JaneX

I have been with my husband for 16 years. He did not drink at all for the first 10. 6 years ago, he secretly started drinking again. He had 2 DUI’s prior to age 21 and quit drinking at 25 years old because of liver disease. He readily admits to being an alcoholic, but always conceals and lies about the actual drinking. I have never seen him take a drink and he is very, very, rarely intoxicated to the point that it is noticeable. I think he does all of his drinking while sneaking around in the garage or basement.

He has become very clever at deceiving me. I can smell beer from a mile away, so he switched to gin. When I became adept at smelling the gin, he switched to peppermint schnapps and tried to pass it off as the smell of gum.

I usually discover a hidden bottle or some other evidence and know that he is drinking again. Although I am usually standing there with the bottle in my hand, he will insist that he is not drinking. He will suggest that the bottle is an old and forgotten remnant of his past drinking or some other nonsense. Although I know the drinking is a huge problem, the deceit is so much more hurtful to me.

Yesterday, while cleaning, I found an empty bottle hidden under the sink in the basement. He actually tried to tell me the he had found that bottle a week ago, but he thought it was MINE! I am not a drinker, I have never drank, I do not even drink Champagne on New Years Eve. For him to suggest that this bottle belonged to me is completely baffling and insane. He is an intelligent man but this is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. I am so blown away by this excuse, I cannot think straight.

I try to tell his family that he is drinking again and needs help, but I suspect they think I am crazy or blowing things out of proportion. They will insist that they never see him drinking or drunk. Well, neither do I!

I am completely bewildered. Has anyone else experienced this secret and covert alcoholism?

lauraandersen4

...guilty. Maybe on a smaller scale... as I don't have liver disease. I pretty much only had a drink when my husband or any other wasn't around... and then another drink and another etc. Then I just brushed my teeth...it was wine anyway and if there were ever an odor, he didn't say anything. I used a dumpster rather than under the sink.

The less likely it is for you to figure out there is a problem with him (because he is hiding it), the easier it is for him to continue his habit...which is what he seems to want... and what I wanted too.

Not sure how to make him see the light esp if it isn't causing outward manifestation problems in your marriage other than confrontation when you find an empty bottle but I wish you luck.

Astro

I'm an alcoholic, and to me is doesn't sound secret and covert at all, it sounds like any other day was in my disease. I did whatever was necessary to stay drunk, and when confronted I lied through my teeth and denied it. Most of the time I hid liquor in my truck, but I'd also use the garage and yard to conceal it.

Here's a little of what the book Alcoholics Anonymous says about this behavior....

Here is a fellow who has been puzzling you, especially in his lack of control. He does absurd, incredible, tragic things while drinking. He is a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He is seldom mildly intoxicated. He is always more or less insanely drunk. His disposition while drinking resembles his normal nature but little. He may be one of the finest fellows in the world. Yet let him drink for a day, and he frequently becomes disgustingly, and even dangerously anti-social. He has a positive genius for getting tight at exactly the wrong moment, particularly when some important decision must be made or engagement kept. He is often perfectly sensible and well balanced concerning everything except liquor, but in that respect he is incredibly dishonest and selfish. He often possesses special abilities, skills, and aptitudes, and has a promising career ahead of him. He uses his gifts to build up a bright outlook for his family and himself, and then pulls the structure down on his head by a senseless series of sprees. He is the fellow who goes to bed so intoxicated he ought to sleep the clock around. Yet early next morning he searches madly for the bottle he misplace the night before. If he can afford it, he may have liquor concealed all over his house to be certain no one gets his entire supply away from him to throw down the wastepipe. As matters grow worse, he begins to use a combination of high-powered sedative and liquor to quiet his nerves so he can go to work. Then comes the day when he simply cannot make it and gets drunk all over again. Perhaps he goes to a doctor who gives him morphine or some sedative with which to taper off. Then he begins to appear at hospitals and sanitariums.

Jane, welcome to SR, I hope you learn from what you read here and find comfort in the support you'll receive from our members. What do you have planned for your recovery, have you considered attending Al-Anon meetings?

( Big Book quote from pgs. 21-22, Alcoholics Anonymous, 1st edition)

nowinsituation

Although I know the drinking is a huge problem, the deceit is so much more hurtful to me.

That is exactly how I felt when I discovered my XAH was hiding his drinking from me. At the time I didn't know much about alcoholism, but I knew that if he was hiding his drinking and lying about it the problem was huge. It is a testament to how powerful the addiction is -- how could he lie to my face and deny something that was so obvious. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

It seems that it is very common among addicts.

Pelican

I'm sorry you are going through this JaneX.

Yes this is common in alcoholism. The alcoholic is in denial, he won't admit to himself that it is out of control, much less admit it to loved ones.

There will be other along soon to share more wisdom with you. In the meantime, please read the sticky notes at the top of this Friends and Family Forum. There is lots of wisdom there and you will find that you are not alone!

Welcome!

Bernadette

For him to suggest that this bottle belonged to me is completely baffling and insane. He is an intelligent man but this is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. I am so blown away by this excuse, I cannot think straight.

Alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease. Alcoholics transact in lies and drama and will use any means necessary to keep drinking until they are ready & willing to stop.

I suspect they think I am crazy or blowing things out of proportion. They will insist that they never see him drinking or drunk.

The enablers and family members of alcoholics often transact in denial. It is as common as as bees on a flower. Until YOU choose to break through your own denial and accept what is really going on you will continue to not be able to think straight.

I found relief and a plan to get my own life back in REALITY by attending AlAnon and reading books like Codependent No More and Under the Influence.

It is really a drag when a person you love is caught in the throes of alcoholism and it is a progressive disease that only gets worse.

Don't waste time confronting him with bottles. It will get you exactly NOWHERE. It's a ride on the crazy train trying to get an alcoholic to "see" or "do" anything that to a non-alcoholic seems perfectly normal, healthy, or rational.

Spend your time on YOU and getting yourself squarely in reality so you can see what your options really are. You're not alone! Welcome to SR!

peace,
b

smacked

Towards the end, that is exactly how I drank.. hiding bottles, telling hubby they were 'old'..

I drank til I was done.. no one would have been able to convince me otherwise. It doesn't sound like HE wants help, and nothing you say, or tell his family will effect him or his desire to drink. Period.

YOU on the other hand can make some decisions. Are you ok living this way? What boundaries have YOU established? What are your decisions about how you want to live your life? One thing I do know, he WILL drink, until HE decides he doesn't want to anymore. That may be never.. Focus on you, care for your wellbeing..

lauraandersen4

I may suggest you tell him...hard as it may be...to choose you or the alcohol. I know this isnt' likely for you to do... but then at least you will have an answer. You don't deserve this... as my husband didn't

MissFixit

Dear Jane,

Welcome. I am sorry that you have found yourself here, but there are many folks who much to offer and decades of experience with alcoholism.

The secret drinking and outrageous lies are pretty typical of active alcoholism from what I have read and from the folks here. My exabf used to say very far-fetched things to hide the truth about his drinking. There is a lot of information at the top if this board in the sticky section. I wish that I had educated myself early on about alcoholism, behaviors and relationships with alcoholics. There are many books that folks here talk about. Codependent No More and What Doe He Do That are two that I have found enlightening.

sb0804

AMEN. The deceit part has always been baffling to me. This addiction is so powerful that it goes beyond any kind of rational thinking and sometimes I really think they believe the lies they tell.

I dont waste my time getting upset anymore. I found it doesnt do me any good to get really mad. I concentrate on myself and think about the good things.

JaneX

Thanks to all of you who responded.
Thanks to all who responded.

The only boundary I can imagine establishing is to divorce him. I am NOT okay living this way. I feel as though my life is one gigantic lie. However, I am a very positive person. I hate being sad, angry, and miserable so I force myself not to be. I have a great family, good friends, and a wonderful job. I guess I just kind of go on and enjoy my life the best that I can in spite of him. Sadly, in order to do that I have sort of left him behind. I love him very much but I feel as if I have been missing the best part of him for quite a while already.

isurvived

Wow, I've witnessed the exact same thing, the exact same denial. Over and over again. He never drank in front of me, he never went to taverns. His only drinking was secretive (in the garage, or the barn, or hidden in the house.

I always felt so betrayed. He'd look me right in the eye and say "no, I haven't been drinking" - and then call me paranoid for suggesting he had been.

After he moved, I found over 25 empty bottles of vodka hidden in the attic of my garage. He really went all out to conceal his usage.

Bottom line for me - if someone lies to me point blank, face to face - I cannot trust them. No trust = No love.

JaneX

I would have no problem asking him to make this choice. However, I know what the answer would be. Since he steadfastly insists that he is not drinking, he would look at me as if I were crazy, and choose me. Then I would go out to walk the dogs and he would sneak into the garage and take a swig of peppermint schnapps.

RosieM

Jane, this is exactly the behavior my XAH exhibited. I agree with Bern - don't even look for the bottles, don't confront him with them, don't give him an ultimatum - it's not going to make any difference except to prompt him to hide the bottles better. He is on his own path. Please take care of yourself. The situation will likely deteriorate unless he decides on his own to seek help and really work the program. R.

lauraandersen4

or conversely, (maybe a bit over the top)... tell him that you would like to go around the house with him (at that moment... not later so he has time to hide them in the yard or wherever)... be very thorough and if you find a bottle... say 'ok... we'll put this on the shelf or throw it out or whatever' ...don't confront... then when that is over and you have searched the place WITH him... he will have no place in the house to hide the alcohol and if you find a bottle, you would have a right to confront him. And then... you can offer him the option of you or the alcohol.

At the very least, he will have to find a much less convenient place to hide his alcohol. You can't stop him if he won't stop himself... but you don't deserve to live worrying about him 24/7.

Daisy30

Welcome!

I could have wrote the same things you have a few short years ago.

Bernadette put it very nicely!

It was very freeing when I stopped searching for bottles. I then had to accept the reality of my situation. He was an alcoholic. He was going to drink whether I found empties or not.

I didn't believe it when someone told me that this disease would get worse. But it does. And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse than this, the bottom fell out.

I had to make a decision to take care of me I did that by:

Educating myself about the disease (Marriage on the Rocks and Getting Them Sober were helpful to me in the beginning)

Going to al-anon, counceling, and posting here.

((((hugs)))) you are doing great!

Remember the 3 C's

you didn't cause it
you can't control it
you can't cure it

sandrawg

I had to do that with my xabf. I did this by asking him to stay sober for a month, or I would leave. He couldn't do it.

This was around July 4th--2 years after a lot of drama, frustration, empty and broken promises...I was incredibly hurt that he picked the bar over me, but I realize now it wasn't personal. He's in denial. He can't love anyone else because he doesn't love myself.

I am now surrounding myself with people who are capable of loving me. I am gradually feeling more and more peaceful and happy, without the albatross of my xabf's drinking around my neck. Guys are still interested in me...I'm going out on a date tomorrow actually...may be a little soon, but I'm not having any expectations or jumping into anything.

There is a worthwhile, happy life after alcoholism but as long as the person I loved was in denial and actively drinking, I sure couldn't have it with him!

sandrawg

You all call this irrational behavior...hiding the drinking. How is it so irrational?

The way I see it is, an active alcoholic needs to drink. He knows that his wife, gf, or family members don't approve of his drinking, because they've probably tried to tell him over and over. He HAS to drink. So, what choice does he have, but to hide and deny?

It's really pretty simple when you think about it. So maybe the OP shouldn't take the deceit so personally-it's actually something her husband HAS to do as long as he is not in recovery or trying to get sober.

sandrawg

Sorry, but I don't think this is going to solve her problem.

First off, it's a waste of time to think that catching him in the act, or combing the house looking for bottles, then confronting him is going to stop his drinking. She can block off every hiding place in the house...we know he'll just go elsewhere and drink. He could get bottles from the grocery store and sit in the parking lot for an hour and do it if he wanted.

And is that really going to keep her from worrying about him?

Let's say I were in her shoes and cut off any avenue in the house where he could hide his drinking. Then I'd be worried he'll end up driving around, drinking, and get a DUI.

I guess what i'm trying to say is, there are no "tricks" or "methods" you can put into practice to either stop an alcoholic from drinking, or to keep yourself from worrying about them. The only thing you can do to stop worrying is to learn the practice of letting go and taking the first of the 12 steps, which is admitting you're powerless over his alcoholism.

whyamistaying

My husband is an alcoholic. I have tried it all and everyone is right, it doesn't matter. I have tried ignoring it, confronting him, only he will decide when he is done.

The lies, I agree, are almost more hurtful than drinking. I used to confront my AH about it when he had said he gone to a meeting and I found a 12 pack in the backseat and you know what he told me (several times) --- Someone must have put it in there while he was at the meeting.

It is crazy and makes no sense. Listen to the good people here...and find the support you can.