bearfeet

Hello Folks,

I haven't posted in ages, I have a new job which is lots better but doesn't have the same internet 'perks' as before so my time is restricted to after Baby Bearfeet's bedtime. Also I have been in contact with XA and avoiding truths if you will.

I hope you are all doing well and keeping happy, I've missed this place so very much.

Lots has happened. As I said new job, DD is running, climbing and learning lots of new words, can't believe she's not my baby anymore

He faced court for the Arson at my house (after missing the initial appearance through a heavy night previously) eventually and narrowly escaped prison. He pleaded guilty which meant that I didn't have to stand and got a 2 year suspended sentence, community service, probation & a fine etc. OK he can't put a finger wrong now or it's straight to prison and the judge absolutely condemmed him and his actions but did nothing like insist or even suggest he gets help for his alcohol problem. The judge also suggested he should 'buy me a bunch of flowers' that made me sick really, as a friend said 'what for? your grave?' I thought it was a total mockery of everyone who has ever lived with the effects of alcohol/violence in their home. So anyway a ticking off and a bit of a fright later and he's free.

My response to this all shocked me, just before it when he was technically 'on the run' so to speak he began telling me how much he loved me etc and he wanted help and for us to eventually have our family. I realised after the case was over that I had hoped quite dearly somewhere that I wanted him to go to prison, to remove him from my life and his access to alcohol, to give my Daughter and I a fighting chance so to speak and for him to be more likely to accept help.

Now many many of you will be used to this next scenario as I know, however if you remember any of my initial posts, I am not. Since he walked out on us 9 months ago to drink his Dad's money (which is now btw, drunk) he has been cold and unpleasant, avoiding me or telling me he doesn't love me when I begged, I posted many a thread in shock and disbelief that this could be true, but he convinced me it was along the way....... I am positive he wasn't with anyone else so that wasn't the reason it was purely and simply that for those 9 months with the very odd exceptioal day he drank without fail for 12 hours a day solid at the least and my attempts at a 'relationship' only made that more problematic (having to remember his daughter etc)

So I moved along at my own pace using the forum, info, co-dependant no more, counselling etc and finally felt the other week that I was starting to no longer care and genuinely, not like i've had to pretend for so long.

Then he drops this 'love' bombshell. He's still drinking and although has promised to address it hasn't, has no job etc etc. But when DD and I spent some sober time with him this weekend I couldn't help but feel the emotions I thought had gone, love for him and overwhelmed that after 9 long months of wanting it (rightly or wrongly) he just says and acts so affectionately.

I remember reading posts of this on here and in all honesty feeling almost jealous that my A didn't love me enough to even pretend. If he is being manipulative then he's hiding it well or has to be unaware that he is doing so. I don't understand it only that all the angst and sadness and worry is creeping back slowly day by day, that is the one thing i'm sure of.

Also during the time he has been apart his older daughter (16 yrs) and I have become very close as she and baby bearfeet are sisters really, she wouldn't entertain him for so long now cos of his drinking but I worked hard and we eventually all has dinner together, he actually cried he was so happy and thanked me for 'moving mountains' (then 5 hours later when he was drunk he hated me & I've ruined his life etc all apologies the next day)

Anyhows I don't know what writing on here will do but at least I'm not avoiding/hiding as I am a good bit from my long suffering family & friends atm.

I do love him I always have loved him, when he made himself unavailable I became obsessed by him, now he's available and affectionate again I feel intense dislike for myself for allowing to be dragged along again and towards him for the months and months of abandonment of both of us, the rejection and the hurt so I'm heading now to an even worse place than when I was craving his love but If I tried to even explain that he just seriuosly wouldn't comprehend. I can remember the awful stuff all too quickly but like this Sunday he cooked dinner whilst I had a snooze, tidyed up was so lovely and affectionate and we laughed and I was temporarily happy, who wouldn't want that from your Fathers Daughter and the man you love????

Sorry for the length this the first time in months I've let the truth out.

Hope you are all well anyway and hello to any newcomers I've not met, I will enjoy the next few hours now catching up with everyones news.

Lots of love.

BF XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

naive

hmmmm, bearfeat.

you be careful, lassie. i wouldn't re-engage unless he was in a rehab program. you know the ride already if he's drinking.

and he's still drinking. any talk of stopping?

naive

bearfeet

Lots of talk and not initiated by me for the 1st time, he has requested that his probation officer refer him to a community alcohol place but thats far from rehab, they don't suggest abstinence or anthing like that.

Also as time passes i'm sure the 'fright' will wear off and he'll decide that actually his behaviour was quite normal in the circumstances.

It was easier when he didn't care, now he's offering me all I ever wanted for the last 5 years but not having to DO anything about it.

I beleive he means it when he sayes it truly but as soon as he gets to the pub it's as soon as forgotten.

I'm mad with myself really for not gathering more strength when I had the chance because I know now I'm going to have great difficulty giving up the only thing I've thought about for so long.

I love him and can't stop it and here's a line you'll have not heard before (joke) when he's sober he is a wonderful person, partner and Father.

I just didn't want that 'wonderful' image projecting now, I'm not nearly strong enough to resist even in the knowledge of what is due to happen again....


x

xxxxx

laurie6781

Bearfeet, I am not going to ask "and you want to get back on the Roller Coaster ride to h*ll why?"

Instead, I would like to suggest that you look at your daughter. Do you want her to have the h*ll that his 16 yr old daughter has gone through? Do you want someone who has exhibited the traits he has (and there are no guarantees that even if he finds recovery that he will change) to be around your daughter, teaching your daughter by his actions or lack of actions?

Maybe, just for now (the next year or so), until you can get a better grip on your own self, stay away FOR YOUR DAUGHTER.

Doesn't sound to me as if he has changed at all. Just the "same old same old" manipulation and QUACKING.

Please for you and your daughter, THINK very very hard about this.

Please also keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

naive

bearfeet-

don't pay attention to what he says, pay attention to what he does: he's still drinking.

i feel it would be good for you to determine what your boundaries are. and quickly!

naive

Pelican

Hi Bearfeet,
It's nice to see you again. Thanks for the update on your life and dd, and I appreciate your honesty about where you are at emotionally.

I agree with naive and Laurie. If he is not actively working a program of recovery, you will be getting back onto the roller coaster and putting your daughter on the ride also.

I did want to comment on the judge's remark. I believe it was inappropriate and showed a lack of compassion for you. However, it also may indicate your judge has experience with active alcoholism and may be in denial of it's consequences. Here's why I think that.....I recently divorced my AH. During the process I was having a discussion with my attorney about alcoholism and it's effects on the family. I told him I was in Al Anon and he wanted to know how that worked. He seemed supportive and encourged me in my settlement requests.

I asked my attorney if I would need to prove active alcoholism. Would my STBX contest the divorce, or the charges of "habitual intoxication", would the judge understand how destructive alcoholism is to the marriage, home and relationship and rule in my favor? He assured me that most of the judges and attorneys have a first hand knowledge of alcoholism. As my case was coming to a close, and as I was working my last days at my job, and as I was 5 days away from moving to another city; I got the distinct impression that my attorney had first hand knowledge of alcoholism as was concerned that I was asking too much of my estranged husband. Believe me, it was with angels on my shoulders that I calmly restated my desires for finalizing my divorce as directed without further delay. Because my attorney went so far as to call my estranged husband (who had no attorney) and ask him, in front of me, if it was okay with him that we request x, y and z as amends for the financial disaster I was left with. WTF??? I wanted to dive across that table and throttle him with my bare hands. Somehow, I calmly stated my desire again. Got up, and drove myself back to work. I screamed and punched the seats on my way back to work and realized that my attorney was favoring my AH and wanted me to ease up on him because he made some financial mistakes, eh? Absolutely frustrating!

I am very thankful for my Al Anon program, SR and my HP for getting me through. Keep us posted on your progress!

bearfeet

Thank you all, it's so good to hear your wise words ans experience again. Pelican, I'm so sorry you were lead through that, it sounds harsh. I do look at my beautiful, perfect Daughter, I dread that rollercoster more than you all know too. I just can't stop believing that it'll be different for me even though ALL my logic screams differently. I've stopped entirely wanting things for myself anymore now, it's so much easier that way.

Thank you again, you are all my true rocks.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Jadmack25

((I've stopped entirely wanting things for myself anymore now, it's so much easier that way.))

Hi Bearfeet, good to hear from you again.....BUT......the quote from your last post really does worry me a lot. Does this mean you are so involved and busy with DD and XA, and don't have the energy or time for yourself, or you feel there could be problems if you do anything for yourself?

Either of these reasons are not happy making feelings for anyone.

I went on a showground rollercoaster twice, many years ago, and vomited both times while on it. I learned that I and my stomach were NOT happy on rollercoasters, so I have not gone on that ride again.

You know how terrible your ride with XA has been, and how it so badly hurt you.... so please, think it all over very carefully before you step back onto that same ride.

God bless you and DD

Mair

I agree with Jadmack, please be carefull. A real love is out there waiting for you, addicts cannot love you 100% you need and deserve 100% love. I jumped off my rollercoaster 18 months ago and life is good for me and my kids. Trust your instincts and take those rose tinted glasses off.

nice to hear from you again

Gill