firestorm090

I thought, with the help of this group and attendance at AA meetings, that I could possibly stop drinking, stop being worthless, stop being a loser, but apparently it's not true for me. I'm not going to play this game anymore. I'm a drunk, pure and simple. After reading a few threads in the AA forum, it doesn't matter to me if I'm a "hard drinker" or if I qualify as a "real alcoholic". It doesn't matter if I'm one of the fortunate few who deserves a spiritual awakening because I'm crawling in the gutter. I'm a drunk, pure and simple and some of us, as it says in the Big Book are incapable of being honest with ourselves. Well, the most honest thing I can say is that I know damn well I'm a drunk, just maybe I haven't hit the bottom that is approved of by AA, that maybe I need to grab a few meals out of the trash to qualify. It doesn't matter. I drank again tonight, I didn't even make four days without a drink. My doctor told me today that I need a defibrillator and I drank because I was pissed. That's it. He put me on six medications today to bring my heart out of the dumps and stated that I need to carry nitroglycerin with me at all times, so if I have another episode, I may be able to save myself by popping one of those pills. Who the hell cares, other than him. I try to care, but I'm sick of being a damn drunk, no pretty words here like "alcoholic", I'm a damn drunk and feel destined to die the death of a drunk, so please, let's not kid ourselves anymore.

I'm cancelling my membership here because I hope others are able to win this battle and I don't want to be a distraction from their progress. I don't feel capable of winning, so I'm not going to be a source of sour grapes.

I do sincerely appreciate all of you, the good, the bad and the want-to-be's. I feel my contribution has elapsed into the abyss, so I wish all of you well.

Dee74

You're not any worse than the rest of us FS - no apology required but to yourself - we've all been there. I know I have.

SR is a site for us all FS - but I think its especially for the ppl still suffering....otherwise what are we all doing here but slapping backs?

Cancelling your membership would be exactly the wrong thing to do.

Sorry to hear about your heart problems - but as I see it - all of us just gotta take care of ourselves, do our best, and swing with it, mate, ailments or not.

Get back on the horse
D

yeahgr8

Wow what a shame that you have not been lucky enough to meet the AA members i have in the last 4 weeks.

They would tell you to forget all the **** about hard drinker-alcoholic, certainly forget the bottom crap, if you read the 12 and 12 you will see that this has changed since the start of AA and even back in the 50's it was being recognised that younger men were coming into the program and even potential alcoholics were getting well through working the steps, still just on their 20's.

Is a 12 step treatment centre an option for you, do you have any money, if not you can go to government outpatient, still lots of options left, maybe you haven't even scratched the surface?

If you are adament that you are not going to bother what's the plan, a leaving las vegas scenario? At least do a video diary and youtube it so other people can see what happens if you go all the way!

A sad post indeed, hope you find something for you out there!

marty888

You dont need to apologise to anywhere here mate, we are all in the same boat. Try and stick around, dont give up without a fight

allport

You should stick around Firestorm, how we feel straight after a drink is not helpful in making sensible decisions.

I like what Dee said about this place being for everyone, I have suffered several relapses and while that might not be the ideal for a recovery site, I am finding my way slowly but surely.

Ann

I don't think you are a loser, I think you are a sick person who struggles but who is trying to find a better path. Nobody said it would be easy, but just as important, nobody said you had to do it alone. We're walking with you, good days and bad, and sharing our light until you can find yours.

No matter how physically sick you are, you are alive with days that come one at a time just like for all of us. Not one of us knows what tomorrow may bring. So maybe live the day well, and just for today know that you have support and love.

A saying that opened my eyes is from the movie Shawshank Redemption...Get busy living or get busy dying.

Personally, I prefer to spend whatever days I have living. Those days get easier when others walk with me.

Hugs

nibroc

My friend, I'm a drunk and right now drunk. I've been trying to deal with this for a decade. Please think about what you CAN get with just one phone call to me. Who am I?

Nobody. Just another drunk. But what do you have to lose? Further, I have so much to gain on hearing from you.

Tazman53

FS I am sure you know the word surrender, it is used in AA a lot.

I have walked in your shoes, I know what it is to simply surrender to alcohol, I did it a couple of weeks before I surrendered a second time.

The first surrender I had was like yours right now...... I gave up the fight, I could not stay stopped at that point even a day, I had grown so tired of fighting it, I had grown tired of hatiing myself for not being able to stop drinking, I was tired of viewing myself as a failure, I made a decision that I was going to stop fighting it because I knew I could not beat it! Alcohol owned me, all of me, drinking was my life, I was a DRUNK!!!! I decided I was just going to drink, when I wanted and how I wanted, no more fighting it!

It felt GOOD!!! No more fighting, just drinking!

Several weeks later my wife told me her and the kids had a place lined up and they would be moving out at the end of the month because as my wife put it "I am not going to let the kids watch you drink your self to death!" When she told me that I was actually happy, I thought to myself "Cool, now I can drink in the house with out any body b!tching at me.", I immediately went out to the garage and grabbed a beer, turned on the radio and sat down to drink myself into oblivion.

Some time during that drinking bout I had my future revealed to me, I knew at the end of the month my family was gone, but I also saw that soon after I would lose my job because I would be passing out on the sofa and not hearing the alarm clock I would be late for work over and over again, this would result in me losing my job. WHich really did not matter because I had no idea how to pay bills any how, no money would result in me losing my house, next would come the repo man to take my truck! What was left? Well what was left was me, my bottle, and a slow painful death from alcoholism!

That scared the hell out of me, I knew at that point 2 things, one thing was that if I kept drinking I was going to die slowly and painfully, the second thing which scared me even worse was the fact that I had absolutely no idea how to even stop drinking, little lone stay stopped, all I saw was my death and I had no control over it.

Well for some reason I pulled out my health insurance card and there was a phone number on the back for the drug and alcohol hotline...... I called it and got an appointment the next day.

I saw the doctor the next day and for the first time in my life I told some one exactly how much I drank, how often I drank, and what happened to me when I drank.

I had surrendered to the fact that I did not know how to stop drinking even though I wanted to and that even if I did stop I could not stay stopped, I was beaten, the fight was gone and I was willing to do what ever it took to get and stay sober!

The doctor told me I needed to be medically detoxed, I went into detox.

In detox they told me if I wanted a CHANCE to stay sober after I left detox to go to at least 90 AA meetings and get a sponsor, I went to more then 90 meetings in 90 days & I got a sponsor.

In AA I heard time and time again, that if I wanted a CHANCE at long term sobriety I needed to take the steps with my sponsor, I took the steps with my sponsor.

My sponsor and others told me to pass on to others what had been passed on to me, I pass on freely what was passed on to me freely, I sponsor other men and I help evey alcoholic I can to find and maintain sobriety.

Now a few questions for you:

1. Have you been TOTALLY honest with your doctor about your drinking?
2. Are you willing to do what your doctor suggest you do?
3. Do you go to as many AA meetings as you can?
4. Do you have a sponsor?
5. Are you willing to follow suggestions given to you by people who know how to stay sober?
6. Do you have phone numbers of other people of your gender in AA?
7. Do you call some of them every day?
8. If you have a sponsor are you taking your sponsors suggestions?
9 If you have a sponsor are you taking the steps with your sponsor?

I know that hopeless feeling, that feeling of gloom and doom, that to hell with it all attitude, that fear, that self hatred, I found a solution to all of those, but I had to surrender to the fact that I had no idea how to stop drinking and stay stopped. I had to listen to and follow suggestions of my doctor and people who knew how to stay sober in AA.

I had to be willing to do what ever it took to get and stay sober!

Are you ready? Are you willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober?

If you would like to have what I and hundreds of thousands of alcoholics have in AA, then I suggest that you do as we have done.

Bamboozle

Hello, FS. I'm really sorry to hear about your heart.


Please stay at SR. When you are struggling the most is when you need to be here the most. I was told this several times when I wanted to exit out of here. You need the support.

I've stayed on SR for several hours in a row several times just so I could stay sober. I latched onto this place to make it through. I've read through old threads and new...and commented when I thought I should.

Don't worry about that nonsense of "real alcoholic" or "hard drinker". I personally think it's such an enormous load of BS that all of the discussions about it could fill up about 75 dump trucks and there would still be plenty of refuse left over for people to muck about in.

Being “a drunk” isn’t about some kind of sick contest where people compete to be the worst off. No one gets a badge for this. What some do get, however, is death.

FS, I hope you stick around and reach out to your friends here. PM your buddies and talk. The support will always be here for you. I’m wishing you well.

Anna

Firestorm,

Never give up!

You have a disease, not a character defect. And, this disease is relentless. It will destroy you, but you can stop it. Don't give up!

Aysha

I just posted in the missing in action thread. How I wondered why when people start to sttruggle. Why they feel like they need to disappear off the site.
The whole purpose of this site is for people like you and me and the ones who have found recovery to help guide us. Thats my understanding anyway.

There is nothing to be sorry for. You have a serious prolem that needs to be dealt with.

Thats what pizzes me off about all that hard line in your face BS.
It makes the person feel like they arent worth it or welcome when they slip. "Oh we will be here when your ready. But until then your on your own." F***ing hate that ****!!

I dont know all about what you think your bottom shpuld be by anyone elses standards. but that is nonsense. You bottom is when you stop digging.
I hope you stay. Thats what we are here for. To help. Not to be impressed by how long you can stay sober.

Mark75

Hey Firestorm, don't go anywhere... Even if SR isn't helping right now, you are helping SR alot. Your willingness to share and be open and honest is a real asset. Use it here to help us, but most of all, use it to help yourself.

Also... What Taz said... Damn, he's good!!

Mark

Charmie

firestorm,please read and re read what tazman posted.i remember feeling just like you do now.i resigned myself to living the life of a hopeless alcoholic.then,,,,i surrendered,i gave up the fight,i was beat.what a turn around.if you truly want to quit then just throw in the towel mate,,,easier said than done i know,but active alcoholism is the hardest job ive ever done,,the steps and working with a sponsor are not easy,nobody said it would be,but its so much better than the treadmill.please stay with us and give it a shot.

keithj

firestorm,

I won't beg you to stay. If you want to recover, you absolutely can. There is a guy at my home group who has been hanging with us solution based, out of the book AA guys for about the past year. He could not seem to stay sober. He'd go a month or two, or a couple weeks, always showing up, trying to work with a sponsor when he felt like it. He'd be drunk or hung over about half the time.

One night, the topic sort of worked out personally directed at him, although he didn't like it at the time. He was told as nicely as possible, that people who can't get this AA recovery simply aren't willing to do what it takes. He took that to heart, started following directions, and has remained sober. He's working the steps, and a change is evident in what he shares. He mentions that night almost every time he shares. That he is grateful someone called him on his crap and told him the truth. His lack of willingness was preventing him from sobriety.

The Big Book uses that term willingness over and over.

You can't get good enough to deserve a spiritual awakening. It isn't how it works, although I've heard from a lot of people who feel that way. Actually, it was how I got started. I felt foresaken and destined to die a drunk. I was fairly resigned to it. And then the pain got so bad that I latched onto what little hope was offered by AA.

Good. That's a perfect way to feel. There are two kinds of people in the world; those that are blessed and those that are f*cked. I knew without a doubt that I was in the f*cked column. Which are you? Because knowing you are in that column, provides a way out.

There is a lot of self-pity coming through in your post. It's one of the hallmarks of alcoholism. An ounce of willingness will set you on your way to recovery. Here that firestorm, and ounce of willingness will open the door and you'll never have to feel like this again.

coffeenut

Leaving is certainly your choice.

I hope you choose sobriety, and stay.

Gypsy Feet

I love you D. It breaks my heart to see you suffer so. It also scares me that you may die before we have our date.

I'm sorry you are alone with such terrifying news of your health, and I can see where that might lead you to think there is no hope. I truly believe that things happen for a reason though D, and if you just hold out a spark of hope, your answers will come.

Don't leave.

Toomutch

I hope you will stay, you are certainly not a dissapointment in our eyes. You are a contributing member here. I am sorry to hear about your physical health; but to give up and drink your life away is definately not the answer. I hope you will stay.

Benjamin33

Don't leave this place. At the very least, it will give you a place to explain what you are going through. I realize that you have given up and that you don't think that you can ever get sober. But, why not stay on here and share your story? At the very least, It may help someone else to keep from following your footsteps. At the very least, your story may help someone else live a sober life. At the best, you might finally get it and stay sober. Either way, I wish you the best of luck.

firestorm090

All of your replies have made me rethink my decision and wake up to the fact that the doc is right , all I have to do is change everything. That could be a great thing to do. I don't like the way my life is right now, so I'm going to start striving to do a complete turnaround, like the doc, and you folks have said. I called a friend this morning and she's coming over to stay a couple days to help me get past the hurdle of cravings and put together a plan to follow. Also, I'm going to speak with my sponsor today and start doing what he suggests, even if it isn't what I want to do. Being stubborn doesn't have to mean being a bonehead, it can actually help with this fight against destroying my life.

I really appreciate all of your replies, however I will address them separately in time.

It's one thing to be a member of a group, and an entirely different thing to be a member of a family. With a group, I can post here, whine, act like a kid, then turn off my computer and go about my day, however with a family, people who live with you, you are accountable and that's what I lack in my life, because I don't let anyone, not even my sponsor, get too close. I do my own thing, then when I feel like crap, I open up a little, till that feeling subsides, then its back to doing my own thing. That doesn't work for me, so I'm going to try to just be a member of this family in recovery and do my part and become accountable for my behavior. Feeling isolated is a state of mind, and I'm going to change that way of thinking, cause none of us are really ever alone, even when we think we are.

And I thought all of this would be easy, a piece of cake, a walk in the park, huh. Boy, was I wrong.

Charmie

,,,,firestorm,great news.i had never ever ever in my life done what i was told or what was suggested to me.when i threw in the towel earlier in the year,,and starting doing the complete opposite to my natural instincts (not easy and takes alot of practice on a daily basis) guess what,,,it got so much easier and going with the flow is great! thank you for making this desicion,,stick at it and you will reap what you sow...keep us posted.