Now that I said "it"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 6
Now that I said "it"
Well it has been a long strange week.
Last Friday after AH got home late and buzzed and in one of his wonderful "I am mad and angry so you can't be mad at me" moods. One of the girls mentioned that we saw him at his Favorite watering hole, which I only drove by because there had been alot of talk about it because it was closing for good over that weekend. The girls had said they couldn't remember where it was and it was 5:30 so I figured he should still be working. This set him off even more, saying how I was looking for him and he can't do anything and I should have better things to do with my time and so on. I at this point sent to girls to their rooms and told him that it would no longer matter what he did or where he was because I was leaving. These word set him off and of course the girls over heard which I would of liked them not to. It did forced me to have to bring them into what was going on and make it that much more real. The rest of the night was spent calming them down and trying to talk to him. The rest of the weekend he didn't talk to me and I did my own thing.
He is usually home on Sundays so nothing changed and Mondays The girls and I have Gymnastics so he always seems to make it home and go to bed before we get home. I of course start to think maybe things will change...
Tuesday night on my way home from work and picking up the girls I see his vehicle at his back up watering hole and sent him a text that I had been waiting to send since we hadn't talked about what was said Friday night. "Are thing going to be any different?" Very simply not asking alot and his response was " Are things going to be different with U?" This of course pisses me off so I call one of the number that I didn't know that had been sending texts that I did not like to him and hang up after 2 rings I just wanted to know who!! Nothing was said that night.
The next morning bright and early the unknown texter text him I am sure to say "did you call me from your home phone?" All day the text went on back and forth, I also called one of my frinds who lives in another town and had her call the number to find out who it was. Which ended up being on of his Ex's from 17 years ago. I took in all this info and was keeping my head and decided it dosn't matter since I am leaving anyways. So of course that night his vehicle is parked again at the same spot. I go home and start dinner and go on with the daily stuff and he comes home and is sweet as pie. I make him his nice dinner and am shocked how civil he is being. He thing tells me how his 30 year old friend is having a hard time with his drug court stuff and his parents took his cell away so he is using his sisters (his ex) phone which I had allready read the texts that she sent and one said say my brother used it. I still stayed very calm. I told him I wanted to talk to him and he said ok so I told him again that I had made up my mind and that I was leaving and that it was his choice if we left this weekend or waited till school was done for the girls. He got a little defensive and tryed to talk me out of it, " will you be able to afford it" "where will you go" "how can you do this to me" I told him that I just couldn't do it anymore, I told him that I was really hoping that after a few months that he would decide that he wanted things to be different and we could work on things. I of course know he won't change and even if he did I don't think I will go back!!!
But now it makes it hard because I know that if he wanted he could put on a good act for the next few weeks and then I would have some awful guilt to deal with on top of everything else I feel about the whole situation.
So I guess I have to ask if it is wrong for me to hope that he continues to act like his normal self???
Last Friday after AH got home late and buzzed and in one of his wonderful "I am mad and angry so you can't be mad at me" moods. One of the girls mentioned that we saw him at his Favorite watering hole, which I only drove by because there had been alot of talk about it because it was closing for good over that weekend. The girls had said they couldn't remember where it was and it was 5:30 so I figured he should still be working. This set him off even more, saying how I was looking for him and he can't do anything and I should have better things to do with my time and so on. I at this point sent to girls to their rooms and told him that it would no longer matter what he did or where he was because I was leaving. These word set him off and of course the girls over heard which I would of liked them not to. It did forced me to have to bring them into what was going on and make it that much more real. The rest of the night was spent calming them down and trying to talk to him. The rest of the weekend he didn't talk to me and I did my own thing.
He is usually home on Sundays so nothing changed and Mondays The girls and I have Gymnastics so he always seems to make it home and go to bed before we get home. I of course start to think maybe things will change...
Tuesday night on my way home from work and picking up the girls I see his vehicle at his back up watering hole and sent him a text that I had been waiting to send since we hadn't talked about what was said Friday night. "Are thing going to be any different?" Very simply not asking alot and his response was " Are things going to be different with U?" This of course pisses me off so I call one of the number that I didn't know that had been sending texts that I did not like to him and hang up after 2 rings I just wanted to know who!! Nothing was said that night.
The next morning bright and early the unknown texter text him I am sure to say "did you call me from your home phone?" All day the text went on back and forth, I also called one of my frinds who lives in another town and had her call the number to find out who it was. Which ended up being on of his Ex's from 17 years ago. I took in all this info and was keeping my head and decided it dosn't matter since I am leaving anyways. So of course that night his vehicle is parked again at the same spot. I go home and start dinner and go on with the daily stuff and he comes home and is sweet as pie. I make him his nice dinner and am shocked how civil he is being. He thing tells me how his 30 year old friend is having a hard time with his drug court stuff and his parents took his cell away so he is using his sisters (his ex) phone which I had allready read the texts that she sent and one said say my brother used it. I still stayed very calm. I told him I wanted to talk to him and he said ok so I told him again that I had made up my mind and that I was leaving and that it was his choice if we left this weekend or waited till school was done for the girls. He got a little defensive and tryed to talk me out of it, " will you be able to afford it" "where will you go" "how can you do this to me" I told him that I just couldn't do it anymore, I told him that I was really hoping that after a few months that he would decide that he wanted things to be different and we could work on things. I of course know he won't change and even if he did I don't think I will go back!!!
But now it makes it hard because I know that if he wanted he could put on a good act for the next few weeks and then I would have some awful guilt to deal with on top of everything else I feel about the whole situation.
So I guess I have to ask if it is wrong for me to hope that he continues to act like his normal self???
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
mamawolf-
i totally understand your need to know the score, but i'm not sure snooping on him will make you feel any better. don't you have enough information already to know that he's not the one for you? does it matter if he's at his favorite pub or phoning his ex-girlfriend?
my xABF drove me totally daft and i did like you, checked up on him. what i uncovered was a hornets nest of lies, cheating, betrayal, etc. etc. it made me sick and then i felt even sicker because i had lowered myself to snooping and this was out of character and not like me at all and i began to wonder where i had gone?
i don't understand either why you give him decision making regarding whether you can leave this weekend or after the girls finish school. he's an active A, i wouldn't consult him about your plans. i would simply make them and inform him what YOU have decided.
i would not expect him to act like his normal self...he is an active A and if he is his "normal self" now that you threaten to leave, it's all just more acting and manipulation.
are you serious about leaving or are you merely threatening him in an effort to control him?
naive (not so much anymore)
i totally understand your need to know the score, but i'm not sure snooping on him will make you feel any better. don't you have enough information already to know that he's not the one for you? does it matter if he's at his favorite pub or phoning his ex-girlfriend?
my xABF drove me totally daft and i did like you, checked up on him. what i uncovered was a hornets nest of lies, cheating, betrayal, etc. etc. it made me sick and then i felt even sicker because i had lowered myself to snooping and this was out of character and not like me at all and i began to wonder where i had gone?
i don't understand either why you give him decision making regarding whether you can leave this weekend or after the girls finish school. he's an active A, i wouldn't consult him about your plans. i would simply make them and inform him what YOU have decided.
i would not expect him to act like his normal self...he is an active A and if he is his "normal self" now that you threaten to leave, it's all just more acting and manipulation.
are you serious about leaving or are you merely threatening him in an effort to control him?
naive (not so much anymore)
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
I'm sorry you are going through this mess; however, I think you're spending way too much time worrying about what he's doing. If you have made the decision to leave, then what he does shouldn't matter. You need to work on getting on with your life and taking care of your children. Is it possible that you haven't really made the decision to leave and are attempting to control him with the threat?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I have to ask if it is wrong for me to hope that he continues to act like his normal self?
Mama- I can't say whether it is wrong or right....in fact, I can't see how it matters.
I can tell you from my experience with active A's that it is setting yourself up for disappointment to "hope" things will be different.
Hope is not a plan!
It is living in serious denial to have some fantasy about your AH's "normal self." he is an active alcoholic! That means his normal self will: lie, pick fights, infect the mood and dynamic of your home, play mind games with you, etc., push you beyond your capacity to cope, and severely impact the psychological growth of your children. And above all else: he will be drunk and or hungover 90% of the time. Yuk.
If you choose to hope for a return to active alcoholic normalcy it's neither right or wrong but it is YOUR choice.
Take a little time to meditate on this relationship.
Is this what you want? For yourself? For the girls????????????????
What do you imagine your life to look like this time next year...or in five years?
I'm not talking about weepy fantasy here either - I mean- what do you want your life IN REALITY to look like.
We all wish they would get sober and conform to our "normal" but that's not living in reality. That's transacting in denial. And breaking through denial is one of the hardest but best things you can do to start living a free, joyful, and serene life.
Peace-
b
Mama- I can't say whether it is wrong or right....in fact, I can't see how it matters.
I can tell you from my experience with active A's that it is setting yourself up for disappointment to "hope" things will be different.
Hope is not a plan!
It is living in serious denial to have some fantasy about your AH's "normal self." he is an active alcoholic! That means his normal self will: lie, pick fights, infect the mood and dynamic of your home, play mind games with you, etc., push you beyond your capacity to cope, and severely impact the psychological growth of your children. And above all else: he will be drunk and or hungover 90% of the time. Yuk.
If you choose to hope for a return to active alcoholic normalcy it's neither right or wrong but it is YOUR choice.
Take a little time to meditate on this relationship.
Is this what you want? For yourself? For the girls????????????????
What do you imagine your life to look like this time next year...or in five years?
I'm not talking about weepy fantasy here either - I mean- what do you want your life IN REALITY to look like.
We all wish they would get sober and conform to our "normal" but that's not living in reality. That's transacting in denial. And breaking through denial is one of the hardest but best things you can do to start living a free, joyful, and serene life.
Peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: miami FL
Posts: 7
hello,
i am fairly new to this Abf situation but i know enough to say...
He will not change, and YOU must define what your priorities are.. YOU and your daughters! They do not need to grow up resenting their father and believe me it happens... if you get out now they may still have a chance at having an okay relationship with their father and with people in their life. My uncle is an acive A and he was while my cousins were growing up. Needless to say, he hurt my cousins so much growing up that they speak but not really... they lost the love for him.
...and as far as him changing goes...
im sorry to say that it seems like he needs to hit ROCK BOTTOM... everything he loves, cares about, worth anything at all to him has to leave and he has to realize there is nowhere else to go before he can change...
because right now, by staying and snooping and all of the above feeds into his addiction and attention... you are enabling him... in lamens terms your letting him "have his cake and eat it too"
take away his cake, and he has nothing to eat anymore.
you and your daughters are precious and should be treated as such.
life ALWAYS moves on... and with each passing second your closer and closer to a better life... one without the abuse
and his threats about where you will go...how will you survive blah blah BS
thats him SO scared and SO nervous he needs to put you down and make you feel like you cant,,, but you CAN and you WILL ALWAYS FIND AWAY...
i hope all goes well with you and that you make the right decision for yourself (which i know you will
hahaha) and that you keep updating...
GOOD LUCK and god bless you.
i am fairly new to this Abf situation but i know enough to say...
He will not change, and YOU must define what your priorities are.. YOU and your daughters! They do not need to grow up resenting their father and believe me it happens... if you get out now they may still have a chance at having an okay relationship with their father and with people in their life. My uncle is an acive A and he was while my cousins were growing up. Needless to say, he hurt my cousins so much growing up that they speak but not really... they lost the love for him.
...and as far as him changing goes...
im sorry to say that it seems like he needs to hit ROCK BOTTOM... everything he loves, cares about, worth anything at all to him has to leave and he has to realize there is nowhere else to go before he can change...
because right now, by staying and snooping and all of the above feeds into his addiction and attention... you are enabling him... in lamens terms your letting him "have his cake and eat it too"
take away his cake, and he has nothing to eat anymore.
you and your daughters are precious and should be treated as such.
life ALWAYS moves on... and with each passing second your closer and closer to a better life... one without the abuse
and his threats about where you will go...how will you survive blah blah BS
thats him SO scared and SO nervous he needs to put you down and make you feel like you cant,,, but you CAN and you WILL ALWAYS FIND AWAY...
i hope all goes well with you and that you make the right decision for yourself (which i know you will
hahaha) and that you keep updating...GOOD LUCK and god bless you.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 182
If he could put on a good act for a few weeks he might realize that you are serious and decide it's easier for one to leave (him) than all of you...but that's the thing about them, it's not you and the family and your best interests he has in mind....or he would be straight home after week and not "watering" and texting.
The hardest thing for me to accept is that he really just doesn't care about us that much.
Hugs
The hardest thing for me to accept is that he really just doesn't care about us that much.
Hugs
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
