Detachment Failure
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Detachment Failure
It is amazing how an alcoholic can disrupt our lives, even when we think we are detached...
Posted many times about by AS. For the past few months, since last episode and her supposed sobriety, I’ve detached, not seeing her, not talking to her (except when calling Mom and she answered the phone, oh yeah, she is 42 and still living with Mom). In conversations with Mom, according to her, she has been sober, doing great, working a lot, blah, blah, blah. For me, good enough news, since I had decided to detach in order to have peace in my life.
Yesterday, my period of detachment came to a quick end. Received call from my oldest daughter that she was taking my 5 year old granddaughter to my Mom’s house so she could play with neighbors granddaughter, who is the same age. I usually pick up granddaughter on Monday’s to hang out for a while, then I take her to swimming lessons. I said that was fine, I would go pick her up in time for swimming lessons. A few minutes later, I call my Mom to let her know that I will pick up granddaughter at 5:30, but AS picks up phone. As soon as the first word came out of her mouth, I knew she was drunk! I’ve had a few brief conversations over past few months (“hi, Mom there, how you doing, etc.”) and she sounded fine. She said Mom wasn’t there and she knew granddaughter was coming over and that she would watch her! Yikes, I hang up immediately on her (gee, that’s a first) and call back daughter to tell her NOT to leave granddaughter alone with AS. My daughter informs me that she could tell her Aunt was drunk and planned on staying there till my Mom got home from her volunteer work. She then mentioned that this wasn’t the first time she has been drunk in the past few months (since Mom got back from England and sister was on 1 month binge that made others seem mild), she didn’t want to upset me by telling me.
Now, my only concern at this point is my granddaughter! I know my Mom loves her and would never do anything to harm her, but she has mentioned over the past few months how she has had AS watch granddaughter while she ran errands, or that AS took her to park down the street. Well, thinking that she was sober according to Mom (“oh, she is doing wonderful, she is working a lot of hours, is watching her diet for diabetes, looks great”), I didn’t really look too much into this.
Now, I’m infuriated! My daughter said that my sister could barely stand yesterday. When Mom got home, they were talking in back yard, AS is basically stumbling around, talking nonsense, and Mom acts like nothing is wrong. I don’t want to drive a wedge between my Mom and me, we are very close, but the wedge has come up multiple times because of my concerns about sister and Mom’s choosing to ignore it for the most part. She is very involved with Al-Anon, but come on, how can you not see this, or she is ignoring, or just following mantra of she can’t control it, cure it, etc.
I’m having it out with her tonight that she is NOT to leave granddaughter with sister alone, ever again! My daughter is afraid of upsetting her grandmother and wants me to talk to her first. I’m not looking forward to this conversation, but it needs to get done and will tonight after work. At this point, I really don’t care what my sister does with her life, I know I can’t fix her problem. When it comes to my granddaughter, if it comes down to causing a rift between my Mom and me, I’ll learn to live with that pain, but my granddaughter will not be hurt by an alcoholic!!!
I just had to get this off my chest, thanks for listening. I’ve accepted my sister for who she is and that she will probably never accept the fact that she is an alcoholic. I’ve also accepted the fact that my Mom doesn’t want to believe her daughter is drinking, she is trying to find the good in her. I think sometimes she stays so busy with her volunteer actives (she is 73 and retired) to not have to be around sister too much. Her threats of throwing her out if she drinks again will never happen, these idle threats go through one ear and out the other with AS. Sister will never hit rock bottom when she pretty much is enabled by my Mother, whose love isn’t tough enough to help her.
Thanks again for letting me vent and get this out of my system. Sometimes at Al-Anon, you can’t explain all the details and just let it out of your system!!! Okay, exhale and get back to living!
Posted many times about by AS. For the past few months, since last episode and her supposed sobriety, I’ve detached, not seeing her, not talking to her (except when calling Mom and she answered the phone, oh yeah, she is 42 and still living with Mom). In conversations with Mom, according to her, she has been sober, doing great, working a lot, blah, blah, blah. For me, good enough news, since I had decided to detach in order to have peace in my life.
Yesterday, my period of detachment came to a quick end. Received call from my oldest daughter that she was taking my 5 year old granddaughter to my Mom’s house so she could play with neighbors granddaughter, who is the same age. I usually pick up granddaughter on Monday’s to hang out for a while, then I take her to swimming lessons. I said that was fine, I would go pick her up in time for swimming lessons. A few minutes later, I call my Mom to let her know that I will pick up granddaughter at 5:30, but AS picks up phone. As soon as the first word came out of her mouth, I knew she was drunk! I’ve had a few brief conversations over past few months (“hi, Mom there, how you doing, etc.”) and she sounded fine. She said Mom wasn’t there and she knew granddaughter was coming over and that she would watch her! Yikes, I hang up immediately on her (gee, that’s a first) and call back daughter to tell her NOT to leave granddaughter alone with AS. My daughter informs me that she could tell her Aunt was drunk and planned on staying there till my Mom got home from her volunteer work. She then mentioned that this wasn’t the first time she has been drunk in the past few months (since Mom got back from England and sister was on 1 month binge that made others seem mild), she didn’t want to upset me by telling me.
Now, my only concern at this point is my granddaughter! I know my Mom loves her and would never do anything to harm her, but she has mentioned over the past few months how she has had AS watch granddaughter while she ran errands, or that AS took her to park down the street. Well, thinking that she was sober according to Mom (“oh, she is doing wonderful, she is working a lot of hours, is watching her diet for diabetes, looks great”), I didn’t really look too much into this.
Now, I’m infuriated! My daughter said that my sister could barely stand yesterday. When Mom got home, they were talking in back yard, AS is basically stumbling around, talking nonsense, and Mom acts like nothing is wrong. I don’t want to drive a wedge between my Mom and me, we are very close, but the wedge has come up multiple times because of my concerns about sister and Mom’s choosing to ignore it for the most part. She is very involved with Al-Anon, but come on, how can you not see this, or she is ignoring, or just following mantra of she can’t control it, cure it, etc.
I’m having it out with her tonight that she is NOT to leave granddaughter with sister alone, ever again! My daughter is afraid of upsetting her grandmother and wants me to talk to her first. I’m not looking forward to this conversation, but it needs to get done and will tonight after work. At this point, I really don’t care what my sister does with her life, I know I can’t fix her problem. When it comes to my granddaughter, if it comes down to causing a rift between my Mom and me, I’ll learn to live with that pain, but my granddaughter will not be hurt by an alcoholic!!!
I just had to get this off my chest, thanks for listening. I’ve accepted my sister for who she is and that she will probably never accept the fact that she is an alcoholic. I’ve also accepted the fact that my Mom doesn’t want to believe her daughter is drinking, she is trying to find the good in her. I think sometimes she stays so busy with her volunteer actives (she is 73 and retired) to not have to be around sister too much. Her threats of throwing her out if she drinks again will never happen, these idle threats go through one ear and out the other with AS. Sister will never hit rock bottom when she pretty much is enabled by my Mother, whose love isn’t tough enough to help her.
Thanks again for letting me vent and get this out of my system. Sometimes at Al-Anon, you can’t explain all the details and just let it out of your system!!! Okay, exhale and get back to living!
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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Sorry. I'm new to this, so I prob can't help much, other than saying that I think you should keep your grand-child away from her. But you know this. I understand your fear of upsetting the wierd balance that somehow seems to keep the monster at bay. I have the same issue with my live in b/f's AD. She just moved in with us and their wierd way of coping is odd to me. If I speak up against it, it totally causes grief. It helps to vent here, tho
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
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Hi dreamstones
Good luck with your conversation tonight.
I am glad you are not under denial and willing to protect your grand daughter.
Many people wake up after an accident or disaster happens, I am glad you are preventing a bad situation...
Hugs!
Good luck with your conversation tonight.
I am glad you are not under denial and willing to protect your grand daughter.
Many people wake up after an accident or disaster happens, I am glad you are preventing a bad situation...
Hugs!
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Location: Arlington, VA
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If you think the little one is in danger, call child services and let them start dealing with the situation. Perhaps it will help wake up your mother as to how serious this is. At any rate, it could help the little one.
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Thanks all for words of encouragment.
My granddaugther is only in danger when she is visiting my Mom (her great-grandma) and my alcoholic sister is not working (she lives with Mom). Sometimes, Mom will let sis watch child while she runs errands and such, this is where I'm putting foot down.
It is what it is. I must sound like a real ostrich, keeping my head in sand. Just amazing how the alcohol can take over...
My granddaugther is only in danger when she is visiting my Mom (her great-grandma) and my alcoholic sister is not working (she lives with Mom). Sometimes, Mom will let sis watch child while she runs errands and such, this is where I'm putting foot down.
It is what it is. I must sound like a real ostrich, keeping my head in sand. Just amazing how the alcohol can take over...
Last edited by dreamstones; 06-23-2009 at 11:58 AM.
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You know, Barbara has an excellent idea on calling CPS to state that you do not believe your mother's home is a safe environment for your grand daughter to go.
And/or you can call Adult Protection Services for your Mom and have them do a home check ............................................ since your AS is living there and obviously drinking, there is no telling how abusive she has been or is to your mom.
Your mom may go to Al-Anon, but the elephant is still in the room and doesn't seem to have been addressed.
By getting a 'social worker' in there to assess the overall situation, your mom's life may get much better and your sister may be removed.
You do not know, even as close as you are to your mom, that your AS has not threatened her repeatedly, and thus your mom spouts these reports of how good your AS is doing.
By all means, have your talk with your mom, however, if your AS is 'hovering', please do not have any great expectations of getting anywhere. Alcoholics can be extremely intimidating, so even though you may not have seen any verbal abuse, it can be happening.
Just some additional thoughts to dwell on, I have seen situations like your Mom and AS that are far far worse than one can see from the outside.
Please keep posting and let us know how you, your daughter, and that precious grand daughter are doing, we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
And/or you can call Adult Protection Services for your Mom and have them do a home check ............................................ since your AS is living there and obviously drinking, there is no telling how abusive she has been or is to your mom.
Your mom may go to Al-Anon, but the elephant is still in the room and doesn't seem to have been addressed.
By getting a 'social worker' in there to assess the overall situation, your mom's life may get much better and your sister may be removed.
You do not know, even as close as you are to your mom, that your AS has not threatened her repeatedly, and thus your mom spouts these reports of how good your AS is doing.
By all means, have your talk with your mom, however, if your AS is 'hovering', please do not have any great expectations of getting anywhere. Alcoholics can be extremely intimidating, so even though you may not have seen any verbal abuse, it can be happening.
Just some additional thoughts to dwell on, I have seen situations like your Mom and AS that are far far worse than one can see from the outside.
Please keep posting and let us know how you, your daughter, and that precious grand daughter are doing, we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
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Dreamstones, I'm confused.
Your granddaughter doesn't live with your Mom, right?
Isn't it possible for you and your daughter to make the decision that your Mom's house is not a good place to leave your granddaughter?
Feel free to straighten me out here....I won't be offended
I love that you are going to have that conversation tonight, because I'm kind of an honest type. But if your Mom is able to exercise her denial with a stumbling, mumbling alcoholic right in front of her, do you & your daughter really trust her personal judgment enough to leave your granddaughter with her?
No matter what her response tonight, I'd (personally) be questioning whether that is a safe situation for your granddaughter.
And it might help you regain your detachment. Believe me, I know how priceless that can be.
((( dreamstones )))
Your granddaughter doesn't live with your Mom, right?
Isn't it possible for you and your daughter to make the decision that your Mom's house is not a good place to leave your granddaughter?
Feel free to straighten me out here....I won't be offended
I love that you are going to have that conversation tonight, because I'm kind of an honest type. But if your Mom is able to exercise her denial with a stumbling, mumbling alcoholic right in front of her, do you & your daughter really trust her personal judgment enough to leave your granddaughter with her? No matter what her response tonight, I'd (personally) be questioning whether that is a safe situation for your granddaughter.
And it might help you regain your detachment. Believe me, I know how priceless that can be.
((( dreamstones )))
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laurie6781 and GiveLove,
Thanks for response. No, granddaughter doesn't live with my Mom, just visits and has a weekly sleepover. My granddaughter adores my Mom (and vice versa) and Mom has been helping watch her since she was a baby, since we were working and daughter was going to nursing school and working. Again, she is safe except when Mom trusts my sister, I just need to remind Mom that my AS cannot be trusted alone with granddaughter. I know she told me a few weeks back she let my sister take granddaugther to park, now I wonder what kind of shape she was in?? I've been told that sister is working a lot of hours at her waitress job, so she isn't around too much. Also, GD is only at my Mom's maybe once a week. But still, the conversation needs to be made.
I just know that I will not lecture either Mom or Sister, just state the case that Sis can't be trusted with my GD. I already know what direction the converstation will go:
Sister: "I'm not drinking, you're crazy", then will storm off to room and slam door. You can then hear her closet door open (one of many vodka stash spots) to have a drink of courage.
Mom: "She hasn't been drinking, you're totally wrong, I would know when she is drinking". Okay, then my daughter is making this up as well and didn't leave her daugther alone yesterday, why???
Me: "Mom, whether you want to believe she is drinking or not, my daughter doesn't not want her daughter and your great-grandaugther left alone with sister because of her drinking. Our concern is GD and her safety."
My wife tells me that my Mom wants to beleive the best in sister, perhaps reason for denial. Also, my Mom is very private, so she wants to keep it between her and sister, but she forgets there is a fallout effect here.
Thanks again everyone for your kind words and support, it really is very helpful and I thank God every day for this kind of support!
Thanks for response. No, granddaughter doesn't live with my Mom, just visits and has a weekly sleepover. My granddaughter adores my Mom (and vice versa) and Mom has been helping watch her since she was a baby, since we were working and daughter was going to nursing school and working. Again, she is safe except when Mom trusts my sister, I just need to remind Mom that my AS cannot be trusted alone with granddaughter. I know she told me a few weeks back she let my sister take granddaugther to park, now I wonder what kind of shape she was in?? I've been told that sister is working a lot of hours at her waitress job, so she isn't around too much. Also, GD is only at my Mom's maybe once a week. But still, the conversation needs to be made.
I just know that I will not lecture either Mom or Sister, just state the case that Sis can't be trusted with my GD. I already know what direction the converstation will go:
Sister: "I'm not drinking, you're crazy", then will storm off to room and slam door. You can then hear her closet door open (one of many vodka stash spots) to have a drink of courage.
Mom: "She hasn't been drinking, you're totally wrong, I would know when she is drinking". Okay, then my daughter is making this up as well and didn't leave her daugther alone yesterday, why???
Me: "Mom, whether you want to believe she is drinking or not, my daughter doesn't not want her daughter and your great-grandaugther left alone with sister because of her drinking. Our concern is GD and her safety."
My wife tells me that my Mom wants to beleive the best in sister, perhaps reason for denial. Also, my Mom is very private, so she wants to keep it between her and sister, but she forgets there is a fallout effect here.
Thanks again everyone for your kind words and support, it really is very helpful and I thank God every day for this kind of support!
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anvilhead,
your user name is quite appropriate! I also agree with everything you have stated!
I have had this conversation with Mom a couple of times over the past 5 years (age of granddaughter) and she agreed with me. I don't know why this woman lives in denial, but she does.
Today I know what I need to say and have the strength to do it. Mom will have to agree with me today, not tomorrow after she has yet another talk with sister (in which she makes her go to AA, threatens to kick out, blah, blah, blah). This is the same woman, who made me go bail out sister when I was 18 (she was 16 and my father was drunk and in no shape to do it) after she was caught passed out naked on a lawn near high school with some guy (yeah, guess this has been going on for a long time) and didn't talk to sister for close to 2 months, so I think denial is her main choice in dealing with this crap...
Thanks for the support!
your user name is quite appropriate! I also agree with everything you have stated!
I have had this conversation with Mom a couple of times over the past 5 years (age of granddaughter) and she agreed with me. I don't know why this woman lives in denial, but she does.
Today I know what I need to say and have the strength to do it. Mom will have to agree with me today, not tomorrow after she has yet another talk with sister (in which she makes her go to AA, threatens to kick out, blah, blah, blah). This is the same woman, who made me go bail out sister when I was 18 (she was 16 and my father was drunk and in no shape to do it) after she was caught passed out naked on a lawn near high school with some guy (yeah, guess this has been going on for a long time) and didn't talk to sister for close to 2 months, so I think denial is her main choice in dealing with this crap...
Thanks for the support!
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
so if the chain for the swingset held 9 out of 10 times, only snapped off the hook 1 in 10 times, you could say your GD is SAFE except when the chain breaks and she falls into the dirt.
or she's safe except when her drunken aunt knocks over the lit candle and sets the house on fire.
or when left alone with her drunken aunt, the aunt trips and falls and knocks herself unconscious. and the granddaughter decides to go outside and play........
NEVER trust the safety of your child (or grandchild) to ANYBODY else....your mom has a heart torn in two, between her own daughter that she chooses to live in denial over and TRUST her with YOUR granddaughter, and her own GD that she adores.....
so you have this TALK with your mom...and she nods and says yes she understands. haven't you already expressed these concerns before???? and doesn't she dover up and deny by telling you how great sis is doing and stuff? you have a chance here to make a choice that will have either a positive or potentially quite negative impact on that baby. me personally i don't give a rip whose fee-fee's get hurt or whose nose gets bent out of whack when it comes to the health and safety of a small child that has no choice but to rely up on ADULTS for her care........
or she's safe except when her drunken aunt knocks over the lit candle and sets the house on fire.
or when left alone with her drunken aunt, the aunt trips and falls and knocks herself unconscious. and the granddaughter decides to go outside and play........
NEVER trust the safety of your child (or grandchild) to ANYBODY else....your mom has a heart torn in two, between her own daughter that she chooses to live in denial over and TRUST her with YOUR granddaughter, and her own GD that she adores.....
so you have this TALK with your mom...and she nods and says yes she understands. haven't you already expressed these concerns before???? and doesn't she dover up and deny by telling you how great sis is doing and stuff? you have a chance here to make a choice that will have either a positive or potentially quite negative impact on that baby. me personally i don't give a rip whose fee-fee's get hurt or whose nose gets bent out of whack when it comes to the health and safety of a small child that has no choice but to rely up on ADULTS for her care........
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I'm GL's camp on this one. It seems to me that the mother of the child has the ultimate say in who cares for her child. Wouldn't it be a lot more productive to express your concerns to her than insert yourself into the drama of the alcoholic and enabler?
L
L
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Yes and no. I did talk with my daughter about this and she wants me to "break the ice" more or less. My Mom has been very instrumental in both her and my granddaughters life. When GD was an infant and daugther was going to college and working, my Mom watched the baby 4 days out of the week since my wife and I worked. As my GD has grown and my daughter has graduated, gotten a job as a nurse, gotten married, etc. "Grammy" has been a big part of all our lives.
Again, I'm starting the conversation for my daughter, but also for my granddaughter, who I helped raise as well (and still am) . Also, I'm hoping that Mom will finally realize that she is harming more than helping AS. She needs to get tough with her love, which is the same topic I talked to her about in February when sister was lying in intensive care after almost dying.
Again, I'm starting the conversation for my daughter, but also for my granddaughter, who I helped raise as well (and still am) . Also, I'm hoping that Mom will finally realize that she is harming more than helping AS. She needs to get tough with her love, which is the same topic I talked to her about in February when sister was lying in intensive care after almost dying.
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
I'm GL's camp on this one. It seems to me that the mother of the child has the ultimate say in who cares for her child. Wouldn't it be a lot more productive to express your concerns to her than insert yourself into the drama of the alcoholic and enabler?
L
L
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Originally Posted by dreamstones
Also, I'm hoping that Mom will finally realize that she is harming more than helping AS. She needs to get tough with her love, which is the same topic I talked to her about in February when sister was lying in intensive care after almost dying.
L
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I can only tell what works for me. My mom is the A. She's been sober for a long time, but those same old behaviors remain.
Anyway, She has always been the criticizing control freak that I was always fearful of as a child. I love her, but even at 53 yrs old, I am finally learning to stand up to her. She will act like I am killing her, and even daring to do such a thing is horrible!! I was always forced into a corner with her, and feeling guilty for ever having a mind of my own.
I don't care. I have a life of my own, and I make my own decisions.
If I ever felt my granddaughter was in danger, absolutely nothing would stop me from halting the behavior that threatened her. I wouldn't care who it upset.
Anyway, She has always been the criticizing control freak that I was always fearful of as a child. I love her, but even at 53 yrs old, I am finally learning to stand up to her. She will act like I am killing her, and even daring to do such a thing is horrible!! I was always forced into a corner with her, and feeling guilty for ever having a mind of my own.
I don't care. I have a life of my own, and I make my own decisions.
If I ever felt my granddaughter was in danger, absolutely nothing would stop me from halting the behavior that threatened her. I wouldn't care who it upset.
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