Damaged82

Why do I let him control me?? Why on earth do I always feel the need to make sure he won't flip out if I want to do something without him??

So, I guess we're gonna' try to compromise. I'm nervous about this one-I just really hope that I quit finding empty quarts of beer in his car and hidden around the house. I"m just so sick of hearing him screaming at me that if he didn't have to hide it, I wouldn't have a problem. But, this is where I'm confused...I could have sworn that we tried this before and that I was okay with him coming home after a long day and drinking a couple of beers. I could have also sworn that the reason my problem with his problem started because he became cocky, arrogant, more stubborn than normal, and highly highly defensive if he felt his pride were at stake. I THOUGHT I was okay with it until I noticed that when he had a buzz, if anyone disagreed with him about something he'd start attacking and he's an ass. I don't think he realizes it as being mean; but god, he can be so degrating. And it's useless to disagree with him b/c he's so good at twisting everything around that it leaves my head spinning and I wind up questioning myself rather than defending.

But, we had a great weekend. I hope things will change a bit for the better. I can't handle how frustrating it can be. I wish I could stand up for myself more. I wish I could not give a crap what he thinks and how he'd react. I wish I could be vain sometimes. I wish I could find a way to have HIM wrapped around my finger sometimes and not the other way around. It saddens me b/c he's 27. I'm almost 21. I worry that he stays with me b/c I'm young and cute (speaking of being vain...j/k) for someone his age to catch. All of his friends constantly say how lucky he is b/c he has one of the hottest girlfriends. He's always being perverted (I am a perv. but not always) making sexual inuendos and when I'm going thru a spell of "no offense, don't touch me" he takes offense and tries to guilt trip me into putting out. I can't help but wonder sometimes if he keeps me around b/c of that.

I'm so lonely and so confused. I can't seem to find a friend anywhere that I am compatible with. I feel like I'm going so crazy sometimes and my head won't stop spinning. It all comes down to choices...but I'm so terrified of making the wrong one and there's no way of knowing which decision is right. ARRGH......Love ya' guys. Thanks for the advice on the meetings n' stuff...even tho' there still all pretty far away for my schedule. **Hugz** ~Damaged

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Damaged.

If you won't bend your schedule to get to an alanon meeting, will you please manage to talk to a spouse abuse counselor? I realize you're not married, but do it anyway. Belittling someone to the extent you describe is emotional abuse. It's a trick some insecure people use to break the confidence of a partner they feel they don't deserve... someone who may leave them if they realize how much better they can do. You are young. Please don't allow this person to damage your self esteem any further. It's damned hard to get back.

Hugs,
Smoke

Damaged82

It's not that I WON"T bend my schedule...I really can't bend my schedule. I work everyday til about 6 sometimes later sometimes earlier. I'm sure I'll get to one eventually. I just wish it made sense for once. I wish one of us made some freaking sense. I just wish we had a tape recorder on at all times so we KNEW what eachother was saying and no one could deny or proclaim what's truth.

And I'm pretty mean to him, too. He says it's all the time. I know it's not. It's not always and I know that. But when we argue, he seems so matter of fact that we're completely wrong for eachother, that we fight ALL the time, that I'm a beotch, and that he's the one putting up with my crap and he's sick of it. Then, I apologize for making him feel that way (even though I wonder how much of it is defense and how much is truth) and he usually apologizes back.
His family won't do anything. It's frustrating. I guess I'm the only one that is meant to deal with it now...after all, I chose this life, this man, this path and I live with him.
I'm sad. I feel like giving up. I want to just crawl into a hole and disappear for a while. Out of sight, out of mind. I'm not sure if my absence would be noticed anyway. And I don't live alone, so I can't go home and lock the doors, unplug the phone and be invisible to the rest of the world...I have to remember there's another person with me...always there. I love solitude. I'm lucky if I get the chance to bask in the glory of it a few hours a week. For once...I'm admitting that I'm a bit worried about myself mentally and what this relationship is turning my head into.

I feel this way and what a great weekend. We understood eachother and had many wonderful talks. So, why do my grudges appear out of nowhere? Why isn't it until the incidents are well over for me to show my resentment? God, I hate what I've become. I met my sister's friend for the first time the other night...he walked up (drunk, obviously) and said..."you'll never in your life see me like this again...and whoever you're with is no good for you b/c I just met you and I can already see that you're WAY cooler without him around". I listen to things like that and I wonder if maybe those people are right. Then, I get it in my head that they are right and I start to distance myself a bit to see if it's what I want. Then, we fight b/c of the new distance and I wind up thinking that this is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I'd be a moron to just let it go. I feel like a puppet sometimes. I don't know which thoughts are my own and which thoughts have been branded into my head by lots of guilt trips and screaming matches. Sad.

kitkat

Damaged,
Ok - so you can't get a meeting during the week. What about trying to get into seeing a counselor one day a week during your lunch break? One on one counseling sessions are wonderful ways to "get your head on straight". And if you have a good counselor they can really help you figure out if it's a good relationship to try to save or if you should move on.

I know when the good days hit, it seems like it's all on you and you just don't know how to handle things, but when the bad days hit you just want to run. My AH also twists my words around and is very good at pointing the finger at me. Over the last couple of weeks, I've learned to just not listen to him and to distance myself - regardless of what he says. Just this last Friday I set boundaries for myself and his drinking (see my post from today), and it worked. He didn't like it, but he soon realized that I have a point and he has backed off and just today he admitted he needs to quit and can't do it on his own (big step!!).

I think the hardest part of this recovery is focusing on yourself regardless of what they say or do and not taking the blame for their actions. Something else you might want to try is to get a couple of books on codependency. Sometimes just educating yourself will help you to see where your weak points are and will help you set a plan for yourself.

Good luck and know that we are always here for support.

Hugs,
Kitkat

Damaged82

thanks for the support *Hugz*

EmotionalMeg

Hi Damaged,
You know what jumped out at me from your post?!!
That it sounds like you feel that you are trapped. Do you feel trapped in this relationship? Am I reading in to it too much to say that it sounds like you are being emotionaly manipulated into staying with him?

Girl, you HAVE options here.
This man, if he is an A, is "sick"... he is not in a place to be having an open "give and take", HONEST relationship; You DON'T have to stay.
I KNOW where you are, because I have been there too - I KNOW the signs; I have LIVED them.
Please don't comprimise your health and happiness to please this man.

I have learned the hard way, that relationships are healthy when two people learn how to walk BESIDE each other in life; they grow and learn and change as individuals... what keeps them together is the desire to continue to share their experiences...

Give yourself a chance Damaged...
HE isn't going to make you happy... you have to find it within yourself first.

Take care
Meg

Damaged82

I think my problem is that I DON"T know what I want out of life. Sometimes, I THINK I know what I want then realize the sacrifices I'd have to make to be there and, honestly, the sacrifices don't seem worth it a lot. I have a big problem making decisions that will effect other people or my relationship with other people. I have no idea how to change that about myself. Sometimes I want out and sometimes he wants out. But when we are able to work together we make one hell of a team.

Discussion has been up there for some time about perhaps living seperatley for a bit after this lease is up in January. I know that if we do that there is chance for big change. I'd be really chancing my relationship...I could find someone new or he could find someone new. When I think of that, it makes me sad. Is it horrible that the thought of someone else making him happier than I have makes me sad? Shouldn't I want his happiness?? I've given a lot of thought to what I would do differantly if things didn't work out but the thought still sickens me. Perhaps we moved a little faster than we should have. I mean, what if we live seperately and it turns out to be a great experience and we could still be happily together? I think I think too much. I overanalyze. I take too long to think about all the pros and cons of a big decision and dwell on the cons. Maybe I"M the one with a problem. I'm one of those people that has to run my ideas off of other people to get opinions. It's annoying. I annoy myself. Sheesh. *Hugz* ~Damaged~

jessieandme2003

I have read this thread. I recognize all of it. I have been there. Many of us have. We feel for you in a way only we can.
Sadly, like you, I did not do anything to help myself. I stayed just where you are now. I stayed until the relationship reached a bad place.
Nothing violent or involving police. Just me always being 'mean' and miserable because of his drinking and behavior. Me nagging and giving hateful looks and hating intimacy with him whenver he was drinking. And that became more and more. I began to feel used and taken for granted. I began to wallow in self-pity. I blamed him for all of it. So one day he thought he'd teach me a lesson and left. Called me from the bar to tell me. Came and took his stuff.
Man, I thought I would die, I was so hurt. How could he not love me after all I had done? Yet as I told my family and friends, everyone had the same response: "Man, I thought you'd throw him out way before he'd ever leave."
I was stunned. Everyone else saw it way before I did. Just as everyone here can see things you don't see yet.
I can recommned you read 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie. I did this before going to a meeting. It opened my eyes. Reading your posts I think you'll find yourself in that book.
The beauty is you don't have to make any decisions about your relationship right now. Just read and learn about yourself. Keep talking here, about the things you'll start thinking as you read. I believe it will help you on a path of self discovery that will later lead to your being able to determine what you want in this or any relationship.

JT

Ok since you can't seem to get a handle on what it is you DO want...can you name a few things that you DON"T want.

If you don't want to fight...don't fight. Walk away.

It took me 40 years to stand up for myself. I put up with the crap you are putting up with for 20 years longer than you have been alive. Do you want to do that or do you want to get it together now? I WISH I was asking the questions you are asking when I was 21!!

If you get off at 6 you have time for a quick fast food dinner and then a meeting. Most start at 7... grab something you really like to eat and avoid the drama for the night.

Do what you want hon, but you are not giving yourself enough credit when you allow yourself to be treated that way.

Hugs,
JT

EmotionalMeg

Hi again Damaged,

This is a big clue to your "codependancy"; You are making decisions based on how others will react. You've GOT to put YOURSELF on the top of your priority list.
You deserve to be taken care of, to be happy, to acheive goals, to grow and accomplish; learn and change... These needs are being suffocated by your desire to please everyone else.

Girl, HE does not make you happy; only YOU can do that.

Often, us "codies' look for someone who will fill that void in our lives; anyone to whom we can call our "own". Who we can take care of, tend to, put all our energy into... When what we REALLY need, is to fill that void with ourselves. To figure out who we are, what makes us tick... To explore our past, and come to terms with what it was / is that makes us feel "incomplete". No other person on the face of this planet can give us these things; we have to find them for ourselves first.
And if we begin to believe that the one we love; our partner is the key to our happiness... we set ourselves up for a lifetime of dissapointment.

The possibility of seperation in January may be a "blessing in disguise" for you and he. It is not necessarily the END of things, because the relationship cannot be based on just whether you are "commited" to each other or not. Somehow, you have to find YOURSELF and learn how to be happy with your OWN capable hands. Only then, can ANY relationship begin and grow and LAST in a healthy way.

I hope this helps... been thinking of you
Meg

Damaged82

thank you so much for responding. It gives me hope and a bit more self confidence. I've always been the kind of person that if I've upset someone, I can't handle it. Even if it's my worst enemy, if I've hurt them in any way I must make ammends and reassure that no hard feeling were meant. But I don't get that in return. Sure, I used to expect it...but I'm like that b/c it makes me feel like a good person.

Anyway, gotta' go. Thanks again. I'll be thinking of you all as well. *Hugz* Thanks for being supportive. Glad I can find it SOMEwhere. ~Damaged