Indecisive. Not sure what to make of it.
No Day But Today
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 138
Indecisive. Not sure what to make of it.
Has anyone else heard this before? I'm trying to make sense of it still.
Where their addict says "I think one way when I'm with you. I want to quit, and fix everything and make everything work with you. And I want nothing more than that. But when I'm apart from you I don't think I'm ready to quit yet. And I feel like it's better that we don't work it out yet, if we even can"
When he's with me, he acts like himself again. The guy I USED to know. And honestly, I can feel that he still loves me. Just in the way he looks at me...holds me...kisses me. He admited he's an addict. That he has an addictive personality.
But then he goes back to his friends. And he acts like whoever it is that he is now. And then he doesn't want to quit yet. And then he suddenly stops talking to me. He could have been texting me all day, and then he'll just stop. Ignore every attempt I make.
I'm not sure what to make of his behaviour.
Where their addict says "I think one way when I'm with you. I want to quit, and fix everything and make everything work with you. And I want nothing more than that. But when I'm apart from you I don't think I'm ready to quit yet. And I feel like it's better that we don't work it out yet, if we even can"
When he's with me, he acts like himself again. The guy I USED to know. And honestly, I can feel that he still loves me. Just in the way he looks at me...holds me...kisses me. He admited he's an addict. That he has an addictive personality.
But then he goes back to his friends. And he acts like whoever it is that he is now. And then he doesn't want to quit yet. And then he suddenly stops talking to me. He could have been texting me all day, and then he'll just stop. Ignore every attempt I make.
I'm not sure what to make of his behaviour.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Centreville Va
Posts: 57
Your addict friend thinks he is making plenty sense but in reality he is not making any sense at all. He needs help, but he hasnt reached a bottom point yet. Sobriety is a physical, emotional and spiritual exeperience where he has to want to change. He is telling you he isnt ready yet. You have to decide whats right for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I make it out as manipulation.
He keeps you riding along with kisses and sweet talk. He tells you that you are the only thing holding him together so you will continue to play the role for him of caretaker, and when the wallet is empty, the tummy is rumbling, or he feels like taking it easy off the drugs for a bit, he has you to go to.
When I finally saw my STBXABF's actions and motivations for what they were, I felt like a fool. I couldn't believe that I didn't see right thru them. The more he said he loved me and the more he said he wanted to quit and be the man I needed, the more I bought into it. After 10 years, nothing changed with me and certainly nothing changed for the better for him. The disease rolled merrily on.
Now I am making a change for me in separating from him. I can say a prayer that a positive change for him comes from it. It's not in power to change him. I finally see that.
My best to you.
Alice
He keeps you riding along with kisses and sweet talk. He tells you that you are the only thing holding him together so you will continue to play the role for him of caretaker, and when the wallet is empty, the tummy is rumbling, or he feels like taking it easy off the drugs for a bit, he has you to go to.
When I finally saw my STBXABF's actions and motivations for what they were, I felt like a fool. I couldn't believe that I didn't see right thru them. The more he said he loved me and the more he said he wanted to quit and be the man I needed, the more I bought into it. After 10 years, nothing changed with me and certainly nothing changed for the better for him. The disease rolled merrily on.
Now I am making a change for me in separating from him. I can say a prayer that a positive change for him comes from it. It's not in power to change him. I finally see that.
My best to you.
Alice
No Day But Today
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 138
He doesn't get anything from me. I don't give him money. I don't give him food. I don't bail him out. If he comes to me the most I give him is a glass/bottle of water. If he asks for something, say help with writing a resume, I ask him why he wants my help. Why he needs this. What his plan is. If there's no real direction or thought, I tell him the internet will help him. Otherwise, I will help him, whenever I have the time. The most I offer, unfortunately, is comfort. A good nights sleep with a girl in his arms. Cuddle comfort, what I call it. Nothing more though.
I know it has nothing to do with me. I just don't know what to make of the thoughts being different with me around, or without me around.
I know it has nothing to do with me. I just don't know what to make of the thoughts being different with me around, or without me around.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
mucked up, ain't it? jekyll and hyde. addicts are irrational, so there's really no sense trying to figure them out. just look at the actions....this is someone who cannot commit to anything or anyone, who on any given day, at any given TIME of the day is gonna flip out on ya, do a 180, and go get his freak on, who SAYS one thing and does another.
he mouths the right words, enough to keep you in check and make sure he's got that nice soft spot to land and sober up for a bit, get some food and rest, and then DING goes the bell and he's off to the races. again. and again. and again.
remember he is doing EXACTLY what he wants. THIS is his choice.
doesn't have to be yours.
he mouths the right words, enough to keep you in check and make sure he's got that nice soft spot to land and sober up for a bit, get some food and rest, and then DING goes the bell and he's off to the races. again. and again. and again.
remember he is doing EXACTLY what he wants. THIS is his choice.
doesn't have to be yours.
even just that "cuddle time" is enough for him get a feeling of safety and comfort. I liked being able to be there for my girl. In the end though it got totally outweighed by the all the times she WAS NOT THERE for me. enough is enough. I am tired of the lies and manipulation. "I want to quit", "I don;t know what I want to do, but I don't want to lose you". The the weeked would come and she would no show or canc our plans more times than not.
What most people asked me on here was "what are you getting out of this?"
No Day But Today
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 138
It's the no contact that kills me. We live three floors apart. We have almost all mutual friends. It's so hard....He's a huge part of my life. Whenever something good happens...or bad happens...or anything at all happens...I want to go to him. I want to share LIFE with him.
I know he's never there for me anymore. It's been a long time since he has been there for me....I miss those days so much...What's to say they'll ever come back though...
I think that's what kills me. Is knowing what's happened to him.....God...I look at him and I don't even see HIM anymore. He's gone...and I miss him....8 ft away from me...and I missed him.
Right now. I'm not getting anything out of this. When he's more like himself? I get everything I never knew I wanted. Everything I've always wanted...
I know he's never there for me anymore. It's been a long time since he has been there for me....I miss those days so much...What's to say they'll ever come back though...
I think that's what kills me. Is knowing what's happened to him.....God...I look at him and I don't even see HIM anymore. He's gone...and I miss him....8 ft away from me...and I missed him.
Right now. I'm not getting anything out of this. When he's more like himself? I get everything I never knew I wanted. Everything I've always wanted...
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It sounds to me like he wants you AND his drug, and he's doing a pretty good job of keeping both.
The important thing his, do you want him when it includes his drug? Are you willing to settle for being a small part of his life? Are you willing to risk your health by having sex with a man who actively uses?
My heart goes out to you, and all who have to make this decision. I know it isn't easy, I know it hurts, and my prayers go out for you also.
Hugs
The important thing his, do you want him when it includes his drug? Are you willing to settle for being a small part of his life? Are you willing to risk your health by having sex with a man who actively uses?
My heart goes out to you, and all who have to make this decision. I know it isn't easy, I know it hurts, and my prayers go out for you also.
Hugs
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i agree with most of the others. i've lived with this kind of on again off again relationship for 23 yrs. though i've been seperated for about 2 yrs, as far as i know, he's stilll active. he knew just what it took to keep me hanging on while he kept hanging on to his addiction. i think he wants his cake and eat it too.
not saying that he don't love you but i do believe that if he was really ready to quit, he'd do it with or without you. i do understand that you are not doing a lot to help him other than the cuddle time but be aware, unless he seek help, his addiction will more than likely get progressively worse and he will probably began to expect a little more of you. sorry, i think he is doing what addicts do. keeping you and yours in my prayers
not saying that he don't love you but i do believe that if he was really ready to quit, he'd do it with or without you. i do understand that you are not doing a lot to help him other than the cuddle time but be aware, unless he seek help, his addiction will more than likely get progressively worse and he will probably began to expect a little more of you. sorry, i think he is doing what addicts do. keeping you and yours in my prayers
No Day But Today
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 138
In all honesty, he could potentially keep both.
Because he smokes pot, and nothing else, I am willing to be around, if it returns to what it used to be. In the beginning it was on the weekends, with his friends. Usually a friday night after school, at "guys night". But I don't want to be a SMALL part of his life. Not at all. Thankfully there is no health risk that goes along with sex with the two of us.
Thank you Ann. This is the worst decision I've had to make...I'm 18...I should be worrying about where the next party is....Which tattoo is next...Not whether or not I get my boy or not..
I just honestly. Don't want to be without him. Not yet. But now that he's seen he can't walk over me...he seems less willing to talk to me.
Because he smokes pot, and nothing else, I am willing to be around, if it returns to what it used to be. In the beginning it was on the weekends, with his friends. Usually a friday night after school, at "guys night". But I don't want to be a SMALL part of his life. Not at all. Thankfully there is no health risk that goes along with sex with the two of us.
Thank you Ann. This is the worst decision I've had to make...I'm 18...I should be worrying about where the next party is....Which tattoo is next...Not whether or not I get my boy or not..
I just honestly. Don't want to be without him. Not yet. But now that he's seen he can't walk over me...he seems less willing to talk to me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
You know I have given my two cents many times... but I will do it one more. You sound like a smart, sweet young woman. Please take care of you and make the most of your life. Being with someone who is not putting you as a priority is a HUGE mistake. Don't settle! Life is too short to not stay happy and free and feeling good... especially when you are young ... take advantage of the clean slate and build a great life... not an "ok" life.
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