kitkat

And I'm really not sure how it went. I really liked the counselor (a man) and felt comfortable in talking about how I really feel. I felt that he is educated in alcoholism and what is needed to recover from it. I don't think my husband liked it though, he hardly talked to me afterward, slept in another room and didn't say good-bye to me this morning. I'm not sure what that is all about.

The counselor did talk to him and question him about his plan for recovery. My AH really doesn't have a plan except to not drink and go to church. He doesn't want to go to AA, because the people there just bring him down. The counselor also talked to him about his struggling business (he has his own gym which only brings home $400-500/month) and what kind of business plan he has - of couse he doesn't have any.

I really didn't think the counselor was accusing. I felt that he had definitely had some empathy about our situation and empathy for my husband and everything he is dealing with. I'm thinking maybe my AH didn't see it the same way.

He also asked us about what we want to work on in our marriage beyond the alcoholism and my AH told him that he feels like he's a stranger in our home - that he's just living with a family. I explained that we haven't had any intimacy in our relationship for many years - due to the alcoholism. We don't communicate and I don't know if we ever have really have. We are complete opposites with absolutely NOTHING in common other than our disfunctional ways - which complimented each other perfectly until now.

So I really don't know what's going to happen. We are going to keep going back to counseling - at least I am. I'm not sure what he is going to do. The counselor had asked if separation had been talked about and I said yes. I had mentioned it to him last Friday that that may be something we will need to look at down the road if we can't work things out this way.

I am still really struggling with the intimacy thing. I feel like if I show affection I am doing it for the wrong reasons. I guess I'm just not ready for that yet. I still have a lot of anger and resentment built up and I am trying to focus on detaching from that and focusing on myself. I feel like if I show affection towards him then I will be doing it just for him and not because I really want to. Right now I just want to be alone and figure things out in my head and learn more about myself. I just don't have the energy to put anything into him - and I know that hurts him, but if I do start putting energy into him, then I know I will be back to my old codependent ways and doing it just to make him happy - not because I really want to. But I'm not sure he's going to have the patience to wait for me to figure things out.

This is really hard and I almost feel like I am not made to be in a relationship. I really like to be alone and have my down time, which is hard to do with kids - otherwise I end up acting codependent and doing everything for everyone else. But if I take downtime for myself then I am a b**** and am not being a "wife". It's so hard to juggle things. I really don't think I would mind being separated from him...life would sure be a lot calmer and the stress would be much less.

Thanks for listening!!
Kitkat

jessieandme2003

Hi kitkat.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone in some of the feelings you mention here.

I am currently working on reconciling with my AH. We have been separated for 4 months and now he is just past 30 days sober.

You said...
My AH feels the same about AA. He says leaving there makes him want to drink, and he laughs. He is doing this on his own this time and just says alcohol is a poison to him now, and he HATES it. He never wants to drink again, period. He really is working on his 'mind' he says, after he had many talks with a counselor he knows about what is in his mind that may have lead to the drinking. I know that doesn't sound like the path to recovery we hear about (AA and meetings and all), but I also know it is HIS recovery and he has to do it HIS way. I do not ever say anything against it. We can only hope the best for them in their efforts.

You said...
and...

and I feel EXACTLY the same way. I can see the hurt is in his eyes, and he even asks me why I don't show more affection. It actually helps me to hear I am not alone. I was starting to worry about why I was being this way and feeling this way. :-)

I can tell you I even mentioned to him last night how nice it was to live alone the past few months. To make all my own decisions, even just what to watch or when to go to bed. It led to me going on a whole rant about how it was to have to cater to his needs, wants and feelings all the time when he was there compared to how it was when he was gone. Just focusing on my own needs wants and feelings was so much easier!

But that lead to a discussion of what I missed when he was gone. So I could try to see the good and bad. (You might want to do that too.) I ended up saying a bunch of silly little things like having him around so I can say "check this out!" when a thunder storm comes on. I finally ended up summarizing by saying "I missed my buddy." That made him laugh. Now he is calling me buddy today.

Hang in there and know you are not alone. We share the feelings and worries of a person who loves an alcoholic with many people here. It is good to be focusing on yourself and your feelings, just don't start putting yourself down for feeling the way you do. Talk about it here (like you are) so we can say "Me too!!!" :-)

mamasmitty

Wow! You are right! It IS good to hear other people say they feel the same ways! Especially about the intamacy!! I just HATE having anything to do with that with him! And I have lived alone when we first got devorced, and I had the same great feelings of freedom! That is when I learned so much about myself!

kitkat

I would LOVE to be alone!! But I think I owe it to the kids and to the marriage to at least try to work things out...after all we still have moments when I do love him and think I will stay with him.

I've decided, though, that I am going to go with my feelings and gut instinct. If I don't feel like giving him a hug - I'm not. I am going to focus on doing what I WANT to do, even if it hurts his feelings. After all - he didn't really care what I thought when he continued to drink himself into a stupor. I know that is part of why I feel the way I do, why I have a problem with intimacy. I just can't let myself go to feel and then be hurt again. I need this wall right now for my own sanity and to be able to focus on me.

I'm really glad there are others out there going thru the same thing. I will definitely keep coming back and talking about what I am going thru. I KNOW all of you will understand. This is definitely a "safe haven" for me to release what's inside.

Thank you all so much!!
Kitkat

mamasmitty

The difference with me is that I am not married to him! It might seem like a good thing, cause I can leaver if I want to, but then I don't have the same "rights" as a wife would have. I can't tell HIM to leave because He is drinking. I just have to put up with it if I want to be with the kids! But When they are gone, who knows! If we do split apart, I want to at least remain "friends" or on good terms because I have known him since I was 4 years old, and he is like family! He is more like a brother to me then a husband/lover. There is a part of me that really wishes we could work it out, but there are more things then his drinking that really bug me, so I don't know.

CATLVR

Hi Kit,

This is exactly my situation. Thank you so much for sharing, please keep us posted.

Take Care, Cindy