Elpis

He broke up with me in December after 5 and a half years saying how he knew his drinking had gotten to be too much for me and how he didn't think he would ever get married. Now he's getting married next month! My best friend just told me. Her husband still talks to the ex and I had said months ago that I would rather hear from her if he got married, had kids, got seriously hurt or died. The way he was drinking and taking pills the end of our relationship I thought it would be the last two before the first two. I guess I have to accept that I can't blame the end of our relationship solely on the alcohol and pills. He just didn't love me. I really need words of encouragement. I can't believe he is getting married!

MissFixit

Elpis,

I am sorry you are hurting.

I assume that he is still actively drinking, and is not in a healthy frame of mind. It has nothing to do with you, but rather him and whatever void he is trying to fill. He is not the man you thought he was.

This happened to me too and I know how damaging it can be to internalize his actions and make them about you and your relationship. His actions have nothing to do with you as hard and painful as it is to believe.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

Hugs

Miss

Freedom1990

Do you really think that marriage is going to have a fairy tale ending? He's taking her hostage now!

Hold your head up high, gal! :ghug2

luciddreamrgrl

Hmmm December of 08 is when you broke up? So he's been with his knew hostage for 7 or 8 months? At the most? I feel bad for her. She probably doesn't even know he's an alcoholic. I know my XABF drew me in really quickly also. Drunken moments can be very emotional and passionate. But eventually it wears off and the hostage is only left with broken promises like you were.

I understand how painful this must be for you. If I found out my XABF moved on that fast, I would be devistated. You just have to hold on to the fact that you gave 5 years to him and it still ended. It probably will for them too when she realizes he's an addict.

Elpis

My best friend just came over. Apparently he is marrying the girl he met at a bar over Christmas two days before breaking up with me. In January she told him she was pregnant. She lived 10 hrs away so he drove down and paid for her to have an abortion. Which he told me about not caring how it hurt me. He also told me she was a druggy (addicted to pain pills after car accident) and had just got out of an abusive relationship. I hadn't talked to him since before Easter so didn't know if they were still together. She has since moved here into the apartment where I lived! Last month he used the phrase "she's just some druggy b**** I'm seeing" to my friends husband and now they are getting married! So after talking to my mom, my sister, and my best friend we have come to the following conclusions: I will never know if this happened because of his dad dying two years ago (when we began to see the changes in him) or if he had alcohol tendencies all along. That he is marrying someone who does not mind his drinking as she is in active addiction herself. That I'm glad it's not me because he is no longer the man I would want for a husband or father to my children.
It still hurts though! I think I am done crying for tonight. Thank you for the posts I know I'll be rereading them frequently.

prodigal

I hope you will really see what this man had to say about the woman is is marrying. Heaven knows what he said about you to her. Please get some counseling. I think you might want to find out why you are spending time crying over the loss of this type of man.

Everybody has a mother and father who eventually dies. That does not mean they turn into an alcoholic. Life is full of pain and tragedy. You can talk it to death and try to figure out why he did what he did, said what he said, or thought what he thought.

Please consider not wasting your tears or your thoughts any longer on why this man did what he did. You can't make sense of nonsense.

You deserve a whole lot better. Focus on yourself and get better. When you do, you will never put up with this type of lunacy again.

Taking5

Please! People lose their fathers all the time and they don't become alcoholics because of it!

My dad went into the hospital and died and I called a couple of drinking buddies and mourned him by getting drunk. If he had recovered I would've called a couple of drinking buddies to celebrate his recovery by getting drunk.

He is what he is, and you are missing nothing.

Why you give a damn about where he is and what he is doing at this point is another issue you need to work on.

sandrawg

Why on earth would you assume this, just based on the news that he's getting married?

And think about all bad things about your xabf his fiancee is going to inherit. Aren't you glad, deep down inside, that you're not in her shoes?

I've thought a lot about how I would feel if I knew my xabf was in a new relationship. Yeah, it would hurt to a certain extent, but I know that this new relationship won't be any better than ours was--not unless he manages to get help and enter recovery.

GiveLove

It hurts because you are still in the habit. Love -- even love of someone who treated us very badly -- can be a "habit" we get into, continuing to do it even in the face of incredibly awful stuff like what you've told us about.

Try to work every day on loving YOURSELF. Develop a new habit of looking at yourself with tenderness and support, like you would give to a young girl going through a hard time. Keep her well. Give her treats. Tell her you love her. Take her out to learn new things. Treat her better than you've been treated.

The old habit will fade if you do these things, and the new habit -- of caring for yourself, and never letting someone abusive like this in your life again -- will develop.

Hugs to you!

Crazy4Him

Try to be thankful that you are no longer with a man who can talk about his girlfriend this way behind her back. Lord only knows the things he must have said about YOU. He's no prize, a tuxedo and a big party are just smoke screens, he is still an active addict behind it all completely incapabe of being fully present in any intimate relationship. His future wife doesn't seem like she's doing much better.

I hope you stop asking about him or stop other people from telling you about him. It's not good for your soul right now. Good or bad to know what he is up to only keeps you stuck. I'm so sorry you're hurting. Cry all you need to and take long showers. Both are proven stress reducers. At the height of my break-up I took about four showers a day!

Crazy4Him

I didn't read the replies before posting and didn't see that prodigal already said pretty much everything I did! lol

Elpis

Thanks to everyone! I told my best friend today that I do not want anymore news about him. I'm in therapy and luckily my next appointment is Wesnesday. I have not cried yet today and hope I don't. I just go through all these emotions and was shocked and very upset last night. I have a hard time separating the person he was at the beginning of the relationship with the person he is now. I am blessed to have parents who have been married for over thirty years and still love and respect each other and grandparents who also showed me what a true marriage should be. That is the type of marriage I deserve and still can find. That is not the type of marriage I would have had with him nor is it the type he will have with this other girl. I know I will still have moments I try to rationalize his actions but I need to keep reminding myself that it can't be rationalized and that I deserve better. I am so glad I have my family, friends, therapist and SR to help remind me also!

Bernadette

That I'm glad it's not me because he is no longer the man I would want for a husband or father to my children.

It is really GOOD that you know this!!

Even though you know this I know it can still hurt. Often we are mourning the potential that a person had...and we watch them just flush it down the toilet with drinking and drugs and it is a heartbreaker no doubt.

If I want to feel sick I look at my brothers, what they were, what they could have been...and what they have become.

But I don't like to make myself sick anymore, thanks to AlAnon and therapy over the years, so now I just accept them exactly as they are. I love them just the way they are today...active or sober, it's their life to live how they choose....I am happy that I also have freedom of choice and can choose how I want to live!

(((hugs))) one day at a time...you will feel better!

peace,
b