bananagrrrl

Hi all,

I have been going to AA meetings for about 5 months and I have only shared a handful of times- mostly when they look at me and ask me if I want to share or volunteer me.

I don't have a sponsor yet and I pretty much come to the meetings on time and leave right after.

Sharing seems very awkward. I don't want to because I feel like I don't have anything to add to the discussion. Or when I do, I worry I will trip all over my words or sound stupid.

Any advice? I know I need a sponsor. I am just so shy. I don't want to stand around after the meeting.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. I feel like a huge dork.

Banana

Tazman53

Do not feel alone or embarrassed about being nervous sharing, I know one guy who did not say a word in a meeting for a year even though he went to at least one a day every day that whole time. Actually he may have said "No thanks, I am just listening tonight." but that was it.

Certainly there is one person you have seen/heard at those meetings you could ask to be your temporary sponsor. It is far easier to ask someone to be your temporary sponsor, there is no firm commitment in either direction and it gets the door open for you.

Think of AA and sobriety as a disk........ the closer one is to the edge of the disk the easier it is for one to fall of that disk, the closer one is to the center the less likely one is to fell off the disk.

Here is a suggestion that may help as well, show up to some meetings 15 minutes early and offer to help out the person/people setting up the meeting, I garauntee you that you will not be rejected but you will see a smile on the persons face and your offer to help will be more then welcome. Usually the person/people setting up are fairly new to the program as well so that will help with the comfort level.

In regards to feeling like you have nothing to say, well if you don't just say no thanks I am just listening, but if you get a sponsor and start taking the steps you will find you do have something to say.

You know maybe next time you are asked to share you could share that you are seeking a temporary sponsor and would like to hear what type of person you should be seeking out as a sponsor.

Learn2Live

"Go early, stay late." I felt the same way as you. I didn't want to talk and had no idea what I could add to benefit anyone. I didn't want to talk one-on-one with ANYONE, much less in a group setting. Try just sharing what you are going thru, what you feel, what someone said to you that bothered you. Don't compare yourself to others in the meeting. You don't know how much you can help others by sharing.

tamcor123

Every person has a story,the purpose of sharing is so that we can learn from each other because if all i have are my own ideas and my own story iam going to drink because my best thoughts got me in my own predicament. With the help of others i can find hope in their story. So for now i wouldnt worry to much on what your saying or not but rather are you listening to others and following their path. As it says in how it works page 5 in the bb rarely have we someone fail who has thoroughly followed our path. we have all felt this way but it changes just do the next easiest right thing you can do wich it seems you are. Keep coming back it works if you work it.

There is only one thing i can give you in this life and that is hope.I hope you receive it today.:

keithj

There was one and only one suggestion I was given about sharing in AA. Tell the truth. I don't have to impress anyone, or say the right thing, I just have to tell the truth. It's been working for me for quite a while.

stone

I try to be honest, keep it about recovery and not about my broken washing machine and I keep it short. Sometimes I forget what I am talking about and trip over my words and stuff.....no-one cares, no-one is judging...and if they are, screw em.
It took me about a year or more in AA before I could open my mouth without having a nervous breakdown about it though, lol.

justanothrdrunk

First, I'll bet the farm that just about everyone there, at one time or another, felt EXACTLY like you do. I know I did. Exactly. The. Same.

It was SOOOOO hard for me to meet people at AA. I had this expectation that folks would just automatically come up to me and invite me for coffee and whatnot. Didn't happen.

It was really tough, but I just sorta had to hang myself out there. Start going a little early, hang around a little after, etc. And if I was just standing there, so what?

All it takes is just a little introduction. In addition, I just started telling folks how hard it is for me to meet people, I'm new, I don't know anyone. Tell that to just a couple folks, and ask for help in meeting others. Pretty soon you'll be getting introduced to the whole group.

In addition, when it came time for me to speak, I did a few things. First, I stopped thinking about what I would say in advance and made an effort to really focus on what others were sharing. When it came to my turn, I hadn't rehearsed in my head. If I had nothing, I had nothing, and I passed. When I had something (regardless of if I felt what I had to share was "worthy" or not), I shared from the heart and as honestly as possible.

And that's all I would expect from anyone else at an AA meeting. I want folks to just share what's on their mind at the moment as honestly as possible.

tommyk

Time to get out of your 'comfort zone' and make some changes?

Start arriving a little bit early at meetings, do some things you DON'T want to do.

You will discover that it is completely painless, it is simply fear of fear itself, unfounded.

bg1971

I know exactly how you feel, even though I found a sponsor at my first meeting and at 7 months am sponsoring someone else after completing the 12 steps. I can only imagine how much harder it would be not having a sponsor. I agree with Tazman, next time you are asked to share just tell them that you've been coming for a few months and are looking for a temp sponsor. I don't know what more you could be getting from meetings at this point other than hearing and knowing that you are not the only alcoholic out there. My sponsor told me not to share until I had completed my 5th step, I've heard others say that some groups don't want you to share during your first year. The reason for this is that you should be listening to others when you are new, which is part of overcoming ego. I'm at the point now (7 months) were I hear so much wisdom and amazing advice that I feel that I don't have anything worth sharing. It's truely humbling and I think that as relatively new person this is a phase I'm going through, and I'm just enjoying listening to others share. I hope that in time I will want to share more and do plan to put myself out there more in time.

Anyway, I advise you find a tem sponsor and try going to meetings a little early and hang out with some people. I can see in this instance where being a smoker would actually help! I don't always make it early or stay late because i am (still thank God) married and have 2 small children, but it really helps if you put yourself out there a bit more and meet some people. As I said earlier, I am consistantly impressed by how many amazing people I've met in AA.

bananagrrrl

Thank you all so very much for the many replies. I am going to follow the advice given.

1_day@_a_time

excellent!!!!!!!!!!

four812

way to go bannagirl

you've received some excellent feedback

honesty is the most important thing for me. it's even more important than hearing someone who is very knowledgeable about recovery, for me usually. an honest share from someone who is struggling, and yet someone who is opening themselves up and being vulnerable is a gift every time.

so just be yourself....you are a beautiful flower inside your heart and this flower is going to blossom and grow into the authentic and beautiful YOU

joedris

If you ever doubt the value of what you may say at a meeting, remember that "No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others." Often it's a casual remark or something said in passing that will have an significant effect on another alcoholic. I've heard folks with very little sobriety say some very profound things in meetings, often without even realizing it. Every experience you've had can be of help to another alcoholic, so please don't ever worry that you can't add to the discussion. Hasn't it occured to you that in asking if you want to share, the others want to hear what you have to say?

louis

Hi....

I could have written that post myself and am really pleased you did.... so thankyou.

I have been going to meetings for nearly 5 months and only recently spoke...
I couldn't even say "pass".... my heart pounded when they went round the room.... i shaked... i couldn't hear what was being said so how could i respond....

I had to get past it.... i have spoken 3 times now....
The first time.... i thought i'd cry but i did it.... i am sur i made no sense what so ever... but i did it...
The next time.... i wrote little key words on the back of my hand as we went round the room... and i said to myself... "well... i dont have to speak... but if i want i have notes to remind me of what i want to say".... now i didnt sy everthing i wanted to but it really helped.
Then today i shared again.... and i said i got really scared because my mind blanked in mid sentence and i was embarrased and also i was scared i wasn't talking about what they were...

I got really positive feedback.... and basically was told... it happens to everyone and tat talk abotu whatever you want...

It also helped when a guy with 30yr sobriety told me that he stopped talking about 6 months ago... he's fine now.... but it showed me... everyone does go through it... no matter how much time they have at sharing.

Again i want to thank you for sharing here.... and
everyone who has responded... its helped me too

Be good to yourself
louis

louis

Hey....

Thought of somthing else that was passed to me...
If your group has meetings with the seats in rows... then sit in the front row.
Takes the pressure off you of others being there.....

Im gonna try it myself tomorrow... or as they say here in Scotland.... "come join the body of the kirk".... cept they use a scotish accent :O)

Emmajb1982

I am 2 years sober and also struggle with sharing in a group. If it is a small meeting with only a few people I find it easier. I have no problem sharing in the break that is where I usually get it all out and I also do share all of my things with 5 members. But I am ok with it. Well trying to be. I find it funny my head goes blank and it is like I am speaking a foreign language when I open my mouth in the meeting but am good when it is the break. It is something that has always been there since I can remember and people say to me it will be OK you will be able to share soon. Well I've been in and out for 17 years but this time I have thrown myself into the programme and work really hard on myself. Also outside of the meetings my fear of people is getting better 😀5 years ago I hardly left the house now I go to my daughters school things and go to food shopping and am able to go for a coffee alone which a couple of years ago was a definite no. So I'll stop giving myself a hard time as looking at my steps my biggest defect is fear and fear of people so being in a meeting with the door closed is big for me so maybe I should just accept that it is part of me and look at all the positives that have happened as long as I am sharing it doesn't matter if it's in front of 30 people or 3. Also it has been real slow progress for me which I am good with if I had it all in one go it would be to much its just trying I hope this has made sense thanks emma

Dee74

Hi and welcome Emmajb1982

just so you realise, this is a pretty old thread, so the people you're posting to may not be around to reply back

D

PhoenixJ

I always practice little narratives- just in case I am invited to share. I always make myself share. I never use muy practice speeches. I just talk about what is relevant in my recovery- in the here and now. I rarely do the I did this, I wa sh.it,oh I am so thankful. Probably 'cos I aint. It is hard work. I talk about daily struggles- sometimes relating it to others who have shared.
As to a sponsor- do you decide to 'get a friend' because you want a friend at a party? It is not that silly- but I do see people feel the need so strongly, they do not think through their feeling. Like a friend- a sponsor should be someone who you relate to, respect and like. Perhaps listen to people's shares and if you strongly relate to one- approach them. Or approach a home group member and ask.
Hanging around to socialise- nope do not do that. But I get there a little early- so I can sit in a spot so when the 12 step read out bit happens- I can see it to read. I often (now) help stack chairs, wash dishes etc after. Productive- people get to know me and it gets me out of my comfort zone without looking like a pimple on Naomi Campbell's face- out of place. Same with collecting phone numbers. Do it if it 'feels' right.
Support to you. PJ

Fly N Buy

Old thread but consistent theme. The most important part of your post - I am two years sober!

I know friends who chat it up daily and can't seem to get 90 days sober. Good for you. Talk, don't talk either way. Keep up the good work and keep going to meetings.

Others notice that quiet person with two years - you're an example to others and likely font realize this.

Sharing gratitude is always a good place to start I find. Bet your full of being thankful and can express it.

Good job

Done4today

I totally relate. I don't like sharing most of the time. But as others have said, just be honest about what is going on. Early I used to organize my thoughts as the meeting went on to make sure I "sounded" right. Now I truly try to clear my mind and let the words come from the heart. No rethought only honest assessment of me and the topic. Good luck and stay in the herd.

Lastly, the BS meter is off the charts in those rooms. So if you really want to impress people be extremely honest about what a hot mess you are.