riaerif

This is a repost from the ACOA forum because someone there mentioned in another thread that it might be helpful to post in this forum due to the amount of traffic. I hope that's okay and it doesn't come off like I'm spamming the forums. Anyway...


Like all good enablers/codependents/ACOA I flit in and out. I show up, whine, get some support and then flit away to lose myself in this fantasy that everything is okay. I never stay because eventually someone is going to hate me or not like me or whatever excuse I give myself from day to day.

But I've kept this site hidden away on my bookmarks to use if I needed help.

Yesterday I argued with my mom who is a recovering addict. I finally asked her, "Do you realize how screwed up I am? I'm talking nuts, here!"

Then I asked her if on her list of crap that she screwed up and had to fix if I was anywhere on it because I was the most broken of all.

I told her I wasn't taking care of her anymore and that I was tired of hearing her whine about how I don't understand anything and at least I had a husband. Of course, I sunk to a low level and told her she was the lucky one because she had a sap like me to follow her around and clean up all her messes. *sigh*

I went to Al-Anon meetings. I hated them. I couldn't understand how any of that junk was supposed to lead me to finally feeling some justice. I want my mom to suffer for everything she's done to mess things up from the time I was a kid.

I try constantly to get her to love me the way I want her to and that's so dumb. It'll never happen. It never has. She's very controlling and when she screws up I can finally get in her face and tell her off and I LOVE it. That can't be healthy. I want her to be the one who desperately wants MY attention and love for once. I'm tired of her crap and if I had my way I'd be gone.

I'm too old for this. I'm 32 and have two children and we need to get away from her. We were all so close when she was in jail. Now that she's back (yes, we all live together. It's her home and my husband and I and his family pay for all the bills and mortgage and stuff so she wouldn't lose her house.) my marriage is strained and my children are unhappy more because I'm unhappy more.

I just hate this. I really want to hate her. Sometimes I think I do. Today is one of those days. After my big revealing confession to her last night about what I really need she stopped talking to me. She's cold, but polite. Why doesn't she want my love as much as I always wanted hers? How come she can act like a cold b**** to me when she's the one who always screwed up?

Did I do this? Did I stay by her side and somehow that means I'm responsible for this? It doesn't matter. I really am way too screwed up by now to untangle myself from this mess.

So here we are and she's finally a convicted felon after I don't know how many slaps on the wrist. Yet she doesn't deserve any of the bad stuff, she says. And I did?

Anyway, my children need me and somehow I have to find a way to cope and get healthy. I won't let them become like me if there's anything I can do to prevent it.

jerect

I really don't have any advice for you but I will tell you what has worked for me..

I turned the focus on myself and off of my addict.. it has made a world of a difference.

I know you said that you went to alanon and hated it but consider giving it another shot, maybe try to find a different meeting and finding a different prespective.. I did not like alanon at first.. in fact I was so angry that I had to go because I was not the one with the problem my husband was.. but after attending for awhile and working the steps I realized that yes indeed I was part of the problem.. and while I coulden't fix or change my AH I could fix and change myself and thats what I'm doing..

I'm sorry you are in such turmoil.. like I said I don't really have a lot of advice but maybe someone else on here will..

good luck.

outtolunch

You are responsible for your own choices and what you feel or think.

True adulthood means we stop blaming our parents for whatever is wrong with us. You are responsible for you and your own choices and what you feel and think. Mom has no control over you unless you relinquish it to her and vice-versa.

Have you considered getting some therapy to help you move beyond the trauma that is your mother?

riaerif

jerect, I'm not sure how to fix myself without losing this idea I have of having her as the mom I miss in my life. I know fixing myself means losing her. I know that. But this is all I've known my whole life. Who am I if not her protector/caregiver/tormentor? And who am I without my righteous anger to comfort me everytime I'm disappointed?

But I know you're correct and I know it's better for me and I also know it will make my husband and children happier and healthier people. I have to choose whether to be my mother's daughter first or a member of the family I've built up with my husband. I can't be both anymore.


outtolunch, Well... oi.... that was tough. I want to blame my mother for everything because it IS her fault. I'm sure I'll eventually learn that's not how it is, but right now it's all I can see. I know when she was in jail I was a really happy person. I spent time with my kids and husband and my whole outlook on life changed.

Then she came back. I don't think getting away from her means as much if she's taken away from me as opposed to me walking away from her. I know how to live without her in my life, but I don't know how to make the decision to get her out of my life. Like I said to jerect, maybe the whole working on myself thing is where to start, because if I do that, eventually she won't be my whole world anymore. I honestly have no idea. I'm just really confused and NO way seems to be up anymore.

I did go to therapy and tried to work on it with this one guy who was also seeing mom. He constantly told me how to be my mom's support through her recovery and how it was a disease and to forgive her because my anger was just another stress for her. Then he showed up at my WEDDING because mom invited him. Her bf at the time couldn't fly in for the wedding and she stood in my receiving line next to me and told the therapist how depressed she was... at my WEDDING!

So, I did go to another therapist with my husband when we were dealing with some pretty rough stuff and the first therapist ended up sending me into a panicked nightmare with his "advice." The second guy was cool, but he moved and I'm nowhere near ready to trust someone else after that other mess.

Do I need therapy? Sure. But I'm terrified of it.

Freedom1990

Resentments shut me off from the sunlight of the spirit.

My father is an untreated ACOA, and my mother is the hand-wringing martyr codependent. I am the recovering addict in the family, and the first one in many generations to break the cycle of addiction. My brother broke his cycle of addiction many years after I got into recovery, and to this day, he's kept that secret from the rest of the family besides me.

I didn't start to heal from the dysfunctional dynamics of my family of origin until I came to accept that the only one I could change was me, and that I had to learn to 'parent' myself in many areas.

My mother will never be the kind of mother I always wanted, and today that's okay with me. I've learned to take care of that lonely insecure little girl inside of me.

I hope you are able to find the peace of mind and acceptance that I have found. :ghug :ghug

KariSue

My mother will never be the kind of mother I always wanted, and today that's okay with me. I've learned to take care of that lonely insecure little girl inside of me.

Freedom, On the Dr. Phil show, he said sometimes a person is not able to give another person what they need. He said they need to learn to give it to themselves. Your comment confirms that.

KariSue

hello-kitty

My mother will never be the kind of mother I want her to be. We will never have the relationship I wish that we could have had.

My mother did the best she could with what she had. She was far from perfect.

But I am an adult. I have my own responsibilities now. I have my own child that I do not want to "screw up".

So I have let go of my past. Actually, it's not a one time thing. It's something I have to do on a continual basis. I accept my childhood, my mother, her shortcomings, my disappointments and I move on.

I look at the future. I learn from my mothers mistakes. I provide a better life for my son.

That made me laugh (in a cute funny way). Because in the end you are the one who has to live with your life and your choices. Not her. So at what point do you start to own your own problems? And what are you teaching your children by not accepting responsibility for yourself and who you are today?

riaerif

I know. But right now I have no idea HOW to even begin this process other than b****ing about it and getting it out of my system so I can take a deep breath and finally see the next step instead of just wanting to hurry up and make it all better.

I'm way too impatient and somehow I want to throw my tantrum, wear myself out and then hopefully get some clarity. I'm coming down from my tantrum phase which is probably why I didn't run crying about how everything thinks it's all my fault when I read your questions.

And trust me, I am definitely pulling away from that place where everything everyone says to me is a personal attack, but boy could I twist things like a champ at one time..... like... two days ago. )

But thank you because I know that these are things I have to work on. If I can figure out how to get started, maybe I can make some progress eventually.

Freedom1990

You posted earlier in this thread:
Perhaps your answers lies within sticking it out with others in recovery, and starting to work the 12 steps.

riaerif

Oh boy, Freedom1990.... the idea of sticking it out just scared the poo out of me.

That's a long-term commitment and I didn't realize how much that terrified me until you put it out there. I want all of this crap to be gone. I want to not be the daughter of an addict. I want to be normal.... whatever that's supposed to be.

I mean... I know I want to. I KNOW I want to do this and work on things and find useful tools to help me get through things in one piece that used to tear me apart. I know that. I really want to do that.

I'm just so scared and right now I don't know if I'm strong enough, but I also know I don't want the consequences of what will happen if I don't change things in my life now.

I have it in my head that newcomers are ready for this, you know? They're all in for the long haul from the beginning, but then there's that one day at a time thing, too.

I'm just frightened I'm not good enough to make it all the way through and that if that's the case, then I want to live that way. I don't. I really don't. I want to be happy and secure. But I'm not used to thinking I could have a life like that if I don't have complete control over all of it.

Freedom1990

Long-term commitments scare the poo out of me too, and I've been in this recovery thing for many years now. I've found that I can do for a day that which would terrify me to do long-term.

outtolunch

You are 32 and have a family of your own.

Why live in your mother's house where the drama and chaos of her choices/behavior make you nuts?

It's not you job to save her house, is it?

riaerif

Originally, we faced some very hard financial issues and my husband, daughter and I had no place to go. We ended up moving in with mom because she was kind enough to invite us.

We stayed and actually were doing just fine with each other. There were small issues, but my husband is a year away from finishing college and I was looking for better work so we knew we were moving toward something better.

Then last year this happened and there were court things and all and she went to jail and lost her job and we stayed and, with support from my husband's family, paid the mortgage, bills and the car payment for her so she wouldn't lose everything.

After helping us out, I figured it was my duty to return the favor. What kind of a brat would I be if I turned my back on her when she needed the help? At least that's what I thought.

Now she's out of jail and home but we can't afford to keep up her house without my husband's family's support and we can't go out on our own without some help while he finishes school.

But they have told us they don't want her to lose the house so it's either out on the streets, live here with her or try to get her to leave. And it's her house so I don't think the latter will happen.

If we were financially able, we'd be gone. And actually we are looking at some options right now so maybe we can leave.

The problem is it means uprooting the kids and that's difficult. There are just so many things about staying that makes things easier. There are just as many things that make life harder, too.

It's not that I don't want to do what's best for me and my family, I just don't know what that is.

doonya

Riaerif - your post on my thread was so intuitively right-on and meaningful that I just have to respond here. My mother is awful!! She's not an addict but she was married to one. You don't have to be an addict to be a dreadful mother. You're 32? I'm 63 and it's still a problem. Just to be in her presence makes me feel small, childlike and weak ...... broken. Truth is, I'm not nearly as broken as she makes me feel.

My solution? Make that work FOR YOU. If my Mom didn't give me anything else, at least she taught me how NOT to raise a child. Stop the madness. Turn it around. Make up your mind that what has happened to you goes no further. Honor, love, praise and give to your children everything that you yourself did not receive. Unless you and I are not from the same planet, doing this will at least cut the pain you are feeling in half. It is said that when you reach out to benefit someone else, the benefit blesses you as well. In this case, you are just reaching forward instead of back. JMHO and I truly hope it is helpful. It works for me.

riaerif

Thanks so much, doonya!

Truth is, the drama continues on this end. LOL.

I'm not even upset, though. I was checking out my profile here and seeing who had checked me out and one person didn't strike me as anything odd until I hit her profile.

Might be my mom.

I'm not upset. I told her about this place a long time ago. And I don't go into any of the areas for addicts specifically so I figure it's all good.

And she does make me feel stupid a lot because you know... she's my mom.

But I could have done more digging to check if it was her, but I won't. If it's her, good for her for finding her way here. I never thought she'd make the effort.

If it's not, that's fine, too.

For the first time in a long time, I just don't care. She's her own person and I'm my own person and that's it.

Wow, did I just say that? Not needing her anymore (or working on that) has already helped so much. I just need to keep it up.

Hearing that you're still struggling gives me a lot of encouragement, though. You're not giving up and I'm not planning on giving up, either. We'll both get through it, doonya. I have faith in us.

Oh and I love what you said about parenting. That's actually a big thing for me. I always understand that I'm an amazing mother because of my mother. There were good things before the drugs. Those things I take and try to duplicate. For everything after the drugs, I do the opposite and wouldn't you know that I'm a better mother for it?

Amazing how that works. When you know you're being raised the wrong way, you just have to flip it around and come out on top after all, I guess.

imallright

Amazing how that works. When you know you're being raised the wrong way, you just have to flip it around and come out on top after all, I guess.[/QUOTE]


I was raised the "right way"... ended up going the "wrong way" and now am trying to find my way back. I have always attempted to do my best with the kids and I sure hope that even though there have been many, many mistakes and crap they have had to deal with because of my choices and Dad's... that they will find the way to the "right way". They deserve to be in loving, kind, mature, normal relationships and to share that with their families even if it ain't always what they got!

whereami

You could blog letters to her and never send them...get all your anger out and just hide them somewhere...when I get frustrated with my mom for being to controlling or nosy I do that...its kinda like a diary but easier to hide from the Beatles generation...hehe...(ducks flying bananas)

Learn2Live

I resented and blamed my father for everything that was ever bad in my life. Oh, whoa is me, I'm so messed up because of him and why couldn't he have done what he was SUPPOSED to do? It is blaming. It is assigning your feelings to someone else and someone else's actions. It is so, so many things that eat at you, and create all the drama, all the tears and the screaming and the wishing you (or somebody) were dead. And then the alcoholism and the drug addiction and all the problems of all the children--ALL because Dad is an alcoholic! Right?

I don't feel any of that any longer. I love my father, alcoholic or not, no matter how badly he behaves, no matter how much he continues to use my poor, sweet mother. No matter how much he inconveniences me, how often. No matter what he does or does not say or give to me. No matter the fact that he is KILLING HIMSELF and it is going to hurt me when he dies.

I have been able to forgive my dad for all the horrible things that happened to me as a child, for the neglect, the abuse, all of it. I appreciate my father every day of my life and have even been able to call him and thank him for the things he DID do right. I have accepted that he is a person, with his own faults, and his own flaws, but I can see the good in him and focus on that now, and be grateful for having the father I had, because believe me, it could have been WAY worse. Those people who I, as a child believed had it so much better than me (which I hated my dad for not giving us that kind of life too), I've found as an adult that those people didn't have it any better than me! They seemed so normal, and I thought I was different. And here I find out that they had it WORSE than me!

I'm not here to tell you to forgive your mother and try to get along and all that. I'm not saying you have to see things the way I am saying I do. What I want to tell you is that Al-Anon is the reason I am able to have this peace and serenity in my llife, and the reason I have such a better relationship with my father than all of my brothers. None of them went to Al-anon, none of them worked on themselves the way I did, and they are all blaming and resentful. My one brother hasn't even spoken to my father in like 10 years, except at a funeral of our uncle. But I know, that when my father finally dies of this insidious disease, I will know that I have done my best and that me and my dad have parted with LOVE. And my peace and serenity will continue. My brothers? Well, I just don't know what's going to happen to them when my dad passes away.