AH 1st attempt to quit
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Over the Rainbow
Posts: 24
AH 1st attempt to quit
After 5 days of being sober AH started drinking. So he swears "again" that he is going to quit. I asked him what if anything triggered this, and he said the craving was just to strong. I suggested that he go to our family doctor and talk to him. I don't know of anything else to do, since he refuses to attend AA or counseling. Which I think he really needs. He has a lot of past issues.
I told him that I will still attend Al Anon for I think it has been a lot of help for me. So back to square one. Or as others have stated the roller coaster ride continues.
One day my life will be normal........with or without him.:praying
I told him that I will still attend Al Anon for I think it has been a lot of help for me. So back to square one. Or as others have stated the roller coaster ride continues.
One day my life will be normal........with or without him.:praying
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi there-
well, if it makes you feel any better, my xABF just did exactly the same.
after swearing undying love, he quit drinking. i said you'll never make it without a program; just quitting drinking isn't going to work. he said he "knew himself" and once he set his mind to something, that was it.
he made it four days, drank and then blamed me for it. i don't even think he made it four days. i think he's lying.
i'm so glad i moved out.
well, if it makes you feel any better, my xABF just did exactly the same.
after swearing undying love, he quit drinking. i said you'll never make it without a program; just quitting drinking isn't going to work. he said he "knew himself" and once he set his mind to something, that was it.
he made it four days, drank and then blamed me for it. i don't even think he made it four days. i think he's lying.
i'm so glad i moved out.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Please please know that IF he starts drinking again that that in NO WAY is a reflection of his love for you, anything about you or anything about your relationship. Sometimes it takes an addict several times of trial and error before the light goes on.
Detach yourself from that idea quickly and it will be so much easier on yourself. Its hard when the addict in your life professes their undying love for you or the promise that FOR YOU they will change when in reality they just cant change for anyone but themselves.
Please learn that lesson quickly you will be so much better off if you COMPLETELY understand that you didnt cause it, you cant cure it and you cant change it......
Detach yourself from that idea quickly and it will be so much easier on yourself. Its hard when the addict in your life professes their undying love for you or the promise that FOR YOU they will change when in reality they just cant change for anyone but themselves.
Please learn that lesson quickly you will be so much better off if you COMPLETELY understand that you didnt cause it, you cant cure it and you cant change it......
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 40
Wow. Where do I begin? First of all, please know that I am a "newbie" to this whole AA/Al-Anon/Recovery thing as well. My husband decided to check into a hospital for a 5-day detox at the beginning of May. The detox program did require him to attend some AA meetings, but it was not an actual "rehab" program. After his 5-day stay there, he came home and managed to stay sober for about 20 days before he relapsed. Honestly, though, I'm still shocked that he managed to make it 20 days without drinking. Those were the most miserable 20 days of my life, so I can only imagine what it must have been like for him.
You see, once the alcohol was taken away my AH's underlying depression issues were fully revealed to us both for the first time and it was far worse than either of us had realized. Many people forget that on top of having an actual disease, alcoholics often drink to self-medicate and cover up other issues they find too difficult to deal with, like depression or a painful past. Since I get the feeling you are looking for answers as to why your AH started drinking again, I just wanted to point this out as one possibility.
More than anything, though, I wanted to tell you that I think the absolute BEST thing you can do for yourself right now is simply read as much as you can, especially about what makes alcoholism a disease rather than a choice. I have already spoken about this subject in another thread, but there are a lot of really great articles online that do a fantastic job of explaining the disease. I know of one in particular that I would love to post, but apparently we are not allowed to post websites in our threads or responses until we have at least 15 posts under our belts. If you send me a PM, though, I may possibly be able to send you the link that way.
Anyway, the reason it is so important that you try to educate yourself about this disease is because once you have a better understanding about what your AH is going through both mentally and physically, you will find that things like this (his current relapse) are SO much easier for YOU to deal with. If I hadn't already been learning about alcoholism and its effects while my husband was undergoing detox treatment, I probably would have crumbled when he later relapsed. I know for a fact that I would have been extremely disappointed in him and I probably would have reminded him constantly that he just "threw away" 20 days of sobriety. I would have been heartbroken, angry, hopeless, and I just might have even packed my bags at that point.
Instead, I almost expected his relapse to happen. In fact, I actually felt like a relapse NEEDED to happen in my husband's case because I knew that it was probably the only way he would fully come to understand that he would never be able to drink like "normal people." During his miserable 20 days of sobriety after detox, he kept talking about how he would eventually be able to have "just a beer or two on occasion" now that his system was detoxed. He thought all he needed to do was stay sober for a long period of time (I guess 20 days was long enough in his mind) and then he would have broken his regular habit of drinking every night. As soon as he relapsed, though, reality came crashing down on him. He thought he could drink for just that first night, but eight drunken nights later he finally realized he truly could not control his urge to drink.
In other words, a relapse is sometimes an unfortunate part of recovery. It's unfortunate, of course, because it is so difficult to watch your AH go through that and you want so badly for them to stay sober, but you really do have to look at it as A PART OF THE PROCESS rather than a step backwards. A relapse is something they HAVE to go through sometimes in order to develop the mindset they need to fully embrace the recovery concept.
As I mentioned earlier, my AH and I are still VERY early in the recovery process ourselves (he has 33 days sobriety as of today), but I can tell you that if he hadn't relapsed he probably would have never checked himself into an in-patient rehabilitation facility, which he did at the beginning of last month. He was there for 21 days and I can see a WORLD of difference in his outlook this time. He now understands that he has an actual disease that makes it impossible for him to drink like "normal people". He no longer believes that he is strong enough to stay sober without the help of meetings and staying in contact with other members of AA. With all of that said, however, I do still realize that there is no guarantee that my AH will not relapse again. If he does, though, I will know that it happened because he still didn't have the mindset needed to achieve lifelong sobriety.
Remember, alcoholism is a disease, just like cancer. The treatment of cancer sometimes results in an unfortunate side effect, like losing one's hair, and just like cancer the treatment of alcoholism also sometimes results in an unfortunate side effect, relapse. Just try to keep in mind that it is all a part of the process.
In the meantime, as his spouse all you can really do is be there for your husband and support him. Tell him not to be ashamed of himself because, whether he says it out loud or not, your AH is beating himself up right now. Tell him you believe he can learn from his relapse experience, grow from it, be stronger because of it and move forward with his recovery. Just remember that you cannot recover FOR your husband, he has to make that decision himself.
Stay strong and continue to educate yourself. That's about the best advice I can give at this point, for what it's worth. I wish you the best.
You see, once the alcohol was taken away my AH's underlying depression issues were fully revealed to us both for the first time and it was far worse than either of us had realized. Many people forget that on top of having an actual disease, alcoholics often drink to self-medicate and cover up other issues they find too difficult to deal with, like depression or a painful past. Since I get the feeling you are looking for answers as to why your AH started drinking again, I just wanted to point this out as one possibility.
More than anything, though, I wanted to tell you that I think the absolute BEST thing you can do for yourself right now is simply read as much as you can, especially about what makes alcoholism a disease rather than a choice. I have already spoken about this subject in another thread, but there are a lot of really great articles online that do a fantastic job of explaining the disease. I know of one in particular that I would love to post, but apparently we are not allowed to post websites in our threads or responses until we have at least 15 posts under our belts. If you send me a PM, though, I may possibly be able to send you the link that way.
Anyway, the reason it is so important that you try to educate yourself about this disease is because once you have a better understanding about what your AH is going through both mentally and physically, you will find that things like this (his current relapse) are SO much easier for YOU to deal with. If I hadn't already been learning about alcoholism and its effects while my husband was undergoing detox treatment, I probably would have crumbled when he later relapsed. I know for a fact that I would have been extremely disappointed in him and I probably would have reminded him constantly that he just "threw away" 20 days of sobriety. I would have been heartbroken, angry, hopeless, and I just might have even packed my bags at that point.
Instead, I almost expected his relapse to happen. In fact, I actually felt like a relapse NEEDED to happen in my husband's case because I knew that it was probably the only way he would fully come to understand that he would never be able to drink like "normal people." During his miserable 20 days of sobriety after detox, he kept talking about how he would eventually be able to have "just a beer or two on occasion" now that his system was detoxed. He thought all he needed to do was stay sober for a long period of time (I guess 20 days was long enough in his mind) and then he would have broken his regular habit of drinking every night. As soon as he relapsed, though, reality came crashing down on him. He thought he could drink for just that first night, but eight drunken nights later he finally realized he truly could not control his urge to drink.
In other words, a relapse is sometimes an unfortunate part of recovery. It's unfortunate, of course, because it is so difficult to watch your AH go through that and you want so badly for them to stay sober, but you really do have to look at it as A PART OF THE PROCESS rather than a step backwards. A relapse is something they HAVE to go through sometimes in order to develop the mindset they need to fully embrace the recovery concept.
As I mentioned earlier, my AH and I are still VERY early in the recovery process ourselves (he has 33 days sobriety as of today), but I can tell you that if he hadn't relapsed he probably would have never checked himself into an in-patient rehabilitation facility, which he did at the beginning of last month. He was there for 21 days and I can see a WORLD of difference in his outlook this time. He now understands that he has an actual disease that makes it impossible for him to drink like "normal people". He no longer believes that he is strong enough to stay sober without the help of meetings and staying in contact with other members of AA. With all of that said, however, I do still realize that there is no guarantee that my AH will not relapse again. If he does, though, I will know that it happened because he still didn't have the mindset needed to achieve lifelong sobriety.
Remember, alcoholism is a disease, just like cancer. The treatment of cancer sometimes results in an unfortunate side effect, like losing one's hair, and just like cancer the treatment of alcoholism also sometimes results in an unfortunate side effect, relapse. Just try to keep in mind that it is all a part of the process.
In the meantime, as his spouse all you can really do is be there for your husband and support him. Tell him not to be ashamed of himself because, whether he says it out loud or not, your AH is beating himself up right now. Tell him you believe he can learn from his relapse experience, grow from it, be stronger because of it and move forward with his recovery. Just remember that you cannot recover FOR your husband, he has to make that decision himself.
Stay strong and continue to educate yourself. That's about the best advice I can give at this point, for what it's worth. I wish you the best.
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