kuljey

Im so so worried about the new journey we will be beginning! i am not confident in him, unfortunately, he has given me lots of reasons to doubt--seeing him on court furloughs and behaving badly---receiving letter of his undying love for me.

I have such bad anxiety that i am even shaky! I am not proud of this..and dont want to be on eggshells as well. I cannot tell him (when on phone) how i feel, i try he gets upset. My friends tell me they hear him putting blame on every1 else and not taking responsiblity.

I am easy to give up responsiblity for "my bads" and own up... but........

I pray that i dont have a nervous breakdown. This awful feeling has been getting worse.

laurie6781

Sweetie, please call your Doctor. Your doctor can give you a referral to a therapist, possibly even put you on a short term anti anxiety med. Your doctor will also have access to a list that will give you the counciling places up there that are on a 'sliding fee' basis.

Also, please try to find and attend some Al-Anon and/or Naranon meetings. I know there are lots of them in your area, probably many more than when I lived up there 19 yeas ago.

Please, please, remember, your job is NOT to take care of him. This is HIS PROBLEM (and yes because I understand, it is yours to an extent by how you react to him). I also suspect that there may have been some DV (domestic violence) in the past, maybe not physical but certainly verbal and emotional (which sometimes is worse than the physical), so your anxiety combined with 'fear' of what is about to happen next is making you ill.

So that being said, you may also want to contact the DV center up there, as they have lots of GREAT councilors that can probably help you a lot. They might even be able to see you today or tomorrow if you tell them honestly how bad this is for you right now.

Call me if you want.

Love and hugs,

kuljey

i do see a therapist, and i do take anti-anxiety meds! his daughters mother just sent me a msg that he wrote his daughter and told her that i keep askin what he writes her. i had asked 1x wondering what they talk about. (history: he had this child from a drunken one night stand when they were young. he didnt know till she was 9. now at my pushing he has been in contact w/her. anyhow, he writes her all the time and he doesnt really know her. one time i asked what does he even talk about. her mother used to work w/me here and her mother--the kids grandma works here and talks with me.i have had some drama w/these ppl. he had me call on my cellphone 3way to his kids moms phone to talk to the child.i didnt hang up right and our conversation was recorded on the voicemail.the mom is livid/furious cuz i had asked juan if he was on her birthcertificate.the mom has said i am not allowed to be around her.she even went so far as to tell the kid i dispute the paternity of her and i want a dna test. i never said that.juan even said he was on the phone w/me and i didnt say that and that this "crap" w/his kid will not be hurt in all this.well as i see it she is sad cuz her mother opened her big mouth to tell her i supposedly said that stuff. i thnk he needs to have the convo w/her... so today the grandmother told me he juan wrote his daughter and i KEEP askin what they talk about.the mom/daughter livid THAT I ASK... he wrote her that i will never know what they talk about or do.... its between them.)

i am so confused..i dont dont get it!!!