I will not be a victim
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
I don't think that you need to feel sorry for yourself. Just the opposite. I feel proud of myself. By looking at my childhood without rosy glasses ("oh, nothing hurt") I was able to see the parts of me that are strong, that deserve respect. That's not feeling sorry for myself or holding grudges or holding a pity party of any kind.
Look, each of us is going to do this our own way. You have your path. And I don't know what that is. What I do know is that sobriety is damn hard and that when it's not working, there is a reason. The reason is deeper than just I don't want it to work. It's deeper than I just like the freedom and chaos of being drunk. A lot of the time, my urges to drink come from triggers that are imbeded in my childhood. And my recognizing that sometimes saves me.
When you get high because you love the fun and the chaos and the carefree life, my bet is behind that is a fear of some sort. And it's probably rooted in childhood. It's not weak to say that. It's strong.
We can agree to disagree on this forever. I respect anyone making the effort to drag themselves away from addiction. However you do it.
Look, each of us is going to do this our own way. You have your path. And I don't know what that is. What I do know is that sobriety is damn hard and that when it's not working, there is a reason. The reason is deeper than just I don't want it to work. It's deeper than I just like the freedom and chaos of being drunk. A lot of the time, my urges to drink come from triggers that are imbeded in my childhood. And my recognizing that sometimes saves me.
When you get high because you love the fun and the chaos and the carefree life, my bet is behind that is a fear of some sort. And it's probably rooted in childhood. It's not weak to say that. It's strong.
We can agree to disagree on this forever. I respect anyone making the effort to drag themselves away from addiction. However you do it.
member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
I haven't read the answers to your OP, Chi. Sorry, I've worked myself into a lather after answering a thread @GLBT.
Being a victim for a while was useful to me because it has made me extremely angry. angry at myself, that is. Channelling that anger in productive ways is what keeps me sane. I know this is far from ideal, but it's just my experience.
Being a victim for a while was useful to me because it has made me extremely angry. angry at myself, that is. Channelling that anger in productive ways is what keeps me sane. I know this is far from ideal, but it's just my experience.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I have thought about the responses in this thread over the past couple days.
And to be honest. I didnt like some of the answers I received. But I have learned to accept things with a more open mind over my little 2 yrs of trying to be drug free. So my initial reaction was "These people have no clue what they are talking about. They dont know me or how I grew up." Sorry but it was hwta I thought. But I do know most of you know exactly where I have been and how I feel. Then I replied without soaking it all in first and thinking about it. And I came of in my opinion kinda..Well..Defensive?
I felt bad after thinking about how I thought and reacted. But its how I felt at the time.
So I cant retract my response just to agree. I wouldnt be staying true to myself if I did.
BUT...I have thought about it and after reading more today.
Maybe I do have some issues with things that have happened. But I can 100% say that they are not and never were the reasons why I used at any point in my life.
I have been using drugs since I was 12 yrs old. So all my life has been in a delusional state pretty much. So of course when your high all the time from a young age. None of that stuff is going to affect me. Why should it? I was high.
But I am thinking that maybe now that I am older and not on drugs all the time. That maybe I do have a problem..Even just a little bit NOW. Maybe not then..But possibly now. Does that make sense?
I know one thing I do have an issue with is losing my baby. That did mess me up for a long time. And still gets to me if I think about it now. Also the father of that baby did me so wrong at the time I lost it. And again later on down the road. He was killed in 2005 in a drive by shooting. I think I posted on that a couple months ago.
I cant have children now. And it does bother me at times. Although..after seeing how hard it is to raise kids now a days and knowing I cant even take care of myself. I am not too upset really.
I got high twice while pregnant and I dont think I have or ever will forgve myself for that.
Plus I was getting high for about a month before I even knew I was pregnant.
I didnt lose the baby from getting high. The Dr said alot of women lose their first pregnancy.
That didnt matter to me. It was my one and onlyt shot at it and I lost it. Whatever the reason was. I still do hold alot of guilt for what I did.
But really..All that other stuff is just water under the bridge. I am very grateful for what I have and where I am. Even if it isnt much. I could be alot worse off. And should be had it not been for my family.
So I cant be mad at that.
And sorry mle. I get what your saying. But if I have any issues. They would be from my using days. I have done more **** to myself than anyone ever has. So i guess I will have to agree to disagree. There is nothing in my childhood that causes me any kind os pain or reasons to use.
It all stems from me lacking the ability or effort to stop now.
All my anger is on me toward me. I am my own worst enemy.
But thx for all the responses and I am sorry for being like I was or am. I alwasy know I can come here and vent. Speak my mind. I may not always get what I am looking for. But yall defiantely care and make me rethink things alot.
And thats all that matters.
And to be honest. I didnt like some of the answers I received. But I have learned to accept things with a more open mind over my little 2 yrs of trying to be drug free. So my initial reaction was "These people have no clue what they are talking about. They dont know me or how I grew up." Sorry but it was hwta I thought. But I do know most of you know exactly where I have been and how I feel. Then I replied without soaking it all in first and thinking about it. And I came of in my opinion kinda..Well..Defensive?
I felt bad after thinking about how I thought and reacted. But its how I felt at the time.
So I cant retract my response just to agree. I wouldnt be staying true to myself if I did.
BUT...I have thought about it and after reading more today.
Maybe I do have some issues with things that have happened. But I can 100% say that they are not and never were the reasons why I used at any point in my life.
I have been using drugs since I was 12 yrs old. So all my life has been in a delusional state pretty much. So of course when your high all the time from a young age. None of that stuff is going to affect me. Why should it? I was high.
But I am thinking that maybe now that I am older and not on drugs all the time. That maybe I do have a problem..Even just a little bit NOW. Maybe not then..But possibly now. Does that make sense?
I know one thing I do have an issue with is losing my baby. That did mess me up for a long time. And still gets to me if I think about it now. Also the father of that baby did me so wrong at the time I lost it. And again later on down the road. He was killed in 2005 in a drive by shooting. I think I posted on that a couple months ago.
I cant have children now. And it does bother me at times. Although..after seeing how hard it is to raise kids now a days and knowing I cant even take care of myself. I am not too upset really.
I got high twice while pregnant and I dont think I have or ever will forgve myself for that.
Plus I was getting high for about a month before I even knew I was pregnant.
I didnt lose the baby from getting high. The Dr said alot of women lose their first pregnancy.
That didnt matter to me. It was my one and onlyt shot at it and I lost it. Whatever the reason was. I still do hold alot of guilt for what I did.
But really..All that other stuff is just water under the bridge. I am very grateful for what I have and where I am. Even if it isnt much. I could be alot worse off. And should be had it not been for my family.
So I cant be mad at that.
And sorry mle. I get what your saying. But if I have any issues. They would be from my using days. I have done more **** to myself than anyone ever has. So i guess I will have to agree to disagree. There is nothing in my childhood that causes me any kind os pain or reasons to use.
It all stems from me lacking the ability or effort to stop now.
All my anger is on me toward me. I am my own worst enemy.
But thx for all the responses and I am sorry for being like I was or am. I alwasy know I can come here and vent. Speak my mind. I may not always get what I am looking for. But yall defiantely care and make me rethink things alot.
And thats all that matters.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
But yall defiantely care and make me rethink things alot.
And thats all that matters.
And thats all that matters.
as far as us knowing you and knowing what you are going through? we really don't. i mean we only get a snapshot of you from reading your words, but we don't. I really can't know anyone: what is going on behind another persons eyes. but you've given me some of your experience; and with that I, and others, appreciate and like YOU !
ya got me thinking about my own using. I think, FOR ME, that I used due to anger, and boredom....and that underneath those two things is always fear. it seems that fear is underneath all my different manifestations of anger and boredom. when I was at my worst and using everyday there was also a part of me that used because I craved more and more. I thought i liked it and i thought it was me.
keep sharing chi. your honesty is beautiful.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: England
Posts: 674
Hi Chi,
I haven't read any posts on this thread except your first one as i figured i might just nod, agree, not know what to say as everyone knows how to say stuff better than me...... so given that, this is my thoughts....
You sound like me, when I was very young my mums husband abused me. I didn't think to much of it. To this day I just think it was what it was.
My Sister is 8 years older than me, she was in the room when what happened happened, she left home, stuff still happened.
Today, aparently she is "mental" not my words, she hasn't spoken to me for 5 years, but, my sister wants my mum to apologise for the bad stuff, I don't think she should, my sister didn't even have to put up with half of it.
The thing is none of it bothers me much now, I bother me sometimes but oh I dunno, sorry, maybe I should have read the posts after all lol
I haven't read any posts on this thread except your first one as i figured i might just nod, agree, not know what to say as everyone knows how to say stuff better than me...... so given that, this is my thoughts....
You sound like me, when I was very young my mums husband abused me. I didn't think to much of it. To this day I just think it was what it was.
My Sister is 8 years older than me, she was in the room when what happened happened, she left home, stuff still happened.
Today, aparently she is "mental" not my words, she hasn't spoken to me for 5 years, but, my sister wants my mum to apologise for the bad stuff, I don't think she should, my sister didn't even have to put up with half of it.
The thing is none of it bothers me much now, I bother me sometimes but oh I dunno, sorry, maybe I should have read the posts after all lol
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I go see my regular pdoc Wed. But I am only seeing him for the lap band procedure. He knows I am an addict. but he doesnt know I have used recently. Nor am I goin to tell him.
I will find another pdoc or therapist for that stuff. I have already been pushed back another year right when I was about to be approved for the procedure. He found out about my huge relapse in Feb when everyone was in FL. So he told me I have to wait another year. That is total BS to me.
But I guess thats what happens and the price you pay to play.
I know its wrong to not be honest with him. But I want this procedure more than anything. I know it will help me feel better and help my self esteem greatly.
I gained all this weight using. Iw ant it to be gone. Most of it anyway.
I know it will change alot of how I think about things. I amhoping anyway.
MAybe I do use sometimes because I am not happy with what drugs have done to me. Not only on the inside. But my appearance has gone to hell. Drugs have really taken a huge toll on me physically.
But then again I may just be looking for another quick fix.
I know my health is depending on this procedure more than anything. My physician has even told me that my weight is affecting me alot more. My knees and back are gettin real bad.
I just need to stop messin up and then I wouldnt have to worry about all this nonsense.
I will always keep trying tho. For anything that will improve my life. I ma y fall a million times. But I will never give up.
I do however think it wouldnt hurt to talk to someone about things. I just hate to kick up dust. Dig up old bones. I feel like it may do more damage than good.
I will find another pdoc or therapist for that stuff. I have already been pushed back another year right when I was about to be approved for the procedure. He found out about my huge relapse in Feb when everyone was in FL. So he told me I have to wait another year. That is total BS to me.
But I guess thats what happens and the price you pay to play.
I know its wrong to not be honest with him. But I want this procedure more than anything. I know it will help me feel better and help my self esteem greatly.
I gained all this weight using. Iw ant it to be gone. Most of it anyway.
I know it will change alot of how I think about things. I amhoping anyway.
MAybe I do use sometimes because I am not happy with what drugs have done to me. Not only on the inside. But my appearance has gone to hell. Drugs have really taken a huge toll on me physically.
But then again I may just be looking for another quick fix.
I know my health is depending on this procedure more than anything. My physician has even told me that my weight is affecting me alot more. My knees and back are gettin real bad.
I just need to stop messin up and then I wouldnt have to worry about all this nonsense.
I will always keep trying tho. For anything that will improve my life. I ma y fall a million times. But I will never give up.
I do however think it wouldnt hurt to talk to someone about things. I just hate to kick up dust. Dig up old bones. I feel like it may do more damage than good.
member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
I have to wonder why you keep doing it, Chi. Many of your posts hint at the possibility of "the next time". You are very aware of the dangers of getting high, and you always take responsibility for your actions. But -as your friend- I'm scared of the possibility of something going horribly wrong. Or how you'll deal with any hard blow that Life might through your way.
Therapy doesn't necessarily involve going to the graveyard. You can focus on what's going on right now. I hope you consider this possibility.
BTW.. why did I stop drinking? Because, although I had reached a point where I could moderate and cut risks, I realised that I deserved better than that. So do you
Originally Posted by chiynita 
I do however think it wouldnt hurt to talk to someone about things. I just hate to kick up dust. Dig up old bones. I feel like it may do more damage than good.
BTW.. why did I stop drinking? Because, although I had reached a point where I could moderate and cut risks, I realised that I deserved better than that. So do you
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