Not sure how to title this...
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
Not sure how to title this...
I'm not really sure how to title this thread...
Hubby came home late last night, he was out mowing, and in a fairly grumpy mood. He snapped at me and my daughter over absolutely anything. There was no reason for it, I'd already fed the kids and we were out having a little campfire roasting hotdogs and marshmellows. Everything was going great, he had no business ruining our night, tired or not!
Anyway, I was so angry!!!! It took everything in my power not to go off in front of the kids. The only words that even came to mind were I'm done, I'm through, I want out and I'm moving.
I don't know what has kept me here, I think somewhere I do love him because he can be a good person. So much has been done that I cannot view him in the same light I once naively thought.
It makes me mad that he just gets to write off his stupid behavior on drinking and it's all ok. Why does he get to wake up the next day oblivious to his insults and smart remarks without a clue of what happened? The only reason he apologizes is because I make him feel bad. He doesn't generally apologize for himself unless I say something.
Why is it he never realizes the impact that he has on the people around him?
It makes me mad that he writes his behavior off on drinking while I'm left to deal with my raw emotions.
It makes me mad that he thinks I'm just going to readily open myself up to him over and over despite the crappy way he treats me. I don't work like that and I don't know many who do. He thinks that no matter how he treats me that when he acts all lovey-dovey I'm just supposed to respond accordingly.
Maybe that's why allbi could think of last night was saying that I was done and over us.
Hubby came home late last night, he was out mowing, and in a fairly grumpy mood. He snapped at me and my daughter over absolutely anything. There was no reason for it, I'd already fed the kids and we were out having a little campfire roasting hotdogs and marshmellows. Everything was going great, he had no business ruining our night, tired or not!
Anyway, I was so angry!!!! It took everything in my power not to go off in front of the kids. The only words that even came to mind were I'm done, I'm through, I want out and I'm moving.
I don't know what has kept me here, I think somewhere I do love him because he can be a good person. So much has been done that I cannot view him in the same light I once naively thought.
It makes me mad that he just gets to write off his stupid behavior on drinking and it's all ok. Why does he get to wake up the next day oblivious to his insults and smart remarks without a clue of what happened? The only reason he apologizes is because I make him feel bad. He doesn't generally apologize for himself unless I say something.
Why is it he never realizes the impact that he has on the people around him?
It makes me mad that he writes his behavior off on drinking while I'm left to deal with my raw emotions.
It makes me mad that he thinks I'm just going to readily open myself up to him over and over despite the crappy way he treats me. I don't work like that and I don't know many who do. He thinks that no matter how he treats me that when he acts all lovey-dovey I'm just supposed to respond accordingly.
Maybe that's why allbi could think of last night was saying that I was done and over us.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
Posts: 131
Originally Posted by inahaze 
I'm not really sure how to title this thread...
Hubby came home late last night, he was out mowing, and in a fairly grumpy mood. He snapped at me and my daughter over absolutely anything. There was no reason for it, I'd already fed the kids and we were out having a little campfire roasting hotdogs and marshmellows. Everything was going great, he had no business ruining our night, tired or not!
Anyway, I was so angry!!!! It took everything in my power not to go off in front of the kids. The only words that even came to mind were I'm done, I'm through, I want out and I'm moving.
I don't know what has kept me here, I think somewhere I do love him because he can be a good person. So much has been done that I cannot view him in the same light I once naively thought.
It makes me mad that he just gets to write off his stupid behavior on drinking and it's all ok. Why does he get to wake up the next day oblivious to his insults and smart remarks without a clue of what happened? The only reason he apologizes is because I make him feel bad. He doesn't generally apologize for himself unless I say something.
Why is it he never realizes the impact that he has on the people around him?
It makes me mad that he writes his behavior off on drinking while I'm left to deal with my raw emotions.
It makes me mad that he thinks I'm just going to readily open myself up to him over and over despite the crappy way he treats me. I don't work like that and I don't know many who do. He thinks that no matter how he treats me that when he acts all lovey-dovey I'm just supposed to respond accordingly.
Maybe that's why allbi could think of last night was saying that I was done and over us.
Hubby came home late last night, he was out mowing, and in a fairly grumpy mood. He snapped at me and my daughter over absolutely anything. There was no reason for it, I'd already fed the kids and we were out having a little campfire roasting hotdogs and marshmellows. Everything was going great, he had no business ruining our night, tired or not!
Anyway, I was so angry!!!! It took everything in my power not to go off in front of the kids. The only words that even came to mind were I'm done, I'm through, I want out and I'm moving.
I don't know what has kept me here, I think somewhere I do love him because he can be a good person. So much has been done that I cannot view him in the same light I once naively thought.
It makes me mad that he just gets to write off his stupid behavior on drinking and it's all ok. Why does he get to wake up the next day oblivious to his insults and smart remarks without a clue of what happened? The only reason he apologizes is because I make him feel bad. He doesn't generally apologize for himself unless I say something.
Why is it he never realizes the impact that he has on the people around him?
It makes me mad that he writes his behavior off on drinking while I'm left to deal with my raw emotions.
It makes me mad that he thinks I'm just going to readily open myself up to him over and over despite the crappy way he treats me. I don't work like that and I don't know many who do. He thinks that no matter how he treats me that when he acts all lovey-dovey I'm just supposed to respond accordingly.
Maybe that's why allbi could think of last night was saying that I was done and over us.
"Honey, thanks for snapping at me for nothing this afternoon, it made me feel loved."
"Sweatheart, thank you for never taking ownership and responsibility for your actions. I especially love it when you blame it on me. That is the role model I want for our kids. I want them to grow up to be just like you."
"Dear, would you please go out and get drunk tonight... and then come home and ask me to be amourous with you. I find that oh so sexy."
"Honey, don't worry about picking anything up. You already did that once this year."
"Oh, and I really love it when you insult me and belittle me. It is extra special when you do it in front of the kids."
Of course it sounds crazy. And of course you are mad.
We all have a breaking point. It seems like you may have just found yours.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
OMG inahaze how many nice moments did my alcoholic Dad ruin when I was a kid?? SUCKED!!! Kept me in a state of permanent egg-shell walking in all my important relationships for years of my life. YUK.
Well I have to say maybe you reached your limit? You had a lightbulb "I'm done" moment of clarity there by the campfire?
I run a lot and I remember for years (yes years!) I would be jogging and ruminating in my head "how is this marriage going to end, I can't take it anymore, how am I gonna get out of this?" Then one day I just knew - it was over. Unfortunately it was a day he was super grumpy and he threw a fit and smashed a bunch of crap in the house - so I knew I BETTER get out!!
I hope it doesn't come to that for you and your kids. Can your kids talk to you about his alcoholism? I sure hope so. It would have made a world of difference for me if my mom had been in REALITY with us kids.
My exH was the same way - NEVER apologized for anything. And I found myself just keeping a tally and building up resentment and anger and - eeew I did not like who I became.
I hope you find some lightness and peace and a smile tonight for yourself.
((((((hugs))))))
peace-
b
Well I have to say maybe you reached your limit? You had a lightbulb "I'm done" moment of clarity there by the campfire?
I run a lot and I remember for years (yes years!) I would be jogging and ruminating in my head "how is this marriage going to end, I can't take it anymore, how am I gonna get out of this?" Then one day I just knew - it was over. Unfortunately it was a day he was super grumpy and he threw a fit and smashed a bunch of crap in the house - so I knew I BETTER get out!!
I hope it doesn't come to that for you and your kids. Can your kids talk to you about his alcoholism? I sure hope so. It would have made a world of difference for me if my mom had been in REALITY with us kids.
My exH was the same way - NEVER apologized for anything. And I found myself just keeping a tally and building up resentment and anger and - eeew I did not like who I became.
I hope you find some lightness and peace and a smile tonight for yourself.
((((((hugs))))))
peace-
b
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
saying that I was done and over us.
That says it all. You don't need to cover him with words. You don't owe him explanations. You have tried, you have been his wife, supporter, friend and made his life easier. He has not returned the love, affection, and support to you.
He will continue to dismiss his bad behavior on his addiction or disease, because it has worked in the past. It is clear that you are finished with accepting excuses for unexcusable behavior.
For me, my anger and frustration over the never ending cycle was the fuel I needed to propel me forward into a healthier lifestyle for myself and my children.
I hope your future includes more marshmellows, hotdogs and peaceful nights!
That says it all. You don't need to cover him with words. You don't owe him explanations. You have tried, you have been his wife, supporter, friend and made his life easier. He has not returned the love, affection, and support to you.
He will continue to dismiss his bad behavior on his addiction or disease, because it has worked in the past. It is clear that you are finished with accepting excuses for unexcusable behavior.
For me, my anger and frustration over the never ending cycle was the fuel I needed to propel me forward into a healthier lifestyle for myself and my children.
I hope your future includes more marshmellows, hotdogs and peaceful nights!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
You're angry and fed up with it because it is not appropriate behavior.
You're tired of it because it happens over and over without apology or signs of ever ceasing.
You're done and you want to leave because that is all there is left to say about it.
Dealing with an active alcoholic is like banging your head on a brick wall. It will continue to be skull numbingly painful and absolutely purposeless until you stop doing it.
There have to be boundaries, well defined, secure, and enforceable boundaries made by you, designed around your own actions and responses, and enforced by you to survive such a living environment, and even then there are limits.
I've equated living with an active alcoholic with boundaries kind of like banging my head against a wall every once in a while. I stop doing it right away, and it kinda reminds me of why I shouldn't bang my head against walls, but in reality I already know that well enough and I don't particularly need the refresher course however infrequent.
Every relationship has its moments. Everybody gets cross and needs to check themselves from time to time, and well-meaning people apologize when their crossness affects those around them.
That said, what you seem to have is a charming home life right down to roasting marshmellows in the backyard with the kiddos, only you live with someone who would rather p**s on the fun than join in it. He doesn't get peace from family and home, he gets it from a bottle.
You have it within you to be so much more. It's just gotten buried along the way.
Dig it back out and stay strong.
Best to you.
Alice
You're tired of it because it happens over and over without apology or signs of ever ceasing.
You're done and you want to leave because that is all there is left to say about it.
Dealing with an active alcoholic is like banging your head on a brick wall. It will continue to be skull numbingly painful and absolutely purposeless until you stop doing it.
There have to be boundaries, well defined, secure, and enforceable boundaries made by you, designed around your own actions and responses, and enforced by you to survive such a living environment, and even then there are limits.
I've equated living with an active alcoholic with boundaries kind of like banging my head against a wall every once in a while. I stop doing it right away, and it kinda reminds me of why I shouldn't bang my head against walls, but in reality I already know that well enough and I don't particularly need the refresher course however infrequent.
Every relationship has its moments. Everybody gets cross and needs to check themselves from time to time, and well-meaning people apologize when their crossness affects those around them.
That said, what you seem to have is a charming home life right down to roasting marshmellows in the backyard with the kiddos, only you live with someone who would rather p**s on the fun than join in it. He doesn't get peace from family and home, he gets it from a bottle.
You have it within you to be so much more. It's just gotten buried along the way.
Dig it back out and stay strong.
Best to you.
Alice
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
The right thing to do isn't always the easiest.
The wrong think to do, which I thought was the right thing to do sometimes seems to appear to the be the better path but in the long run it ends up being the hardest path to have taken.
My experience anyway.....gotta love hind sight.:-)
The wrong think to do, which I thought was the right thing to do sometimes seems to appear to the be the better path but in the long run it ends up being the hardest path to have taken.
My experience anyway.....gotta love hind sight.:-)
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