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addicted sis wnats me to go to alanon/naranon.. struggling with religious aspect



addicted sis wnats me to go to alanon/naranon.. struggling with religious aspect

Old 07-07-2009, 09:14 PM
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addicted sis wnats me to go to alanon/naranon.. struggling with religious aspect

My sis in law and I just started speaking again, so far, it's goin g great. She's well on her way to recovery and is on step 4. I stopped speaking to her because I couldn't handle her behaviors and outbursts and verbal abuse while she was using and didn't want to enable her anymore.
We spoke tonight, in person, and for the first time in a long time had a 2 way rational calm but emotional discussin about why we stopped speaking. Obviously, we both have very different perspectives, which is very understandable, my understanding and acceptance of this is largely due to teh people on this forum, so thank you for that.
She did say toward the end of the conversation that she can believe that she wasn't as innocent as she thought but she still doesn't remember doing any of it. I'm okay with that, as long as she stays clean and it doesn't happen anymore, I am completely willing to forgive and forget, I've already forgiven.
She's been attending AA as well as ALANON (but she's addicted to perscription pills) and she parctically begged me to go to ALANON meeting with her.
I've been going to a therapist and working on myself and my issues with guilt that come from 2 addicted parents and an addicted brother, pluse friends that have died due to drug related things, one was a suicide. I'm working on learning to say no to people and to not accept fault for other people's shortcomings and I think I have made progress.
While ALANON seems like it might be a good thing for me, I have a few reservations about it that are holding me back from going, I was just wondering if anyone else had had the same feelings about going and if I am wrong about the meetings.
For one thing, I think my husband will laugh at me about going, he already said it's ridiculous for me to go and I hate having to feel embarrassed about it. I know I shouldn't care what he thinks, but it bothers me.
Another thing is that I just can't picture myself in a group session type of thing. I was never one to talk about my problems with people, I tried to work it out on my own or in therapy.. I don't really knwo how to open up to strangers.
A big thing is the religious aspect. I wouldn't say I'm athiest, maybe agnostic. I believe there's rhyme and reason to everything, that there are no accidents and that there is lessons to be learned in everything and that there is an overall path that we're supposed to follow, but the organized religion and God and Jesus or whatever else, I'm not sure I can get into believing that. I believe that there's something, but I don't know what and I don't really believe that it's one divine being. If the alanon steps are devoting myself to a higher power, I don't think that I can take it seriously. To me, saying that everything is in Gods hands is like saying that you don't have to accept responsibility for your own actions.
I want to go to support her, but I don't want to just kind of "fake it" to please her either. I want to be sure that I'm going for me. Has anyone else struggles with the religion part of Alanon? How did you get over it? Is it really religious or is that the least part of it? I just don't know what to expect.
Thanks for any advice!!
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Old 07-07-2009, 10:23 PM
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Jen, I am not going to try to convince you to go to Al-Anon.

I would like to suggest that you go, by yourself, to 5 or 6 DIFFERENT meetings and just 'check it out.' You may be surprised that many of your 'preconceptions' are erroneous. See for yourself. See how different meetings are run. Listen, you don't have to share if you don't want. Pick up some of the literature. It really is not 'group therapy.'

It is struggling souls who have found or are finding a 'solution' for themselves. They share their individual Expeience, Strength, and Hope on how they are moving forward.

Won't hurt to just 'check it out for yourself.'

Then decide whether to attend one with your Sister In Law.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-08-2009, 01:14 AM
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JensSis,
I've struggled with those same concerns and while I can't say I've found a group that doesn't endorse religion, I feel that it was because of the area and the limited exposure I've had to the meetings, not Al-Anon itself. I've been to many AA meetings (as a visitor) and 90% of them never addressed God, only a HP (higher power) which for me is the earth and her beauty and power. Its the love and freedom I feel standing in front of the roaring ocean, while the waves crash on shore. Its the comfort and love I feel when I am falling asleep in the arms of the man I love. Its the comfort I feel inside despite the thunderstorm. Its the butterflies I get when I see an adorable fluffy bird outside my window singing her perfect little song. Whatever "THAT" is, that is my HP and that is who I hand all my pain and sorrow to.
You're right. You should def. go to Al-Anon for you and not your SIL, but like the woman above me, maybe try out a few different meetings and see what you think. They say "take what you need and leave the rest".
I really admire the way you explained how you feel and what's going on. Very easy to understand and it seems like you have a lot of personal insight. Your concerns are very normal and more people will be along to share their experiences.
Oh, and nice to meet you.
I'm Holly.
<3<3
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Old 07-08-2009, 05:25 AM
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I've found the anon programs so helpful for me. I've had years of therapy and the meetings have helped me in a way that the therapy never touched. You don't have to say anything at a meeting "I'll pass" is a commonly heard statement. The longer I'm in the programs the more I'm passing in fact. These are not "religious" meetings at all. More spiritual I guess. Whenever God is mentioned I think that it is short hand for Higher Power - which is what each of us defines for herself. It definitely is not group therapy because "cross-talk" isn't allowed. I have been very helped by hearing others experience, strength, and hope. One of the most important things that I have heard at meetings is "take what you like and leave the rest". There are things that I don't like about the meetings but I just "leave" that.

Glad to have you with us.
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Old 07-08-2009, 06:37 AM
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Hi JensSis,

I haven't figured out how to post a link to a different forum, but there is a thread on the "Secular 12-step" forum about nar-anon/al-anon alternatives you might be interested in.

~Daisy
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Old 07-08-2009, 08:06 AM
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My AB had issues with going to NA because he doesnt really believe in God either. He explained this to one of his therapists and they told him that God could stand for anything. The example they gave to him was this....

Group
Of
Drunks

Basically God can be whatever you want it to be. Like someone had posted before me, just a "higher power."

I also have always done treatment one-on-one and am a bit apprehensive about group treatment. But if you arent comfortable you dont have to speak and maybe it will just be helpful to hear other peoples stories. Thats how Im going to approach it and if the day comes where I want to speak then I will.
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Old 07-08-2009, 11:08 AM
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I am an atheist with an AS. I went to a few NarAnon meetings.

They start out by going around the room taking turns reading the steps and a few other prepared statements. I read on my turn but I didn't get the higher power parts. If I would have, I would have just said "I'd rather not read, thanks." At the end, as a group, they all recited the serenity prayer together. I just stayed silent as that was the most comfortable for me.

Like you, I feel like turning something over to a higher power is like saying the responsibility is not mine and not in my control yet I feel it is. However, occasionally other people will say it and that is their belief so it didn't bother me. Besides, the person saying it was so visibly miserable that I figured whatever gave them some relief was okay with me as long as I wasn't preached to or told what to think or what to say... and I wasn't.

You never have to speak. Speaking is voluntary. The members take turns leading the meetings and the subject content is up to them. In my few meetings, it was not religious at all. In fact, at my first meeting, the man said that if you don't believe in a higher power then you can pretend that you do. Lol! That wouldn't work for me but I suspected he wasn't a believer either.

I didn't go back as my situation wasn't as bad as most there and it kind of made me depressed to see everyone so sad. That said, if my situation changes I would go back. The pros outweighed the cons. The part I liked best is that I was given a list of people who I could call anytime of the day or night.

What will it hurt to try? If you don't like it, you don't have to go a second time and if you do it might be very helpful for you.

KariSue
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Old 07-08-2009, 06:25 PM
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I don't think there is an organized religion around that accepts that Alanon (or any of the 12 step programs) as "religions".

A big thing is the religious aspect. I wouldn't say I'm athiest, maybe agnostic. I believe there's rhyme and reason to everything, that there are no accidents and that there is lessons to be learned in everything and that there is an overall path that we're supposed to follow, but the organized religion and God and Jesus or whatever else, I'm not sure I can get into believing that. I believe that there's something, but I don't know what and I don't really believe that it's one divine being. If the alanon steps are devoting myself to a higher power, I don't think that I can take it seriously. To me, saying that everything is in Gods hands is like saying that you don't have to accept responsibility for your own actions.
When I first started, I used the power of the program as my Higher Power... after all, if I can believe in the power of the program of Weight Watchers (which I joined 4 or 5 times, btw) based solely on the fact that they have helped millions of people over the years, I can certainly apply the same logic to a 12-step program.

For me, the spirituality of the program (FAR, far different from religion) is an essential piece... but I also believe no one NEEDS to define a Higher Power for it to work. Learning to Let Go is hhhhhhaaaaarrrrrddddddd. I am guessing 100% of the folks actually working an Alanon program have struggled with not being able to control their own destiny... have balked at giving up the reins... have dug in our heels at the idea of not being able to FIX something that is obviously broken.

But I try to think of my relationship with HP like the relationship between a baseball pitcher and his catcher. It doesn't matter if the guy behind the plate is God, Buddha, Jesus, Mohammed, Brahama, Great Spirit, Gaia, or the Great Green Spaghetti Monster.

It don't matter Who's catching, MY job is to pitch... for me, it is all about the "Letting Go".


It takes time and experience to realize that the universe will work most stuff out JUST FINE... if not BETTER without my input. A lot of time. Months and years. But I had to start somewhere and those first Alanon meetings was where I started...and Letting Go has brought to me a great sense of serenity that I did NOT have before I started... you know, back when I was powerful and in charge of stuff.

I wish you the best. ((hugs))
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Old 07-09-2009, 03:32 PM
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Thanks everyone. I think I will give it a try. After browsing a couple of teh forums here, I think that I am going to try to find a Adult Children of Alcoholic/Addict meeting. I think that's probably where most of my issues stem from, didn't even realize it until I started looking on these forums, then suddenly, so many things made sense.
Thanks everyone for being so great!
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Old 07-09-2009, 04:11 PM
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Hi. I don't know what to say about your husband. That sounds weird to me for him to say that to you. Is he by chance a user of substances too?

You sound so much like you are going thru everything I have gone thru! I'll just give you my perspective. "2 addicted parents and an addicted brother" sounds to me like there could be some things you can learn at Al-anon. I come from a long list of family members with addictions, alcoholism, etc and Al-anon helped me. You are right, you should go for yourself, not for anyone else. If you want to go once or twice with your sisinlaw just to show her that you support her in her recovery, that couldn't hurt, right? But only you can decide if it's right for you. I think Al-anon recommends that you try at least like 5 different meetings or something before deciding whether or not Al-anon is right for you (because each and every one is different, each group has its own dynamic and personality).

Regarding groups and sharing with other people, I agree with you! I much prefer this web site than going to a meeting and having to face people. I do not even go out really because I am a homebody and I don't like being in crowds of people (phobia or something). It makes me very nervous and I'd rather go to the library and get like 20 books on a topic and read about it instead of talk to people. But, for weeks when I first started to go to Al-anon, I NEVER SAID A WORD! I never even said my name. I was such a mess, all I would do was sit there during their meetings and cry. and people were so nice to me. I even stank from not taking a shower and they were still nice to me! You can just go and listen and never say anything or share anything. They won't mind and they won't try to make you feel uncomfortable about it.

For the religion thing, I was the exact same way! I started going to Al-anon in let's see, 1997? I think it was 1997 so about 12 years ago. I never in my life believed in God, nor a higher power. But I went to Al-anon and got a lot of benefit from going, despite this. The 12 steps include Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. My understanding at that time was that I didn't know whether or not there was a God. So I never really worked Steps 2 and 3, but that didn't mean that I didn't get help from going to the meetings, and it didn't mean that I didn't learn anything. I learned a lot! Now, here I am 12 years later, FINALLY even understanding Steps 2 and 3! When you're ready you'll be ready and no one there will try to force you to do or accept anything you're not ready for. there are very few requirements, and you're not required to work the steps or even believe the steps.

So to answer your questions directly:

I don't think you will fake it. You will understand what I mean if you go. I got over the religious part by just ignoring it and not judging others because they were getting it, or because they believed. You don't have to work all the steps, nor do you have to work them in order. I didn't find that any Al-anon meetings were religious. They are mostly held in church basements and meeting rooms, not because they're religious, but probably because churches probably don't charge much or let you use the room for free.

Other people may have had other experiences with Al-Anon, so I'm not telling you what to do or anything. I'm just sharing my experience, and it happens to just be a positive one. One negative thing that I can share is that it seemed to me that folks seemed to get stuck a lot. I personally, (I know now it's probably because I have A.D.D.-just got diagnosed two years ago :O) anyway, what I was saying was that I personally used the program and learned the program and went to meetings, all actively for like 2 years, and then I had to move on. I didn't need the personal interaction so much but I did continue to work my program. I moved on from there to go to college and then traveled to Europe on my own and then I got a really good job-what I'm saying is that Al-anon got me started on a path towards doing things I never even dreamed of doing. And those things helped me to build confidence in myself that I never had before. Al-Anon didn't become my life or my religion, it became a way of life and a way to realize things and see things I had never seen before.

It can't hurt for you to give it a try. Who knows, you may go and not like it. and that's OK.
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Old 07-10-2009, 03:09 PM
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FWIW, I have never been able to get over religion period. It just doesn't work for me. That being said I have found a mens alanon group that meets three times a week at a church in my town, and the people in there have made me so much happier and stronger. Our meetings involve a lot of cursing, but even more laughing and most of the guys have lunch afterwards and everyone (for the most part) is really happy to be there. Most people in the meeting talk about how the group itself is their HP. After spending time with this group I have come to the conclusion that a HP (in whatever form you want it to be) needs to be a part of the recovery process. It is not about "not taking responsibity" for your actions, its not about reading the bible or praying to god, it is about uderstanding that life happens on life's terms not yours. Like someone in the meeting said today. "My job is to enjoy the here and now, the journey......not the outcome."

I love all of you on here I haven't been around for a while, but I think about you all still. This site really helped me out when my life first exploded in an umanagable mess.
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Old 07-10-2009, 05:56 PM
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My opinion is:
You put so much of your thoughts and feelings into your post would it do any harm to go to a meeting? You can't knock something 'till you tried it.... I feel for so many reasons you should try a few meetings. You may like it, and if you don't then you have something to use as an example of why you don't like it then preconceived thoughts... oh PS, you don't have to say one word at these meetings, you can just listen and if for some reason should someone ask you to share you just tell them you are just here to listen and absorb and you may share next time. I have never been to a meeting where someone was made to share.
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