Question about a heroin addict...
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: LONG ISLAND, NY
Posts: 9
Question about a heroin addict...
My ex husband has been on heroin for the past year approximately. He has been a lifetime addict(he is 38)... his drug of choice throughout our relationship was always painkillers. Anyhow, we have a 3 1/2 yr old daughter together whom he's only seen about 3 times... and the last time was when she was 6 months old. I know this is the board for addicts, but I was hoping someone might have some insight.
I recently contacted him to see if he would be interested in possibly speaking with or seeing his daughter(my plan was to introduce him as a friend, so as not to hurt her by whatever may or may not be). We texted back and forth and he seemed excited at the opportunity. He said he'd call me in an hour to talk. An hour came, and he said it would be a bit longer... this went on from about 2:30pm-9:30pm when he finally called.
Anyhow, he admitted to me that he was shooting up, and was what he termed as "a junkie." I told him I had been well aware, which I had been. Anyhow, he claimed he was coincidentally going into detox in a few days and that he didn't want his daughter to see him like this. I said, "I just want you two to meet before you wind up dead." (I know it sounds crazy, but that's just how I feel.)
Well he was going to call to speak to her the next day, but never did. 4 days later I get a text that says, "I know you will never believe this, but my phone fell in a can of paint....just got a new one. I meant everything I said. I appreciate you giving me this chance. I really want to get to know her..." bla bla bla. So again... he says he will call, but never does. Then, 4 days after that, he texts me saying he just got kicked out of detox... him and his girlfriend... for smoking in the bathroom, and asks if I know of a place he can detox. I am a nurse, so I guess he thinks I can help in some way. So I text him some names of places.
He proceeds to text me for the next 3 days throughout the course of the day to update me on how he is feeling. ie... nausea, vomiting, chills, pains, etc. But no mention of going to another detox. And says he is still not ready to talk because he is still in "such bad shape" He claims that his habit was 30-40 bags a day just to be "normal"
So my question is this... first of all, is it even possible to do that much? I know other addicts who do only 4 bags a day... and they are pretty bad addicts. Nothing would surprise me though, with him because he was always on the excessive end of the spectrum, above and beyond most others. My other question: Is it more logical that he avoids talking because he is essentially using. Or is it possible that the NOT using would be a more likely factor contributing to the fact that he does not communicate outside of text.
Last question... why would he even SAY he wants to meet his daughter if he has no intention... why play this game? I can't see what he has to gain from it. I don't know... just trying to make heads or tails. I find it so strange that all he does is text, but cannot call. Why even bother doing that much? He has a gf, who is also using with him... they live in a hotel. Neither works... this is their life.
As for me, I have become quite successful since our split. Unexpectedly thrown into single motherhood, I quickly got certified to become a nurses aid, and then immediately went to school to become a nurse. I support me and my daughter fully on my own with no help from anyone, and am now in a normal healthy relationship.
But it haunts me at times knowing he is out there possibly on the verge of death. My daughter is the spitting image of him, and has his personality. She is all of the beautiful qualities that he had, in such a pure innocent form. It breaks my heart that they may never get to appreciate, or even know the other. Him, never to know what she is. And her, never to know who he was. If that makes any sense. Anyhow, any insight as to what exactly might be going on here would be greatly appreciated. God bless all of you............
I recently contacted him to see if he would be interested in possibly speaking with or seeing his daughter(my plan was to introduce him as a friend, so as not to hurt her by whatever may or may not be). We texted back and forth and he seemed excited at the opportunity. He said he'd call me in an hour to talk. An hour came, and he said it would be a bit longer... this went on from about 2:30pm-9:30pm when he finally called.
Anyhow, he admitted to me that he was shooting up, and was what he termed as "a junkie." I told him I had been well aware, which I had been. Anyhow, he claimed he was coincidentally going into detox in a few days and that he didn't want his daughter to see him like this. I said, "I just want you two to meet before you wind up dead." (I know it sounds crazy, but that's just how I feel.)
Well he was going to call to speak to her the next day, but never did. 4 days later I get a text that says, "I know you will never believe this, but my phone fell in a can of paint....just got a new one. I meant everything I said. I appreciate you giving me this chance. I really want to get to know her..." bla bla bla. So again... he says he will call, but never does. Then, 4 days after that, he texts me saying he just got kicked out of detox... him and his girlfriend... for smoking in the bathroom, and asks if I know of a place he can detox. I am a nurse, so I guess he thinks I can help in some way. So I text him some names of places.
He proceeds to text me for the next 3 days throughout the course of the day to update me on how he is feeling. ie... nausea, vomiting, chills, pains, etc. But no mention of going to another detox. And says he is still not ready to talk because he is still in "such bad shape" He claims that his habit was 30-40 bags a day just to be "normal"
So my question is this... first of all, is it even possible to do that much? I know other addicts who do only 4 bags a day... and they are pretty bad addicts. Nothing would surprise me though, with him because he was always on the excessive end of the spectrum, above and beyond most others. My other question: Is it more logical that he avoids talking because he is essentially using. Or is it possible that the NOT using would be a more likely factor contributing to the fact that he does not communicate outside of text.
Last question... why would he even SAY he wants to meet his daughter if he has no intention... why play this game? I can't see what he has to gain from it. I don't know... just trying to make heads or tails. I find it so strange that all he does is text, but cannot call. Why even bother doing that much? He has a gf, who is also using with him... they live in a hotel. Neither works... this is their life.
As for me, I have become quite successful since our split. Unexpectedly thrown into single motherhood, I quickly got certified to become a nurses aid, and then immediately went to school to become a nurse. I support me and my daughter fully on my own with no help from anyone, and am now in a normal healthy relationship.
But it haunts me at times knowing he is out there possibly on the verge of death. My daughter is the spitting image of him, and has his personality. She is all of the beautiful qualities that he had, in such a pure innocent form. It breaks my heart that they may never get to appreciate, or even know the other. Him, never to know what she is. And her, never to know who he was. If that makes any sense. Anyhow, any insight as to what exactly might be going on here would be greatly appreciated. God bless all of you............
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Sonoma Ca
Posts: 22
I think that they do things a little differently out here than back east. For us in most cases one bag was either a full gram or 1/2. But like I said I dont know how they weigh it out there.
As far as the father part goes. I am dealing with something like that with the I do want to see her bs. He probably does love her and want to see her but for whatever reason he just won't or can't. My ex rarely calls to talk to my daughter. She is seven. We just split a 1.5 ago. But for the most part of our relationship he was either drunk or taking to many methadone pills. He just says stuff to me like he will call me back later or call to talk to her tomorrow and never follows through with it just to well shut me up. Really, if he says he will do something it gets me off his back so to speak.
I personally, would let her know who her dad is even if they never meet, and just let her know the good things about him. I never talk badly about my daughters father with her or with in ear shot. Its hard and hurts me that he doesn't want as much to do with her as I would love for. But its life. and I just think I get all this wonderful time with her instead... Not much you can do for someone who doesn't want it. I learned that the hard way. All you are going to do in the end is forcing him to call and spend time. I would much rather have him do it on his own then me making him or begging so to speak.
I dont even know if I was a help or venting my own issues. haha sorry. But I do commend you for single motherhood, its hard. and do to it on your own is awesome. Good luck to you and your daughter. I hope that for your child your ex, her father gets the help he truly needs.
As far as the father part goes. I am dealing with something like that with the I do want to see her bs. He probably does love her and want to see her but for whatever reason he just won't or can't. My ex rarely calls to talk to my daughter. She is seven. We just split a 1.5 ago. But for the most part of our relationship he was either drunk or taking to many methadone pills. He just says stuff to me like he will call me back later or call to talk to her tomorrow and never follows through with it just to well shut me up. Really, if he says he will do something it gets me off his back so to speak.
I personally, would let her know who her dad is even if they never meet, and just let her know the good things about him. I never talk badly about my daughters father with her or with in ear shot. Its hard and hurts me that he doesn't want as much to do with her as I would love for. But its life. and I just think I get all this wonderful time with her instead... Not much you can do for someone who doesn't want it. I learned that the hard way. All you are going to do in the end is forcing him to call and spend time. I would much rather have him do it on his own then me making him or begging so to speak.
I dont even know if I was a help or venting my own issues. haha sorry. But I do commend you for single motherhood, its hard. and do to it on your own is awesome. Good luck to you and your daughter. I hope that for your child your ex, her father gets the help he truly needs.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: LONG ISLAND, NY
Posts: 9
makes sense... well, I certainly was the one who initiated it. But I told him it was fine if he declined to, and I would understand. But he is the one who keeps making contact again to tell me this or that regarding his supposed "sobriety"
not sure about the whole wt thing... I know that there are 10 bags in a bundle, which is $20. I also know he was left an enormous (like just under a million) amt of money which he gets in increments. Between him and his gf, I think they spend over 800 a day or something. And they stay in a very nice hotel... no jobs. must be nice.
But despite it, he says it is pure misery. He doesn't know I know about the money... whole other story. I have a legal investigation pending as far as that goes with my lawyer. Because my daughter is entitled to something of that before it's all gone.
Anyhow, I'm sorry you are going through it too. It's so hard. I respect what you said about not speaking badly about your ex in front of your daughter. I do the same. that's been my rule from day one. It's best for our children, you know?
I appreciate the input so much.... stay strong
not sure about the whole wt thing... I know that there are 10 bags in a bundle, which is $20. I also know he was left an enormous (like just under a million) amt of money which he gets in increments. Between him and his gf, I think they spend over 800 a day or something. And they stay in a very nice hotel... no jobs. must be nice.
But despite it, he says it is pure misery. He doesn't know I know about the money... whole other story. I have a legal investigation pending as far as that goes with my lawyer. Because my daughter is entitled to something of that before it's all gone.
Anyhow, I'm sorry you are going through it too. It's so hard. I respect what you said about not speaking badly about your ex in front of your daughter. I do the same. that's been my rule from day one. It's best for our children, you know?
I appreciate the input so much.... stay strong
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 642
Congrats to you on your success. I am a parent to 2 girls, ages 2 and 4 and its a lot of work if you do it right; cant imagine doing it alone.
I dont know if your ex is using or detoxing at home. Not sure the logic behind only texting except he is either detoxing and doesnt want to talk, lying about detoxing, or doesnt have any minutes on his phone.
Ive never done heroin but 30-40 bags sure sounds like alot, especially for someone who doesnt work. It sounds like a whole lot. And wow with that kind of money I would DEMAND THROUGH THE COURTS THAT YOU RECEIVE CHILD SUPPORT AND IF YOU DONT NEED IT THEN BANK IT FOR YOUR DAUGHTER BECAUSE SHE DESERVES IT.
What I CAN tell you, is that addicts are liars. They will lie to you for any reason and no reason. I know this, because I am one.
You cannot believe anything that comes out of his mouth. I can totally understand your position though. If my husband left I would desperately want him to be part of my daughters lives. Addicts though are selfish people. They dont care about anything except using. You know you cant make him do anything. You know you cant make him WANT to see her. The truth is, if he wanted to, he would have. Dont let HIM hold all the cards. I would write him a letter. I would tell him that you are done helping, advising, contacting, and reaching out. If he wants to see his daughter he has to get clean and he has to come to you. Period. I would insist that after getting clean he may see her one time. After that he must prove 3-6 months of clean time before seeing her again or becoming part of her life. HE NEEDS INTENSE, LONG TERM THERAPY AND REHABILITATION INCLUDING NA. He has to want this, and he must not give up. I would set up a meeting. One where you can speak with him. Maybe he could come alone to your house and see your daughter for a bit and then you can let her watch a movie or something so you can talk. Needs to be the most heart felt talk you ever have. I would be tough, but ready to support if hes ready to take action.
Under no circumstances does he deserve to be in and out of her life at his convenience.
You are a strong mother and should be proud of yourself. Keep yourself and your daughter on track. You can do this, keep us updated. Also check out the friends and family board.
I dont know if your ex is using or detoxing at home. Not sure the logic behind only texting except he is either detoxing and doesnt want to talk, lying about detoxing, or doesnt have any minutes on his phone.
Ive never done heroin but 30-40 bags sure sounds like alot, especially for someone who doesnt work. It sounds like a whole lot. And wow with that kind of money I would DEMAND THROUGH THE COURTS THAT YOU RECEIVE CHILD SUPPORT AND IF YOU DONT NEED IT THEN BANK IT FOR YOUR DAUGHTER BECAUSE SHE DESERVES IT.
What I CAN tell you, is that addicts are liars. They will lie to you for any reason and no reason. I know this, because I am one.
You cannot believe anything that comes out of his mouth. I can totally understand your position though. If my husband left I would desperately want him to be part of my daughters lives. Addicts though are selfish people. They dont care about anything except using. You know you cant make him do anything. You know you cant make him WANT to see her. The truth is, if he wanted to, he would have. Dont let HIM hold all the cards. I would write him a letter. I would tell him that you are done helping, advising, contacting, and reaching out. If he wants to see his daughter he has to get clean and he has to come to you. Period. I would insist that after getting clean he may see her one time. After that he must prove 3-6 months of clean time before seeing her again or becoming part of her life. HE NEEDS INTENSE, LONG TERM THERAPY AND REHABILITATION INCLUDING NA. He has to want this, and he must not give up. I would set up a meeting. One where you can speak with him. Maybe he could come alone to your house and see your daughter for a bit and then you can let her watch a movie or something so you can talk. Needs to be the most heart felt talk you ever have. I would be tough, but ready to support if hes ready to take action.
Under no circumstances does he deserve to be in and out of her life at his convenience.
You are a strong mother and should be proud of yourself. Keep yourself and your daughter on track. You can do this, keep us updated. Also check out the friends and family board.
Last edited by Nallabelle; 07-23-2009 at 06:31 PM.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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So many times addicts mean what they say - in that moment when they say it. Unfortunately, that moment during which they are speaking passes away all too quickly.... It is not necessarily that he is a "liar" - maybe he means what he says (or what he texts) in his active addiction but lacks the ability to follow through.
It sounds like he is truly not capable of any kind of relationship with his daughter, and that even the most minimal interaction may cause harm to her. If your positive stories of him live in her memory - and that is all that she has - that is better than seeing her father in any kind of state of active addiction. Unfortunately, he is right - her seeing him like he is at this moment, a sick and suffering addict, will not help her to know him as the man you once loved. I pray that he does not die from this disease. If he does, though, I don't think that you would want her daughter's only memory of him to be one of him as a sick and suffering "junkie". If he is unable and unwilling to follow through with contact in the condition that he is in, perhaps this means that he is still in touch with his sense of judgement...(imo only, of course). Be grateful for that.
I read your post and heard so much strength, so many things to be grateful for. You have come so far, as a single mother raising your daugher on your own, creating and developing a successful career, and developing a network of support, not to mention separating yourself and protecting yourself and your daughter from the chaos and insanity of heroin addiction. Hold to your strength. Let him go, with gratitude and thanksgiving in the knowledge that his lack of contact right now is insulating and protecting your precious child.
Love to you and your family,
Amanda
It sounds like he is truly not capable of any kind of relationship with his daughter, and that even the most minimal interaction may cause harm to her. If your positive stories of him live in her memory - and that is all that she has - that is better than seeing her father in any kind of state of active addiction. Unfortunately, he is right - her seeing him like he is at this moment, a sick and suffering addict, will not help her to know him as the man you once loved. I pray that he does not die from this disease. If he does, though, I don't think that you would want her daughter's only memory of him to be one of him as a sick and suffering "junkie". If he is unable and unwilling to follow through with contact in the condition that he is in, perhaps this means that he is still in touch with his sense of judgement...(imo only, of course). Be grateful for that.
I read your post and heard so much strength, so many things to be grateful for. You have come so far, as a single mother raising your daugher on your own, creating and developing a successful career, and developing a network of support, not to mention separating yourself and protecting yourself and your daughter from the chaos and insanity of heroin addiction. Hold to your strength. Let him go, with gratitude and thanksgiving in the knowledge that his lack of contact right now is insulating and protecting your precious child.
Love to you and your family,
Amanda
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
I like Amanda's insights here, and echo her sentiments exactly.
And I welcome both of you to SR.com
Such a shame to hear of a guy with so much to live for ... a precious child, a nice nest-egg sitting in the bank ... just ... p*ssin' it all away on dope. That's just terribly tragic ... you're right to try to get your hands on some of that on your daughters behalf. It won't take a two junkies long to burn through a million bucks, believe me.
And I welcome both of you to SR.com
Such a shame to hear of a guy with so much to live for ... a precious child, a nice nest-egg sitting in the bank ... just ... p*ssin' it all away on dope. That's just terribly tragic ... you're right to try to get your hands on some of that on your daughters behalf. It won't take a two junkies long to burn through a million bucks, believe me.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 184
Part of Amanda's post really struck me...
My nephew first knew his father as a 'hopeless drunk' and later as a 'sick and suffering junkie' who was in and out of his life, constantly letting him down after promising to see him or call him. He then disappeared for a while and my sister had an investigator track him down in another state, he was dead of a heroin overdose. Through all of it my nephew tried to love his father, and his mother tried to keep the good things about him in front, noting that it is the addiction that 'causes daddy to act that way' - but it really messed him up. He has been in therapy since he was 8 - he is now 16. My sister is strong, like you, and raised her children (nephew and 2 with husband) with love and dignity. She tries to show them what healthy relationships look like with her husband and how they all interact as a family. IMHO he would have been better off never having known his father as he was active all the way until he died and that is all nephew will have as a memory. Luckily, his step dad is also his godfather (I am godmother) and has been in his life since before day 1. He has always been someone nephew could rely on and now has stepped into the 'dad' role and is helping nephew work through a lot of issues. - Sorry for the rambling , my point is your daughter would likely be better off not having contact with her father until he is able to get clean and be a dependable person in terms of building/maintaining the relationship with her. Stay strong.
her seeing him like he is at this moment, a sick and suffering addict, will not help her to know him as the man you once loved. I pray that he does not die from this disease. If he does, though, I don't think that you would want her daughter's only memory of him to be one of him as a sick and suffering "junkie".
mi vida loca
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: the desert
Posts: 351
hi there-
i dont have much to add; i did want to say that you sound so very strong...what a great job you are doing with your situation, your daughter is lucky to have a mama like you. you should be and i hope you are proud of yourself~keep it up!!!! take care all-
i dont have much to add; i did want to say that you sound so very strong...what a great job you are doing with your situation, your daughter is lucky to have a mama like you. you should be and i hope you are proud of yourself~keep it up!!!! take care all-
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