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The Blame Game

Old 06-30-2009, 05:59 PM
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The Blame Game

Ok...it has been nearly 3 weeks since I joined here, knowing I was near the end of my rope when I started. My AH stopped drinking for about 10 days, I think knowing that I couldn't take much more. However, I gave in to his ways of making me feel guilty and somehow convinced myself that drinking a few beers was ok. This hasn't caused any problems yet, but I am not holding my breath. Here is the real issue. We spend today at his parents, and had a nice day. Actually things are so much more "normal" now that his drinking isn't an issue - no arguing, yelling, name calling etc. Anyway...his parents know what happened. They are very supportive of me. On our way home, they called him and said something about wanting to pray over us...they are very religous. This made him very angry. He blamed me because they knew...blamed me because my family knew...blamed me for goodness only knows what else. He explained how I don't support him, how I am threatening him by saying if it goes back to the way it was I won't do it again. I stood up for myself by saying that if he hadn't been drinking then none of this would have been an issue - however he is just ANGRY and blaming me. One minute he can be loving and understanding and the next he is ANGRY. He believe I am controling him. There are times he tells me to "get out" if I am going to threaten him, he says I never meant what I said when we were married if I say I would leave, I feel like he is on the verge of trying to make excuses of why he should be able to drink whever he wants without consequence. I almost feel like he wants me to leave, because he says it so much, so he can go back to drinking. I really have been focusing on me and am feeling SO much better....but his behaviors confuse me, and make me question what he is doing? Isn't part of admitting you have a problem, accepting that you own it? As always thanks for your support, and any thoughts are always appreciated.
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Old 06-30-2009, 06:18 PM
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N

I know how scary this is. But he is testing you. He is seeing if you will waffle on his drinking. Please don't!

My XABF also did all of these things. Actually it's scary how similar it is. He blamed me for involving his family and mine. He blamed me for turning his family against him (when all they wanted to do was help him) He blamed me for "controlling" him. He told me that I didn't really love "all" of him because I didn't accept his drinking. He told me I kept giving him reasons to not marry me because I couldn't accept his drinking. Most of these were desperation moves. He had already been through "quitting" twice and starting back up reguardless of my feelings. When I finally put my foot down, this was all he had left to do. He was trying to break me down and blame ME!

If he doesn't stop drinking, it's time to focus on yourself. It doesn't sound like he wants to quit. You can't make him quit for you. Even if it means you have to separate for awhile, you can't ever let him think that you are ok with the way he is treating you.

I was terrified that mine wanted me to leave as well. And I can tell you that when I did leave, I was devastated. He was acting like he didn't care. He was out getting drunk and doing what he wanted. But every now and then he would reveal to me how much he was hurting. Don't let him fool you into thinking he wants you to leave. It's just at the moment, the alcohol is more important. Sad to say, but yes, to him it is. Quite a few members on this board told me that very bluntly. It took that for me to see the light.

There is hope though. I have been through hell for almost 3 weeks now. But I'm finally getting better and seeing that I have to live my life for my son and I. I'm living for myself right now! I'm not worried about him! It feels great. Just try and keep that in sight.

Keep posting, keep loving yourself, and things ALWAYS get better if you MAKE them!
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Old 06-30-2009, 06:24 PM
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I was told this here many times over the past year, and in hindsight see it is true....."Just because he quit drinking does not mean he is in recovery". My STBXAH would do the same thing. He'd usually make it a couple weeks, things would seem relatively "normal", then all hell would break loose.

He still has a problem with the fact that I went through with the divorce because he quit drinking (it's been 2 1/2 months for him). Other people had an issue with it too. If I had not done so much work on myself through Alanon, counseling, and picking peoples brains here, I probably would have changed my mind......or filed for a divorce for all the wrong reasons to begin with. You see, i did not file for a divorce to get hom to stop drinking. I did it because I was done living the way we were, and done taking a chance that I could ever return to that way of living should he relapse.

I'm not by any means saying divorce is the route you should take. It was what I had to do to save myself. What I think is most important is that you make choices based on what you need to do get healthy and have a sane life. Take some time to figure out what brings you peace and joy, then set out to get it.
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Old 06-30-2009, 06:29 PM
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I know how brilliant 'just normal' can be and I also know just how fragile it feels.

I think you are doing brilliantly just by questioning the situation, no advice because I'm rubbish at that, but lots and lots of hugs and thoughts.

xxx
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Old 06-30-2009, 09:25 PM
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His behaviors are classic alcoholic behaviors ... and they are some of the most hurtful. When I look back over the many years, the times I felt the most emotional anguish... was when I had hopes that my AH was on the rode to recovery, being nice, changing his attitude ... and then suddenly turn hateful and cruel with no real provocation.

Newly sober alcoholics can be very challenging ... they still have deep struggles fighting their desire to drink again. The physical and emotional adjustment to sobriety can take months. If you have ever heard the term "dry drunk" it would explain some of these mood swings. Still behaving like an alcoholic without the alcohol. Also, I witnessed many times in my life with both my alcoholic father and husband ... a sudden dark hateful mood emerge for seemingly no reason. It seemed like they were trying to provoke a fight over any small thing ... trying to be a mean and hurtful as possible. In every case it was a situation of them desperately wanting to drink, resenting the person they feel is keeping them from their one true pleasure - alcohol ... and hoping to provoke a fight in order to rationalize feeling sorry for themselves ... thus they could have an "excuse" to start drinking again. When my AH was finally serious about recovery, it was during these moments when he would go to AA meetings for the insight and support he needed. When he wasn't serious about recovery, he would just start drinking again, placing blame others as an attempt to justify his self destructive choices.

Sometimes it helps to know that this is all part of the manipulative addiction game ... and by not reacting, you are not providing him with the fabricated excuse to drink he was looking for. Once you understand the motives, it hurts less, gets easier walk away and not get drawn into the mind games. Some type of recovery program may be the only choice for someone like this to overcome these moments. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to be on the receiving end of this kind of behavior.

One of the best things about alcoholism I ever learned was ...there are no true reasons to drink ... only excuses.
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Old 06-30-2009, 09:56 PM
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
I gave in to his ways of making me feel guilty and somehow convinced myself that drinking a few beers was ok.
Perhaps you should examine this statement from the perspective of your allowing him to make you feel guilty rather than him having the power to make you feel guilty. You have no power to control his drinking; conversely, he has no power over your emotions.

Originally Posted by mentalltyexh View Post
There are times he tells me to "get out" if I am going to threaten him, I feel like he is on the verge of trying to make excuses of why he should be able to drink whever he wants without consequence.
I went through this myself. And I took my ex up on his offer. I got out. Your AH is not on the verge of making excuses to drink. He has already spoken more than enough about all the excuses he needs to drink - and he's brainwashing you into believing the b.s. he's shoveling.


Originally Posted by mentallylexh View Post
his behaviors confuse me, and make me question what he is doing? Isn't part of admitting you have a problem, accepting that you own it?
Why are you focused on figuring out what he's doing and saying? He doesn't wish to admit to his addiction because he doesn't want to do anything about it. He doesn't own it right now; in fact, he's done a good job of getting you to believe you own it.

I used to ask someone on this board quite frequently, "Why does my AH say this then do that?" "What is he talking about?" "What does he really mean?"

I was told, quite bluntly (thank goodness!) that you can't make sense out of nonsense. The only thing it does it make you crazy and take the focus off your own problems.

I'd highly suggest you get into Al-Anon and/or counseling and keep posting here. This self-defeating dance will be perpetuated ad nauseum if SOMEBODY doesn't get help. You really sound like you are in a far better place to get help than your AH. Detachment is difficult, but I think you owe yourself the peace of mind.
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Old 07-01-2009, 05:26 AM
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It does seem that he was trying to provoke a fight over anything....and I did almost take the bait, but one thing I decided is no more arguing, no more of me getting involved in this useless rage. I was proud of myself last night.....he later was mad I was "playing" on the computer and I said I was looking up some stuff. HE said what about alcohol and your husband, maybe you should look up infidelity and your wife! This made me very angry - 1st because I have never done anything - 2nd when I approached him he said well maybe you haven't but you're just one step away, I don't know who you are talking to or what you are doing - This made me really mad, but I just walked away. I know the truth....I just hate that type of cruel behavior.
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Old 07-01-2009, 06:06 AM
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Today's Reading~"The Language of Letting Go"

July 1-Melody Beattie's "The Language of Letting Go" reads:

Here is an exercise.

Today let someone give to you. Let someone do something nice for you. Let someone give you a compliment or tell you something good about yourself. Let someone help you.

Then, stand there and take it. Take it in. Feel it. Know that you are worthy and deserving. do not apologize. Do not say "You shouldn't have." Do not feel guilty, afraid, ashamed, and panicky. Do not immediately try to give something back.

Just say, "Thank you."

Today I will let myself receive one thing from someone else, and I will let myself be comfortable with that.



Don't think it needs any commentary from me. Thought someone else might need this today as much as I did.
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Old 07-01-2009, 06:08 AM
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Oops!!! Meant to start a new thread.....can someone more techno-gifted than me do that?
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