about alcoholism, the effect that has on partners and families, and find support for yourself.
And please remain here and continue to post here and learn and contribute along with the rest of us!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I agree with Cubile. Having a doctor treating folk in emergency situations while he is drunk, is like having a drunk behind the wheel. Knowing the stress of making instant decisions and such that can mean the difference between life and death, my blood runs cold at the damage he could do to someone. Maybe the child of someone here on SR. Getting help may not work for him personally, but it may keep him away from harming patients.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
sara - If it were me (and it's NOT) I would feel that it's my moral obligation to report to his boss. They would have to confront him, of course. Here at my company what would happen is that he'd be immediately put on leave of absence and offered a rehab program. During rehab the chances are very good that the veil of denial will be lifted and with the help of his group therapy would come to accept that indeed, he is an alcoholic.
From the sound of it, there really is no amount of nagging or begging on your part that will get him to AA or into detox if he is in denial. My addicted son had to be threatened with homelessness to get him to treatment and then it wasn't until 2-3 weeks later than he got real about his illness. He's doing well now (60 days clean) but is still in very early recovery. Was it difficult for me to consider he might choose homelessness? You bet it was. Did I have any other choice? NOPE.
As others have suggested, try to get to Al-Anon or at least stay close to SoberRecovery. I've only been here a short time but it's helped me immensely.
Take care.
From the sound of it, there really is no amount of nagging or begging on your part that will get him to AA or into detox if he is in denial. My addicted son had to be threatened with homelessness to get him to treatment and then it wasn't until 2-3 weeks later than he got real about his illness. He's doing well now (60 days clean) but is still in very early recovery. Was it difficult for me to consider he might choose homelessness? You bet it was. Did I have any other choice? NOPE.
As others have suggested, try to get to Al-Anon or at least stay close to SoberRecovery. I've only been here a short time but it's helped me immensely.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
sara-
i agree that your husband's boss needs to be notified immediately. you could do so anonymously drop it in the post:
to whom it many concern:
it has come to my attention that doctor x is drinking alcohol on the job while performing his duties. i thought you should know so that appropriate action can be taken to safeguard his patients. thank you.
i agree that your husband's boss needs to be notified immediately. you could do so anonymously drop it in the post:
to whom it many concern:
it has come to my attention that doctor x is drinking alcohol on the job while performing his duties. i thought you should know so that appropriate action can be taken to safeguard his patients. thank you.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by sara1971 
thank you all. i appreciate your concern.i will do it. i will ask his boss to not mention to him that i was the one who informed him.please wish me luck.
vicariousrising
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 35
The posts above have given some terrific advice and I'm glad you have found some help here.
I would like to just add one more voice to the idea that you seek out either a support group like AlAnon or a new therapist for yourself. Regardless of how your husband feels about it. It is absolutely critical that you take care of yourself and your own state of mind. You cannot help him or your marriage or anyone else if you are not getting the support you need.
Best wishes to you.
I would like to just add one more voice to the idea that you seek out either a support group like AlAnon or a new therapist for yourself. Regardless of how your husband feels about it. It is absolutely critical that you take care of yourself and your own state of mind. You cannot help him or your marriage or anyone else if you are not getting the support you need.
Best wishes to you.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: canada
Posts: 63
hi!
wow, a lot happened in the replies!
What are you planning on doing while you're away in september?
That would be a good window of opportunity to try alanon (but I'm biased)
I hope you learn to take care of YOU
so many of us are concerned about our alcoholic, well no matter what you do
you didn't cause it
you can't control it
you can't cure it
Of course you care about him, but you can care about yourself too
As I am the master worrier, I can tell you that no amount of worrying will change what he does
wow, a lot happened in the replies!
What are you planning on doing while you're away in september?
That would be a good window of opportunity to try alanon (but I'm biased)
I hope you learn to take care of YOU
so many of us are concerned about our alcoholic, well no matter what you do
you didn't cause it
you can't control it
you can't cure it
Of course you care about him, but you can care about yourself too
As I am the master worrier, I can tell you that no amount of worrying will change what he does
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