JensSis

Hi All!
Happy fathers day to all of the Fathers out there!
So, my sis in law is right out of rehab, 3 days out to be exact... my husband went by their moms (where she lives) and brought a welcome home card and some cookies that my 5 yr old drew and baked. Her mom and dad are freaking out about letting anyone near her afraid that any disturbance to upset her will send her over teh edge, but she isn't learning how to deal with anything by being kept in a bubble, at least that's how I see it... they didn't even want to let her brother see her. She wouldn't come down teh steps to see her brother because she says she's too anxious to see or talk to anyone because she's afraid of it, but he went up there anyway and after a minte or two, she relaxed and there were no issues.
Her dad is reclusive and her brother came close to it for a while, so I don't see how letting her stay in hiding is helping anything? Am I wrong about this??
Also, she says she wants to see me and teh kids but she is afraid to face anyone and she's too anxious... this sounds to me like she's afraid to take the first step and afraid of what I might say or if I would judge her, although we were very very close befoe her addiction became too much for me to handle. So, my question is this: Should I just take teh bull by the horns and go see her in person and tell her that I have no judgements on her and that she can relax because we love her and want her around again? Maybe this would calm her anxiety since she's not the one who'd have to make the first step in contact??
Just not sure about this one... I've gone through similar things with her after an argument or something, where unless I approched her in person she'd avoid the situation because she was scared, but never when she was in such a fragile state... any suggestions??
Thanks!!!

ventuhome

Can you email her or call her? Something simple like "I'm proud of you for doing rehab. Lets get together for a cup of coffee sometime."

atalose

I think respecting her wishes of not wanting to see anyone right now may the best thing you could possible do.

Sending a card of well wishes may be the next.

Daisy09

I think it would be good to let her know how you feel...maybe you could post on the substance abuse board and ask other people in recovery how they would feel about it.

winnie12

You seem to have a healthier outlook then she or your parents have and i think you're right. Hiding away does no good - sooner or later she has to face the real world and part of recovery is facing up to what we've done. but its her recovery so maybe just send her a card or give her a call and just say "I love you." i think sometimes when addicts are embarrased like this that just knowing their family still loves them in spite of what they did can really help a lot.

outtolunch

Sounds like her parents are stuck in control land and want to keep her in a safe bubble for as long as possible. SIL may also feel safer in such an enviornment, for now. They do not trust her and she probably does not trust herself.

She needs a job and to learn how to take care of herself in the real world without using drugs to cope with all the BS of life.

Dancing on egg shells around her is not going to matter.

SIL owns her own recovery. She may or may not be done.

JensSis

Thanks everyone! I called her house hoping that there might be a chance of her answering, but when her Mom answered, she said "there's not a chance in hell of her picking up for you".. well... okay, not much to say to that right? I just asked her mom to please tell her that I know she's afraid of how to relate to people and that she doesn't know what to say or do around us, but to please let her know that I have no judjements made on her and taht I have nothing negative to say to or about her, so when she does decide to talk, I only want a peaceful conversation and have only good intentions. I left it at that and haven't tried to call or contact her since. I think that it finally sank into my thick skull, that if after tons of cards and letters and dozens of oppertunities for her to make things right with us, she has chosen not to, than I am no longer going to bother trying to fix things. It's her battle and if she wants to hide away and throw away relationships with her family, than I can't stop her and I'm tired of trying. Now, I just have to stick with the plan to let it be... that'll be the tough part.

whereami

I think that there is always tommorow in this case. She is just out maybe give her some time. I was antisocial when I came home pregnant, alone, broke and ticked with an addicted ex who took off. I took about a month before I wanted to see anyone and I wasn't on any chemicals. I would just give her some more time. Patience will allow the dust to settle and maybe show her you aren't looking for some special sign on her forehead. SHe may just be afraid of what you are looking for her to be or act like. Her confidence is probably shot. Just give her time, what is the rush, you are family and she is being taken care of now...jmo

ventuhome

I feel for you Jen. Time to fix yourself a nice cup pof tea, hug your husband and kids, pets if you have any. Then go out and buy yourself a steamy romance novel!!! Go see a movie!! Take a hike with your family (and dont discuss her). My ASIL is still in jail, I see my bro almost every day as he works with me in our business now. We talk all the time, but I never mention her and he doesnt either. We're done with the drama. This site and Nar-Anon have really shown me how to stand up for myself - I used to 'lend' her money because I was worried about my nephew. Now she has steady income from an inheritance and if she blows it and runs out before the next check its not my problem. Hang in there....