Limiya

Ok, i really need to get over this breakup soon. It's ripping me apart.
I felt so strong the first couple of days after we broke up, but since then each day has become harder and harder.
The thing i think of in the morning is him, all day, until i go to bed. Even at work i have to keep taking breaks to go and calm myself down in the bathroom.
The thought of not hearing from him or seeing him again really scares me. I believe i've come to rely on him, which sounds rediculous.
My friends are helping me feel better, but it's still driving me crazy.
My own thought process.

YESTERDAY i had a set back. I'd done so well, not contacting him, and thought it was strange he hadn't tried to contact me.
I knew on thursday after we had broke up he went out with friends to get wasted on drink and coke. But that's all i knew.
Anyway, i was casually chatting to a friend of his and mine and we were talking about the weekend.
He told me i should have met up with him and some others on sunday. I said it wouldn't have been a good idea as my Ex would have been there.
He said "No, he was in hospital on sunday having an operation. Didn't you know?"

That was it. I went crazy. I demanded he give me his number and went crazy because no one had informed me of this. All i kept seeing in my head was my ex lying there in hospital, feeling scared due to an operation, and all i could think was i should have been there to support and fluff his pillows and make him feel loved.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??
I was angry he hadn't even told me he'd gone into hospital.
Like an idiot, i sent him 2 messages telling him i know i shouldn't be texting, but i'd heard he'd had an operation, and i was going out of my mind with worry and was ok???
When he didn't reply after 2 minutes i tried calling him, but i heard him cut me off.
I started crying my eyes out. I only wanted to know he was ok and he was cutting me off like this. I honestly don't know what i would have done if he hadn't responded. Probably called his family to find out.
I turned into a nutcase.

Anyway, he text back saying his Gout in his foot had come back and needed an operation to fix it. Said he was out of hospital, was ok and working hard and thanked me for the text.
I immediately felt relieved, not only he was ok but he had been nice on the text and not told me to leave him alone which i was expecting.
I responded i hope he looks after himself now as he needs to be well to concur the world.
I wasn't expecting anything after that. But he ended up asking if i was ok. I said i was fine (big fat lie). And we just talked about the music opportunities taking off, and that was it.
Neither of us got into any other discussion about us or his lifestyle. I kept away from bringing it up. He told me to take care and that was it.

But the relief i felt after having spoken to him was immense. It's awful. I still miss him and want to see him and speak to him more often. But i know it's best not to and he doesn't want me to.
Then in the back of my mind i'm thinking, now he's had this operation, he might stop drinking now. Then the problems will go and we can get back together.
Which i know is stupid to think too.

I need people to tell me off for this. I gave into my codie behaviour big time and scared myself with how much i lost it.
I'm obviously worse than i thought. I've been going out with friends, and going to work to take my mind off things, but it's not working. I'm trying to let go but i can't. I feel exhausted from thinking about him all the time, going over things in my head constantly.
And yet i know he probably hasn't even had time to think about me or what happened cause as soon as we broke up he was in hospital and he was working on music.
Why do i feel like i'm the one who'se lost out here???

Sorry for the long post. Please don't hold back.
I feel like i've let myself down.

~Limiya~

winnie12

I dont personally think you need a talking to because it sounds like you've beat yourself up enough. i also dont think that there is anything wrong with still having a general concern for the well-being of an ex. so you got a little crazy and you felt those old emotions coming back up but you recognized it for what it was - that's 1/2 the battle right there. your actually learning a great deal about yourself when you recoginize how your emotions affect you. you/we are all still learning so just take this as a lesson and figure out from it what you need to work on next.

livingalie

Limiya,

This is the tough part of being involved with someone who is in this lifestyle. You love who they are when they are sober but when their switch gets flipped, all you want is for them to go away. The b**** of that is they do. Then you're scared, worried, angry, hurt, depressed, the whole gammit. You want to talk to them. You want to hear their voice. You want to know they're still alive and breathing. These are natural thoughts and feelings when you care about someone.

You now have to let go. He has chosen his path - good or bad - and you have to let him walk it through. I'm in this process now. My abf left Monday and has been on a heroin binge ever since. This is not the first time he has left for his addiction and each time it has killed me. In the past, I was his savior. I would supply the money and the transportation (he would take my bank cards, cash, and keys to my truck when I wasn't looking or was sleeping).

I know where you are right now. I'm there as well. But this time, it's different for me. I have acknowledged that he has made his choice. I offered to help him get into rehab when he asked for it. I offered to take him to a counselor when he asked for it. I, I, I. That's only helping me. There are ways for him to get help without my 'help'. Here, there are free organizations he can go to to detox and they will even come get you.

I look at my letting go like this: I have to 'tie' myself up to hold myself back from talking to him, from contacting him, from anything with him. I have, in my mind, chained myself to wherever I am to keep these actions from being reality. When he calls for money, I refuse to answer and when I do, I repeat 'no', emphatically. What I'm working on right now is not answering at all. By talking to him, I am still connected to him and any feelings of breaking free and having my own life are shot down. It's like starting all over.

Here's another way you can think of it. If you were in the hospital while he is out using and knew you were there, would he visit you? Would he call you? Truly... I'm guessing the answer is no. His addiction is his only concern. My mother always tells me to take care of myself first, because only then can I be there for my family. If he is not taking care of himself and making himself better, he cannot be there for you.

Be strong. You have been hard enough on yourself and you do not need a 'stern talking to'. You need to know that you can do this. You can detach and move forward. It is hard, without question, but absolutely possible. I have been living with my addict for almost 2 years and it has been the worst 2 years of my life. The sober times were great. They were the best of my life, but I am done with worrying and watching over my shoulder. I am done hiding my personals from him. I'm done with hiding in my own house. My detachment has been hard as I am 3 mos pregnant with his child. I will always have a connection with him. No matter what. But if he lives or dies, that's out of my hands. I cannot stop him and I cannot prevent anything from happening to him, just as I cannot prevent my own demise, when God says it's time. I am powerless over the universe, but I am in control of myself. I can decide to look in his direction or look away. I would rather look away.

No matter what, you are loved. Whether its from your family and friends or even from all of us here, you are loved. See the sunrise of life and realize that you can go on without the darkness. You can - and will be - happy when the drama swirling around him and sucking you in is away from your life. It can happen. Believe that. Believe in yourself and the strength you have in you.

Limiya

Thanks guys.
You're all so helpful.

Yeah i didn't think you could cure Gout with an operation but what do i know?
He had it for the 1st time about 6 months ago. And they basically told him to rest it and gave him medication. It must have been really bad this time to have had to have an operation on it. His mate said he saw him briefly on crutches so it must be true.

At least he won't be drinking or drugging for a few weeks now. Which annoys me cause that's why we broke up. But it is possible when he feels better it might start creeping back into his life.
But i have to learn to let it be. It's up to him, he is a grown man. I just can't help thinkin about him.
I'm off out with friends tonight for a few hours. It will be nice. But i'll come home and start thinking it all through my head again.

Why can't i switch off like he can? Why can't i decide "i've had enough" like he did?
Why can't i feel "deadened" to this?

A big part of me thinks, well let's see how he is when he comes back from the tour. If he's gonna start drugging and drinking heavily again, it will be then.
If i can let go and not worry or obsess over him by the time he returns in september, then hopefuly by then i won't be interested anyway.

I went into hospital once before for a check up and he called me whilst high to check i was ok. I know if i needed an op he'd come visit me, even if high, but that would have stressed me more (unless he's sleeping it off).

Maybe it's cause it's early days?
It's only been a week.
I just want to be over this.

~Limiya~

Tryingtobefree

It's quite possible that he had to have fluid drained due to the gout. My XABF had gout - it's really extraordinarily painful. When the crystals built up he would swell up wherever crystals were (knee, foot, etc) and there were times he had to have the fluid drained off.

One time his doctor actually came to the house (my XABF was also the doctors stockbroker so they had a long history) and drained his knee on his dining room table.

He's also had to use crutches during really bad attacks.

The irony of it is that alcohol is one of the worst triggers for gout. My XABF started drinking a tablesoon of baking soda in a small glass of water every day which helped but would not quit drinking

Limiya

Thanks Anvilhead.
I am going out most nights with friends and dancing and doing things i love. And it takes my mind off it more than it would when i'm at home. And work helps.
But i'm still struggling. Maybe it's early days?
I'm sure things will improve, and i'll feel better eventually. But i want to feel better NOW!!!
LOL... i'll be driving myself mad if i keep thinking of what ifs all the time. He's made himself perfectly clear, and his actions are showing its meant. SO i have to get over it.

I just wish it was easier.
~Limiya~

Limiya

Thanks. Inciteful. I don't think he'll ever stop drinking. He might for a week or so until the pain goes which is what happened before. But he started again afterwards and now look.
Operation this time.
Who knows?

I have to let it go now. Not my problem anymore. He can do what he likes now.
*sigh*

~Limiya~

KariSue

Gosh, you really have a handle on all this. I enjoy reading your posts so much. They are so helpful and just a pleasure to read (even when we don't want to hear the information in them)

KariSue

KariSue

Hi Limiya,

This is probably gonna sound dumb but it works for me. I mean it helps. Time is going to be your best friend with all this.

If I get into negative thinking or thoughts I don't want what I have learned to do is don't let them have power over me.

The way I do that is to think to myself "Okay, there is no getting around this. I AM going to be thinking about this a lot for awhile. BUT, I won't fight the thoughts. They can come and they will come. It is natural that they will come into my head. But everytime one does, I'll say something to myself like 'Oh shoot here comes ANOTHER thought about all this. Well fine 'thought' be there but you are JUST a thought. I'm too busy for your garbage right now. I am going to do something else." Then consciously make an effort to do something else. If the thought persists then okay that's fine that it is there but you really are too busy for it. Do something else instead. Or even think something else instead. You need to substitute something for the thoughts. Think something similar to the above....whatever sounds good to you....and then force yourself to do or think something else.

My AS is moving out in two days. Yippee! I am making a list of things I want to do for ME and start working on the list. That might help you too.

The best to you. I know it's hard but you'll do it. I know you will.

KariSue

Abundance

Limiya..... look at it like your are detoxing. The first few days.... you still had some residual from the relationship - in you. It is going to feel bad before it's gets better. Keep yourself busy .... recognize and accept these feelings. Don't push them away - but also - try not to get the quick-fix (contact) - for a quick relief. It just sets you back. I know how you are feeling..... I've been there - done that. Im fact, I am just a few days behind you. And the sadness and pain is finally surfacing. I recognize it's the process. I love him... but I am choosing me.

No doubt, I would have done the same thing with the operation situation. You handled it the best way you could.... and you are okay.

Like addicts ... they say to change your play mates and play ground. I believe that in this situation - we have to do the same thing.

Thinking of you.......

Limiya

I'm actually looking forward to seeing my friends tonight. For a few seconds about 2 minutes ago, i felt a glimmer of excitement at seeing them. It was a glimmer. But it was there.
all i ever feel like doing is lying around at home doing nothing, thinking, crying and generally feeling sorry for myself.
BUT i have been fighting it as much as possible. Trying to keep myself busy and most nights i've been out to see friends.
My friends listen patiently, and give their advice without being critical, and without badmouthing him. Even my family are being very understanding.
I love them all.

At least i know i have done everything i could and it wasn't enough for him. So as you all advise each other regularly, i have to accept myself and the only person i can truly rely on is myself.
It's gonna take time but with all your support (and family) i will get through it. PLUS i'm so pleased none of you think what i did was really bad. I was cursing myself internally for having sent him a message. BUT i'm glad i did.

You're all being so supportive and i thank you.
~Limiya~

outtolunch

Surgery for gout? That's extremely rare. When it's done, it's an outpatient thing. Sorry, just not buying into the story.

It it him or the drama that you need?

I see that you have put yourself on this on again/off again see-saw for at least nine months.
Have you had enough? Don't you deserve to treat yourself better than you have been doing?

Limiya

OUTTOLUNCH:
Thanks. Yeah well APPARENTLY it wasn't gout. It was for an ABCESSon his foot. His mate got it wrong.
BUT as i keep repeating to myself... ITS NOT MY PROBLEM ANYMORE!!

As per your question. I DON'T KNOW what it is. I don't miss the upset, and i don't miss the aggressive outbursts in the slightest. I just miss him and us together having nice times.
It was for the best. And each day i'm realising how unhealthy this was.
The worse it got, the harder i tried.
I guess sometimes i just need to learn when to let go, and when to give up.
For once i know i did everything i could, and it is HIS LOSS!!
He can carry on killing himself without me.

There, that felt good. I'm up n down, but hopefuly now there will be more consistency without the regular outbursts disrupting my happiness.

~Limiya~