Lynette57

It has been 2 years since my AD an her BF came to me for help with there OXY addiction. They stayed with me for 3 months got clean and healthy and went home. I remember the before they came the fear of losing her. When they were here it was major stress. 2 years have past since that time. She has tried shortly after for a time managing the addiction...then on to suboxone. now found a good doctor/physch. that is treating her with methadone.

Last summer I rarely saw or heard from her and was worried alot. I kept my hands off but I know it was codie behavior just to let it comsume me and my time in my head.

This summer they came for a visit and stayed a week They only live in the next town. Hate to say it but I got progressively more stressed with them here.

I realize that I have set my life up now without the chaos of there life. She is still on a small dose of methadone. But the way they view life and work and pretty much anything to me is crazy.

I am glad I could help her 2 years ago. I am also glad that I have recovered enough to not want to take care of her anymore, and beyond that realize that she has no right to disrupt my way of life, since I chose a life without chaos.

I don't post much, but read alot on here. And I have learned much.

I see alot of parents liek me would know how hard it is to let go with a child you created in your body, or loved there whole lives.

But to hang on means mental,physical and spiritual death for me and my life.

I realized this week that I am no longer willing to give up any of those things.
She has choices and a younger body and mind to work with to make her life whatever she wants it to be.

Yesterday was truly independance day for me. In the past 2 years due to her addiction and my recovery I have also realized how Ihave created codepenant relationships all around me.

I find myself bery introspective and not wanting to be aroudn alot of the people I have known for many years. Hopefully I can come to some sense of balance as right now I seem to look at most everyone with an eye of "what do they want from me now?"

Thanks again to all my friends and support system on here...who without your sharing your experinces and pain and victories I might still be in the swamp trying to save people who choose to swim with the crocdiles.

I can for the firs time in my 50 years of life see the light at the end of the tunnel for my peace of mind and spirit.

Love you all...

cassandra2

It feels great to truly let go. Its like a weigh of chains around your neck has been lifted and you are finally free to live a good life.

Thanks for sharing....

Freedom1990

Wow, did that one sentence ever speak volumes to me! That was exactly where I was at with my AD when I finally understood I had to let go.

She may not be living the way I'd like her to, but I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands.

:ghug :ghug

Lynette57

After all that letting go, somehow I woke up with shingles yesterday.

I guess my body is still trying to tell me something. Or its just reacting to years of co-dependent behavior.

kj3880

Yeah, I get that, totally. I also have a disease that acts up when I'm stressed out. I consider it my emotional thermometer.

And i totally understand keeping a wary eye out on new people who come into your life. I'm the same way. My first thought when I see a new person trying to get to know me is pretty much the same as yours: What do they want from me?
I view it like PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). After my very stressful relationship with my abusive xabf, I'm a little gun-shy. I often imagine that others only want to be around me for what they can get from me. And this makes me very sad. Talk about a blow to my self-esteem. I have to keep working on me, I guess.

Love,
KJ

HurtingDad

You certainly nailed this issue! Enjoy the serenity. Sending prayers and best wishes for you, your son and family.

Lynette57

Hurting Dad....I have been following your story. My daughter never got to the point so far that you have experienced. Each time the game changes for our loved one it can take us back down. You have been an amazing dad.
There were many times when it truly seemed like a good idea to go remove her boyfreind from the planet. A dear friend of mine who her and her husband are recovering addicts 16 clean years helped me to understand that more than likely would not stop her.

The best we can do is day to day. I unfortunaltey let my "fear" of what could happen wear out my body. So to some extent now I am having to focus on me. As I recover the big question is.....is this worth dying for?

This board has been my saving lifeline many nights. Just reading and being with people who understand what goes through my mind.