gingernyc

I've been coming here regularly to feel some companionship and comfort as I try to figure out this sober life. Certainly going to this place is helpful and all the people, especially "the regulars" give so much of themselves by supporting the newbies, and for that I'm grateful.

Here's my thing. I'll be 5 months sober in a few days, and I gotta say, I'm not lovin' it. I feel like I'm sleepwalking through my days--just sort of getting by--not excelling at anything--certainly not feeling any joy. Not feeling pride at having gotten this far. In fact, if anything I would say my affect is a bit flat, and I'm floundering and unmoored. I feel so disconnected, just sort of floating through my days.

Who am I? I'll be talking and then wonder, "Who was that who just said that weird thing?" If anything I feel like a weirdo, a person uncomfortable in her own skin. And it's not like I'm saying that being drunk made me comfortable. Maybe knowing I could drink (later), somehow made me able to function during my non-drinking hours? Why am I crying now?

I'm really feeling like picking up a drink. I went out for my 22nd wedding anniversary with my husband the other night. He had wine. I had an Orangina. I felt like a child. Fine dining isn't the same. The entire time, I couldn't really focus because I kept thinking about all the people in the restaurant drinking wine. Not exactly being in the moment. I don't want to go out to dinner, I don't want to go to parties, I don't want to have a BBQ--because all of those things mean drinking. Of course, I've done these things over the past few months, but as I say to my friends, "It's just not the same. It's not fun. Certainly not as fun as getting a buzz on." I think a lot about each new situation I'll encounter as a non-drinker and how I'll handle that. "What will this ______ (fill in the blank: colleague, old friend, ex-lover, family member, new acquaintance) think of me?"

I just want to work, come home, watch some tube and go to sleep. So where are all the rainbows and puppies and joy and love and prideful feelings about not drinking? The word "sober" is pretty boring. A sober life. If I'm correct, sober is serious. I just don't know if I have it in me to live this sober, examined life. It seems like I'm becoming one of those people that I don't like. A person that can't have a good time because everything's so damn serious. I'm not making sense. I think I'm depressed. I'm 51 and I don't know who I am.

MycoolFitz

Sorry its that way for you. It was that way during my six month sobriety stint. I finally said F--K It, i'm having a drink. 5 years later I put it down. This time its 100 daze. I'm not always loving it but I sure as Hell am living it. My sleepwalking through life was the 47 years I wasted drinking. Now I would not trade my worst day sober for my best day drunk. Perhaps if you can rest right here, right now in this very moment, the only moment you may find some peace. That is my desire for you.

“There is no other place. We’re forever here…There’s only this one place: right here, right now…To be here is freedom from insanity, fear, worry, struggle, striving, the urgent desire to control, and the habitual yearning for security and escape from pain.”—Steve Hagen, Buddhism is Not What You Think.

Namaste

Dee74

Hi Ginger

Most of us seem to think there'll be puppies and rainbows and joy and love and ticker tape parades. I'm not sure why we think that, but I did.

Nope. Just normal life. And the kicker is, just like everyone else, you have to work for the puppies and rainbows

I think your last two sentences make a lot of sense actually. You very well might be depressed. A lot of us find that we stop drinking and reveal other problems.

Have you seen a Dr about it?

I didn't know who I was either - or how to have fun or relate to people sober. I'd been drunk for twenty years.

It takes time - and effort. You don't find the answers sitting in front of the tube. My life's only as boring (or as deathly serious) as I choose to make it.

There's a great thread here about things to do.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ething-do.html

Its about more than not drinking - we have to learn to live sober - and the only way to do that is...to go out there and do it.

If you resent not being able to drink...thats a whole different thread.
D

Emily2002

Wow, Ginger. Thank you for your honesty and for the post.

So much of that hit home for me. You know what I think it is? Maybe we're actually in mourning. Think about it.

Much of what you wrote is a reaction one might have after experiencing the death of a friend or sigificant other. The irony? Alcohol... some friend, right????

I've come to realize that when I'm sober, I'm seeing myself and my life for what it really is -- not through the rose-colored lenses of my typically buzzed and purposely self-medicated brain. I'm not entirely sure I like what I see...

I feel so incredibly lonely -- even when I'm surrounded by family, friends, etc. It's strange. You worded it so well when you wrote "...I'm floundering and unmoored. I feel so disconnected, just sort of floating through my days" and when you shared how you felt in the restaurant on your wedding anniversary.

Speaking for myself here... I just keep hoping beyond hope that I'll get over this mourning period and a lot of the accompanying resentment. Don't know long it will take, but I don't want to really screw up and have my family mourning because they've lost me.

Hope things get better for you... Have you been able to talk to anyone about the way you're feeling? Considering going to a therapist again once I can afford it, because it's helped me sort things out in the past.

Hang in there,

Liz

Zencat

I get what your saying. Your description of depression struck home with me. I created this whole identity around my drug use and when it was time to stop...my identity went away. Fortunately I was under the care of helping professionals at the the time and they were able to confirm a psychiatric disorder I was trying to adjust on my own with drugs and booze.

Sure, not everybody that quits an addiction has and underlying physical ailment that needs treatment with medical attention. Blessed they are. Unfortunately I wasn't so lucky. Then again I was fortunate enough to have the means available to me to be able to seek medical as well as skilled professional addiction treatment. There was no other way I could have begun my addiction treatment without skilled help from others. Today I feel blessed and do my best to act accordingly.

Stick with your decision to make positive lifestyle changes. Be committed to getting well and remain persistent in your recovery endeavors. It dose and can get better...at least as this hopeless dope fiend has found out.

sfgirl

I felt that way too. If you read other posts I write, I often say that I think it is a myth that sobriety equals instant happiness. I didn't experience it like that at all.

I totally felt like that too. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. The first six months of sobriety I was a hermit. I stayed mainly at home and to myself. Only now am I being social again once I started to feel confident and solid in my skin. And being social is presenting this whole other new set of issues— I am not used to lots of situations without alcohol, most of my friends socialize around alcohol and I'm not down with that, and I am a different person who is better at setting boundaries, the people around me aren't quite used to that, I'm not used to it. Honestly, booze didn't make me more comfortable because I have never in my life felt more solid than I do now. However, it was how I lived for basically 13 years of my life. It was status quo so it felt pretty comfortable. Of course there is going to be a discomfort when you make a major shift.

=my life for the first six months. Honestly, do what your body tells you. Don't give yourself too hard of a time. But also see a doctor and talk about your depression.


This was the only thing in what you wrote that I didn't quite relate to and it made me wonder if you are "working" on your recovery. By working on it, I mean working on self-growth— for me that has meant reading a lot about alcoholism and seeing a therapist, getting into Buddhist meditation, for others it is attending AA, others find even different methods. For me, it was easier to tolerate all the crappiness because I could see all the growth. I felt like I was moving in a forward direction even though that wasn't where my mood was moving. I don't know if that makes any sense.

yeahgr8

Wow looks like one of my posts when i finished my 5 months stint of not drinking which ended on 15th February, we are now 5 months later. Here what has happened lost job, lost house, lost money, friend looking after cat, living in another friends flat like a hobo, having to sell car to try and get money to start again after a stint in rehab...

I felt exactly the way you did but would give my left testicle to go back 5 months than have done the last 5! I should have reached out at that time to AA, counselling..whatever it took! MyCoolFitz did 5 years back out there, and that's a common story in the AA meetings i have been too, that scares the **** out of me...get help even if it goes against every grain in you!

Wishing you all the best, i was really concerned about not knowing who i was or what i should be doing too, jeez...

Pilgrim

Why did you stop 5 months ago?

shaun00

This is my experience...

Ive had time sober before and returned to drinking...

time and time again i see members posting how they stopped drinking and life just aint got much better.

sure for the first couple of weeks life seems good.......we are free from the monster but slowly the old head games return..

to me this proves one thing without doubt.....that alot of my alcoholism centres between my ears..

surley if i dont drink my life should light up?.......for me no..if fact i wanted to end it all the longer it went on.

so i treat the body........i stop drinking...my liver gets better...my skin gets better.....my boss is happy...my wife is happy.

but i just cant seem to join life with any sense of contentment.

if this is sobriety...........you can keep it.

after my last drunk ......i decided my only option left was to completely give myself to AA.

Why?.........because in that room there were some people that just seemed so happy and content without a drink.

the mental part seem to have been reversed in them.....

they spoke of a solution laid out in the bb of alcoholics anonymous.

what did i have to lose......i didnt what to live with this mental torment and misery any longer.

for me that was the key........the solution to the problem that centred between my ears.

i was surprised only the first step of twelve mentioned alcohol..

even before completion i started to feel better......i didnt feel life was a round peg in a square hole anymore..

life took on a new meaning and my attitude towards it changed.

i believe that i drank for a reason........take away the booze and im still left with the reason.......whatever that is or was.

only when the bit between my ears started to absorb thoses twelve steps did my life become worth living.

today im happy...contented and at peace without booze.

that dont mean lifes a cake walk.........but it does mean that i tackle life without even the slightest thought of a drink and without the torment that followed the not drinking.

i thought treating my chronic alcoholism was just a matter of not drinking..alot of doctors i saw thought the same.

but i found it was vastly more than that....a simple program for this very complicated drunk...tackled that bit that went on between my ears.

what you got to lose?...........god be with you.

NewBeginning010

Hi Ginger,

Firstly.. contrats on 5 months that is fantastic. You have 4 months more than I do right now.

I also haven't seen the rainbows & puppies etc. I have also had a strange voice talking to me... guess who it is... its the real "me" sober, aware, sharp and full of feelings & emotions that I have been pushing away & ignoring with alcohol for a long time now.

I started to feel uncomfortable with this stranger & wasn't sure what to do. These new feelings & emotions were getting the best of me (and still do at times) but I started to let the feelings in & "sat with them" if you will. Listening & learning as best I could.

Sometimes I have been depressed and confused & other times I feel better than I have in years and doing activities that I haven't done in years (mountain biking, tennis, roller blading, hiking etc.). Laughing & crying more too... pretty weird but I get why its happening.

Doing things & keeping busy is not recovery though so I started to look into something I have been interested in for a while (Buddhism) and found some great support in the threads in the Buddhist section. I don't know if you have a specific HP or not but I would recommend checking it out (I am a Christian Buddhist right now lol). I will add some of the sites at the end of this post.

I noticed that you were going to train for a 100 mile bike ride a couple of months back, did you do it? How did it go? What other passions do you have that you can get back into? You have a couple of posts here but do you have a program of some kind that you are working? I know I have been spending too much time here but I am learning something new everyday & staying pretty glued here as I strengthen my sobriety (just like preparing for a race) . Nothing changes if nothing changes right?

Do you feel good about yourself & like who you are? Truly loving ourselves would be best but lets go with like or likealot for now. You have to at least like who you are (or know who you are sober) before you can laugh & have fun sober. When your drunk it doesn't matter if you like yourself or not because your well... errrr.. drunk! I don't like being around drunk people anymore either... they are not fun.. they are boring & useless to talk to unless your drunk too. I have videos of me when I thought I was having a great time laughing & joking... I look & sound like an ass lol. I am fun after 1 or 2 but get 6 plus in me (and I mean plus) and look out cause I am going to tie one on.

Anyway, there is my mini novel for now. Hopefully there is something of value in all of that... if not that's ok too... it was good for me to write it ;-)

All of the best in your recovery.

Take Care,

NB

Here are some site that were recommended to me:

Kevin Griffin - One Breath

Dharma Seed - Dharma Talks

Waterman

I can relate to those feelings of kinda being "lost". I've been sober for like 3 months, but it seems that the good days are more plentiful, recently. Don't drink.........

Tazman53

Congrats on the sober time ginger, I was 52 when I got sober, I thought my life was over and had no idea how to live life sober, I had been drinking for 40 years, the last 5 years I did not draw a sober breath.

I am so thankful that when I was in detox I was willing to follow one of the best suggestions I have been given in my life, they told me "If you want a chance to stay sober long term then go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor." Well when I got out of detox the first and foremost thought in my head was "I need to get a 12 pack for the ride home."!! What got me home without drinking was prayer and will power.

Well I went to an AA meeting that night, here was a room full of people, they were laughing, talking, smiling, and they had a twinkle in thier eye!!! I just knew it was fake, there was no way they could have ever felt like I did!

Well the meeting started, they asked if there were any newcomers. I held up my hand and then gave my first name and said I am an alcoholic. The whole meeting was different people sharing the short version of their story. As I sat there and listened to thier stories I knew that they had been where I was at, some of them had far lower bottoms then me, others not as low.

Thier laughter, the twinkle in their eye, & thier self confidence gave me hope that I could one day be like them, but I had no real idea how, I was miserable, I wanted a drink yet I did not want to be a drunk again, I wanted what they had but did not know how to get it! They mentioned taking the steps with thier sponsor and how it had turned thier lifes around, they spoke of self hatred, depression, anger, a feeling of always being less then others and how that all slowly changed as they stayed sober and took the steps.

What I found in AA was rooms full of people who were sober and living life!!! These people shared with me their experiance, strength and hope.

I got a sponsor that night, but did not get to taking the steps for over 2 months, the only time things felt right was when I was in a meeting or talking to someone on the phone who was in AA, I came very close to drinking again at 2 months sober, but I wanted what those folks had more, I wanted that twinkle in my eye and to feel comfortable in my own skin more.

I switched sponsors and started taking the steps with him, as I took the steps like so many others had I slowly started to get what those other folks had, I learned how to become comfortable in my own skin, I became free of the bonds of my alcoholism, I was no longer ashamed or angry and resentful.

I learned how to live life on lifes terms, sober and free! I have found that every single thing I did do while I was drinking I did better sober and I remembered it all the next day! I have also found that I can do far more things sober then I ever could while drinking.

Being with other alcoholics who have proven that a happy, joyous and free life can be had made all the difference in the world for me.

Reading or hearing about recovering alcoholics never did me any good, I had to see it first hand, well in AA not only did I see it first hand, but they were more then happy to share with me how they stayed sober and more importantly they shared with me a solution!!!

Not just a solution for my alcoholism, but a solution that led me to a new life, a new way of living life!

tommyk

Congrats on 5 months.

Aside from quitting drinking, have you made any other changes?

New activities, new friends, exercise program, education, AA, etc...?

gingernyc

It's a new day, and though I don't exactly feel better, but I feel better knowing so much support exists through this forum. I'm running late for work, but will post back tonight on some of this. Thanks to all, and especially for the Buddhist type thinking, as that really resonates with me, and always has. I will view the videos and also have been meaning to find a book that was mentioned in one of the forums a while back, "Mindful Recovery" is the name, I believe. Anyway...till tonight.-

JFRUIT

Congrats on 5 months

catch-22

well, I have to learn to rediscover myself, the real me, the one I drowned in gallons of wine... it takes time, it's disconcerting, it's confusing. But it's also interesting, stimulating and challenging.

Quse56

"He had wine. I had an Orangina. I felt like a child. Fine dining isn't the same."


Boy do I understand this. I hate sitting there with my tonic and lime (so it LOOKS like i am drinking -lol) when others are basking in the oakey top notes of a fine Cabernet... then I realized: when the hell did I ever drink ONE glass of wine for the fine flavor? Sure it may have started that way, but by the end of the night I'd guzzle a sh*tty chanti just to continue the buzz. I drank to get drunk. And the sophistication of the fancy glass that I hid behind was a symptom of something larger : of wanting to belong : of hoping everyone can see how worldly and refined I am. And no on really cares anyway. I thought the waiter would think I was a dud - the waiter? Really?

I also had to remember that when I quit drinking, there were chemicals in my body that needed time to build back up again (endorphines, ect) so naturally I feel glum and blue... and seeing a doctor may help with that. I had to find the willingness to accept medical help, even when I thought I "should" be better by now. Remember, I said I was to go to ANY lengths.

And maybe you aren't ready for dinners or parties. This stuff takes time, but it will be worth it. I never wanted to be one of those outdoorsy granola types that hike and camp and enjoy sunsets - blah! But as I start to change as a result of working the steps, those things are coming naturally and suddenly I wanted to lie on a rock by a stream and gaze as the clouds at 7am and I was GRATEFUL I wasn't hung over.

I thought I was fabulous when I was drinking. Now I know I am fabulous, jsut the way I am

Keep praying.
Keep FEELING.
(so important to sit with the yuckiness instead of running from it)
And keep coming back.

((HUG))

keithj

This sums up my experience. Stopping drinking does nothing to treat my alcoholism. My alcoholism manifests in various expressions of self-centeredness. Anger, fear, worry, self-pity all rule my life if I just quit drinking.

I'm a big fan of filling your life up with fun activities, but I found that insufficient for contentment. I have an internal, mental and spiritual problem. It requires an internal, mental and spiritual solution.

I too expected every day to be filled with euphoria when I got sober. What I found instead, through living by spiritual principles, was that I flowat along with life instead of being at odds with it. I'm content. I'm happy. I'm peaceful and calm.

Tazman53

You know I quit worrying about what others thought when I was drinking my iced tea when dining out, if they worry about it in reality that is thier problem and not mine!

When I was drinking to be honest I did not give a rats patoot if you were drinking Wild Turkey, a fine wine, a glass of water, iced tea, Pepsi or what ever, the only thing I cared about was my Jack on the rocks or beer.

least

Have you talked with your doctor about the depression symptoms? Antidepressants may help you get thru these difficult days. Please do see your doctor and see if there is any medical help for you. This too will pass, but it might be good to have some help in gettng thru these times.