TakingCharge999

So on TC's coaster its time for anger it seems

I was wondering what helped you through your anger stages

I do some exercise, journal and burn the papers... but it seems I have so much anger inside any "outside event" as stupid as it is triggers it all and I just want to cry!!

8 months and I feel the same way about the same events that have nothing to do with me... so I am probably missing something and I do not want to keep feeling like this

The therapist just said "see the wonderful things in your life, you are OK, you need to forgive your ex" but I still think I have so much anger towards him and the past.

I read depression are "little angers" forming a thread... all those little, the tiniest angers you do not even mention.... that makes a lot of sense to me.

I have never EVER shown anger so I am tackling something HUGE and I feel so defeated, ARGHHHHHHHHH there does not seem to be an end!!

What has helped you tackle/overcome anger? I can distract myself out of it but I do not think that's the point

isurvived

Ha, ha... venting our anger is a good thing. Better to let it out rather than keeping it in.

Last Fall, I took a big pumpkin over to the edge of the woods, walked back about 30 ft. from it and proceeded to shoot it with my son's squirrel hunting gun. Do you know WHO that pumpkin was? Wow, did that feel good!

ItsmeAlice

I recently went through an anger phase that one day brought me to my knees sobbing and pounding my fists to the floor over something catatrosphically stupid. Looking back on the incident, I needed that tantrum not because the dishwasher breaking down was the greatest horror I have had to endure in the last decade, but because my anger and frustration had boiled over and it was time to dump it. The dishwasher was just the trigger it was waiting for.

It seems to me you've been so angry for so long your body has become accustomed to that state of being. It's the go-to emotion for anything that happens in your life and you have to talk yourself into something that is good for you or something to smile about.

Maybe some anger management techniques are in order. Something specifically geared towards breaking up the anger and releasing it in a controlled environment. And I don't mean venting. Venting is a safety measure to avoid overflow. You need a flush to the system.

I'm not versed in the area beyond physical exercises. Breaking glass, punching pillows etc. I took a self-defense course once and took on a padded attacker for an hour with instruction and coaching to tap into my emotions to really get aggressive. It was amazingly cleansing and confidence building at the same time. Oh, and it was free at the local community center.

Don't bottle it unless it gets rid of wrinkles, right? If it does, I'll take a case of it to go.

Alice

MissFixit

TC,

Have you thought about traveling? Change of scenery type thing. What about changing towns, apartments, jobs. I know that YOU don't have to or need to change, but maybe it would be fun and get you out of the place you were with ex.

Miss

isurvived

Taking up a new hobby, or increasing your participation in one you enjoy is also good for defusing anger. I use to oil paint a lot, and took that up again. It is something I can really concentrate on - and it takes me away to another place.

Gardening (or weeding) is also something that works for me.

When my AH was still here, I'd vent my anger with ironing, or I'd go out to the barn and clean. Working the pitchfork really helped me vent. I did some of my best thinking while I was scooping horse manure!!!!!!!!!!

Just so you know... I don't make a habit of intentionally shooting pumpkins! LOL

Wascally Wabbit

Well, about 10 years ago, I was mad. I couldn't get over it. Living in turmoil and hating life. I was pretty depressed. And yes, depression is anger that you turn on yourself.
Karate was my life saver. I loved it, and found that if you have something to look forward to, that you like doing, you get over anger and depression a lot faster.

I have to say that I got as far as a yellow belt. I learned just enough to hurt myself. But, dang, it gave me a ton of self esteem while I was in it!!

Maybe you like to paint, draw, photograph.
Join a class! It's something to look forward to. I keep saying that. I believe that when you're depressed it's because you feel like you have nothing to look forward to.
Create for yourself something to look forward to.

Daisy30

Anger was a tricky one for me...until someone told me that

"Anger is just me fighting acceptace of something" That really helped. So everytime this emotion came up, I had to ask myself "what is it about this situation that I am refusing to accept?"

I can usually come up with and answer, and "poof" the anger is gone (if I am willing to accept).

(((())))

ETA: Example:

I used to get angry when AH would come home drunk.

What I had to accept, AH is an alcoholic. It is unrealistic for me to expect an Alcoholic not to drink.

That was a big one. there are lots of little ones too

TakingCharge999

Tryingtosurvive: squirrel hunting? noooo... I love squirrels !

Thanks for all the suggestions, unfortunately right now I am short of $$ ... but I will take note, I already saw karate lessons from 9 to 10 pm and I can go walking.. and I noticed my drawing lessons are too costly when they do not tell me anything new! so next month I will be paying for some karate, I used to do it and I remember how wonderful I felt!!

I also bought some soft pastels and plan to draw how I feel (should have bought only black pastels!!!!!!!)

So my stomach was really turning, I arrived home and put my old, all-time MEGADETH and PANTERA songs (yes I am stuck in the 90s) and proceeded to hit the bed with a pillow... man is it tiring!!!!!! I also hit a "puffy" piece of furniture, I forgot its name in English... er... you put it on the back of the bed, kind of to "decorate", next to where the pillows are... LOL least to say it was great hitting something and I plan to do it again....

I will be adding more thoughts, just wanted to thank you all

Seren

Good luck, TC!!! I think the piece of furniture you mean is the "headboard" (and the other piece at the end of the bed where your feet go is the "footboard").

Hugs hugs.....keep on wacking!!! HG

TakingCharge999

hydrogirl: thanks! there is a headboard with white "cushioned boxes" that spans a complete wall... very appropiate.. I am just missing the other 3 headboards to recreate the crazy ward LOL

Well today I was going to grab tea (lemon tea was recommended to me as my stomach is resenting all this drama of course) and I heared xabfs voice... and once again I'm like

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think today I will go running after work, I am already angry and its not even 10 AM here!

MissFixIt: Thank you... I have a trip planned in 2 weeks so there will be 10 beautiful days with my sis and mom... its been 5 months since I do not see my mom and 8 since I do not see my sister so I am looking forward to hugging them and telling them its been hard

I am planning a trip to a small town called Guanajuato with the new guy, an UNESCO world heritage town so thank you for reminding me there is Life out there! That will be on Sept... long shot but still something I look forward to

Daisy: oh I think what I cannot accept is the fact xabf has been happy all this time and does not give a damn at all about me overhearing his stupid stories. It seems he does not even remember I work in the same place. I envy his capacity of "living in the moment" but then if you have your bottle to wipe anything uncomfortable, what's the worry?


Yesterday I chatted with someone in SR and he told me "for me it would be really easy to move on from someone like that". And I guess, why can't I be one of those girls with high self esteem that can say "f*ck him, he is totally worthless" and move on?????

TakingCharge999

Well at least I am FINALLY starting to get angry... I hope it helps me move forward, at least its something different than the sadness, which makes me feel so vulnerable!!

The "acceptance" and "indifference" stage is something that seems so impossible now.


I have been honest with new guy, well he does not know I work with xabf and I don't see a point on telling him... but he knows I am still mourning something and he is OK with that... he told me he also has some feelings regarding his ex (over 2.5 years ago) and he was heartbroken (now someone that actually takes TIME to FEEL a loss) and for him I am very special and give him hope and motivation for his life.

He also said he knows I am usually sad, yesterday I told him I am angry and we are going to play some videogames, he promised to win a plush toy for me!! So I am totally looking forward to that...

So yesterday

- I was feeling great for the most part
- Then I felt totally angry with my stomach turning and hit and cursed
- Half an hour later I was smiling, hugging the guy and cooking with chill out music (I love that)
- Then I was.. er... well, feeling passion and lust!
- Then after he left I got sad (??) and drew some stuff, cried a little


Talk about

New guy also said he would help me be more stable... and I was like... stable? what does that word mean? what are you talking about?? LOL

He is a great person after all.. remember my struggles with him? after I mentioned my boundaries again he has been very very respectful... I think he "got it" and I like this relation because I do not feel constantly menaced, I feel loved "as is" without anything extra and I do not distract myself that much with him, in my life he is like 15% and motivates me to make an effort on my other 85%.

Now instead of working I will take 10 min. to write what I feel about xabf... hope all these activities help, it feels as if I flush anger one day and the next one I am full of it again!!

Daisy30

Wow! its sounds like you are going through a lot.

I know you said acceptance is something you can't do right now. But I would try, each and every time that angry feeling comes up.

ie. Say XABF is laughing and joking at work. You feel angry. Think about it. What is making you angry? Is it that he is living his life w/o consequenses? Remember he is allowed to be happy too. Also, he may appear to be happy on the outside, but if he is still turning to the bottle, chances are that he is hurting on the inside. Keeping thoughts like these in my head always seem to minimize my anger.

If you feel like you are obsessing over him or such. I would allow yourself a small time each day to think about it or be angry about it (like 30 minutes). After that do not allow yourself to think about it until the next day. Slowly reduce the time you are having these thoughts (take 10 minutes off every couple of days). Pretty soon you will no longer be thinking about him.

It is very freeing to let go of the anger. That way "they" no longer have a hold on you
(((()))) hang in there!!

TakingCharge999

Thanks for the tips Daisy. I no longer obsess about him in my life, only when I run into him or overhear him, sometimes when I feel stronger.. I do not care at all and think about my life and my progress... and all that was not good to me, etc. but lately its really getting to me!! its true it all comes in waves.

I will do those exercises!



I discovered things about my own quacking, I never loved him or love him now, there is some sick relationship but of course not love.

Today I will go out running even if it rains, I am determined..

TakingCharge999

anvilhead

freya

Personally, I've found that screaming in the car is a good way to deal with it (more on this below)....at least until such time as it doesn't feel quite so overwhelming to you and/or you have some better tools for dealing with it in other ways.

Unfortunately, a lot of women in our culture have received the message that it's not OK for them to be angry -- so, since anger is a natural and healthy response to certain situations and everyone does feel it to some extent, they very often deny and repress it. Then when things happen that bring it suddenly to the surface, it often explodes in ways that are inappropriate for or way-out-of-proportion to the actual events currently at hand....which, in turn, often leads them to try harder to repress it..and so, the circle goes...

If you've just started to get in touch with/work on your anger and a lot of that old, inappropriate-to-the-current-situation feeling seems to be "spilling out all over the place," having some "safe" ways to let it out (like screaming in the car!) and allowing yourself to do so without condemnation is probably a really healthy thing.

For me, at this point, anger is just a feeling like any other feeling. The important thing is to understand what the feeling is telling me and then to do what -- if anything -- I need to do about that in a healthy way that both takes care of me and that doesn't make me feel ashamed -- or put me in the position of having to make an amend.

I've found that when I'm feeling angry it's because there is something going on that is not OK with me -- maybe behavior that is inappropriate, or unacceptable, or disrespectful, or dangerous, or whatever. The anger is telling me to pay attention to whatever is not OK and to do what I need to do to take care of myself in that situation (i.e. to do what I need to do to make it OK/safe for me.)

I don't find it helpful to be afraid of or feel ashamed of or embarrassed about my feelings -- including anger. I just need to feel it, get the info it's giving me, and take appropriate action for self-care. If I don't feel the feeling and follow the process all the way through to the appropriate self-care part, then several different things -- none of them healthy or good -- can happen:

1) If I act rashly out of the angry place (without thinking it through), then, the chances are that I am going to act in a way that I'm not going to feel good about or proud of later on. There is also a really good chance that whatever I do is not really going to result in good self-care and may even make the situation worse.

2) If I squash the anger and refuse to feel it, it gets buried inside and gets all ugly and distorted and dangerous, until, finally it explodes -- usually totally inappropriately and sometimes even at people or situations that have nothing at all to do with what the original anger was about.

3) If I feel it but don't work through what it's about and what I need to do, but, instead, just ruminate on it and on how I'm so victimized and my misery is someone else's (or everyone else's) fault, then I find myself nursing a huge resentment -- and, like they say, harboring a resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for your enemy to die. And when I'm in that place, I'm basically emotionally disabled through no one's fault but my own.

So, for me the only healthy way through a feeling is to feel it, identify what it's telling me, and take the appropriate self-care action to which the feeling is trying to direct my attention.

Now, I make that sound so easy, right??? But, before I was able to access my program tools as well and as quickly as I am now, I did have a couple of stop-gap measures to help me deal with anger without embarrassing myself or unnecessarily hurting myself or anyone else. The first was to scream as loud as I could into a big pillow or in the car where no one could hear or see me. (This sometimes actually had the added benefit of making me so hoarse that I couldn't possibly scream at another human being!) Also, if the anger is directed at a particular individual, I have been known in the past to take it out on a bunch of chunk chocolate (big pieces that you get at a chocolate factory) with an ice-pick, Basic-Instinct-style. (I've also been known to provide the items needed for this little exercise to friends, and have never gotten a negative report on its success....Of course, consuming some of the chocolate afterward is always a nice pick-me-up, too!) And, as a last resort, I have to say that I've had excellent results with taking a bunch of old glass bottles and smashing them as hard as I could against the garage wall. Yep, there's something very therapeutic about the sound of all that breaking glass!

freya

MeHandle

When I received forgiveness from God and understood how much I was loved, (unconditionally)then I was able to forgive myself. So then I did that. Then I was able to forgive others. Didn't mean I didn't get angry, however I became slow to anger, better at placing if I should really feel anger, and was able to react in a healthy way when i felt it.

Luke 7:47
Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."

Those who have been forgiven much, love much.( I know that I don't even know the depths of which I have been forgiven. I know i am even more of a sinner then that which I recognize.)

So basically I remember my sin and therefore can look upon someone else and remember i am a sinner too. I can love them and not hold resentment and stew in anger. Loving someone doesn't mean that they aren't wrong or that there aren't consequences, like anger. example: A loving parent disciplines a child they love. A lack of healthy discipline shows a lack of love. A loving parent wants the best for their child and does not what to see them suffer. However, sometimes they must issue discipline. However, that discipline is for the point of building up, not tearing down. The same is true when we aim anger at ourselves.



*** Now, when I have reacted badly in my anger, and believe me I have, I forgive myself, make an amends (ask for forgiveness) quickly when it involved action towards another. When someone is guilty of harming me, I choose to forgive them whether they ask for it or not. I just know that sadly the relationship will not be reconciled fully or sometimes not at all if only one party is treating the other how they would want to be treated. I have to either except them for who they are with love and not hold a resentment, even if they don't value me OR release them in love because I would hold anger towards them and myself if I continued to live with a relationship where I could not accept that the person didn't value me. Anotherwords I am honest with myself that i just cannot continue to love this person unconditionally while in a relationship with them. ( I ain't God.)

So that is how I deal with anger. My AH will testify too it.:-) However, he now asks me why i am so angry at him. He views detachment and me divorcing him as reactions in anger. ( just too note: I have started elder proceedings in making a case for why I must divorce him. A route I must take as we are both Christians. And again, a hope he will pic his bottom and accept the hand that is reaching out to help him. So far his reaction has been avoidence, which makes my case very easy to prove.)

love tammy

MeHandle

I really like what Freya says about the bottle breaking and the screaming!!! :-) I view it as a tension releaser or a physical release, a getting it out thing. I relate to this as I get the kind of angry( when someone really pisses me off) where I would like to physically just punch the person. It's like I have a blast of energy I have to get out. Since physically punching someone is not healthy or right, that would be to react with and/or in anger. So I really like the idea of both her physical releases. They involve me and God, and I am choosing to release my anger instead of beat somebody, which is healthy and wise. When I am just pissed off I go for a brisk walk/run and tell God how angry I am. When i get this kind of angry usually i am good to go after i release the physical energy and God starts to work on my heart - on the return walk home. Hmmm... when i get this kind of angry it is more extreme in how I feel yet it also is released extremely fast.

People who read this and don't relate to getting this kind of angry that demands a physical release of energy, well, is just like any other kind of anger, its what you do with it. It isn't wrong to think " I could just put them through the wall" <----- that's called 'temptation'.:-) I mention this as I have talked to a both men and women who have told me they don't relate to this kind of anger and were actually surprised.

2 thank you-s to Freya. If and when I am ever this kind of angry again and I am going to myself," This walk/run just is not cutting it" I am going to go frizbe my plates in a safe place against a brick wall. I need a new set anyway. And i promise to clean up the mess after i exhaust the anger. Hmmm... I better bring the saucer and the tea cup plates too.... probably the tea cups too! This beings up the direct point TC999 that it is a good idea to have a plan, along with the tools, so you know ahead of time how you can deal with certain kinds of anger. I will be giving a smile out to Freya at some point during this process, probably after at least 15 plates. Thanks for the reminder Freya!

love tammy

TakingCharge999

Thanks a lot for so much food for thought....

Well, today the same event repeated and guess what... I DID NOT GIVE A DAMN... I thought "why would I care about what a verbally abusive, active AH thinks or does, I AM THE BEST!! for leaving early and not sticking for a minute more"

So I guess that angry attitude is better than saying "how could he change so much, I loved him yadda yadda"

Thanks for the tip on the chocolate and ice picker, I will do it!! And I laughed out loud A LOT at the "consuming some of the chocolate" part... excellent advice!

Breaking bottles and plates seems great too, but I do not know where I can do it that is safe...


Some questions to myself

- What is REALLY making me angry when this particular event happens?
- Who am I really angry with? Make a list and all the reasons for your anger with as much detail as possible.
- Which assumptions I am making that hurt me and may not be true?
- Why does it matter to me if someone else misses me or not? How does that affect me if that person is out of my life and will stay that way?
- What makes ME laugh? When was the last time I really laughed as I used to?
- Why don't I allow myself to feel joy?
- What prevents me from finding joy in my life?
- What are the benefits of being resentful? What am I gaining?
- What would I lose if I let go?

I am re reading the full thread again.. thank you all for your insights, much appreciated!

TakingCharge999

Im finding it sooo difficult to let go of my anger... today XABF has been talking with his clan all morning... I was able to climb the stairs and do things away from my desk but I really got to work..

UGH, I forgot my headphones at home!!

So this is my action plan...

- write all the things i wish happen to XABF then burn the paper at home
- BRING my headphones and ear plugs at lunch hour
- BRING pants so I can go to karate tonight from 8 to 9 ...my first class of that karate style..

I feel so bad with myself for not being totally indifferent and careless when someone disregarded me for more than a year ago.

I passed without acknowledging their existence and they were talking about how many beers each one can drink a night.

I see nothing has changed in him and not in me either. DAMN!!! I feel so angry again.

Angry at me for being an idiot and fall in love with someone like that.
I am trying to listen and know its ok if he laughs its ok if he drinks and its ok if he forgot me. Its ok he is away. But I STILL want to kick him so hard. Doesnt he have WORK to do???

The funniest thing is that he earns much more than me and seldom does anything while I live for work and earn much less LOL.



Ah the triggers, well its just for another hour, then I go home for my earplugs and I wont hear quacking again ever....

Just soooooo angry he skated and is still skating.... Oh I forgot he's drinking as usual, maybe he's drunk now as well....

Wow, they dont truly give a damn dont they. They truly have no idea how much one is hurt with their drunken stupors, words and acts. NO idea.

PS He finally left to go to his place, great now I can BREATHE and try to regain my peace...

TakingCharge999

I have been trying to get to that free karate class but been afraid of it because I know I will LOVE to go (mon, tue, fri) and I know those are expensive. But I'm willing to stop eating just to be able to kick and punch something. Anything. BF told me I should focus on dancing only but thats TUE , THU and SAT so I told him I can DANCE and I can DO KARATE and be good at my work and decorate the apartment AND play with my cats and do whatever


Ok I feel better...drinking, totally oblivious about anything else, that I'm obviously LISTENING, that EVERYONE AROUND is trying to work but he's very distracting, yup that is why I left. Thanks XBF for proving me right..