Aysha

After my last screw up over the weekend. I sat down with my gram and we were taling about why I am so angry. She said because of things that have happened to me growing up and things I have done to myself as an adult.
I have been told so many times that my childhood was messed up. Mother missing since I was 5. Alcoholic father that was in prison all the time. Alcoholic grandparents. Too much freedom at a young age. A huge enabler. Molested. Moved from one family members house to the next every year of school. I only stayed in one school the whole year in 6th grade. That was it.
I didnt want to hear anyone tell me my life was bad. Becasue to me it wasnt. And if it was. I didnt know it or believe it.
So they continue to tell me that it has to have effected me and thats why I am an addict.
I still dont believe it.
Pushing the underlying issues thing on me.
I guess when your told something enough times you start to believe it.
So that has been my problem. I started to believe it. Feel sorry for myself.
Almost using it as an excuse for all thats wrong with me.
Truth is. There really isnt anything wrong with me aside from drug use.
I almost gave in to that thinking of underlying issues.
I dont believe I had a bad childhood. I was loved and had everything I needed and wanted. I was very lucky my grams took care of me and raised me and always put me first.
I would be in a pretty bad place had she not.
So even though all that other stuff happened. I never let it bother me. Becasue I had what I needed. My grams made sure I knew I was loved. So with all that love she gave me. Made all that other stuff seem like it didnt matter.
And it doesnt. And it wont.
If I dont have any issues or problems with it. Why should any one else?
I almost let myself get sucked in to that crap.

I heard on tv today.
"I will not be victim. I grow and I lrearn from it."
And thats what I want to do.
I will not be a victim of circumstance.
And I was never aware there was a circumstance to be honest.

Bamboozle

Chiy, you are a very strong person and I know you can make it through...but it is okay to talk to someone about all of this.

Girl, you've been through a sh!tton more than I have. Even though I haven't seen many of the troubles that others here have I do therapy. It's been a life saver for me...it helps to keep me focused.

I hope you consider it...you don't have to carry this alone.

Horselover

I agree with you 100 percent Trish. I definitely like the attitude that "I am not a victim." I also believe things happen and we either learn from it (as you pointed out) or we run and hide in some form or another.

I think releasing one's pain and forgiving the past is a definite way to progress to the next level. Great job and great share. Hugs - Sarah

Aysha

I might add that my gram also believes that I am angry with her and blame her for me being the way I am. The enabling and all. She knows that when I get mad at her in my dreams. I get raging mad and try to kill her in my dreams. Thats really sick. But thats whay she thinks.
Maybe I do blame her for not letting me fall a long time ago. But at the same time. If it wasnt for her. I would be dead. I wouldnt have cared.
So its pretty double standard.

vegibean

All I want for you is to be happy and to make it. Tons of people adore you and support you. I know I'm totally on your side 110%.

It is amazing to me when I read/hear stories like yours. I think I've had it bad.........we can rise above it. And you know what else? YOU DESERVE THE BEST TRISH!!!!!!!!!!!! Know that!!!!!!!!!!!! :ghug3

Dee74

My life has not been perfect LOL - but it made me who I am - so I get you Trish.

hugs
D

I agree with Vegi btw

thecat3

i agree with previous posts, and in addition so now you move forward and make best of what you got!

Rusty Zipper

only Curly from the three stooges was a victim of circumstance.!

and he always said...

i'm sorry moe!

at'a girk trish!

woo-woo-woo-woo!

n'yuk, n'yuk

coffeenut

Yeah....when you think you are a victim, you give yourself permission to be the victim...and to medicate that victim. I think you have a good attitude to not let that happen.

My best to you, Chiy.

lauraandersen4

I think you are very strong and responsible. I admire you, your courage and your enthusiasm for future success

Rowan

I had to forgive many people as I worked through my recovery, Trish, and it was a long process. I may not be responsible for what happened to me while I was younger but I am responsible for who I become - and that sums it up for me. I choose to forgive.

Most days anyway. I'm just sitting here thinking about my sister and I'm mad at her. So, except for her .. yeah. I choose to forgive.

Zencat

Thing is, I was never told my childhood was FUBAR (messed up). I believed I was messed up but I could not find it to blame anyone for my retched screwed up life from childhood to adulthood. It was many years later in therapy when I begun to tell my story. Right away my therapist suggested to me that I have been suffering from PTSD all along and didn't know it. I still could not find it within myself to affix blame on anybody. I quickly realized that the solution was not dwelling on the causation of my distorted life but the managing and mitigating the effects. I'm not a victim of my past circumstances, I'm a striving and flourishing survivor. Reaching to overcome what which would like to punish and destroy me. For it is within my will and my wherewithal to seek helping others. Together we will overcome that insurmountable barrier of who I thought I was into who I can become.

Gypsy Feet

I only saw a therapist twice, when I first quit drinking. She mentioned my parents immediately, and I steered the conversation away from my childhood as I thought it was ridiculous that it had anything to do with my alcohol and drug use. Then the phrase "family of origin" kept popping up, and I ignored that too.

From reading here on these forums, I learned the concept "Children of Alcoholics", (both of my parents were/are). I learned of codependent behaviors, which my mother had in spades, and I have perfected as well.

While I do not blame my parents for anything, I do think there is something to be said for not learning proper coping skills as we grow up, and realizing that. My parents had very "sick" ways of dealing with emotions, and without this site and recovery books, I would be flying blind as I try and work out how healthy people respond to life's ups and downs.

I am glad you are picking yourself up by your boot straps trish, you are a constant source of inspiration and kindness on these boards. Be gentle with yourself.

mle-sober

There is a difference between being a victim and being a survivor.

In order to be a victim, you have to give others power over you. And you have to deny the inner strength that you have.

In order to be a survivor, you have to acknowledge and accept the wrongs that have been done to you and find a way through the maze of feelings you have. You have to locate your inner strength.

Denying that anything that happened to you could have contributed to your addiction and the life that you are living right now doesn't, really, in my opinion, help you. It might make you feel better in the short run (it's no one's fault but my own, nothing bad happened to me). But in the long run, the people I know who have been sober for a long time (10-25 yrs) have faced their past and found a way through instead of stepping to the side.

I say this with nothing but respect for your struggle, Trish. I'm always glad when I read your posts and see that you are still here, still getting back up on that horse. That's all any of us are trying to do. Whether it takes looking back and facing up to the difficult things that happened to us or looking back and saying there's nothing there to regret.

I also say this as someone who took decades to name the things in my own childhood that eventually required I acknowledge myself as a survivor. A survivor of childhood neglect and poverty. A survivor of childhood molestation. A survivor of mulitple rapes. And a survivor of mental illness. That doesn't make me beholden to those experiences. It doesn't make me weak. It doesn't mean I feel sorry for myself. And it's not crap.

Bamboozle

Big thanks, mle.

Aysha

But how is it a problemn if I never saw it like that?
I never once in my life said ..Oh look..Poor me..My mom has been missing. Maybe I'll be a drug addict over it. Poor me I have it so bad cause I have an alcoholic father who lives in prison.
I never once seen it as anything bad that happened to me until all these therapists started saying "No wonder I am an addict." I say this with absolute honesty. I dont want nor have I ever wnated anyone to feel sorry for me. I have never looked at my life and said " Wow..I had it bad. It could have been better." I never once took a drug to escape anything or to kill any sort of pain or resentments.
I got high because I wanted to and because it was fun. I loved the excitement and the chaos. The care free do whatever the hell you want feeling that comes with it.
I never ever looked at myself and thought I had it any less than pretty dam lucky.
So the point of this post was me saying " I dont buy into the BS that just because certain things happened in my life. Doesnt mean I have underlying issues."
My attention span isnt that wide to begin with. So things like that never stay on my mind very long.
I am grateful I let things go very easily. Sure later on I may say something about it. But I dont dwell and I dont have any regrets. And I never make any apologies for being this way.
I am pretty much take it or leave it when it comes to stressful BS that I dont need.
I look at it liek this. If my mom were veer to come back. I would be so happy. But at the same time. I understand why she left. And my gram always made sure I knew she loved me and only wanted the best for me. Thats why she let. HEr lifestyle and the things she was doing werent it.
I get it.
My dad was never there. But he is well over 20 yrs sober. And now I look to him for inspiration.
I go way deeper than what a persons habits were.
My gram may have been an alcoholic. But she was always there for me and made sure I had everything I needed.
Sometimes you have to look past the BS. Look at what really counts.
And them being alcoholics did bother me at some degree. But they never neglected me or put me in danger.
They sure as hell have always had my back through everything.
I just do not hold grudges. And I dotn see why it is so hard for some people to understand that.

Aysha

The only person I am abgry at is myself. For not doing liek I should. Knowing I can stop but dont try hard enough.
Bottom line. Everytime I give in. Its because I wanted to.
Not because I couldnt handle it anymore. It felt like that. But I wanted to. I wanted to the whole time.
I dont want to stop getting high. Truth be known.
If there werent any consequences to the ****. I would smoke til my last diein breath. It is the consequences that make me want to stop. Not the high. I could run the streets and get high the rest of my life and be ok with that. But I cant hurt my family or go to jail or risk my life anymore.
Consequences. Unfortunately..There no way around them.
Not to mention I really dont want to live strung out the rest of my life.
I do have goals. I do want better for my life. but doin drugs isnt going to make it happen.
I know this.
Since there is no fantasy land of drugs and riches. I guess I will have to try and do the best I can at trying to walk the strait and narrow.

Dee74

I wanted to write more on this yesterday but I didn't quite know how then....but I totally agree with mle trish.

I don't know yr family so I'll stick to mine LOL. I don't blame anyone else for the things I've done and I don't endlessly live in the past. I have no time for either of those things.
My parents, my family, did the best they could, and I know that now.

But I now accept that I was born and raised in a very dysfunctional way - I was given some pretty weird ideas about love and support, and right and wrong and especially about my self worth - and all that had a definite impact on me making the choices I did.

Some of these things were so ingrained, so deep, I didn't even realise some of it until after I got sober.

For me, I had to face that stuff and throw some of it out in order not only to stay sober, but to want to stay sober.

D

Gypsy Feet

its not about grudges or blame honey. It's about what we learn is acceptable and the way things are. When I was a young teen, my parents fought a lot. I figured people who love each other fight. They had friends over, drank a lot, and laughed. I figured people who drank had fun. I didn't think this out loud, it was just in me. We moved to a new town, I had no friends. Then I met some kids doing dope. They invited me to sit and smoke. Soon I was laughing up a storm, forgot all about how sad I was to have left my old town. I'd go home and nothing there would be fun or exciting, so I would go score, and feel good.

later in life when the really big hurts came, I already knew how to make them go away. I never knew drinking around my kid might affect her. I never knew that she was watching, and when my husband and I fought, and I would get drunk or high to feel good, she saw it all.

What she could have seen, what I could have seen, was there were respectful ways for adults to treat each other. That when you are hurt, you can reach out to loved ones, instead of chemicals, for support.

I don't "blame" myself for what my kid is up to these days. She has her own path, and I believe all paths, even addicted and running the streets, have their value in lessons to learn and character to build. It does hurt me a bit that she didn't know this me growing up. This person I am becoming, with inner strength and peace. We never discussed spirituality, emotional growth, self love or inner strength. We talked about drugs, so she knows which ones might screw her quicker. We talked men, and dangers, and I told her I loved her a thousand times. But now she is going to have to figure out on her own that not all men drink til they puke on themselves, and not all women put up with the ones that do. She will have to learn that when a friend dies, you dont have to numb yourself for the next year to survive it.

There IS a better life out there. You are worth it.

Emimily

everybody's life has static. some are worse than others.

i've known you from here for... years, now. everytime i see you make a decision, that's it - you make the decision. you ever hear that old joke, if three frogs are sitting on a lilypad and one makes a decision to jump off, how many frogs are left sitting there? three. that one simply made a decision to jump... he didn't actually do it.

move a muscle, change a thought.