effortjoy

I didn't get drunk or black out when I cut down. I didn't drink every day. But the first time I drank my husband said: you seem really tired. And today he found a glass of vodka that I left in the living room and he was furious. he started pouring hundreds of dolllars of bottles down the drain and I kept thinking: why? I'm in control. Why is he taking away the one thing that gives me pleasure. And the underground AA in DC is not acceptable to him because of his position; he just wants me to deal with it quietly and privately. He says that I'm in control of everything else in my life so why not this? But I'm really not. I pretend I'm in control, but really it is so hard to just function normally. It takes too much energy. And sometimes we are abroad and i feel even more like a stranger. So isolated and lonely and ineffective. And like I will never be a good enough mother. Like I will never fulfill my potential. Like I will always be in my husband's shadow. Like I will never figure out a way to live without drinking as my escape. Will I start hiding vodka now? This is not how i thought my life would turn out. This isn't the way it was supposed to be.

Astro

I tried cutting down and moderation for many years with absolutely zero success. The only thing that finally worked was complete and total abstinence, followed up with a commitment to a recovery program.

I hope you can find a way to get help anonymously, or decide that recovery is your decision, not the wishes of someone else.

lauraandersen4

Well the good thing is that now you figured it out re: your alcohol consumption and ability to control. Now what you want to do about it is your decision to make. If you read posts and go off of your own experience, depression of sorts is pretty common at the beginning.

I'm definitely feeling a little down and am becoming obsessed with a multitude of other things now that I'm not spending time drinking... there is simply too much time where I feel I can/should do something that previously I didn't even notice was clouded up by the alcohol... and I am not an easily depressed person.

If it doesn't go away, rather than go to AA if you don't want to, go to your MD and see if there is anything you can do... or a private therapist.

One thing that I don't understand very well is you mentioned in your first post that you didn't even think your husband knew you drank much at all. If this is true, why did he get so upset that he started dumping the vodka down the drain?

I hid it largely from my husband too because of past problems there and if he had seen me drinking, he would probably just have made a comment and leave it at that assuming it was a once in a while thing. Then again, I didn't tell my husband about my problem... maybe you did?

Taking5

I too tried to control it and failed miserably. AA helped me a lot.

What exactly is the "underground AA"?

NewBeginning010

Go see a specialist that deals with alcohol addiction if you have to. Many rich & famous people have sat in the rooms of AA, its for you not him.

What kind of things have you been doing so far to quit & how long have you made it in the past?

Take care & good luck in your recovery.

NB

MycoolFitz

Well, hiding booze is what it came to me and I wouldn't really recommend it as a viable answer. If the only way you can live with yourself is by drinking that might be a message that the only way you should live with yourself is by not drinking.

"In very many cases he knows quite clearly that he is destroying himself, that for him liquor is poison that he actually hates being drunk, and even dislikes the taste of liquor. And yet he drinks. For, dislike it as he may, the experience of not being drunk is worse. It gives him the ‘horrors’ for he stands face to face with the unveiled, basic insecurity of the world. Herein lies the crux of the matter. To stand face to face with insecurity is still not to understand it. To understand it, you must not face it but be it,”
-Alan Watts-

At some point, to live, not to just survive we need to face our insecurities head on, face to face, sober. We can't live in a past we dread or regret or miss nor live in a future we fear or project upon. We only have this moment, this self, right here, right now. There is nothing else. Face yourself in this instant and learn there is nothing wrong, nothing to fear. There is only here, now and we can live soberly and sanely in this moment. MY best to you. An ex-sneak drunk. Namaste

effortjoy

The truth is that I don't think my husband would have poured all those bottles down the drain if I hadn't told him that I don't want to drink anymore. I brought up possibly going to a meeting and now he really thinks that I might have a problem even though he never noticed it before. i should have kept it to myself. BTW, therapists don't help at all and my doctor thinks I'm in perfect health- it would create problems to tell anyone but maybe I don't even have a problem and my husband is over-reacting. And even if he thought it was ok- I don't think I could show up at an AA meeting, I am ashamed that this is what I have done with an elite education, a beautiful family and all the power and money in the world. It is so sad what I have wasted. And what's even sadder is that I don't want to stop.

Anna

It does sound like you don't want to stop, at least not yet.

I think your addict-mind is telling you that it's not as bad as you thought and that your husband is overreacting.

I know firsthand how hard it is to be a control-freak. I did that for years, and I really had no idea how much it was making me sick (I was not drinking at all at the time). Trying to be in control all the time is exhausting and debilitating and in the end, it became too much to bear and I quietly fell apart.

You can let go and live your life.

smacked

Sorry that you told him because he poured out the liquor?

Alcohol (and anyone on this forum) could care less who you are, what degrees you have, what your family looks like or how important your husband is. Some of "us" are rather important and educated too..surprise!!!

I hope you're done soon.. what will you lose to get there?

NEOMARXIST

Alcohol/drug abuse = the great leveller.

KenL

You're conflicted. You're in a very tough place right now and I feel for you. This could be the beginning of something fresh and new or the continuation of a progressive disease. You need to make a decision. Are you an alcoholic and willing to do whatever it takes to stop...or will you continue because everyone else thinks you're doing fine?

CarolD

My 1st. AA home group was "Attitude and Action"
Met in the a.m. in Georgetown.

In that meeting....we had 2 internationally known "faces"
2 best selling authors....a priest...a doctor...a few lawyers
2 TV anchors....3 diplomats ...an assistant to the President
3 reporters from the Post....and all sorts of other members.

I never saw a single member outed by anyone....

I must say...I am amused at people who would rather be
an active miserablely unhappy drinker than to go to AA.

I am reminded of how the then First Lady...Mrs. Ford became
an active advocate for treatment of addiction. She went
public and rose above the whispers. What a winner ...

Certainly....do try a private addictions counselor.
Check into the Betty Ford Clinic
Go to AA......don't go to AA.

Yes! you too can quit and stay quit.
Please give yourself every possible opportunity
to move forward.

joedris

I'm also curious about the "underground AA", but wherever it is, you need it. You seem to have two issues here. The first is alcohol and I would strongly recommend AA. It's your life at risk here, not your husbands. And the second issue is your husband and his apparent control over your life. If he's able to prevent you from working on your sobriety in ways that are in your best interests, rather than what's best for his image or his reputation, then you have a major problem.

Drinking to escape isn't the answer. The problems never go away, we just hide behind a bottle rather than deal with them. You're right, this isn't how life is supposed to be. You can change that, however. And the first step is to stop drinking. I've never seen anything good happen to anyone because they drank. I've seen wonderful things happen because they didn't. It's your choice as to how this turns out. I wish you well.

Freeport

Never be sorry for being honest. I've consulted with Docs, too, and neither they nor any of my family members ever suggested or pushed me to quit drinking. It required me to recognize the problem and be honest with myself. Mt biggest problem these days is dealing with people who insist I don't have a problem. No one knows me better than me.

Stop suggesting that all is lost and you've wasted you're life. You're not dead. You have many gifts and assets that you must be willing to grasp, but it starts with being honest with yourself. You wouldn't be posting on these sites if you didn't expect there was a problem. Now do whatever it takes to achieve that, starting by not drinking today.

lauraandersen4

Unfortunately, I think a LOT of people don't realize their problem until they are drinking a ton of alcohol and have already trashed their lives in more way than one. The question is will you let it get that far?

Everyone here has the same problem... alcohol. It's just at different levels and the interesting thing is that each of us has the potential to let it get to the level of the 'most stereotypical alcoholic person you can think of'... Many here have said it to me already too... If you think you have a problem, you probably do.

misstep

(((HUGS)))
Its not too late to change it! You always sound so conflicted in your posts, so on the edge of drinking vs quitting. Drinking isn't working, why not try quitting and see what it does for you?

I don't know what to tell you about your husband, but drinking is going to hurt your marriage just as much, no probably more, than going to AA. Can't you go to a meeting without telling him about it? What is more important to him, your health or his standing in society?

MycoolFitz

Well come back when you're ready if you can, or maybe your spouse will. Who knows. Some of us will still be here to support you. For me, after 47 years of drinking I wouldn't trade my best day drunk for my worst day sober. Guess I'm just lucky that way. All peace to you.

Dee74

I really can't add to anything here effortjoy.

There's always a million excuses not to do anything - thats true for every one of us here. It's your fight for your life, not your husbands.

Either you go on the way you have - and get progressively worse - or you do something about it now.

I hope you decide well - best of luck, effortjoy.
D

tommyk

Effortjoy - keep coming back, keep posting.

Right now it seems like your alcohol issues are an 'inconvenience' to you.

If the alcohol issues ever become a matter of life & death, like they did for me, it won't matter who knows, or who cares - you'll need to face the honest truth.

"This is not how i thought my life would turn out. This isn't the way it was supposed to be...."

I used to chant that over and over again. But life happens on life's terms.

least

You said your doctor thinks you're in perfect health - well, unless you tell him/her differently they can't possibly know your problems. If you feel you can't go to AA then you can get some medical help in getting thru the withdrawal from your doctor.

Your doctor can't tell anyone what you tell him/her unless you give permission. Without knowing more I can only think your husband seems very controlling. It also sounds like he doesn't want 'your' problems to affect his social standing/job/etc.

I really wish you could just do something positive FOR YOU. You don't want to drink but you don't want to stop. I can understand that very well. You know drinking isn't good for you but it is your familiar coping mechanism and it's hard to think of how you would cope without drinking.

All I can say is "to hell with your husband". Do something good for YOU. Start by talking honestly with your doctor about wanting to stop drinking. A good counselor might also be very helpful in giving you someone to talk to about yourself and your life.

You know, don't you, that if you continue to drink it's going to continue to get worse. Please don't let it get worse. Get help now while you still can.

:ghug3